Friday, November 21, 2008

Excellence in Journalism. Or Not.

UPI bills itself as "100 years of journalistic excellence". That's good, right? We can all use a little...what was it? Oh, right. We can all use a little "journalistic excellence" in our lives, can't we? Sure! Why not? I'm sure this story will demonstrate just that! "Journalistic excellence." I can't wait.

Man Stuffs Frozen Shrimp Into His Pants

Wait. Where's all the excellence? Where's all the journalism, for that matter? Frozen shrimp? In his pants?! That's what UPI is reporting on? It's 2008! They can't do any better than a man with icy seafood concealed upon his nether regions?! ::::sigh:::: We're doomed. Doomed, I tell you.

Of course, this took place in Florida. (Like you couldn't have guessed that one.) A one Joseph Young, 32 and way too old to be pulling (or stuffing) things like this, "...was spotted with bulging pants Sunday by a detective who happened to be shopping in the Sweebay supermarket." That according to the authority on journalistic excellence, UPI.

So, that seems to imply that it was a good thing that there was a detective in the store at the time the shrimp was being pilfered because no one else would have been any the wiser to a guy with bags (plural. As in "more than one bag".) of shrimp down his pants. Takes a trained eye for something like, I tell you. (Actually, it's in Florida, so it probably really is a good thing that there was a detective there.)

"Detective Robert Stevenson says Young removed several bags of frozen shrimp from his pants after he was questioned." What sort of questions do you gather the cop asked him in order to make him give it up? I can't imagine it took much. "Sir, do you have frozen seafood in your drawers?" "Uh, yep. Here you go. Wait, here's another. Hold on...I think I lost one of 'em! Damn, thems some cold little fish!"


Naturally, because it's Florida and because it's the type of behavior you would expect from someone who is just genius enough to shoplift bags of frozen shellfish by shoving them in his pants, Shrimpy McScampi there "attempted to flee but....Stevenson restrained him until deputies arrived." I can envision that scene as well, as Shrimpy there thinks to himself, "Wow. I sure can move around a lot better without bags of frozen shrimp in my pants. I think I'll make a run for it. I'm sure I'll make it!" Yeah, that should turn out well. And since he was caught, I'd say that it did.

And in other 'News About Asshats' brought to us by the UPI folks ('Journalistic excellence', remember?), we have this headline:

Teen's 'Fantastic' new name 'Super' long

Yeah, OK. What? This time, we have a British asshat, a one George Garratt. Well, he used to be George Garratt. That is, until "...he used an online service to officially change his name for a $20 fee." So he's not George Garratt anymore. Nope. Want to know what he's called now? Besides asshat?
"Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined."

Wait. WTF?

That's his name. (Asshat is so much shorter, though. I'm really going to have a hard time not sticking with that one.) It's thought to be the world's longest, according to, again, those with the journalistic excellence, the UPI. I don't think that his brand of crazy runs in his family or anything because it was reported that his grandmother was "...so outraged....that she is no longer speaking to him." Clearly a sane, sane woman right there. I like her! Way to go, Grandma!



When asked of his name choice, Asshat said, "I wanted to be unique. I decided upon a theme of superheroes." No. You decided upon a theme of 'dumbass', you dumbass.

Not only is it ridiculous, it's wrong as well. You can't be faster than The Flash. He's the world's fastest man. That's what makes him The Flash. It's right there in his name. The Flash. Can't get faster than that. I don't care how 'Fantastic' you are.

And what does he expect people to call him? Because no one is going to spit that whole thing out at one time. Some (ie, Grandma) aren't going to be spitting it out at all! He'll probably want to go by Captain. And he'll probably get really annoyed when people (like me) start calling him 'Cappy', because 'Cappy' is hardly the world's longest name. Though it does sound just as stupid as his CFFTSSBWHATFC moniker he chose.

Wait a minute. Wasn't Elton John the guy who was 'Captain Fantastic?


Nice choice, dude. I don't know if he's necessarily 'faster' than all of the other superheroes that you included in your name, but you could definitely have a slightly heightened sensitivity to your own feelings that's greater than that of all of the others combined. Sure! So good luck with that, Cappy.

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