That's A Stabbin'

Have you ever gotten so angry at someone that you can't even finish what it is that you're doing because it's much more important for you to jump up and stab that person right that very second? Yes? No? Well, if your answer was no, then you are clearly not David Davis of Stamford, Connecticut. He chose stabbing over finishing his haircut. And for more reasons that one, he should have just continued with the haircut and then commenced with all of the stabbing.

Here's the story: The aforementioned Mr. Davis was having his hair cut at an apartment. Now, that's not the typical place one goes for a haircut (if one is older than five, that is), so I guess I shouldn't be overly surprised that not a lot of typical stuff went on during this haircut. The Huffington Post tells us that midway through his haircut, he felt the need to jump up, grab a pair of scissors (which I'm assuming were being used by his 'barber') and stab another man in the back. I would really like to know what was so enraging to Mr. Davis that he just couldn't sit there any longer and felt the need to really get a-stabbin' immediately.

At some point, the police showed up after Mr. Davis had impaled and fled. No problem, though. The police dog found him hiding in a nearby apartment and he was arrested. Yeah, it's a shame that he didn't get to finish his haircut before his mugshot. If you're going to commit a crime, try to make sure that you won't look like a complete freakazoid when you eventually get arrested and photographed. Behold!

Good Lord. Granted, he looks like a complete fool in that photo, but judging from the size of that 'fro, he wasn't exactly overly dapper to begin with. And according to him, the fracas got started when he was approached by the stabee the victim in what he described as "an aggressive manner." That's why he picked up the scissors. It was self-defense. It is hard to imagine how much defending himself he had to do when you consider that the victim was stabbed in the back. Usually, when people have their back to me, I'm not really feeling all that threatened by them. I certainly don't feel the need to arm myself with a pair of scissors. But then again, I have no idea what goes down in the haircutting hoods of Stamford.

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The Girl Scout Scissor Stabbin' Badge

I think that we can all pretty much agree that Girl Scout cookies are freaking delicious. Just how delicious might be up to personal interpretation, but there isn't much denying that they're delicious. That they come around only once a year can be a bit stressful. You really need to ration your cookies and, more importantly, you really need to be prepared for when they are gone. Because when they are gone, that's it. They're really gone. Therefore, if you were expecting to still have some Girl Scout cookies left and found out that you suddenly had none, that could make an individual rather angry. I don't know if I could justify that it's the stabbing someone sort of angry, but angry none the less.

Let's go down to Flori-duh where this sort of crap seems to always be occurring and see what happened in the case of a one Hersha Howard. (Hersha? All right. I guess.) According to the folks over there at MSNBC, Ms. Howard noticed that her Thin Mints were gone. Eaten, if you will. She then "...confronted her sleeping roommate and accused her of eating the box of treats." Her roommate, a one Jasmin Wanke (Wanke? That's a pretty name.), told her that "... she'd given the cookies to Howard's kids, who were awake and hungry around 1 a.m." Huh. These folks seem to live a very different life than the one I currently live and the one that I grew up living. I'm sure that, as a small child, I was awake on occasion at 1 a.m. I'm also sure that I was never given Thin Mints cookies due to all of the being awake. Yeah, didn't happen. And I'm not sure why it's happening in this scenario, but I can take a guess. (Here's a hint: Responsible parenting does in no way factor into this equation.)

Well, the news of her eaten Thin Mints was apparently a bit too much for Ms. Howard to take. This is when Ms. Howard jumped on top of Ms. Wanke and began pummeling her in the face. Man, there is so much to like about this story! Oh, but wait! Did I mention that Ms. Howard is four hundred pounds? I didn't? I apologize. She's four hundred freaking pounds. It's amazing she could jump on top of anything, let alone a woman sleeping in bed. I've seen folks that appeared to be pushing the four hundred pound mark and they needed a Rascal scooter in order to become ambulatory. So I have to say that I am a little impressed that this big ol' gal was so mobile.

Now, they apparently fought on the bed for a little bit before Wanke's husband pulled Ms. Howard off of her. Wait. He's in the same bed as her and this chick just walks on in and starts asking about cookies? I don't know about you, but I'm thinking I'd prefer the man that I'm sleeping with to stop things a little bit before they got to this point. I'm thinking just a brief, "What are you doing in here?" followed by a short "Get out!" would be sufficient. But he let it get to the point where he had a four hundred pound woman in his bed on top of his wife. If it weren't for the four hundred pounds, it sounds like most guys' fantasy.

