What Gives?

A couple of days ago (I think it was last week) Christina Aguilera was being driven home by her boyfriend down in LA when the car was stopped by the police. Turns out, both her and her boyfriend were drunk as could be. He ended up getting arrested because he was drunk and he was driving. She ended up getting arrested because she was drunk and...well, they said it was because she "couldn't take care of herself" and she needed to be in some sort of protective custody. But as soon as she sobered up enough to do the walk of shame out the back door of the police station, they let her go. They explained that this is their procedure and that they never had any intention of prosecuting the offense. What the offense was is still a bit murky to me. Regardless, she was drunk and really not hurting anyone and was arrested.

Fast forward a few days to yesterday and welcome a one complete crackpot, Mr. Carlos Irwin Estevez, aka Charlie Sheen. Yesterday, Mr. Sheen learned that he had been fired from his money making factory otherwise known as "Two And A Half Men". He didn't seem to take the news very well. No, he ended up on top of a building which houses something called Live Nation (which is apparently a concert promotion endeavor). While he was up there, he was drinking some sort of a liquid out of a bottle which had the words "Tiger Blood" scrawled on the side with a marker. He was also brandishing a machete. And while he was up there, he yelled, "Free at last! Free at last!" Sure. That seems like a completely reasonable reaction to learning that you've just been fired. Yeah. Totally reasonable.

And really, if you think that I'm going to be all delving into what the problem is with Charlie Sheen, I'm not. (If you were wondering though, he's a narcissist. Plain and simple. Maybe he's on drugs. Maybe he's not. It doesn't really matter, though, as his behavior would be the same because he is so narcissistic.) I can't devote much more time to this winning loser. But seeing as how I've laid out two separate, yet kind of similar scenarios involving erratic behavior in public, I do have a question. How is it that Christina Aguilera gets arrested for being driven home drunk and Charlie Sheen can be on top of a building wielding and waving a very large knife with a container labeled "Blood" and nothing happens? Nothing. Actually, I take that back. There were plenty of things going on. Several members of the press were photographing this insanity. But was there law enforcement anywhere to be found? Apparently not. And if there was, they certainly weren't interested in arresting anyone. And really, if I had to choose who I'd rather see off of the streets, Charlie Sheen or Christina Aguilera, I'm going to pick Charlie Sheen and I'm going to pick him now.

So what gives? I have no idea. All I know is that if the picture above is Charlie Sheen "winning", I'd really hate to see what losing looks like.

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Please Think Twice Before Using That Knife

You know how when little kids don't get their way they'll throw a tantrum or hold their breath? All in the hopes that you'll change your mind or that they'll get their way somehow? It never works. (At least, it should never work!) But they'll keep doing it until they figure out that a) throwing a tantrum does not get you what you want, and/or b) you can only hold your breath for just so long before you either give up or pass out. But until they figure out that these tactics of theirs are not going to work, there's really no harm done. Even the holding the breath thing doesn't hurt them. Eventually, they'll breathe! It's how it works. It's a marvelous system that way, the respiratory system is.

But there are some tantrums that COULD be harmful. Such as the 'tantrum' that a 25-year old labor worker in Egypt threw after being denied permission to marry the girl of his choice (instead of having his marriage arranged for him to someone that he possibly didn't know and likely didn't love). When this guy threw a tantrum, he did it by way of lopping off his manhood with a hot knife. Ay, Cairo-umba!

Correct. According to metronews.ca up there in Edmonton in America's Hat, the man "...cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower class family." Now that's some spite! Holy crap! Every time I hear one of these 'missing manhood' stories, I always cringe even though I don't even have one! But doing to to yourself?! Zoiks!

This man (and I use that term loosely at this point as he was taken to a hospital but "...doctors were unable to reattach the severed member") is not going to be happy with himself when he realizes what he has done. Or undone. Whichever. Bottom line is the guy has no one thing. He has nothing.

It would seem that the man (again, used loosely) had been trying to marry this girl that he loved for the past two years, but his father wouldn't have it. I guess you can only be denied permission to marry the person that you love for just so long before you start mutilating your reproductive organs, eh? (I am SO praying that this sort of behavior doesn't catch on here in California after the courts upheld the ban on gay marriage. This state has enough problems without a bunch of guys hacking off their units. I mean, holy cow, could you imagine? Say, in San Francisco? If that were to occur, they'd be assemble to assemble a choral unit that could rival the Vienna Boys Choir!) Personally, before I took a knife to my nether regions, it would be a hell of a lot longer than two years, that much I do know!

