Friday, April 4, 2008

The Milkman, The Gas Mask, And All The Sex

milkmanWell, here's one you don't hear about every day (thank God). A divorced, 47-year old milkman was found dead in his home with a Russian war surplus, biological warfare mask on his head. WTF?


milkmanThe father of 3, a one Christopher Harris of somewhere in the UK, had apparently run tubes from the mask into a bottle of chloroform. His intention was to, shall we say, indulge in some self gratifying sexual behaviors of the off beat sort. As you can probably guess (considering the guy is dead), the whole kinky, sex plan went horribly awry when he inhaled too much of the chloroform and died.

Apparently, over yonder in the UK, they have something called "Coroner's Court". When someone in the UK dies, the Coroner's Court thatgas mask has jurisdiction over the recently croaked must make sure that "all deaths and suspected deaths" are properly investigated. (The Coroner's Court is also supposed to investigate any "fire or explosion". I guess they probably count on finding at least a death or two in those instances, so might as well put everything in the same court. Saves time that way. Efficient those English chaps are.) If further investigation or questioning (presumedly of those who are still alive) is needed, they hold a hearing where the coroners are allowed to present evidence or witnesses to explain how said death occured. As you can imagine, a situation like this is prime Coroner Court material. No waiting! Go to the front of the line!

It was during the Coroner's Court inquiry that we learned it was Debra Keylock, a 41-year old grandmother who "shared an interest with Mr Harris in Bondage Discipline Submission Sadism Masochism (BDSM), gas maskdiscovered his lifeless body and raised the alarm after letting herself into his home with a spare key." OK, then. Wait. What? A 41-year old, BDSM grandmother, did it say? That's just wrong on so many levels. You know it. I know it. Even she knows it.

But let's not jump to conclusions about her relationship with the gas mask-clad deceased. Of course you know that Ms. Keylock, "who described herself as being in a domination/submissive relationship with Mr Harris, told the inquest they never had sex together." Right. Um, soooo, no rules about perjury in Coroner's Court, I can assume? There must not be. If there were, proceedings would have ground to a screeching halt right about there! What kind of a relationship, other than a sexual one, is described as being one of "domination" and "submission? That's right. NONE. And what kind of a relationship, other than a sexual one, involves two people who share, what would appear to be more than just a causal interest, in BDSM?!? Right again! NONE. Does she really think we're buying that?! We're not. She was doing him. Often. With or without a gas mask, but still doing him.

milkmanMs. Keylock confirmed for the court that, upon entering his apartment, she found Mr. Harris lying "in bed wearing a mask which had a tube attached to a bottle and another tube attached to a breathing bag." (Clearly that "breathing bag" part didn't work so well.)

The coroner then summed the situation up like this, "Mr Harris practiced, on a consensual basis, what many consider to be deviant sexual practices. (Do you think? What tipped him off?)

"One practice is concerned or associated with breathing deprivation and involved dressing, in this case, in what I understand to be a Soviet war surplus biological warfare head guard into which he was able to introduce, via tubes, different substances – the inhalation of which provided him with some satisfaction. (I highly doubt that this particular instance provided ANY satisfaction.)

feet"Mr Harris was found dead in his accommodation by a friend and co-partner in these practices when she used to visit him. (That sounds an awful lot like coroner talk for "having all the deviant sex" if you ask me.)

"He had tried to experiment with chloroform in the past and I’m satisfied that he was doing so when that experiment went tragically wrong. (When is something that goes this "wrong" not "tragic"?)
milkman
"Whilst I have no doubt he deliberately set up the helmet so he could breathe chloroform, I’m satisfied when it went wrong it was neither intended or expected." (Yeah, "death" is rarely the intention or the expectation when sexually gratifying oneself with a Soviet gas mask on your face. In fact, almost never is that the case.) End of testimony.

So how did all of this turn out in the Coroner's Court? According to the fine folks over there at The Sun, "a verdict of misadventure was recorded." Although I was unaware that "misadventure" could even be a verdict, I'd have to say that, in this instance, it's totally appropriate.

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2 comments:

Anonymous said...

she murdered him.

Anonymous said...

Hm... gas mask.. sex.. what a ? :) If you really want real sex, you'd better visit gas mask sex blog :)