Thursday, November 6, 2008

The Felonious Pork King Senator of Alaska

Well, the election is over, results are in and people are morons. Back to you.

Oh, but I kid. Sort of. I'm still not sure what the dealio is with the people who just HAD to make it their business and an issue to have a ban on gay marriage. (It's not like those of you who don't agree with it would suddenly be forced into your own homo a homo marriage or anything like that.) I just can't bear to do another post on Prop 8. So I'm moving my outrage and utter confusion up north and little to the west, to a land where some people can see Russia from their house!

Welcome to Alaska! Home of defeated (but still really hot) Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Also home of newly convicted felon, Republican Senator Ted Stevens. Ted Stevens is 84 (that's 362 in moose years),has been a Senator for 40 years and is proud to be known as the "King of Pork". This guy never met a Federal handout that he didn't like and has had more pork thrown his way than Jimmy Dean. And during those 40 years he's earned himself a reputation as a bit of a crook and a bit of a weasel. That's right, he's a crooked weasel (which would be a really good name for a band!). And in August, he also earned seven felony charges for concealing information on his financial disclosure forms. Mainly the information that was concealed was the $250,000 worth of household items, vehicles and additions to his igloo home that he accepted from the CEO of an oil company. (Oooh. Yeah, that's going to leave a mark. Or is it?)

Now, the guy was indicted at the end of July, 2008. He went on trial in October and on October 27, 2008 the jury announced their verdict. (That's pretty quick. Two months from beginning to end. I guess the "speedy trial" concept has more weight when the defendant is 84 years old, eh?) I'm sure that you will be shocked, just shocked to learn that he was found guilty, yes guilty on all seven counts of "knowingly and willfully making false statements on his Senate personal financial disclosure forms", that according to Congresspedia (catchy).

Bummer, dude. 8 days before you're up for re-election and you're now a convicted felon. That can't be good. In fact, he folks over there at the National Journal said that a guilty verdict would basically doom him , calling it "unlikely" that he "....could possibly be re-elected a mere 8 days after being convicted of a felony." And at the time of the guilty verdict, he was trailing his opponent by 1 or 2 points at the least. But that probably wouldn't even be an issue because there'd be no way that a newly convicted felon could be allowed to run for the Senate, right? Um, yeah, not so much. Wait. What?

Correct. You CAN run for Senate even IF you're a convicted felon. Apparently there is no rule against that. So, good news felons! There's an avenue of employment opportunity I'll bet you were unaware of! But aside from THAT oversight, it still won't matter, will it? Because there's no way that the majority of Alaska voters would re-elect a man who is known to be corrupt and has just been convicted of seven felonies, right? That wouldn't happen. Um, yeah, not so much. Wait. What?

Correct. It would seem that the people of Alaska have spoken and what they have said is "We're perfectly OK with a crooked weasel felon in the Senate. You betcha." There are still a lot of absentee ballots to count, but right now, Ted "I'm a felon" Stevens is in the lead and looks like he could win. Huh?

I have to be missing something here. WHY?! Why would they do that?! What are they thinking?! I can't even fathom a guess. But according to a one John Binkley, a Republican guy that the New York Times seems to think knows what he's talking about, he says that a Stevens win "It is a testament to how much he has done for Alaska.” If that's the case, it's also certainly a testament to the frozen craniums of the Alaskan residents. What is wrong with you people?

But you know, I think it will still be OK, because I'm sure that the Senate could take a vote on whether or not to expel him and if they did that I'm sure that they would follow historic precedent and vote for expulsion, right? Um, yeah, not so much. Wait. What? What? For the third time, WHAT?!

Correct. According to a one Donald Ritchie, a U.S. Senate Associate Historian, "...historically, the chamber has been very reluctant to expel such members." Reluctant (blankets or not) is an understatement. A Senator hasn't been expelled since the Civil War. The last one to even come close was some guy in 1981, but he resigned before he could maybe or maybe not be kicked out. And Stevens isn't going to resign. He's made that pretty clear all along. He's basically chalked all of the charges up to a whole bunch of completely explainable misunderstandings. Uh-huh. Let me know if you can see Russia from your cell, sir.

Hey, Alaska! What if every state in the country followed your lead and re-elected all of THEIR corrupt Senators to repeated terms?! That would make for great government wouldn't it, you frozen tundra pinheads! Moose asses.

Now, it's not clear to me if one cannot actually physically go TO the Senate building if one can still serve as a Senator, so I don't know how that might work if that's the case. And right now, I have no reason to believe that there would be anything, anything at all that would prevent someone in any capacity from serving as a US Senator after having been elected by a state that doesn't care how crooked they are. Nope. Can't think of a thing. So I'm sure they'll bend over backwards to accommodate him somehow.

What about like a webcam setup or something like that for him? Actually, I seem to remember that Ted Stevens is somewhat of an "expert" on the Internet. Back in 2006, when he introduced legislation to regulate the Internet, he had to explain the Internet to his fellow crooks Senators and below are his words of wisdom.

"I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why? Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the internet commercially... They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes. And if you don't understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material."

Yep. That's your man! Convicted felon, blathering moron, and elected Senator 7 times over 40 years! Stay classy, Alaska.

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