The article says that he "heated up a knife and sliced off his reproductive organ." Well, that's something you're not going to be able to reproduce, that's for sure! Interesting that he heated it up first. I don't know what their living quarters situation is there in Egypt, so I don't know what options the lad had. I don't know if it was possible for him to keep a blow torch in his room where he could heat up the improvisational scalpel in private or if he had to venture into the family living areas and heat his knife over a fire pit in the commons area or what. That could have been awkward though. ("Whatcha doin' with that big knife in the fire pit there, son?" "He won't talk to you, Dad. He's holding his breath again." "Does this have something to do with my not letting you marry Jeannie?" "Dad, it's not Jeannie. Jeannie isn't even Egyptian." "But she has the little hat!" "I know. But she's white and it's called a fez, Dad. It doesn't mean she's Egyptian.")

This is where all of the trouble came from: The guy was "...from a prominent family in the southern Egyptian province of Qena, one of Egypt's poorest and most conservative areas that is also home to the famed ancient Egyptian ruins of Luxor." Again, why we need to know which Egyptian ruins are in his neighborhood is beyond me. But now we know. And the reason it was a problem for him, a prominent fellow, to be carnally mixing with a commoner is that "Traditionally, marriages in these conservative part of southern Egypt are between similar social classes and often within the same extended families - and are rarely for love." Aww.

While I can understand his frustration, I still think he was being a bit drastic in the schlong severing. Perhaps he was seeing it as a noble deed, but I don't know that many others are going to see it quite that way. And really, even if the object of his affection did see it as noble, would she even want to marry him after an incident like that? Pretty much, he's proven himself to be a tad bit on the unstable side, not to mention a large bit on the don't-have-a-penis-anymore side. Crazy is not a character trait that many women look for in a potential mate. I'm just saying.

Maybe he hoped it would cure his lustful desires for the girl. I don't think it works that way, though. Oh, sure, I would have thought it worked that way earlier in my life. But somehow, I've come to realize that it's not just about all of the fornicating, enjoyable as it is! His loins might not be burning with love anymore (they'll be burning with antiseptic for a while, though), but his head will still be in love with her. And unless he wants to cut that off as well, he's still going to feel the same way. Only this time, he'll feel that way without a penis.

Huh. Yeah, there really was no way to spin this so that it had a jovial ending. He's screwed. Not literally, of course. That's impossible at this point.

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No Hard Feelings

All I have to say is, in these troubled times, God bless the New York Post guys. All right, that's not all I have to say. But it's a good start considering that we're almost to the 16 year anniversary of the night when a one Lorena Bobbitt, described by the NY Post as an "unrepentant amateur surgeon", severed her then-husband John Wayne Bobbitt's manhood with a large kitchen knife. Time flies, don't it?

Lorena the Lopper (that's what I call her) was 24 at the time. Clearly old enough to know better. No one wants their manhood de-manned, as it were. Even those of us without manhood don't want it de-manned. Was that really necessary?

According to her, the schlong slicing was provoked after he had returned home extremely drunk after a night of partying and then did proceed to rape her. In which case the real tragedy here is that she didn't cut the whole damn thing off and throw in the the garbage disposal.

She recalls, "I remember driving with his severed penis in my hand, and in my other hand, I had the knife." Yep. That sounds exactly like something that someone would absolutely remember! It would definitely be hard to forget having...that in your hand and there not being a man attached to it at the time.

She doesn't remember everything though because she says, "I didn't even know how I got into the car, and apparently, I had to toss it somewhere because I couldn't turn the wheel of my car, so I got rid of the thing . . . Then I learned at the hospital later on that it was his penis." I guess she felt the need to hang onto that thing personally, thus all of the difficulty with the turning and such. You'd think that she could just throw it in the glove box or strap it into the seat next to her (Buckle up! Click it or ticket!). But wait, that couldn't have been the problem because she threw it out the window (in what must have been seen as the ultimate act of disrespect. Next to the penis severing itself, of course)..

