Press Corps Not Invited To Next Birthday Party

Yesterday was President Barry's 48th birthday and I'm sure that the people in his homeland over there in Kenya were celebrating until all hours! Oh, I kid! I kid! He's not a Muslim! What? Oh, right! Different wingnuts. Different Obama Conspiracy Theory. Sorry. He was born in the United States! I know there are those of you out there who love a good conspiracy theory, but you're going to have to look elsewhere for one this time. He's not a Kenyan!

So how'd his birthday go you ask? Depends on how you look at it. If your idea of a good time is spending your birthday with an 89-year old woman who shares the same birthday, then it was probably splendid. If your idea of a good time is NOT spending your birthday with that same 89-year old woman, then it probably wasn't all that great for President Barry. But I think it's the former, rather than the latter, this case. He was the one that initiated the joint celebration after all!


The 89-year old woman who is President Barry's Birthday Buddy is a one Helen Thomas. And nothing personal, but Helen Thomas is not exactly a robust looking 89-years old. She looks like she's been around since the Johnson Administration. What's that? She HAS?!?! Both a columnist and veteran news service correspondent Ms. Thomas was the first female bureau chief for a wire service and has been a member of the White House press corps since Abraham LincolnJohn F. Kennedy was in office.

While just looking at her scares the holy bejeezus out of me, she might be the only hope that real journalism and reporting has left. Her perspective? "We in the press have a special role since there is no other institution in our society that can hold the President accountable. I do believe that our democracy can endure and prevail only if the American people are informed." For that, she gets a pass for that red nail polish. That's all, though. There's too much good material to come out of her antics for me to let much more than that slide. By the way, her birthday wishes, according to the AP, were "world peace, no prejudice and a real health care reform bill." 89 years old and that's what you want, eh? All right. I guess.

The video below shows President Barry walking into the press briefing room with a plate of cupcakes for Ms. Thomas. I have to say that I think I physically cringed when listening to the reactions of the members of the press (and I use the term "the press" extremely loosely) when President Barry emerged. First you hear a distinctly audible, "Oh my God!" from some dude who sounds like one of the world's biggest brown nosers. Dude, would you please take your nose out of President Barry's arse. It's highly unbecoming of an adult. Really.

They just did not know what to do with themselves. When they first realized who it was, there was a long and revered chorus of "Ohhhhh....!!!" It was as if they had just been shown a new washer and dryer on The Price Is Right. Ooohhh!!! Aaahhhh!!! You have the guys getting video yelling at the guys taking still pics to "Get down!" "Down!" (And to my surprise, they got down! Very obedient, those still photographers are.) Then the dumbasses are just shouting out any question that they possibly can, some trying to get their question in whilst President Barry is singing "Happy Birthday". I'm pretty sure that it's the same dude who exclaimed the "Oh my God!" that was yelling (in a highly obnoxious voice that sounds surprisingly similar to that of Ralph Kramden) "Happy Birthday Mister President!" It took him about three tries to complete the entire sentence, but since he's the only one you can hear, it was really annoying.

Right as the song is wrapping up, the dude in the front row with the white shirt says loudly, "This is because...this is because you LOVE her questions!" Um, NO. You jackass. It's because it's her, follow me here, her birthday and it just happens to be on the same day that the President's birthday is. I'll take this opportunity to remind you that these are members of the press who are acting like the screaming throngs of German fans at a David Hasselhoff concert.

Some dude in the back yells, "Faster!" right around the 0:31 mark. Faster than what? Do you have some place to go? If so then, by all means, please...leave! Right around the 1:01 mark you have Ralph Kramden yelling again at President Barry, "Happy Birthday to YOU!" :::: sigh :::: What paper does he work for so that I can make sure I never read it. Somewhere around the 1:20 mark, President Barry tells the press pool what Helen Thomas wished for. "She and I also had a common birthday wish. She said she hoped for a real health-care reform bill." Of course, something that witty is worthy of loud and forced guffawing from the gaggle of journalists. (Ever noticed how it is as if every little joke or quip that President Barry makes has the members of the press in pronounced and prolonged laughter. I'd like to see him tell a simple Knock-Knock joke just so I can see how long the press will laugh. Easily over 30 seconds if you let them keep making asses out of themselves. Look how happy they all are with their own act in the photo below. It's pathetic is what it is.)

After the remark about health care, amidst the uncontrollable laughter, one crack reporter shouts out, "Single-payer?" (Aren't you funny.) Another one states, "Define real." Again, another top notch reporter that we count on to ask the important questions in order to get the whole story. Brilliant. Is that the best you guys can come up with?

As he's ready to leave, you can hear more than one reporter asking him about North Korea. You know, I don't know if a plate of cupcakes is really the most appropriate sugary baked good to bring to an impromptu discussion about the Eastern Communist regime, but nice try! And leave it to Ralph Kramden to shout out, "Everybody God blesses you" or something to that effect. (Seriously, who let that guy in?) And finally, as he's making his exit, one reporter who is barely able to contain her giddiness and laughter, asks, "Did anybody call and sing you "Happy Birthday" today?" Good Lord, ma'am.....

See, it's things like this that make it really clear why the Taser was invented. They really should look into whether or not they can keep one of those up there at the podium during these press conferences or briefings or birthday greetings for an octogenarian reporter. Step out of line? Tase. Stupid, stupid questions? Tase. Laughing just a bit too long? Tase, tase and tase some more.

