Sunday, November 23, 2008

That's A Cheeky Nickname

If you're one of those criminals who can go for an extended period of time without getting caught or if you have some sort of gimmick that goes along with your crime, you're going to find yourself with some sort of nickname. The Barbie Bandits. The Cell Phone Bandit (who also could have been named "The Dumbass Chick Who Robs A Bank Whilst Talking On Her Cellphone. My God, Woman, Don't You Ever Put That Thing Away?" But that seems wordy.) The Dinnertime Bandit. The Leprechaun Bandit. And the list of 'bandits' goes on.

Chances are that the only time you'll ever hear the word "bandit" used in day to day conversation (or just on the news) is when mentioning an aptly nickname nicknamed criminal. (This is, of course, with the exception of a mention of "Smokey and the Bandit". And really, if you're hearing about "Smokey and the Bandit" (or any other late 70s movies which star Burt Reynolds) more than, say, once every five years and it's not the answer to a Jeopardy! question, please seek professional help immediately.) If they don't have a nickname, they're simply "a bank robber". They're never "a bank bandit". Huh.

Since your nickname is derived directly from your crimes, if your "crime" is particularly odd, you're going to end up with a particularly odd nickname. Take the Illinois Enema Bandit, for example. And it's just what it sounds like. The guy would sneak into a dwelling, tie up the women and then administer enemas. Thus, the name that I'm sure, I'm positive helped him win friends and influence people in prison.

Thus, I'm sure that you'll be happy to know that they have finally, FINALLY, after TWO long YEARS of criminal activity, the folks in Valentine, Nebraska can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that at long last, the Butt Bandit has been arrested. Wait. The what? The who?

According to the Journal Star over there in Lincoln, Nebraska, "Police have arrested a man suspected of leaving greasy, graphic imprints on the windows of stores, churches and schools ." Wait. "Greasy, graphic imprints"? Of what, you ask? Think about the nickname. Think about the beginning of this post (that was just a wee bit o' foreshadowing for you there!). That's right. Of his arse. You may now commence grimacing, groaning or vomiting.

Since the freaking spring of 2007, "...a mystery vandal visited businesses at night, pressing his naked behind — sometimes his groin, sometimes both — on windows. The marks were made with lotion or petroleum jelly." (Yeah, I don't think it matters exactly what the substance WAS so much, really. The fact that there was a substance to identify in the first place is really quite disturbing.) So for a year and a half, in a little town like Valentine, which sports a population of 2,650, some dude was lubing up his ass cheeks like a couple of greased pigs at a county fair and then creating an imprint of said greasy buttocks (and/or other nether region residents) on the windows of various establishments throughout the village. (Said "mystery vandal" did cease his extra curricular activities during the fall and winter months. I'm guessing because he was afraid it would be so cold that it'd be like licking a frozen flagpole and having your tongue stick to it. That would definitely be an awkward situation when the shopkeeper arrived to open up in the morning!) Look, I know it's boring in small towns and all, but my God, man! You need a new hobby! An interest in board game, perhaps. Anything but spreading the disgusting, oily, impression of your gentials across town. You freak.

The Cherry County attorney, Eric Scott, said, "This isn’t normal behavior for Valentine, Nebraska." Um, Mister Attorney, sir? Perhaps you missed the part about how he was smearing petroleum products on his ass and other parts and then making the equivalent of a rear-end blowfish on the windows throughout your quaint little community there? I'm thinking maybe you missed that because that "isn't normal behavior" ANYWHERE! Are you telling me that had ol' Greasy Cheeks there been in some other town in America then it would have been "normal behavior"? Of course it "isn't normal behavior!" This is just a suggestion, but you really might want to consider getting out and seeing a bit more of this lovely country here if you think stuff like that is commonplace, sir. Just a thought.

Before he was caught (They're not releasing the Froot Loop's name just yet. I wonder if he's savoring the last few moments of anonymity that he has, because once that's made public along with his mugshot (please let it be only of his face), his days of never being ridiculed every time he's out in public are over. Just over!), while some residents of the town thought the incidents were funny, Police Chief Ron McBride did not think as much "It's not funny. We're worried about the next step." Well, he's right that it's not funny. It's absolutely disgusting. But I'm curious....what would be the "next step"? Leaving his mark on society during business hours? Using petroleum fuel instead of using petroleum jelly? What is the "next step" in this particular situation?

I guess I just don't understand how this could go on for a year and a half in such a small town without the obviously disturbed individual being caught. It's not like there's a ton of places to choose from. Then again, I guess that in a town of 2,650 there isn't really a bustling night life or anything, so he probably had his run of the place from the time the sun went down until the next morning. And he chose to spend that time rubbing his ass and genitalia on windows. Go figure. Actually, don't. Back to happy! Back to happy!

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1 comment:

Chris said...

I was the writer of the Dinnertime Bandit blog, which is no longer online. Check Wikipedia's page on Alan Golder.

Loved reading about the Enema Bandit, what a guy.