How Many Is That?

The other day, new reader Ashley mentioned to me that "...if you ever need new material, go to Wal-Mart...seriously." I did need new material. (Well, new-ish.) I did go to Wal-Mart. Holy s***, was she right. Behold!

There are so many things wrong with this that I don't know where to start. I guess first of all, who are these Wal-Mart shoppers with three hands? Besides, do you really think that someone who does not know how much fifteen of something is is going to be able to read the part when is says "Fifteen is this many"? I don't think they are! I have to ask, why this is only in English? Everything else in Wal-Mart is bi-freaking-lingual. Why is this insult of a sign only in English? I'm having a hard time believing that only the English speaking people are the ones that are having a hard time with this concept.

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More People Of Wal-Mart

The folks over there at People of Wal-Mart are definitely earning their keep. Holy crap. And it's amazing that something can be both so scary and yet so funny at the same time! The scary part is that these folks really exist. The funny part is that they're hilarious. (And I've been told from a very reliable source that it is highly likely that the intelligence of any primate in Borneo totally surpasses anything in these photos. I'm going to have to agree with that assessment, even though it is insulting to the primates.)

Sweet Mother of God! It's a life-size muppet! Oh, no. Wait. Snookums is below. Well, you can see how I'd make such a mistake, I'm sure.

Oh, look! It's the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile. Only there's no mobile. It's just a guy's hat!
Hookers love cupcakes. Need I say more?

Psst! Someone tell the Hamburglar in drag that this isn't the McDonald's.
OK, I think I speak for everyone here including her ass when I say that those shorts don't fit!

Hmmm. That can't end well. It can't start well, either. Is she growing an extra boob on her back? In case she needs a spare?

Congratulations on being at a store that does sell underwear. That does appear as if it will come in handy for you. However, the points that you would have earned for that move does not make up for all of the points that you lost for walking around like that. My eyes...my EYES!
It's a pregnant Sasquatch.
It took me a minute to realize what was wrong with this picture. I just thought the woman had a rather sufficient spare tire around her middle. Then it dawned on me that those were her breasts. Breasts should not extend past the navel. Ever. Please make a note.

It's life-size Asian Barbie. How can she help you?

Look, if you can't get your pants all the way on, you can't just wear them anyways! That's not allowed! It's in the rules! You can't just tuck your butt into your pants like it's your shirt! No!

I feel like playing miniature golf for some reason.

"I’m sorry sir, but those Christmas hams put you over the 12 item limit for this line."

Oh, the irony...

Work it, Santa! WORK IT!

Why, that woman's back has it's own set of breasts! It's like she carries around a spare set in case something happens to the ones in the front. She has back boobs. Double D back boobs. Well, that's just wrong.

Clearly, the man below is the love child of Elvis Presley.

Good Lord! It's like Cher in some sort of drag. I know that's not really a very possible scenario, but that's definitely what it looks like.

Look! A flesh-colored fanny pack! Ohhhh...wait a minute. That's not a fanny pack...no, that's...um...oh, God....

This guy is like Two-Face, only he's Two-Head. Would you ever know if this guy was coming or going? Would you ever want to? Why is he in the condom section? HE'S getting laid?!! NO way! Do you know when the last time that I....um, never mind. I'm thoroughly depressed now.

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Pawned Spawn

Hmm. It's been a while since I've done a Walmart post. It's also been a while since I've done a post about people trying to sell their baby. Oh, if there was only some way that I could catch up on both of those topics at the same time. Oh, wait! There is (unfortunately).

Meet a one 20-year old (and old enough to know better) Samantha Tomasini and her obvious soul mate a one 28-year old (and definitely old enough to know better) Patrick Fousek. They look just like you'd expect a couple of people to look if you were told that they were trying to sell their 6-month old baby outside of a Walmart. Behold!

Told you. Here's the story: In the hole of the central part of California, otherwise known as Salinas, the male asshat in this story approached two women and asked them if they would be interested in taking his baby daughter for a small fee. And by "taking" I mean "purchasing". Now, that's pretty gutsy. Not half as gutsy as it is stupid, but still pretty gutsy.

