Monday, April 21, 2008

Prison in England? Not So Bad

Broadmoor Hospital

Broadmoor Hospital is a psychiatric hospital in Berkshire, England. It opened in 1863 under the title of "Criminal Lunatic Asylum" (they clearly weren't worried about being politically correct in 1863). When Broadmoor opened, it housed 95 female patients, with a section for male patients opening up about a year later. (I find it interesting that in 1863 England, there was a need for an asylum that was specifically for female criminal lunatics. What the hell was going on over there back then anyway?) Broadmoor's mission statement said it was "intended for the reception, safe custody and treatment of persons who had committed crimes while actually insane or who became insane whilst undergoing sentence of punishment." Became insane? Whilst undergoing punishment? So if you're in jail and you "go nuts" you can get shipped off to Broadmoor? That seems like way too easy of a gig to land there. (I do like the "actually insane" part. You can't just "act" insane. No, you have to actually BE insane. Clarification always helps.)

But today, in good ol' 2008, there are plenty of men at Broadmoor. It's like the Who's WhoPeter Sutcliffe the Yorkshire Ripper of British criminals. One of their most famous patients/inmates/lunatics is Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe. For some reason, they like to put the criminals crime and their location in front of their name as if it were a title like "Doctor" or "Your Honor". (It definitely stands out, but I really see it as being unnecessary and not quite as prestigious as "Doctor".) During the 1970s, Sutcliffe killed 13 prostitutes and tried to kill 7 more on top of those (no, they weren't actually on top of the others when they were killed. I know they're prostitutes, but they're not in a circus!).

Now, I know that there are a lot of people in the US who think that our prison system is not tough enough on the criminals that are in our prisons. If you'd like to think that the US prisons are plenty tough on the criminals in the US, just take a look at how things go over there at Broadmoor if you want to get an idea of how a precious little snowflake should really be treated.

The aforementioned Yorkshire Ripper, Peter Sutcliffe, now weighs 19 stone (which is 266 pounds) and has been admitted to the medical wing of Broadmoor because he has been "gorging on five-star food" and could drop dead at any minute due to his increased weight and his diabetes has caused his blood sugar levels to go through the roof.. Wait. Five star food? For prisoners? WTF?

Yep. Apparently, according to "a source" "The food here isn’t far off five-star and Sutcliffe eats bucket loads every day. He’s being given insulin to try and balance them but the fact is that they have to stop him scoffing so much food.” Do they have a freaking buffet over there at the British Asylum For Killers of Hookers? Why are they getting five-star food? Why aren't they given stale crumpets and a spot of tea or something like that?

The Yorkshire Ripper-The Wolfman Jack DaysA source told the fine folks over there at metro.co.uk that Sutcliffe is "being forced to diet in order to keep him alive." Wait. What? I mean, WHY? Who gives a fat, rat's ass (pun probably intended) if this guy drops dead? Oh, maybe they want him to stay alive so that they can put the excellent gym and Olympic-size swimming pool at the hospital to good use. (They even have aqua aerobics sessions in that Olympic-size pool. WTF?! Can you envision the Yorkshire Ripper doing water ballet? Me neither.) Yeah, they'll be taking him to use those facilities every other day.

So there you have it. Crazed whore killers in England being fed as much five star food as they want in prison to the point of a serious killer inmate diabetic obesity overload (the ol'SKIDOO). And then, when they're all good and fat and ready to drop dead, they take them out to the pool for a refreshing dip! Do they towel them off when they get out of the pool as well? It wouldn't surprise me at this point if they did.

Say what you want about the US prisons. They could be worse. Er, better. No, wait, worse. I think I mean worse. But they're better, aren't they? Yes. So, better? No, better is worse, right? Now I'm confused. About the prisons in England, about if they're better or worse, and about that whole damn metric system over there, too. That's almost as much of a head scratcher as trying to save the fat imprisoned British killer's life from certain doom. Go figure.

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