Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Stabby Joe and Stabby Jane Go To New Mexico

They've had a hell of a time over there in New Mexico lately. I'll start with this happy couple: Picture this: You're at home, you and your beloved (or been loved, either one is fine), just hanging out, watching some porn...you know, typical evening in Albuquerque. As the movie continues, you start getting this deja vu sort of feeling. It's almost like you've seen this one already (it wouldn't be impossible. It's not like you've never seen porn before.), but you're pretty sure you haven't. Or have you? Why does all of this seem so familiar? (Well, everything but that copy machine. Oh, wait. It's a Konica? Never mind.) Even the copy machine seems familiar. But that's not it. It's not office equipment that's the problem. Oh! Wait! That's it! The guy. It's the guy in the porno that you're familiar with. Right! Because he's sitting next to you on the couch right now! I KNEW I knew him from somewhere! Wait. What?

20-year old Amanda Moya was watching porn with her boyfriend when she recognized the actor in the film as him. So, she of course did the next natural thing. She grabbed a knife and went after him. Of course she did. That's when the guy did the next natural thing. He grabbed his cell phone and ran, dialing 911 as he avoided the knife as she repeatedly tried to stab him. Seems reasonable. The running. The stabbing? Well, kind of...but, keep reading. You'll catch on.

Now dude is running down the road wearing only boxer shorts and talking to the 911 operator as he runs. "She almost shanked me and everything. She put the knife right under my throat," he said. (Is he British? Fresh out of prison? Shanked?) And it's a good thing he called 911 because the operator's advice to him was to "keep running" and to "try to get inside a store". (Preferably one that doesn't allow crazed women with knives who are hunting down their alleged porn actor boyfriend. Stores that like ARE plentiful, they just don't advertise publicly. It's an assumed service.) The guy ended up flagging down a deputy that was nearby. He said that she did manage to "stab him in the face" and "bite him on the chest". (She bit the chest and stabbed the face? That seems like it should be the other way around, doesn't it?) Moya was arrested and charged with aggravated assault and aggravated battery. But the best part? You got it.

It wasn't him.

That's right. Not him. She thought it was her boyfriend, but as it turns out, it wasn't. I guess it just looked like him. Or parts of the actor looked like her boyfriend. I don't know which it was. (There really weren't those kind of details.) Naturally, alcohol may have been involved in the attempted battering and attempted assaulting of her non-porn star boyfriend. Yep, that seems about right. And she also was charged with child abuse because when she ran out of the house to chase and with the intent to eventually stab repeatedly her scantily clad, mistakenly identified, live sex actor boyfriend she left her 8-month old baby in the house alone. (Well, not totally alone. There was the porn to keep him company.)

But there's even more crazy crime spree-ness in New Mexico. This time, we're going to hop on over to Santa Fe where a Paul Rodriguez tried to leave a Sam's Club store with two bottles of expensive tequila shoved down his pants. (Expensive tequila? At Sam's Club? Who knew?) So the employees catch him doing this and they've got him detained while they wait for the cops to get there. Naturally, Mr. Rodriguez did what you would expect from a grown man who was just caught with two bottles of tequila in his pants at a Sam's Club. That's right, he took his cane, opened the cane's neck to reveal the 28 inch sword and held the employee at knifepoint as he threatened to use it before he fled. But don't worry, he kept his word and used his cane-sword to slash the torso of another employee as he took off.

Now the man might think he's adept at the ol' slash and flee, but he wasn't. He tripped and fell in the parking lot, hitting his head on the pavement which caused him to bleed. He was still bleeding as he got into a friend's car and told her to drive. The woman, who clearly was of above average intelligence, "sensed that something wasn't right" and told him to get out. That's when the police caught up with him.

This guy is like the Macgyver of the White Trash Ninja Crime World. Although I will say that I am impressed with the dual purpose of the walking assistance device slash medieval weaponry. I mean, it's a cane that's also a sword! That's brilliant! (I'm guessing it was inspired by the famous pirates of yore. A lot of pirates only had that one wooden leg to hobble around on while in the middle of their sword fight on the plank of the ship. That's some inspirational material right there. I think.) Where does one get one of those? Oh, right. Sam's Club.

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

OF COURSE it wasn't him.