Attention, Some Of You Walmart Shoppers

Unclench your underwear, America. The case of the weird, racial, overhead announcement at the Walmart in New Jersey has been solved. Now, in case you didn't follow the story last week, here's the scoop:

A bunch of people were shopping at a Walmart in New Jersey. (Yes, pretty much a dream come true, hanging out at the New Jersey Walmart. May I continue?) At some point, someone gets on the intercom and says, "Attention, Walmart customers. All black people, leave the store now." Ooh. Awkward.

As you can imagine, the silence in the store likely made it the most quiet that the store had ever been. As you can also imagine, black patrons shopping at the store were far from amused. Don't get me wrong. I'm pretty sure that the white folks weren't all that amused either. But the black folks were justifiably a little irritated by the whole thing. Really? Irritated. In what way?

According to an article over at Yahoo! Finance (why it's in the Finance section is a little unclear to me, but the article seems accurate, so I'm going with it), immediately after this odd announcement was made "...a manager quickly got on the public-address system and apologized for the remark." None the less, a rather angry mob (sans pitchforks and torches, as they were all being used for health care protests) gathered and was essentially saying things to the effect of "We need to know if this is the sort of thing that Walmart tolerates." Now, even though I know how this story ends, even if I didn't know, I'd go on ahead and guess that it is not the sort of thing that's tolerated. Call it a hunch. Call it my ability to put my finger right on the pulse of corporate America. Call it what you will. But I'd go ahead and guess that it's not OK with them.

And it wasn't. See, at this particular Walmart, all of the intercom commands were on a list right there next to the intercom. And apparently, the intercom was in an area where it is able to be accessed by not only employees, but rogue patrons with odd senses of humor as well. All someone would have to do would be to walk up to it, punch in the appropriate keys (say star-one-star) and then announce to the entire store "Attention, Walmart shoppers. Human kidneys are now on sale for half off in Sporting Goods." Never mind why a kidney is considered a sporting good in this scenario. The point is that it could happen just like that. And that is pretty much where my sympathy or whatever it is for this story ends because after this point, things just get a little too histrionic for me.

See, a 16-year old (who is pretty clearly an a-hole) was later arrested for doing this. He was charged with was charged with harassment and bias intimidation. The New York Daily News reported that "Authorities said it was unclear if the announcement was ad-libbed or premeditated and said they were investigating a second youth who accompanied the arrested teen to the store." Wait. What now?

They're unclear as to whether he thought of it right then or if he had planned this out? Is this a death penalty case? Why in the world would that make a difference? ("So...did you plan ahead of time to be this much of a jackass, or did it just hid you all of a sudden as you were looking at that Ninetendo Wii?") And what are they going to investigate the second youth for? He didn't do anything (from what I can tell). Can they charge him with "Being in the company of an a-hole"? "Accompanying an a-hole to a retail establishment?" I don't think that they can. In fact, I'm pretty sure they can't. Investigate away. Let me know how that turns out. Or don't.

Then I read that Yahoo! News reported that "Officials say several people have come forward and expressed interest in getting counseling." Translation: Several people are thinking about suing because they want the money, not because they needed counseling over a rogue statement made over a Walmart PA system by an errant 16-year old. Who are you people that you would need counseling after hearing that? If you need actual counseling by an actual counselor, I'm going to suggest that the next time you're in Walmart (if you can get over your obvious PTSD) that you buy yourself some sort of a helmet or headgear to protect that soft, soft dome of yours. Good Lord....

Seriously, some of you folks need to get over yourselves. Folks, for example, like a one Sheila Ellington, a storegoer at the time of the incident. She said, "I want to know why such statements are being made, because it flies in the face of what we teach our children about tolerance for all...If this was meant to be a prank, there's only one person laughing, and it's not either one of us." I don't know what she means by she wants to know why those statements are being made. It's as if she thinks that they were sanctioned by Walmart. And again, I'm going to have to say that I'm pretty sure that they weren't. Pretty sure. (What size is her head?)

Really, I understand why this sort of a thing would be upsetting to black folks who were shopping at the time. It's upsetting to white folks who were shopping at the time. It's upsetting to black and white folks who were not shopping at the time. But to be saying that you need counseling is ridiculous and to be asking questions like, "We need to know if this is the sort of thing that Walmart tolerates" is about one of the most ridiculous questions that you could possibly ask in this sort of situation. First of all, what do you think they're going to say? "Oh, sure. We tolerate this. No problem. Stop by next week on Nazi Tuesday for the full extent of what we'll tolerate." I don't think that's going to happen.

Seriously. According to the article, "Officials for Wal-Mart Stores Inc said the announcement was 'unacceptable'." Really? Oh! So, it's NOT acceptable to get on a PA system and tell all black people to leave the store? Look, if you're the sort of person who needs Walmart to SAY that it's unacceptable, now you know! They've said it's unacceptable. Are you happy now? Again, what else would they say?