Ms. Wanke fled and Ms. Howard took off after her. Again, incredibly mobile for such a behemoth giant woman. She allegedly grabbed a pair of scissors and threatened to kill Ms. Wanke over the now consumed delicious Thin Mints. And like I said, I know that Thin Mints are good. They're really good. But are they scissor stabbin' good? I don't know about that. Then again, I don't know how good I'd really be at stabbing someone. I can barely get that little straw into the Capri Sun.

Ms. Howard chased Ms. Wanke down the stairs. That is when she dropped the scissors and picked up a board of some sort and struck Ms. Wanke with that. What sort of folks are these that they're feeding Thin Mints to their children at 1 a.m. and that they also have random pieces of lumber lying about? I'm also guessing that if a four hundred pound anything hits you with a board, that's going to leave quite a mark.

From there it was into the kitchen (a shocking locale for a four hundred pound individual to end up) where more fighting occurred and the husband had to separate the two of them once more. This husband is getting quite the workout. And to think he was just rudely awakened only moments ago! I don't know that I'd have it in me to do all of that right after I woke up. I'm not a morning person. Granted, this was the middle of the night, but I still wouldn't feel up to all of the running and separating and tackling that was taking place.

Following that separation, Ms. Wanke ran outside and was, naturally, followed by Ms. Howard. This time, Ms. Howard picked up some sort of a sign and wailed on Ms. Wanke with that for a while until she was tackled by Ms. Wanke's husband. That had to have been amusing. Some four hundred pound, completely enraged, cookieless woman, beating down on her roommate with an undefined sign when she is tackled by the "man" of the house. It sounds like a pretty awesome cartoon, actually. I'm picturing something like Foghorn Leghorn getting tackled by that little chick that said he was a chicken hawk. It sounds like it would be just about as effective.

Wow. Clearly as evidenced by the several different pieces of weaponry that this nutjob wielded against the perpetrator of her apparently beloved Thin Mints, this woman definitely has a certain level of enthusiasm for her snacks. It really might be unmatched by any I've heard of up until this point. (And I have a friend who practically covets the Cadbury Mini Eggs. She has them sent to her from out of town if they first appear in cities other than her own. But I don't think that she'd go after someone with a pair of scissors if they took her Cadbury Mini Eggs. She might give them a good hearty shove to get them away; I think I could see that happening pretty easily. But stabbing? Not really.)

Ms. Howard ended up going to jail and being booked. I'm guessing she could be there for a while, as it's entirely possible she could get stuck in that cell. Perhaps during her downtime in the pokey, she might try to learn some new problem solving skills. Maybe even some new negotiation tactics. Hopefully, none of them will involve scissors, boards or outdoor signs. Then again, I'm pretty sure that you can't teach a four hundred pound Thin Mint fanatic new tricks.

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Welcome to the Chattanooga Walmart

If we're going strictly by what we see over at People of Walmart (and if you don't know what I'm talking about, please click that link and take a gander and you'll see what I mean), we could be left with the impression that those sorts of people would behave in a certain sort of way. Then again, if we had evidence to back up that theory, it wouldn't be much of an assumption now, would it? No, it would not. And trust me, it isn't.

Dateline: The Chattanooga, Tennessee Walmart.

Sub-dateline: On Gunbarrel Road. (No, I did not make that up.)

According to the Chattanoogan.com (didn't make that up either, but I kind of wish that I had), on December 27, 2009, a one Joseph Anthony Hill tried "...to force his way pass the Wal-Mart greeter with a shopping cart loaded with TVs and a computer." Of course he did. At that point "Wal-Mart loss prevention personnel attempted to stop Hill" but "he forced his way past them and refused to produce his receipt." Huh. They don't seem to be very good at the "loss prevention" part of their job if they can't stop the "loss" of some TVs and a computer, though I will note that they called them "personnel" and not "specialists", so I guess they've kind of admitted right there that there's not much they're going to be able to do. But, rather than discussing the semantics of job titles regarding the Walmart door Nazis, let's take a gander at Mr. Hill, shall we? Behold!

