Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Nothing Short of Predictable

These two have never had sex Oh, this could be one of the greatest days in the history of great days! Definitely a great day in the history of days that involve a story that I predicted months ago would be here shortly! And it is! It is! And I am quite giddy about it! Hold on to your butt for this one. Ready? Four words: Gary. Coleman. Divorce. Court.

Gary Coleman, as we are not allowed to ever forget (because Coleman won't let us), used to play the diminiuitive Arnold Jackson on the TV show "Diff'Rent Strokes". And as anyone who cared enough to remember may recall, Coleman wed his Amazon-esque child bride, 22 year old Shannon Price, in a secret ceremony that may or may not have taken place atop a mountaMeet The Colemans!  Married and Sexlessin. (It definitely took place in front of a backdrop of a mountain, but any sort of confirmation of a real mountain being involved has yet to emerge.) They wed on her birthday, a move that I mentioned might have seemed like a pretty good idea at the time, but it will not seem so brilliant when they get divorced. And that day is finally here! Well, almost. It will officially be here on May 1 and May 2 when Coleman and Price appear on,( what will come as a huge surprise to no one) one of Coleman's favorite shows, "Divorce Court". Oh, how I wish Judge Wapner were around for this one. (Yeah, I know he was on The People's Court. I just miss Judge Wapner, that's all)

Now, word has it that some of the issues that couple will present to Judge Lynnn Toler (and the rest of the ex-child-star-getting-divorced watching general public via syndication) are Coleman's anger issues and his intimacy issues. Those who are recalling some of this hilarity will remember that the ex-child actor's temper is shorter than he is. Coleman had a conversation with a computer printer (ie, "You have to die.") after he couldn't receive a fax. After informing the printer of it's imminent fate, he hucked it across a room in the direction of his betrothed. Or perhaps it's the revelation that emerged after many months of the couple's oddly wedded not-so-very blissful union that is all too fresh in your mind. You know, when we learned that their holy union had yet to be consummated (presumably because Coleman couldn't find a ladder). Please refer to Vegas for the odds on if they've ever done it. (Also, keep your eye out for the ever popular and extremely wacky prop bets such as: Did they do it more than once? Were they both conscious at the time? Did he cry? Did he cry before or after?)

Yes, he bashes his head into the wall!Both parties to agree that they have "ugly" monthly fights. Monthly? (OK, well, from what I can tell "monthly" must mean "daily". But I'm not here to quibble, really.) Shannon says that, "If he doesn't get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a five year old does. He like stomps the floor and yells, 'Meehhhh,' and starts throwing stuff around. He bashes his head in the wall, too." (Helmet!) OK, I am dying to hear that "Meehhhh" sound repeated in court. You KNOW it will be. You KNOW she will make the diminuitive man-boy grunt-noise for the courtroom. And I can't wait.

Now, when Coleman has his say about their relationship, he says that his frustration stems from the man always being the bad guy. (No, Gary, see, it's "the man who throws things" at his wife that's "the bad guy." That's a little different than "the man who does not throw things." The man who does not throw things is simply "the guy".)

Coleman says, "I don't have any friends (shocker!) and don't have any Coleman at the 'height' of his celebrity status, pardon the punintention of making any. (Mission accomplished, Gare! Congrats!) People will stab you in the back, mistreat you, talk about me behind your back (or over your head), steal from you. And they're not really your friends. (They're) only there because you're a celebrity or because they want to get something from you." Um, I think he's taking a bit too much liberty with that term "because you're a celebrity." I really can't say that I think of Gary Coleman as "a celebrity". I think of him as that weird little dude who was on Diff'Rent Strokes who STILL hasn't had post-marital sex! But I only think that after I think of him as the crazed printer throwing married virgin. But "celebrity"? Yeah, that's a stretch. (Which might help, actually.)

It's a good thing that you don't have any intention of making any friends, Gary. That way, the cordial exchanges that one would need to engage in for the purpose of making of the friends won't get in the way of your tantrum throwing, grunt yelling and peripheral hurling. (And psst...Gary! Don't worry about people stealing from you. From what I hear, there's nothing to steal!)

Coleman also said that their private life was "mediocre." Um, you're getting divorced. That's aWell, no wonder he's so short.  He's missing a torso. pretty good sign that your private life is not quite "mediocre". No, that's "get out". "Mediocre" is kind of like an undesirable, yet fairly tolerable, "average". And I, personally, have yet to be in a situation where things are being heaved upwards in my direction as some overly enraged and self proclaimed celebrity grunts "Meeehhhh!" (I mean, come on, that's like saying Coleman's height is "average".)

But even with the pending trip to Splitsville, Coleman says, "It's not her fault. I always feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders every day I get up. ... There are days I don't even want to get up." And what is this pressing global weight upon you, Gary? Afraid your lawfully wedded wife might want you to have SEX?! (And a ::gasp!:: goes up from the crowd!) Worried you're going to forget your footstool every time you leave the house? Run out of things to throw? What could he possibly be over there stressing about? Which one of his shoes to hawk on next on eBay? (As you may or may not choose to recall, Shannon is "a fabulous eBayer" who one day may amount to something, as avowed by her husband, Gary. Shocker that this marriage is over, eh?)

(OK, I can't resist...."The weight of the world on your shoulders?" Everybody! Sing along! "It's a small world after all!" You know the words! "It's a small world after all!" )

So, May 1 and May 2, Gary Coleman Gets Divorced. Mark your calendars and set your TiVos. If it's even half as entertaining as the wedding, it's going to be pretty darn good. Stay tuned, won't ye? (And don't forget....call Vegas!)

******

Side note: I wrote my first post ridiculing Gary Coleman and his equally virginous and towering bride back in February. While I have zero attachment to Gary or Shannon, I do have a bit of attachment to the memory of a beginning during the time that I wrote that post (one that has nothing to do with the now divorcing Colemans). And I just wanted to say thanks for finding me amusing (most of the time). I never would have thought I'd ever have a Gary Coleman memory. But then again, who would? (I'm guessing not even Shannon.)

Stumble Upon Toolbar Sphere: Related Content

3 comments:

J said...

hey, here is the site i was talking about where i made the extra cash, I was making about $900 extra a month...
check it out ..

J said...

hey, here is the site i was talking about where i made the extra cash, I was making about $900 extra a month...
check it out ..

J said...

hey, here is the site i was talking about where i made the extra cash, I was making about $900 extra a month...
check it out ..