My point here is that some things that happen are just that. They're things that happen. They don't have to have a deeper meaning other than someone is an a-hole. Actually, a lot of the time, that's the most obvious meaning of a lot of things. But you know what it was about this whole incident that I think surprised me the most? Have you ever been in a Walmart or any large store when there's an announcement made over the PA system? You can't understand a word that they're saying most of the time! It sounds like someone with marbles in their mouth is gasping for air. That anyone could understand the little jerk at all might really be the story here.

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Wacko's Backo

If it has to do with Michael Jackson, you're assured one thing: It's going to be odd. If it's Michael himself who's doing whatever the "thing" is, you're assured it's going to be very odd. And his press conference in London on Thursday did not stray from either of those assertions.

Michael must be pretty darned broke because he's going to give 10 concert performances in London beginning in July. He showed up to make the announcement an hour and a half late (is there anyone who didn't think he'd be late? Come on, anyone?) and spoke for a grand total of three minutes if that. And I swear to you, I listened to it and I'd swear it was shorter than that, so three minutes is definitely being generous.

First, his speech/announcement. Um, well.....it wasn't the Gettysburg Address, I'll tell you that much. It's a good thing he won't be ad-libbing his songs that he performs because the concert would be very, very short and an unmitigated disaster. (And I'm not saying that because he won't be ad-libbing it won't be an unmitigated disaster, because the odds on that are probably about 50-50, wouldn't you say?) Yeah, he might be (or have been) one of the world's most talented singers, but he is definitely not the world's best public speaker. Or speaker. Behold!

"I love you so much.

This will be it. When I say this is it, it really means this is it."
I'll be performing the songs my fans want to hear. This is the final curtain call."

These will be my final show performances in London.

This will be....This is it and when I say this is it, it means this is it. Because, um,

I'll be...! I'll be performing the songs my fans want to hear.

This is it. I mean, this is it. This is the final, this is the final, the final curtain call. OK?

And, um, I'll see you.

In July! And....

I love you. I really do. You have to know that. I love you so much. From the bottom of my heart.

This is it. And see you in July."

Think I'm kidding about that? Video below. Be sure to pay attention at the end and not miss the poorly executed, "should-have-thought-that-through-longer" dance move he attempts to do in a less than commendable attempt to have folks believe that he's the same Michael that he was when Thriller was released. (Spoiler alert: He's not.)

Man, instead of the "This Is It" tour, he should consider naming it "The Strange Ranger Rides Again". What the hell was that?! Apparently, before he took the stage, he leaned into the presenter, a one Dermot O'Leary, and said something to him. When asked what was said, O'Leary replied, "He just asked me 'Is there an autocue?' " OK, so that might explain a bit of the repetiveness at the beginning. And the end. And that little part there in the middle. He couldn't remember what in the heck he was supposed to say. Good luck with your song lyrics there, Jacko. "Billie Jean is not my...not my....she's not something.....friend, no.....hairstylist, no....that's not....Billie Jean is not my.....not....Billie Jean....Billie Jean...." Oh, the humanity.

He didn't look too bad for someone who doesn't have a human head. But I can chalk his being an hour and a half late to him needing extra time to put on a face that won't send children and adults alike running away as they scream for their mothers. Let's look at some close-up photos of MJ, just to see what someone who is truly sad on the inside looks like on the outside.

Here we have a close-up of Michael where it is evident how most of his lips are just painted on. That cleft in his chin seems extraordinarily deep.

Just for the sake of comparison, I Photoshopped away the parts of the lips that were just painted on. Granted, I'm not the best Photoshopper, but I'm adequate. And when you zoom in to those lips, it gets tough to see where they actually begin and where they actually end. In fact, on the right hand side of the photo (which would be his left), he looks like he's missing quite a bit of lip. It almost looks as if he's covering up a huge scar, but that's just pure speculation on my part. Look for yourself.

Yikes. It's like when you first see someone without their mustache. It doesn't look real. But I'm not so sure that there's any part of his face that is real. I'm betting there's Super Glue involved in one way or another.

Here's a slight side view. His face looks like it is all putty and just plastered on with a putty knife. But look at the tip of his nose. That coloring around the nostrils and the tip is not a shadow. That's what color it is. Does he have to attach his nose before he goes out? He might. It was definitely disappearing there for a while.

In the photo below, I thought, "What's up with his hand? It's like a man-hand." Hey, I just wouldn't have expected Michael Jackson to have man-hands, all right? But then I saw this picture of his other hand and I thought, "Where's his freaking thumb?!" Behold!

That's not a normal hand. That's like a prosthesis gone bad. Look at both of his hands together in the pic below.

Yeah, those are the hands of two different people, neither of whom are Michael Jackson. What's the deal, seriously?

And I've read quite a few articles about this 'press conference' and a fair number of them seem to reference his outfit as a "military style jacket". In what the hell kind of military are they wearing this?

The comeback concert seems to be working well for a one Britney Spears. I can only hope that it goes as well for Jacko. Psst! If you're not an hour and a half late, people will like your concert better! Just a thought.

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