Yeah, that seems about right. Back to the loss prevention personnel. It's highly likely that they probably wouldn't have been able to do anything if it hadn't been for an off duty policeman, a one Officer Josh Wright, who saw the hubbub and stepped in. He identified himself as a cop and showed the (allegedly) thieving Mr. Hill his badge. Mr. Hill looked at said badge, determined it was fake and attempted to continue on his merry and feloniously thieving ways. This resulted in Mr. Hill getting taken down to the ground by Officer Wright and placed under arrest. No word on where the loss prevention personnel was during all of this. I'm guessing that they were probably scrutinizing the receipt of someone that they just barely watched buy a pack of gum not five feet from where they were standing.

Now, in some states or in some shopping establishments, that might have been the end of the ordeal. But when I tell you that Mr. Hill was there with his wife, a one Lisa Hill, you can probably ascertain for yourself that the incident did not stop there.

For some reason, within moments of her beloved spouse's arrest, Ms. Hill "...began acting as if she was having a heart attack and stated she did not know Hill." Wait. She what?

She feigned a heart attack. A heart attack that...also...brought upon...amnesia? What now? How does that happen? "OH, my God! My heart! My heart! I think I'm having a heart attack and I definitely do not know who that guy is! Nope! Never seen him before! Ever! My heart! My heart!" The article doesn't explain how these two go hand in hand, so we're going to have to assume that it was just like the scenario I just laid out there.

Some time during the midst of this production, a witness "...told Officer Wright that Lisa Hill was lying and that she had observed both the Hills in the store together." Really?! I am shocked. Simply shocked! What else?

Well, I guess that the witness figured that she had done her good deed for the day and attempted to leave the Walmart. That's when Mrs. Hill suddenly recovered from her cardiac arrest sufficiently enough to begin calling the woman a liar. She had made such an improvement from her alleged heart attack only moments before that she managed to summon the strength to follow the witness out to the parking lot and even found the energy to threaten the woman along the way. At some point, her complete recovery was witnessed by Mrs. Hill grabbing the woman's hair, throwing her to the ground and pummeling her with her fists. All they need now is a referee and a whole lot of Jell-O and they've got themselves a party! (And probably a traveling reality show.)

Now, I don't know what I would do in that situation if I were the one being attacked by a recently recovered cardiac arrest induced amnesiac. I'm sure I would have been yelling for help. I might have tried to grab for my cell phone. (No! Not to video it and put it on YouTube! To call 911, you cynic!) But the woman in this situation knew exactly what to do. That's right. She took a knife out of her purse and stabbed the woman!

Oh, my God! What the hell is going on over there at the Tennessee Walmarts?! Good Lord! Look, there are plenty of people out there that I'd like to stab. There are certainly plenty of people out there that I've thought about stabbing. The problem is that it is rare that I ever have a stabbing implement with me at the time. This woman had one all ready to go and handy right there in her purse! The article doesn't state what kind of knife it was. It could have been one of those big ol' Bowie knives that you can behead a deer with. Or (and I'm guessing, most likely) it could have been one that she had stolen from the Sizzler. The bottom line is she had a knife in her purse and she stabbed a crazy fake heart attack woman in the parking lot of a Walmart.

What have we learned here? Quite a bit, I'd say! We've learned that loss prevention at Walmart isn't very effective unless, strictly by coincidence, there is an off duty cop there at the same time. We've learned that the mass theft schemes of folks like Joseph Hill are highly ineffective. We've learned that some people believe that a heart attack will also cause you to lose your memory for a very short period of time, but that you can be reinvigorated a short time later and just enough to assault a fellow shopper. And finally, we've learned that it doesn't seem all that odd for a woman to be packing some sort of stabbing utensil in her purse for just such an occasion while she shops at Walmart.

Oh, and we've also learned that those pictures over there at People of Walmart are definitely worth at least a thousand words and that we can make a fairly reasonable guess as to what those words are going to say.

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Stabby Joe and the Mangled Manhood

The Swedes are an interesting bunch. They have a legal system that is a bit more subjective and left up to a bit more interpretation that ours here in the US. And my favorite source of all news that is Swedish but in English, The Local, has an example of just that. It involves a man, a woman, a dog, a stabbing, a biting and, of course, a scrotum.