But hey, time heals all wounds, right? Well, some. The separated unit was reunited with it's rightful owner and successfully reattached (though it did appear to have a 'knuckle' afterwards. Eww. Allegedly.). And according to an archived article over there at The New York Times "Mr. Bobbitt is one of only half a dozen Americans known to have had a severed penis successfully reattached. (One Wisconsin man who lost his in a 1989 lawn-mower accident had it grafted onto his forearm as a kind of stopgap measure until it could be returned to its rightful place.)" Holycrapholycrapholycrap!!! WHAT?!?!

Grafted to his forearm?? Lawnmower accident?! How in the hell does one have a lawnmower accident that involves one's penis? That is not an approved 'manscaping' method, I'm fairly certain of that! And the guy had it grafted (which, until it's un-grafted is rather permanent) to his forearm?! Not his upper-arm, where it would be easy to conceal! Oh, no! No, they had to stick it directly on the forearm so it would be incredibly hard to miss! Might as just as well have put it on his forehead! What year was this 1687? What?! 1989?? Clearly a bad year to have your schlong shlopped off. I've heard of scientists growing things like ears on the backs of mice, which is also quite strange, I'm not trying to imply that it isn't! But having your groin-age on your forearm is just beyond my ability to comprehend. That's mainly because a) I don't even have one and b) even if I did, I couldn't imagine having it attached to my arm. And since guys love the thing so much, that would be the epitome of wearing one's heart on one's sleeve, wouldn't it? I think it would.

OK, so now that's all I can think about! Back on track! Back. On. Track. So, she throws it out the window (of her Mercury Capri. Yes. A news article felt the need to include the kind of car that she drove off in with the severed unit still in her hand. Why that has any relevance at all is beyond me. Now if she had fled the scene in the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile, that might have had some relevance in a strange, rather ironic way, but relevant none the less.), but I haven't been able to find how it was found!

Can you imagine? You're walking out of the 7-11 with your twelve pack of Schlitz or PBR (Oh, what?! Like they're not a little white trash-y? Puh-lease. Mercury Capri? Severed penis? It all just screams 'white trash'. Well, Mr. Bobbitt just screamed.) and you're about to jump in through the driver's side window of your car and...."Hey.....What's that over there?" But then what? You whip out a Ziploc bag and toss it in? I don't get that and it wasn't explained very well anywhere either. (Damn mainstream media. At least now I have a time frame as to when things started going downhill for the press. "Mainstream Media: Sucking since at least 1994!")

Both of these lunatics were charged with crimes; him with marital sexual assault and her with malicious wounding, an understatement if there ever was one. And just to add to all of the wackiness, both of these lunatics were found not guilty; he was found just plain ol' 'not guilty', but she was found 'not guilty by reason of temporary insanity' and spent 45 days being evaluated in a psychiatric facility. She was released after 45 days, reaffirming the 'temporary' part of that verdict.

So why all of the Bobbitt hoopla? Because they are "re-uniting" for the first time since the unfortunate incident on the TV-show The Insider, of course. The Insider is billing it as the "Shocking Bobbitt Reunion" which doesn't show nearly the creativity of the folks over there at The NY Post, that's for sure. They could have gone with "The tension is so thick between the Bobbitts that you could cut it with a knife, on the next episode of The Insider." Or "Does time really heal old wounds? Find out on the next...." You get the point. The Insider clearly did not. Shocking? She didn't Taser his grundle, why use the word 'shocking'. These folks are obviously dysfunctional (probably in more ways than one in his case). Who would be 'shocked' (just shocked!) that they would agree to do an 'interview', most likely for a fee, together? No one. No one at all.

The clips that they're running to 'entice viewers' have a shot that is a close-up of Lorena as she looks into the camera and deadpans, "I severed my husband's manhood." Yeah, yeah. We know. Shouldn't you have gone away by now? Seems like you should have. Yet you're still here and you're talking! Odd. Very odd.

I was trying to decide whether or not to include a pic of the actual severed unit. They showed it in court! But this isn't court. Far from. Granted, I'm judgmental, but that doesn't make it court. Anyway, if you feel the urge (or have the hiccups and would like to try scaring them away) you can click here and you'll be whisked away to a full color photo of the wayward unit. Lucky you! And you only had to wait sixteen years to see it! Not bad! The photo, however, kind of is. Bad that is. Men, I wouldn't recommend it. You've been warned.

