Behold! Thudguard! (Yes, that is really what it's called.)
I don't know what the little ear flaps are on top, but they make the thing reminiscent of some sort of helmet worn by Mickey Mouse for his own protection after "the unfortunate tumble down the stairs" in the Magic Kingdom that fateful day. They also appear as if they have the ability to spin around as to allow the youngster to enjoy the freedom of flight (which would seem to detract from the overprotective nature of the invention as a whole). I'm also going to have to say that the material used to construct these things was clearly harvested from the carcasses of dead Teletubbies.
The Thudguard literature states that Thurdguard "is made from incredibly advanced lightweight foam that gives maximum impact protection around a baby's head in the early years when the fontanelle or soft spot, can be vulnerable. Thudguard eliminates the weight and discomfort of leather, plastic and vinyl covered latex headgear, and all the reasons why children refuse to wear protective headgear." OK, wait a minute. "Leather, plastic and vinyl covered latex headgear"?? Are these clumsy little dandelions The Village People Children? How many babies in the UK are running around with the oh-so-uncomfortable leather headgear?! (You know what? It doesn't matter. If the answer is "one", it's too many!)
- WTF-Q1: Why is Thudguard unique? (Have you not seen the Thudguard?)
- WTF-Q2: What is the difference between Thudguard and a cycle helmet? (See above.)
- WTF-Q3: When should my infant wear a Thudguard? (This is the point I'm trying to get at here...NEVER!!!)
- WTF-Q4: Is using Thudguard "overprotective"? (Um, yes, yes, and oh, my God, YES!) Of course, they didn't see it that way. They stated it was "quite the opposite" (but only if "opposite" means "the same").
- WTF-Q5: How did we manage before Thudguard came along? (Contrary to what you're probably thinking, no, I did not make that question up. It was really in the FAQs.)
- WTF-Q6: How do I get my baby to wear Thudguard? (See? Even the baby knows it's just not right! By the way, they suggest "putting it on fast" or doing it when there is some excitement going on, like "going out to the garden". Wait. What?)
- One last question: WTF?! WTF?! WTF?!?!
So there you have it. Oh, and remember that part about how the Thudguard is necessary because off that pesky little vulnerable soft spot that they called the fontanelle? You know, the so-called Achilles Heel of the Infant Noggin World? Right. And it needs to be protected at all times, lest it ruin the child's chances at a normal existence? (Hey, just wearing that thing pretty much ensures that the child will grow up to have an existence where, when it all comes to fruition one day, will be described by the neighbors as "the quiet guy in the corner apartment with the funny smells coming out of it".) At the end of the Thudguard FAQs, it asks "Is my child's fontanelle (soft spot) really that vulnerable?" The answer that they give: NO. What does that tell you?
I think it's obvious that there are definitely some soft headed individuals involved when this helmet is the topic. But I don't think it's the soft heads of the kids that we should be the most concerned about. No, I'm thinking that the soft-headed parents who subject their child to overprotectiveness and the "keep my child in a bubble for the rest of his life" syndrome are the ones who should really be wearing the helmet.