It would seem that a 32-year old man had been found "...guilty of stabbing his ex-girlfriend twice from behind with a knife." (This was on or about March 31st, so it would seem that the whole processing of the criminally accused is quite rapid in Sweden.) At some apartment somewhere in southern Sweden, the man attacked the woman with a knife. After Stabby Joe had burst into action, the woman's Rottweiler burst into his own bit of action. 'Bit' being the key word there as that's just what the dog did. Bit. Bit ol' Stabby Joe there right in the groin and "...succeeded in inflicting serious damage on the 32-year-old's scrotum." Yay, Fido!

Now that's the kind of dog that you want! One that won't be messing around when it's time to defend its owner. And one that won't be trying to work its way up to becoming violent by starting off with a sternly worded growl. Nope, you want one that springs into action immediately by savagely gnawing at the attackers nether region as if it had been dipped in au jus. Way to go sharp-toothed dog!

So what's the downside here? Well, if you're the guy who just got his grundle ground, that's a serious downside! But if you're not him, well, it sounds like an upside to me. (And really, if you knew that there was a pretty good chance that you'd get your penis pulverized if you were to stab someone, wouldn't that be reason enough to double think all of the stabbing? It sounds like a marvelous deterrent if you're asking me. It's so unfortunate our legal system doesn't allow 'retaliation' to be included as part of a 'punishment'. It really is quite a shame.) But there is another downside.

The fact that genitalia gnawing occurred was reason enough for the judge in this case to find him guilty of "...stabbing his ex-girlfriend twice from behind with a knife" and then "...sentenced the man to one and a half years in jail for aggravated assault" and added that "...he would have received a longer sentence had he not been severely bitten in course of the melee." Um, what?

Correct. Because the guy who initiated the stabbing of the ex-girlfriend in the back also ended up with his schlong in shreds, that meant that he should receive a lesser sentence than if he had done all of the stabbing and not had a large and angry dog maul his manhood. Mind you, the dog got stabbed twice also! What in the hell is wrong with that judge?! Seriously. Even if you were inclined to give someone a lesser sentence because they had been Bobbitt-ed, you're only going to go with a year and half? For someone who stabbed his ex-girlfriend in the back?! That seems awfully lenient, below the belt biting or not.

The article even states that "The court rejected both the self-defence claim and the assertion that he had not attacked the woman with a knife." So, the court knows he didn't act in self defense. The court knows that he did attack the woman. And yet he only sentences the asshat to a year and a half in jail because the victims dog went, well...went all dog on the guy?! UN-believable.

If you're in the act of committing a crime and you happen to get injured during said crime, I have zero to less than zero sympathy for you. Don't want to get hurt? Don't commit a crime! Pretty simple that way. But if you do get hurt, don't expect any sort of leniency due to your injuries suffered due to your own jackassery. Oh, unless you're in Sweden. And in that case, wear a cup!

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Look out, Flori-duh, here's Louisiana

(I swear...sometimes, this thing could just write itself....)

In a story that has Louisiana giving Florida some pretty stiff competition for the state with the least intelligent residents/lawbreakers, not to mention the home of some of the stupidest crimes/criminals ever to walk the face of the planet, we have two men, an argument, and a whole lot of alcohol. Oh, and we also have a can of pork and beans....otherwise known as "the source of discontent". Wait. What was that? Pork and beans?!

Correct. Pork and beans. Beans with pork. (Why do they call it that? It's not "pork and beans". It's "beans and a little piece of fat floating on the top when you open the can." It's hardly deserving of the moniker "pork". Pork is the other white meat and you'd be hard pressed to call that little piece of fat "meat", let alone "pork". Pork and beans is a scam, that's all I'm sayin'.) That's what started a fight between two brothers in Gilliam (presumedly, that's in Louisiana). We have a one 54-year old Willie Casst and we have his brother, a one 63-year old Agusta Wells. (Agusta? Really?)

According to KTBS-3, "Two brothers who had been drinking all day got into an argument when they got ready to fix supper." OK, I can see that. You don't like the way that the other one is doing something and you tell them how to do it and they get all pissy. That I get. "...and one stabbed the other over a can of pork and beans." OK, I can't see that. That I do not get. The one got all stabby with the other because of pork and beans? Amazing.

