Saturday, April 5, 2008

Career Opportunities in California

Bloom county wheelchair OpusLooking for a new job? Want something different? Something slightly illegal perhaps? Been thinking about starting a life of crime? If so, then Palo Alto, California may be the place for you to get that new start, my friend! Here's why.

The fine folks over there at the San Jose Mercury News reported that the Palo Alto police are searching for a man who robbed a bank on Thursday afternoon. And while that in and of itself might not sound so remarkable, perhaps the fact that the robber escaped might make it more remarkable? No? How about if he escaped in an electric wheelchair? Ah-HA! I thought that might do it. Oh, but it gets better.

The suspect has been described as "65 to 70 years old, with gray hair and a beard." (Santa? Is that you? What the hell happened to your legs? Why are you in that wheelchair? Where's Rudolph?) If you're on the lookout for the above described individual, you should also be aware that "Both of the man's legs were wrapped in bandages" and "He was last seen motoring toward El Camino Real at 4:25pm. (Presumedly on his way to Denny's for the Early Bird Special.)" Um, OK. WTF?!

HOW in the hell was no one able to catch this guy?! He's in a wheelchair for cryin' out loud! I don't care if it's electric or not, how fast could that thing possibly go?! It's like one of those Rascal things and they barely hit 5 mph even when going downhill! On top of that, the guy's legs were bandaged!! Couple that with the apparent need for a wheelchair and it would seem to indicate that his legs were fully inoperable at the time of the crime! He couldn't run. He couldn't even WALK! And he's elderly! Who was on patrol at the time? Stevie Wonder?!

Bloom County Opus wheelchair
Clearly, if they can't catch a guy without the full use of both of his legs and who is also (apparently) without the ability to STAND UP then how in the hell can they be expected to catch someone who can, oh, I don't know, WALK?? God forbid if they could RUN. The city would be quickly overrun with crime (pun probably intended.). Go there to start your life of crime, I say! You'll obviously get off on the right foot. Oh, wait! You don't need to get off on ANY feet, apparently! You don't even need to stand up! (If you can find someone to push you around in your Barcalounger to all of your potential crime scenes, you might not even have to get dressed for this new career, either!)

Here's the final bit of info that you might need if you'd like to help find this physically immobile, senior citizen bank robber: "Police were looking for a white Ford van." What in the hell for? To chase after him in??

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