The women, obviously being smarter than the doorknob who was soliciting his offspring, "...said they didn't know if Fousek was joking or not". And while I understand that line of thinking, that's a heck of a thing to be joking about, not to mention extremely odd. But "...he was insistent and kept telling them 'No, I want to sell you the baby.' " It was likely that very persistence which is why "...they reported the incident to police with a description of Fousek's (the male asshat's) car." To my complete amazement, the police were able to trace the car to his apartment. I don't know why I find that so fascinating, but I do.

Now, I know this next part will come as quite a shock to you, but when the police went to his house, they found the aforementioned parents to be (I hope you're sitting down) high on meth. I know! Shocking! Who would have thought that two people who tried to sell their kid for $25 would be high on meth?! I did not see that coming. And I...wait. $25? What the what?

Correct. According to KSBW, the asking price for a 6-month old baby outside of the Westridge Walmart in Salinas is twenty five dollars. Cash money. American. Twenty five bucks seems awfully low. Was that the rollback price? Seriously, what can you buy for twenty five bucks? Not much, can you? I mean, I don't know what the going price for meth is these days, but I'm guessing that it's more than $25, isn't it?

Naturally, these two Einsteins were arrested and charged with a variety of things, all of which were probably a) appropriate and b) not enough. But here's a weird little tidbit that I did not expect. The guy's brother talked to the news people at KSBW. He didn't give them his name, but he said "...that he was he, not Fousek, who tried to sell the child to the two women outside Walmart for the price of $50, and that it was all a joke."The girls knew I was kidding. Who's going to say you want to buy a baby for $50 to strangers at a Walmart? That's preposterous." And while I commend him on his use of the word 'preposterous' and for charging $50 instead of $25, that's the most ridiculous thing that I've ever heard.

And he sort of trips up himself in his own explanation. First he says that it's him who is trying to sell the child. He's the one who says that the girls knew he was kidding. But then he turns around and asks who would say such a thing! Well, you would, sir! You just said that you did! And on top of that, what in the world kind of a joke is that? Offering to sell a baby? It doesn't sound very joke-y to me. Asinine, yes? Joke-y, not so much. Try a knock-knock next time. I can almost guarantee no one will go to jail over a knock-knock joke.

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Attention, Some Of You Walmart Shoppers

Unclench your underwear, America. The case of the weird, racial, overhead announcement at the Walmart in New Jersey has been solved. Now, in case you didn't follow the story last week, here's the scoop:

A bunch of people were shopping at a Walmart in New Jersey. (Yes, pretty much a dream come true, hanging out at the New Jersey Walmart. May I continue?) At some point, someone gets on the intercom and says, "Attention, Walmart customers. All black people, leave the store now." Ooh. Awkward.

As you can imagine, the silence in the store likely made it the most quiet that the store had ever been. As you can also imagine, black patrons shopping at the store were far from amused. Don't get me wrong. I'm pretty sure that the white folks weren't all that amused either. But the black folks were justifiably a little irritated by the whole thing. Really? Irritated. In what way?

According to an article over at Yahoo! Finance (why it's in the Finance section is a little unclear to me, but the article seems accurate, so I'm going with it), immediately after this odd announcement was made "...a manager quickly got on the public-address system and apologized for the remark." None the less, a rather angry mob (sans pitchforks and torches, as they were all being used for health care protests) gathered and was essentially saying things to the effect of "We need to know if this is the sort of thing that Walmart tolerates." Now, even though I know how this story ends, even if I didn't know, I'd go on ahead and guess that it is not the sort of thing that's tolerated. Call it a hunch. Call it my ability to put my finger right on the pulse of corporate America. Call it what you will. But I'd go ahead and guess that it's not OK with them.

And it wasn't. See, at this particular Walmart, all of the intercom commands were on a list right there next to the intercom. And apparently, the intercom was in an area where it is able to be accessed by not only employees, but rogue patrons with odd senses of humor as well. All someone would have to do would be to walk up to it, punch in the appropriate keys (say star-one-star) and then announce to the entire store "Attention, Walmart shoppers. Human kidneys are now on sale for half off in Sporting Goods." Never mind why a kidney is considered a sporting good in this scenario. The point is that it could happen just like that. And that is pretty much where my sympathy or whatever it is for this story ends because after this point, things just get a little too histrionic for me.

