In a story that shows just how uptight some people can actually be, we have two women who were arrested for exposing their breasts whilst on a public golf course. Oh, did I mention that it was during what had been dubbed a "naked golf tournament"? Yeah, it was. And they were (wait for it) naked. Go figure.
According to The Telegraph, "...a "naked" golf tournament was taking place at the golf course." Now, I haven't played golf in a number of years, so I don't know if this is a new thing that happens frequently or just at the Woodlands Golf Club in unincorporated Madison County outside Alton city limits in Missouri. But I do know that if I heard that there was a naked golf tournament going on, I wouldn't be all that surprised to see naked golfers. OK, I might be a little surprised that anyone would willingly participate in such an event, but if that's what it's supposed to be, I don't know why anyone would have a problem with it.
But as I'm sure that you've probably guess by now, someone obviously did have a problem with it. A one Capt. T. Mike Dixon "...said investigators responded to the golf course in
reference to a complaint of women exposing their sexual organs while on
the golf course." Well, of COURSE they were! It was a naked golf tournament! It's right there in the name! Naked! He went on to say that "...when investigators arrived they observed Alicia L. Binford, 43, and Shelly L. Lewis, 45,"lewdly exposing their breasts on the golf course property." Again, right there in the name. Naked! Oooh. Wait a minute. Maybe it's bad naked. You know, there's way more bad naked out there than there is good naked. Maybe this was a double case of bad naked. Let's look at their mugshots. Behold!
OK, those two ladies are not going to be bad naked. No, they're going to be good naked. The one on the left kind of looks like Jennifer Aniston, for cryin' out loud! How would that be bad naked?! And I know I'm going to be repeating myself here, but since they were arrested, I feel that it needs to be reiterated that it was a naked golf tournament!! Do we have a more revealing mug shot? We do?! Bring it!
Yeah, they were obviously the very, very good (or at least perfectly acceptable) sort of naked. Seriously, if you're calling the cops because you've just seen one (or even better, both) of these women in public without a shirt and with their presumably glorious breasts bared for all to see, you need to check yourself. Especially if it's during a naked golf tournament. (Have I said that enough? I'm not sure that I have considering that they were arrested.) We might need more of this sort of thing, not less!
I was going to post a video of some guy on the New York City subway vigorously licking his own shoes. Yes. Shoes. Yes. Licking. But I decided against that in favor of a completely different kind of crazy. Let's meet the woman who has had some plastic surgery to enhance her bosom. And by "some plastic surgery" I mean several operations. And by "bosom", I mean...well...I guess I mean her breasts. Oh, did I mention that her breasts are now a 164XXX? They are. Behold!
Good Lord. I didn't even know that you could go that big and I HAVE breasts! Meet Chelsea Charms. If you think that it sounds like a stripper name, of course it does! What do you think that this woman does for a living with those things?! Oh, wait. But she calls herself a "feature dancer". As in "A feature dance in layman's terms is a professional exotic dancer. You've still got agents and things like that." Honey, you can call the pole whatever you'd like. That's not going to change the fact that you're a stripper. According to The Sun, this woman is 5'2" tall and each one of those suckers (pun probably not intended) weighs 26 pounds! That's fifty two pounds of JUST BREASTS! How she manages to stay upright and not topple over forward is beyond me. She has named these monstrosities Itsy and Bitsy, which I find odd because they're neither one of those things. Naturally, "...she loves the attention her massive chest brings her." And believe me when I say that this woman has a ridiculous answer for damn near everything. Think her back hurts? She claims it doesn't. Why not? She says it's because "... because she did a series of back exercises to build up her muscles." Ummm...no she didn't. There aren't enough exercises in the world to build up muscles to constantly work all day long at holding up a couple of watermelons. I'm sure that her back constantly hurts...and well it should. Here's the part that blows me away: She says "I didn't plan on going this big that just happened on its own." Wait. What in the world is she talking about? She HAD the surgery, yes? OK, then. It didn't just HAPPEN ON ITS OWN. I'm pretty sure that she didn't just wake up one day with beach balls growing out of her chest. It happened on it's own?! Please. Does she really expect people to believe that it just HAPPENED?! If 164XXX can "just happen", then I will not be sleeping well at night for quite some time.And I realize that people like big breasts. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Big breasts, provided that they're cared for, are simply lovely. But hers are not. Not at all. I don't get how that is supposed to be anything but a freak show. I'm willing to hear out other opinions, but I'm truly afraid that there are going to be people out there who do find this attractive. Truly afraid.