Of course, the words that always seem to apply in situations such as this one are definitely confirmed, as the police stated that "Alcohol had been involved." Shocking, I know. Who would have thought that a 54-year old and a 63-year old fighting with at least one knife over a can of pork and beans were drunk? I am shocked, just SHOCKED. Or maybe I'm not.

The deputies said that "They were getting ready to eat when they started arguing about the beans." Now here is where the reporting falls noticeably short. They did not report on exactly what the argument was about! That is important and relevant, not only to the story, but also in the numerous jokes that could be made about the subject matter of the argument! The more facts and the more details that one can gather with stories like this one, the funnier it's going to be (and usually without trying very hard, either!).

It was Agusta who was the first to let the pork and beans bring him to blows when he "swung at his brother but missed." It's not really much of a shocker that the drunken 63-year old missed, is it? No, not so much. So then, as the argument became more heated (when really, it was the pork and beans that should have been heated) that's when ol' Willie "...got a kitchen knife and stabbed Wells in the left arm and shoulder blade." Of course he did.

A sheriff's department spokeswoman, a one Cindy Chadwick reported that "The one who got stabbed said it was over pork and beans. That all he would say. The other one said, 'Take me to jail." Well, that request can be accommodated. Jail it is! Done!

So Willie ends up being booked for aggravated assault and Agusta (Really? Agusta?) ends up being treated at a hospital for his wounds which were the result of a disagreement over one of the best camping meal staples ever, the beans and the pork. And speaking of Willie, Behold!

Yeah, that seems about right, don't you think?

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A Fork and A Chicken - Together At Last

This headline from the folks over yonder at the Associated Press: "Man accused of fork, chicken attacks." Oh, dear God. What the hell?

In the fine state of Michigan (Jackson, to be exact), a man allegedly stabbed his mother with a fork. he then assaulted another woman with 10 pounds of frozen chicken. Then things start to get weird.

Let's back up here. OK, Einstein, otherwise known as Frederick Duane McKaney, a 40-year old moron from Ypsilanti, stabbed the first woman, otherwise known to Fred as 'Mom', in the neck with a fork on Monday night. This action apparently seemed to be the correct course of action for the man to take when the woman, 'Mom', refused to give him some money. (Well, if she wouldn't give him any money before all of the fork stabbing, I highly doubt she's going to be wanting to hand over any cash after all of the fork stabbing. But that's just me.)

While I suppose I could understand being upset that someone wouldn't give you money that you so clearly demanded from them, I'm a bit confused as to why the fork was the weapon of choice. I'd also like to know where this fork was before the guy used it to poke his mother in the back of the neck. I mean, was it her fork? Was it his fork? Does he always carry a fork around? And if so, why? Does he always think of the fork as more of a weapon and less as a utensil? So many questions. So many morons. Continuing...

(By the way, I'm sure that you won't be all that surprised to learn that Stabby Fred there has spent a bit of time in prison during his life. Yes, shocking, I know.) After stabbing 'Mom', Stabby Fred took off. About an hour after his pronged assault, he was riding a bicycle and encountered two women who were standing on the sidewalk talking. According to the AP, "He said something nasty to them and they responded in kind. He jumped off his bike and hit one woman over the head with 10 pounds of chicken." OK, wait. What?

He hit one of the women over the head with ten pounds of chicken? Chicken as in poultry? Where did this ten pounds of chicken come from? Who in the hell has ten pounds of chicken at one given time, let alone ten pounds of chicken when you're either talking to your neighbor on the sidewalk or riding your bicycle after stabbing your mother with a fork?! Ten pounds is a lot of chicken! I have just perused probably 15 different accounts of this story from 15 different "news" sources online and not one of them, not ONE said anything about where in the hell the 10 pounds of chicken came from! What is wrong with the media?! The chicken is a vital component to this saga and we have no idea where it came from! Grand.

The assault with the mysterious 10 pound poultry weapon caused the woman to need five staples to close the gash in her head. Her husband, rather than tend to his bleeding wife at the moment, got in his truck and followed Stabby Fred as he pedaled off from the scene of the crime. When he saw a police officer, he flagged him down, assumedly explained, "That man on the bike hit my wife over the head with 10 pounds of chicken! What? NO, I'm not telling you where the chicken came from! Arrest him!"