See, a 16-year old (who is pretty clearly an a-hole) was later arrested for doing this. He was charged with was charged with harassment and bias intimidation. The New York Daily News reported that "Authorities said it was unclear if the announcement was ad-libbed or premeditated and said they were investigating a second youth who accompanied the arrested teen to the store." Wait. What now?

They're unclear as to whether he thought of it right then or if he had planned this out? Is this a death penalty case? Why in the world would that make a difference? ("So...did you plan ahead of time to be this much of a jackass, or did it just hid you all of a sudden as you were looking at that Ninetendo Wii?") And what are they going to investigate the second youth for? He didn't do anything (from what I can tell). Can they charge him with "Being in the company of an a-hole"? "Accompanying an a-hole to a retail establishment?" I don't think that they can. In fact, I'm pretty sure they can't. Investigate away. Let me know how that turns out. Or don't.

Then I read that Yahoo! News reported that "Officials say several people have come forward and expressed interest in getting counseling." Translation: Several people are thinking about suing because they want the money, not because they needed counseling over a rogue statement made over a Walmart PA system by an errant 16-year old. Who are you people that you would need counseling after hearing that? If you need actual counseling by an actual counselor, I'm going to suggest that the next time you're in Walmart (if you can get over your obvious PTSD) that you buy yourself some sort of a helmet or headgear to protect that soft, soft dome of yours. Good Lord....

Seriously, some of you folks need to get over yourselves. Folks, for example, like a one Sheila Ellington, a storegoer at the time of the incident. She said, "I want to know why such statements are being made, because it flies in the face of what we teach our children about tolerance for all...If this was meant to be a prank, there's only one person laughing, and it's not either one of us." I don't know what she means by she wants to know why those statements are being made. It's as if she thinks that they were sanctioned by Walmart. And again, I'm going to have to say that I'm pretty sure that they weren't. Pretty sure. (What size is her head?)

Really, I understand why this sort of a thing would be upsetting to black folks who were shopping at the time. It's upsetting to white folks who were shopping at the time. It's upsetting to black and white folks who were not shopping at the time. But to be saying that you need counseling is ridiculous and to be asking questions like, "We need to know if this is the sort of thing that Walmart tolerates" is about one of the most ridiculous questions that you could possibly ask in this sort of situation. First of all, what do you think they're going to say? "Oh, sure. We tolerate this. No problem. Stop by next week on Nazi Tuesday for the full extent of what we'll tolerate." I don't think that's going to happen.

Seriously. According to the article, "Officials for Wal-Mart Stores Inc said the announcement was 'unacceptable'." Really? Oh! So, it's NOT acceptable to get on a PA system and tell all black people to leave the store? Look, if you're the sort of person who needs Walmart to SAY that it's unacceptable, now you know! They've said it's unacceptable. Are you happy now? Again, what else would they say?

My point here is that some things that happen are just that. They're things that happen. They don't have to have a deeper meaning other than someone is an a-hole. Actually, a lot of the time, that's the most obvious meaning of a lot of things. But you know what it was about this whole incident that I think surprised me the most? Have you ever been in a Walmart or any large store when there's an announcement made over the PA system? You can't understand a word that they're saying most of the time! It sounds like someone with marbles in their mouth is gasping for air. That anyone could understand the little jerk at all might really be the story here.

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Welcome to the Chattanooga Walmart

If we're going strictly by what we see over at People of Walmart (and if you don't know what I'm talking about, please click that link and take a gander and you'll see what I mean), we could be left with the impression that those sorts of people would behave in a certain sort of way. Then again, if we had evidence to back up that theory, it wouldn't be much of an assumption now, would it? No, it would not. And trust me, it isn't.

Dateline: The Chattanooga, Tennessee Walmart.

Sub-dateline: On Gunbarrel Road. (No, I did not make that up.)

According to the Chattanoogan.com (didn't make that up either, but I kind of wish that I had), on December 27, 2009, a one Joseph Anthony Hill tried "...to force his way pass the Wal-Mart greeter with a shopping cart loaded with TVs and a computer." Of course he did. At that point "Wal-Mart loss prevention personnel attempted to stop Hill" but "he forced his way past them and refused to produce his receipt." Huh. They don't seem to be very good at the "loss prevention" part of their job if they can't stop the "loss" of some TVs and a computer, though I will note that they called them "personnel" and not "specialists", so I guess they've kind of admitted right there that there's not much they're going to be able to do. But, rather than discussing the semantics of job titles regarding the Walmart door Nazis, let's take a gander at Mr. Hill, shall we? Behold!