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Stabby Joe and Stabby Jane Go To New Mexico

They've had a hell of a time over there in New Mexico lately. I'll start with this happy couple: Picture this: You're at home, you and your beloved (or been loved, either one is fine), just hanging out, watching some porn...you know, typical evening in Albuquerque. As the movie continues, you start getting this deja vu sort of feeling. It's almost like you've seen this one already (it wouldn't be impossible. It's not like you've never seen porn before.), but you're pretty sure you haven't. Or have you? Why does all of this seem so familiar? (Well, everything but that copy machine. Oh, wait. It's a Konica? Never mind.) Even the copy machine seems familiar. But that's not it. It's not office equipment that's the problem. Oh! Wait! That's it! The guy. It's the guy in the porno that you're familiar with. Right! Because he's sitting next to you on the couch right now! I KNEW I knew him from somewhere! Wait. What?

20-year old Amanda Moya was watching porn with her boyfriend when she recognized the actor in the film as him. So, she of course did the next natural thing. She grabbed a knife and went after him. Of course she did. That's when the guy did the next natural thing. He grabbed his cell phone and ran, dialing 911 as he avoided the knife as she repeatedly tried to stab him. Seems reasonable. The running. The stabbing? Well, kind of...but, keep reading. You'll catch on.

Now dude is running down the road wearing only boxer shorts and talking to the 911 operator as he runs. "She almost shanked me and everything. She put the knife right under my throat," he said. (Is he British? Fresh out of prison? Shanked?) And it's a good thing he called 911 because the operator's advice to him was to "keep running" and to "try to get inside a store". (Preferably one that doesn't allow crazed women with knives who are hunting down their alleged porn actor boyfriend. Stores that like ARE plentiful, they just don't advertise publicly. It's an assumed service.) The guy ended up flagging down a deputy that was nearby. He said that she did manage to "stab him in the face" and "bite him on the chest". (She bit the chest and stabbed the face? That seems like it should be the other way around, doesn't it?) Moya was arrested and charged with aggravated assault and aggravated battery. But the best part? You got it.

It wasn't him.

That's right. Not him. She thought it was her boyfriend, but as it turns out, it wasn't. I guess it just looked like him. Or parts of the actor looked like her boyfriend. I don't know which it was. (There really weren't those kind of details.) Naturally, alcohol may have been involved in the attempted battering and attempted assaulting of her non-porn star boyfriend. Yep, that seems about right. And she also was charged with child abuse because when she ran out of the house to chase and with the intent to eventually stab repeatedly her scantily clad, mistakenly identified, live sex actor boyfriend she left her 8-month old baby in the house alone. (Well, not totally alone. There was the porn to keep him company.)

But there's even more crazy crime spree-ness in New Mexico. This time, we're going to hop on over to Santa Fe where a Paul Rodriguez tried to leave a Sam's Club store with two bottles of expensive tequila shoved down his pants. (Expensive tequila? At Sam's Club? Who knew?) So the employees catch him doing this and they've got him detained while they wait for the cops to get there. Naturally, Mr. Rodriguez did what you would expect from a grown man who was just caught with two bottles of tequila in his pants at a Sam's Club. That's right, he took his cane, opened the cane's neck to reveal the 28 inch sword and held the employee at knifepoint as he threatened to use it before he fled. But don't worry, he kept his word and used his cane-sword to slash the torso of another employee as he took off.

Now the man might think he's adept at the ol' slash and flee, but he wasn't. He tripped and fell in the parking lot, hitting his head on the pavement which caused him to bleed. He was still bleeding as he got into a friend's car and told her to drive. The woman, who clearly was of above average intelligence, "sensed that something wasn't right" and told him to get out. That's when the police caught up with him.

This guy is like the Macgyver of the White Trash Ninja Crime World. Although I will say that I am impressed with the dual purpose of the walking assistance device slash medieval weaponry. I mean, it's a cane that's also a sword! That's brilliant! (I'm guessing it was inspired by the famous pirates of yore. A lot of pirates only had that one wooden leg to hobble around on while in the middle of their sword fight on the plank of the ship. That's some inspirational material right there. I think.) Where does one get one of those? Oh, right. Sam's Club.

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