Sometimes I read things and I just think to myself "Who are you people?" Then I immediately retract that thought because I really don't think that I want to know in most cases. That's what happened when I stumbled across this headline over at The Vancouver Sun: "Don't buy breast milk on the Web, doctors warn". Good Lord. What now?
Seriously? Is this a warning that needs to be out there? You don't already know that you shouldn't be buying some random fluid from some stranger on the Internet and feeding it to your baby? Really? What part of that is the toughest for you to noodle through? I'm guessing all of it is a pretty novel concept to certain folks, as the sub-headline reads: "Lack of medical information about donors can result in problems, Health Canada says". Huh. In what way?
Of course it can result in problems! What is wrong with you people?! Who can't figure that out?! Who is buying breast milk over the Internet and feeding it (presumably and kind of hopefully) to their infant? Well, apparently the kind of people who joined a "...breast milk sharing program launched by a Montreal woman on social networking website Facebook". Why does Facebook have to be involved with everything?! I'm sick of hearing about Facebook, for cryin' out loud!
Look, do I really have to delve very far into this entire concept before I can just get to the common sense part of it that would tell any normal person that buying breast milk over the Internet is a BAD idea? According to the statement (that is clearly for people who are not going to read it, comprehend it, nor care what it says) that was released along with the whole "Don't buy breast milk over the Internet" shpiel, "There is a potential risk that the milk may be contaminated with viruses such as HIV or bacteria, which can cause food poisoning".
Really? Are you the sort of person who is going to do something so reckless that it potentially puts your child at risk for contracting HIV? Or any other sort of disease? Really? Powdered or pre-made formula is sooooo terrible in your mind that it is a better option to risk your child contracting HIV than to feed them milk not directly from a breast? You should not have children. At the very least, you certainly shouldn't be allowed the feed the children that you do have.
I'm sure that this sounds harsh and judgmental. Good. It's supposed to. Remember, a word to the wise isn't necessary; it's the stupid ones who need advice. And here's the advice: Don't buy breast milk over the Internet to feed to your baby. If you're wondering if it could possibly be so simple, trust me. It is. Just don't do it and you'll be fine. And, probably to your surprise, your baby will be fine too. Lots of people weren't breast fed and they turned out just fine.
With 500,000,000 "members" on Facebook, can't they do something useful with that sort of base? I mean something really useful. Not something that's fake-useful. (By the way, I use the quotes around members because the number of accounts is different than the number of people who actually use the service on a consistent basis. See, I can do that when I'm not one of those who benefits from trumped up numbers. But either way, it's still an enormous buttload of people.) How about if I amend that request? How about if instead of asking if Facebook users could do something useful I instead ask if Facebook users could just stop doing things that do absolutely nothing, all the while pretending as if they're saving the world from certain destruction. (Trust me. Certain destruction doesn't sound that bad when the alternative is surviving with a bunch of morons that just blindly follow something without giving any thought to what they're doing.)
Here's the scoop: A certain status update has been going viral on Facebook. It's women who are blindly doing the updating without stopping to think a) Why am I doing this, and/or b) Why am I doing this? It goes something like this: The status starts off with "I like it on the" and then women are supposed to fill in the blank with where they like it. Like what, you ask? Why, where they like their purse, of course. Wait. Wait. Their...purse? Yes. Their purse. Melissa Bell over at the Washington Post explains it "Women are posting where they like to keep their purses when they come home, but they conveniently leave out the word "purse." Oh. Ha-ha. Is there a reason for this? Of course there is, silly! It's for breast cancer. Wait. What?
Correct. Breast cancer. According to The Huffington Post (which sites other references) "October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, and the "I like it on" trend is an attempt for women to unite around that cause in a top secret way. The idea is figuratively to leave men in the dark." Um, this might be one of the stupidest "feel good" things that I have heard about in quite some time.
First of all, how does posting where you like to keep your purse (assuming that you carry a purse) help raise awareness for breast cancer? And second, how is leaving men in the dark about it helping anything at all? (I realize that it's a small percentage, but it isn't like men don't get breast cancer also.) Is it just women who should be concerned about breast cancer? Assuming that this was even a legitimate tool for raising awareness, why is it that men should be excluded from all of the being aware? Explain to me how it is that men should be excluded from caring about breast cancer? Explain to me how it is that men are not affected by breast cancer? Better yet, explain to some guy whose wife has breast cancer how breast cancer awareness should exclude him.