Yeah, that seems about right. Back to the loss prevention personnel. It's highly likely that they probably wouldn't have been able to do anything if it hadn't been for an off duty policeman, a one Officer Josh Wright, who saw the hubbub and stepped in. He identified himself as a cop and showed the (allegedly) thieving Mr. Hill his badge. Mr. Hill looked at said badge, determined it was fake and attempted to continue on his merry and feloniously thieving ways. This resulted in Mr. Hill getting taken down to the ground by Officer Wright and placed under arrest. No word on where the loss prevention personnel was during all of this. I'm guessing that they were probably scrutinizing the receipt of someone that they just barely watched buy a pack of gum not five feet from where they were standing.

Now, in some states or in some shopping establishments, that might have been the end of the ordeal. But when I tell you that Mr. Hill was there with his wife, a one Lisa Hill, you can probably ascertain for yourself that the incident did not stop there.

For some reason, within moments of her beloved spouse's arrest, Ms. Hill "...began acting as if she was having a heart attack and stated she did not know Hill." Wait. She what?

She feigned a heart attack. A heart attack that...also...brought upon...amnesia? What now? How does that happen? "OH, my God! My heart! My heart! I think I'm having a heart attack and I definitely do not know who that guy is! Nope! Never seen him before! Ever! My heart! My heart!" The article doesn't explain how these two go hand in hand, so we're going to have to assume that it was just like the scenario I just laid out there.

Some time during the midst of this production, a witness "...told Officer Wright that Lisa Hill was lying and that she had observed both the Hills in the store together." Really?! I am shocked. Simply shocked! What else?

Well, I guess that the witness figured that she had done her good deed for the day and attempted to leave the Walmart. That's when Mrs. Hill suddenly recovered from her cardiac arrest sufficiently enough to begin calling the woman a liar. She had made such an improvement from her alleged heart attack only moments before that she managed to summon the strength to follow the witness out to the parking lot and even found the energy to threaten the woman along the way. At some point, her complete recovery was witnessed by Mrs. Hill grabbing the woman's hair, throwing her to the ground and pummeling her with her fists. All they need now is a referee and a whole lot of Jell-O and they've got themselves a party! (And probably a traveling reality show.)

Now, I don't know what I would do in that situation if I were the one being attacked by a recently recovered cardiac arrest induced amnesiac. I'm sure I would have been yelling for help. I might have tried to grab for my cell phone. (No! Not to video it and put it on YouTube! To call 911, you cynic!) But the woman in this situation knew exactly what to do. That's right. She took a knife out of her purse and stabbed the woman!

Oh, my God! What the hell is going on over there at the Tennessee Walmarts?! Good Lord! Look, there are plenty of people out there that I'd like to stab. There are certainly plenty of people out there that I've thought about stabbing. The problem is that it is rare that I ever have a stabbing implement with me at the time. This woman had one all ready to go and handy right there in her purse! The article doesn't state what kind of knife it was. It could have been one of those big ol' Bowie knives that you can behead a deer with. Or (and I'm guessing, most likely) it could have been one that she had stolen from the Sizzler. The bottom line is she had a knife in her purse and she stabbed a crazy fake heart attack woman in the parking lot of a Walmart.

What have we learned here? Quite a bit, I'd say! We've learned that loss prevention at Walmart isn't very effective unless, strictly by coincidence, there is an off duty cop there at the same time. We've learned that the mass theft schemes of folks like Joseph Hill are highly ineffective. We've learned that some people believe that a heart attack will also cause you to lose your memory for a very short period of time, but that you can be reinvigorated a short time later and just enough to assault a fellow shopper. And finally, we've learned that it doesn't seem all that odd for a woman to be packing some sort of stabbing utensil in her purse for just such an occasion while she shops at Walmart.

Oh, and we've also learned that those pictures over there at People of Walmart are definitely worth at least a thousand words and that we can make a fairly reasonable guess as to what those words are going to say.

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