Some moron (I can call them a moron when it's obvious that they actually are a moron.) has come up with the "Top Ten Ways To Green Up Your Sex Life". (And just because it says "Top Ten", don't go off thinking that it's Letterman that is spewing out this BS. His BS is so much better than this.) "Green Up" my sex life? OK, I read that and came up with, "Do it in the grass" and "Take a shower together" and....well, I guess that would be it. Actually, I suppose I could add "Do it in the grass and THEN take a shower together". That'll green it up all at the same time! Two birds, one stone! (Although I really don't think that you should be throwing stones around if you're trying to have sex. Green or not. It doesn't help.) Or something like that...just as long as it means having environmentally friendly intercourse. So, I came up with the Top TWO (maybe THREE) ways you can "green things up" a bit in the sack. How could there be seven or eight more?! Considering that my two aren't even on the list, it might shock to you learn that there are, in fact, ten more. In no particular order, here we go.
- Sustainable lingerie. That would be lingerie made out of fibers such as hemp and/or cotton. I am not envisioning a particularly sexy article of bedroom wear that is made out of hemp and/or cotton. And what I am envisioning has a hood in case it gets chilly while you're doing it on the lawn, and that's never a pretty sight.
- Vegan condoms. Contrary to what the name sounds like, these are not condoms that are made out of vegatables. They are made without animal derivatives and have earned the Vegan Society stamp of approval. (Why the Vegan Society is qualified to stamp approvals on condoms, I do not know. But I wouldn't trust it.) The condoms are made with natural, biodegradable latex (from the naturally growing "latex tree", found in it's natural environment of Trojanland?) and non-spermicidal lubricant. Apparently, if you're going to kill sperm, that's a problem for the environment. No word on whether this is a catch and release program.
- Natural lubricants. These would be lubricants that do not contain parabens, glycerin, silicon, hormones or petroleum. (Which lubricants come with hormones?!) The two varieties of these natural lubricants are water based and oil based. Translation: Water and oil.
- Organic massage oils. These are massage oils that do not contain insecticides, herbicides or fungicides that are found in traditional oils and can be absorbed into the bloodstream through the skin. OK, I don't know what these people were told, but Round-Up and WD-40 are NOT "organic massage oils". WTF?!
- The Twisted Monk Bondage Kit. Now they're dragging monks into it?! (They sure are assuming that everyone who wants to "go green" also wants to be tied up and paddled, and that's not always the case.) You know what this consists of? Rope. Oh, excuse me, rope made out of hemp. The kit comes with three pieces of rope and a pair of safety scissors. If you ever think about using this, please take the three pieces of rope, fashion yourself a very hemp-y noose and hang yourself. We'll all be better off (but especially you).
- Smart Balls Massage Balls. These balls are made of hygienically-safe elastomer, and are phthalate free. (Phthalate free? Are you picturing Sylvester the Cat giving this pitch? "Ttthhhufffering TThhhuuccutoash, they're Phthalate free!") Elastomer toys are a healthy alternative to those made with PVC plastics and jellies. (PVC plastics? Like what my sprinkler lines are made out of? THAT PVC?? If you're using PVC pipe for sex toys, please, concentrate on that malady and forget about going green right now. You've got bigger things to worry about.)
- Take a bath with organic bath products. These are bath products that are cruelty free. They are vegan and they are "socially responsible". Yes, this is important because of all the Chinese sweatshops where many, many animals are made to work under cruel and unusual conditions so that we may enjoy a little hibiscus bubble goodness to soak in after our long day (of working, not writing these lists). I don't think I can call this "socially responsible". Socially reprehensible, perhaps. Responsible? Not a chance in hell, my friend.
- Fair trade aphrodisiacs. That's right. How about some chocolate and some champagne that is produced by small-scale cocoa and sugar farmer cooperatives in the Dominican Republic, Peru, Paraguay and Costa Rica? They make the stuff in those countries, and then put it on a big ol' plane to fly over here with it, emitting tons and tons of CO2 into the atmosphere which will increase global warming and damage the Ozone just so you can have a little snack. What a great idea.
I rest my case.