I'd love to hear from anyone who actually posted this on their status so that they could tell me not where they like their damn purse, but what did they think was going to be accomplished by their going along with it? I'd like to know if they in some way felt smarter by posting it or if the goal was just to feel smarter than the men who had no idea what it could possibly mean (and who, stereotypically, just jumped to the assumption that it was about sex). Thank God that the folks who have been actually been doing actual things to raise awareness about breast cancer didn't run their campaigns with inane Facebook statuses.
Listen, if you want to raise awareness about something, what say you tell folks what it is that you want them to know, OK? Wouldn't you raise more awareness about breast cancer by simply posting on your status "October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Now you know."? Or something like that? I'm sure that you probably would, but that wouldn't be nearly as cutesy as where you like your damned purse. We're so doomed. So, so doomed.
Where do I sign up to get a job that studies the completely obvious? I know that such jobs exist. In fact, I'm positive of it after reading in Psychology Today that a one Nicolas Guéguen did a study "...on the likelihood of a female hitchhiker being picked up, by either a male or female driver, as a function of her breast size." Sooooo...let me get this straight. He wanted to know if a hitchhiking woman had larger breasts, would it increase the chances that she would be offered a ride? Really? There needs to be a study for this? Can't we all just agree on some things without the study?
The author of the article at Psychology Today is a one Gad Saad (pronounce that however you'd like). Mr. Saad muses about Mr. Guéguen that he "...could not help but notice that he possesses a talent for conducting naturalistic experiments about issues that many people have wondered about and yet few (if any) have tested." Really? Do you really think that many people have wondered whether or not chicks with large hoots get preferential treatment? Or do you think that many people already know that chicks with large hoots get preferential treatment? Can't we just agree that some things don't need to be proven, that they're just intrinsically known and we're all good with that?
The guy, Mr. Guéguen actually did a little test where "...an average looking female confederate" with either A cup, B cup or C cup sized breasticles "...stood at the side of a road and actually hitch hiked (i.e., put out her thumb as cars whizzed by)". Someone counted how many guys and how many girls drove by and also counted how many guys and how many girls stopped to pick this chick up. (They make of point of telling us that the "female confederate" did not actually get in any of the cars. I wish that would have made a point of telling us why she is called the "female confederate" instead.)
Now, this may shock you to learn that more men stopped to pick up the chick with bigger breasts. This is summarized in Mr. Saad's article as "If a woman has large breasts, men are more likely to engage in prosocial behavior." You think?! Are you freaking kidding me? How about next time, instead of sending some chick out on the side of the road and having her thumb rides, what say you just ask guys what they would do? "Excuse me, sir? If you saw this woman hitchhiking (show picture of voluptuous female, preferably Pam Anderson because, well, who doesn't like Pam Anderson?), would you give her a ride?" Then give the man a tissue to wipe the drool coming out of his mouth. Repeat as needed. (I realize that "as needed" makes it sound as if it is necessary to ask someone else to see if this is, in fact, an actual phenomenon. You and I both know that it's not. You and I both think that this study was about as stupid as it can get in the first place. Then again, some guy managed to figure out how to study how women's breasts cause different reactions in society. OK, that guy might be a genius, but this study certainly is not.)
And just in case you were wondering, here is the picture that Psychology Today included along with their article. You know, just in case you were unfamiliar with the concept of a fairly attractive, large breasted woman. Behold!
This photo from the Associated Press as "Michelle Obama highlights breast cancer awareness". Apparently she's doing so by having the two microphones appear in place of her breasts. Back to you.
Remember the Seinfeld episode where Kramer and George see George's Dad without his shirt and the man had breasts? (According to Kramer "These were real hooters.") Kramer concludes that "...Frank can't be too comfortable with those things clanging around. He should wear something for support." Now, he might have been referring to a bra, but he called it "The Bro." (It was basically a sports bra. But the suspension of disbelief element of television is really what makes stuff like that work.)
Now, I am in no way claiming that I am an expert on men's breasts. (Women's breasts? I don't know if I'd go as far as to say "expert", but I know my way around.) But even with my lack of knowledge about the breasts of men (otherwise known, in some areas and by people whom I do not associate with, as 'moobs'), I really can't imagine that men would be interested in a bra. A lot of women aren't even all that keen on it (but you gotta keep the girls in place otherwise it's just downright painful) and it's commonplace for them! But men? A bra? A man bra? You see where this is going, right?