Almost forgot. Behold! Mugshot goodness of Stabby Fred:

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Stabby Joe and Stabby Jane Go To New Mexico

They've had a hell of a time over there in New Mexico lately. I'll start with this happy couple: Picture this: You're at home, you and your beloved (or been loved, either one is fine), just hanging out, watching some porn...you know, typical evening in Albuquerque. As the movie continues, you start getting this deja vu sort of feeling. It's almost like you've seen this one already (it wouldn't be impossible. It's not like you've never seen porn before.), but you're pretty sure you haven't. Or have you? Why does all of this seem so familiar? (Well, everything but that copy machine. Oh, wait. It's a Konica? Never mind.) Even the copy machine seems familiar. But that's not it. It's not office equipment that's the problem. Oh! Wait! That's it! The guy. It's the guy in the porno that you're familiar with. Right! Because he's sitting next to you on the couch right now! I KNEW I knew him from somewhere! Wait. What?

20-year old Amanda Moya was watching porn with her boyfriend when she recognized the actor in the film as him. So, she of course did the next natural thing. She grabbed a knife and went after him. Of course she did. That's when the guy did the next natural thing. He grabbed his cell phone and ran, dialing 911 as he avoided the knife as she repeatedly tried to stab him. Seems reasonable. The running. The stabbing? Well, kind of...but, keep reading. You'll catch on.

Now dude is running down the road wearing only boxer shorts and talking to the 911 operator as he runs. "She almost shanked me and everything. She put the knife right under my throat," he said. (Is he British? Fresh out of prison? Shanked?) And it's a good thing he called 911 because the operator's advice to him was to "keep running" and to "try to get inside a store". (Preferably one that doesn't allow crazed women with knives who are hunting down their alleged porn actor boyfriend. Stores that like ARE plentiful, they just don't advertise publicly. It's an assumed service.) The guy ended up flagging down a deputy that was nearby. He said that she did manage to "stab him in the face" and "bite him on the chest". (She bit the chest and stabbed the face? That seems like it should be the other way around, doesn't it?) Moya was arrested and charged with aggravated assault and aggravated battery. But the best part? You got it.

It wasn't him.

That's right. Not him. She thought it was her boyfriend, but as it turns out, it wasn't. I guess it just looked like him. Or parts of the actor looked like her boyfriend. I don't know which it was. (There really weren't those kind of details.) Naturally, alcohol may have been involved in the attempted battering and attempted assaulting of her non-porn star boyfriend. Yep, that seems about right. And she also was charged with child abuse because when she ran out of the house to chase and with the intent to eventually stab repeatedly her scantily clad, mistakenly identified, live sex actor boyfriend she left her 8-month old baby in the house alone. (Well, not totally alone. There was the porn to keep him company.)

But there's even more crazy crime spree-ness in New Mexico. This time, we're going to hop on over to Santa Fe where a Paul Rodriguez tried to leave a Sam's Club store with two bottles of expensive tequila shoved down his pants. (Expensive tequila? At Sam's Club? Who knew?) So the employees catch him doing this and they've got him detained while they wait for the cops to get there. Naturally, Mr. Rodriguez did what you would expect from a grown man who was just caught with two bottles of tequila in his pants at a Sam's Club. That's right, he took his cane, opened the cane's neck to reveal the 28 inch sword and held the employee at knifepoint as he threatened to use it before he fled. But don't worry, he kept his word and used his cane-sword to slash the torso of another employee as he took off.

Now the man might think he's adept at the ol' slash and flee, but he wasn't. He tripped and fell in the parking lot, hitting his head on the pavement which caused him to bleed. He was still bleeding as he got into a friend's car and told her to drive. The woman, who clearly was of above average intelligence, "sensed that something wasn't right" and told him to get out. That's when the police caught up with him.

This guy is like the Macgyver of the White Trash Ninja Crime World. Although I will say that I am impressed with the dual purpose of the walking assistance device slash medieval weaponry. I mean, it's a cane that's also a sword! That's brilliant! (I'm guessing it was inspired by the famous pirates of yore. A lot of pirates only had that one wooden leg to hobble around on while in the middle of their sword fight on the plank of the ship. That's some inspirational material right there. I think.) Where does one get one of those? Oh, right. Sam's Club.

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