Saturday, April 19, 2008

Aw, Nutz

Those lawmakers over in Florida have a bit too much time on their hands when they can think up unnecessary legislation that they can waste their time on, that will never pass, and that they will end up walking away from when it fails to pass and right after being labeled "that nutjob". (Pun probably intended.)

The sort of overpaid-with-not-enough-real-work-to-do lawmaker described above would include a Senator like Florida Senator Carey Baker, R-Eustis (or D-Dumbass). Senator Baker is on some sort of a mission or a crusade (or some other religious reference that really has nothing to do with the context in which it's being used here) to ban Truck-Nutz. Can you believe it?! The Truck-Nutz! He wants to BAN Truck-Nutz! Wait. WTF are Truck-Nutz? Behold! Truck-Nutz!:

Truck Nutz
Truck-Nutz are described as "replicas of bull testicles" and they are intended to hang from the rear fender of trucks. I had no idea that trucks lacked testicles. I mean, I know that they don't HAVE testicles, I didn't know that they NEEDED testicles. (By the way, if anyone is buying the "bull testicle" description after seeing the picture above, you are probably an idiot. At the very least, you're soft headed. OK, sure, there are a bunch of bulls running around Florida with smooth, pink-ish, flesh-colored testicles. Right. Do you really think that's what bull's testicles look like? OK then. Why can't they just call 'em what they are? If it walks like a dick duck and talks like a dick duck, it's a dick duck.) But apparently trucks DO need testicles. So someone invented the Truck-Nutz and the rednecks of Florida went F-ing-Nutz over them.

Not all of his colleagues agree with him (thank God). Florida Senate Democratic Leader Steve Geller had this to say on the matter, "It's shocking we would be telling people that have metallic testicles on the bottom of their bumpers, 'Guess what? We've now determined it's obscene.' There's gotta be better things for us to be debating." Well, there ARE better things for you to be debating, that part is true. (The "metallic testicles on the bottom of their bumpers" part cracked me up. Senator, could you repeat your sentiments about the "metallic testicles", please? Some of us here in the back didn't quite catch all of it.) And while they may not be metallic, at least he knows it's a stupid law to try to pass. That's good enough for me.

Baker has tucked his little proposal into a transportation package that will ban drag racing and that will also allow hybrid vehicles in the HOV lanes regardless as to number of passengers. That seems like an appropriate place for banning fake testicles, right? Um, no. (Little stunts like this one remind me of the UIGEA, Unlawful Internet Gaming Enforcement Act, which was tucked inside an anti-terrorism package. Senators shouldn't be sneaky. Or stupid.)

Oh, but you'll be glad to know that this proposal is chock full of more ridiculously stupid goodness. Sen. Baker has made it clear that his proposal would not affect the decals that depict a "little boy doing bad things to other vehicles." (The "little boy" in question would be this guy, who I won't name because I think he's too cool to be associated with this Sen. Baker moron.)Calvin Silhouette

Senator Baker continues with his explanation by saying, "That's not my issue. My bill refers to a reproduction of reproductive glands. So, if it doesn't show the glands, it isn't covered. And the little boy decals don't show the glands." (And thank God that it doesn't.) Boy, this guy has thought of everything in his quest against the Truck-Nutz, right down to the exclusion of the depiction of a cartoon urinating on various objects of discord. The fact that he actually did include some sort of exemptive clause in this bill specifically FOR the cartoon, pretty much cements the fact that he's nutz. Er, nuts. WAY too much time on his hands.

Now, I'll admit they're amusing. I don't think I'd have a pair on my truck, but my truck is studly enough without Truck-Nutz. But, hey, they do make sense (unlike the Senator). A large truck that is owned by a male is often referred to (by me) as a "penis extension". Thus, it seems fitting that the "extension" have some "nutz". (You know, otherwise it wouldn't seem real.) One thing that shouldn't be extended, however, is Senator Baker's term. And that's because, when it comes to thinking about the American public's tax dollars hard at work, I'm used to thinking about assholes. I'm not used to thinking about testicles.

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