Where else but in freaky, anime-crazed Japan would the Man Bra be a hit? Nowhere else. Just there. In Japan (which is, thankfully, far, far away). According to a news report on this subject, "If you thought bra wearing was the preserve of men, get ready to think again because men all over Japan are hitching up their 'moobs', finding out their cup sizes and getting in touch with their feminine side." Feminine side? Or fetish side? I know not everything translates literally into English, but I see this as being a little bit more of a 'fetish' thing and a little bit less of a man's 'feminine side' thing. One of the customers in the news report states, "I like this tight feeling. It feels good." See? What did I tell you? Fetish.
I don't know about you, but that ad above gives the whole thing sort of a drag-queen-y air about it, you know what I mean? That guy is either a) looking for a man bra as an accessory to one of his costumes for his nightly gay burlesque show he puts on in Vegas, or b) he's incredibly turned on by the thought of another man wearing the man bra (which is why he's taken off his shirt (and probably his pants) while in the store with the mannequins perusing the selection). He also does not strike me as the type of guy that would have 'moobs'. He seems like his pectoral areas would be rather taut and firm, but it's hard to tell because he's hugging himself in order to keep him from fornicating with one of the displays.
A woman named Akiko is the individual responsible for this atrocity. She's been selling the man bras (or Men's Premium Brassiere) from her online store The Wish Room. Her motivation and reasoning for designing and trying to sell such a product? "I think more and more men are becoming interested in bras. We've been getting feedback such as "Wow, we've been waiting for this for such a long time. So I think there was a substantial customer base that was waiting to see this kind of product."
OK, look, men have always been interested in bras. They just haven't been interested in wearing them! They've been interested in how to get them off of women, but that seems to be where the interest stops. (The interest in the bra, that is. Once they get the bra off, there's still plenty of interest, it's just not in the bra anymore. No, no, at that point, there are far more interesting things of which to pay attention to. Far more interesting. Spec-tacular even. :::sigh::: Oh, whoops. Sorry. I digress. Or happily remember. Your choice.) I don't think that their interest in the female undergarments is because they want one for themselves. Unless, of course, they're in Japan.
Akiko has high hopes for her man bra. She seems to think that "As well as smoothing the male silhouette and starting a new trend, Akiko is hoping that her man bra will achieve what so many women's magazines have been trying for so long: By giving men a better understanding of how it feels to be female so that they end up becoming gentler and more caring." Yeah, that seems smart to set your hopes and expectations pretty low like that so that you're not disappointed when it doesn't happen, because it never will. You think you're going to get men to become "gentler and more caring" because they're wearing a little silk? I'm thinking that if it does cause the men to become "gentler and more caring" they're going to be doing so with other men if the man bra has anything to do with it!
Akiko's man bras cost about 30 USD and they come in black, white or pink (for those men out there looking to tap into their ultra-feminine side). The news report says that "they'll keep your 'moobs' under wraps even in the most unforgiving of outfits." What kind of a man's outfit would be unforgiving? Are they also learning how to do the Hustle in German discotheques and they need to wear those super tight, shiny shirts? (You know, like how Tiger Woods makes his shirts look now that he's all buff.) If so, 'moobs' are the least of their problems.
Look, I'm all for a man who can be caring and gentle. Sure, that sounds grand. But I'm here to tell you, I like my men to be men. I like men in general to be men. I don't want a bunch of overly sensitive, excruciatingly caring men running (or skipping) around. They're men! They're supposed to do man things! Like move heavy objects when we need them moved! Like fix things and get all dirty and then do commercials for Irish Spring soap! Men! You know what men become when they stop acting like men? That's right. They become women! And the last thing that a bunch of women need is more women, let alone men who act like women. We want manly men who are nice and protective and don't wear our lingerie or anything that resembles our lingerie. (Another one of the last things that a bunch of women want to do is to have to share the sink and the Woolite with a guy while he rinses out his 'delicates'. Ugh! I can't even think about it without feeling slightly nauseous.)
Below is the video of the news story so you can see this nuttiness for yourself. I'm sure that the man bra is very supportive, but I just don't think that I can support the man bra. I think I'd prefer it if men were braless and just stopped eating pork rinds and drinking beer to get rid of their 'moobs', rather than embracing them with pink lingerie.
According to The Telegraph, "...a "naked" golf tournament was taking place at the golf course." Now, I haven't played golf in a number of years, so I don't know if this is a new thing that happens frequently or just at the Woodlands Golf Club in unincorporated Madison County outside Alton city limits in Missouri. But I do know that if I heard that there was a naked golf tournament going on, I wouldn't be all that surprised to see naked golfers. OK, I might be a little surprised that anyone would willingly participate in such an event, but if that's what it's supposed to be, I don't know why anyone would have a problem with it. 
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