Look at these guys as President Barry scurries out of there (and none too soon, I imagine). Over there under Arrow Number One we have....is that Ponch from CHiPs? Under Arrow Number Two, those guys look like they're not very happy with Ponch. And Under Arrow Number Three, those young women with the low cut shirts are wondering if they're too far away to flash "the Girls" for President Barry. Ladies and gentlemen, YOUR American journalists!

We're SO doomed.

Combine those dips with "the Birthers" and I'm sure that had to have made for a grand way to turn 48! After all, if you're going to listen to the Birthers then you're going to believe that 48 years ago yesterday is when the whole conspiracy began and the birth certificate documents were doctored and hidden so that a couple of non-politically connected folks could implement their master plan to have a foreign born male get elected President of the United States. Sure it did. And I'm the Queen of ALL of England!

I know that Birthers think that the whole thing could be resolved if President Barry would just release the long copy (whatever they think that means) of his birth certificate which would erase any doubt (even though there shouldn't be any) as to whether or not he was born in the United States (he was. He was. HE WAS!!!). I just want to point out a couple of things that those folks (ie, the softheaded morons in need of industrial strength helmets) should really think about as they consider their "he's a foreigner" theory.

Do you know who really, really, really wanted to become President of the United States really, really, really badly? Hillary. BELIEVE me when I say that if there was ANYTHING to this notion that President Barry was born in Kenya, Hillary and her crew would have found it. They would have worked non-stop and around the clock until they were all passing out from starvation and dehydration (because in my head, Hillary doesn't feed or hydrate her staff due to, you know, her lack of a human soul) to try to prove that he was born in a far away land. If it was there, Hillary would have found it. Got it? OK then. One more thing.....

Do you know why President Barry hasn't released the "long form birth certificate" or whatever it is that you people want him to release? He hasn't released it because you folks sound like nutjobs. You really do. All of your convoluted and hypothetical theories about what happened and when it happened and why it is like this? They ALL sound crazy. EVERY time I have heard a Birther talk about this subject, they come across as crazed and mentally unstable individuals. (They're also quite shout-y.) The majority of the vocal Birthers are what? Republicans, that is correct. And since this is such a soft headed nation right now, if I wanted to add to my edge of being re-elected as President, I'd just let the Birthers keep right on talking. Sure, it's annoying, but when it comes down to voting for the currently serving Democratic Party President or voting for the challenging Republican member whose party constituents are seen as stark raving lunatics on MSNBC talk shows, who do you think is going to win that race? Here's a hint: NOT the stark raving lunatic party. So keep it up. You guys seem to be doing a fabulous job of painting all members of the Republican Party as crackpots. That should really help in 2012. Sure. Let me know how that goes, would you? Thanks.

Happy Birthday, President Barry. I'm sorry you had to spend it in a village surrounded by its idiots.

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It's Now News, But It's All They've Got

I am aware that there is turmoil swirling about the planet at the moment, but you might want to (I can't believe I'm saying this) turn to Twitter or something equally as unthinkable if you're looking for news updates on just about anything. And when I say "news updates" I mean just that. Updates on the news. Hence the term! It was bad enough that CNN was leading with the story about how some people were caught off guard by the transition from analog TV signals to digital TV signals. And the story was not about what you'd expect it to be about and that would be that anyone who did NOT know that change over was occurring (even though it's been shouted to the general public for SEVEN years) is such a complete moron they really shouldn't even attempt to get themselves upright each day. That's what that story should have been about. But no, CNN went with the "they're unable to watch TV" with the general tone being that of general grief and sorrow. You know, the 'something horrible has just happened' voice/tone which gets used most often when something horrible has not happened. But the media is taking it to a whole new level now.

"Now" being the time in which President Barry is our President. First of all, am I the only one that has noticed that as soon as it was clear that he had won the election, suddenly he is our "first black President". The half of him that is white? Gone! Vanished! Disappeared faster than John McCain! (Too bad it didn't pattern itself after Sarah Palin, otherwise President Barry's whiteness would still be in the news...for some inexplicable reason.) He's half white! And yes, that's still how I refer to him. Our first half white President. It doesn't go over well, but I find it hil-arious every time I get to throw it into an appropriate conversation.

Phil Bronstein, the ex-Mr. Sharon Stone and Executive VP and Editor-

at-Large (whatever the heck that is) of the San Francisco Chronicle, wrote a piece titled "Love or Lust, Obama and the Fawning Press Need to Get a Room" which basically states that the press is acting more like President Barry's fan club than the neutral reporters that they are supposed to be. This is coming from a guy who is the VP of the SF Chronicle. The Chronicle doesn't report with what I would consider to be a conservative point of view. No, they're skewed just "a bit liberal", but in the same way that San Francisco is "a bit gay", which is to say very. So if the media guys on the left are noticing (and complaining!) that the press is just a little bit too chummy with President Barry, it really must be over the top (and San Francisco folks in general have a pretty high tolerance in a lot of cases for what qualifies as 'over the top'.).

You can read his article over yonder there at The Huffington Post. Whilst I was perusing it, I ran across the clip below from what Bronstein called "Living Large With the Top Dog" (and he wasn't referring to Bo). In the clip, President Barry is having a little sit down with Brian Williams from NBC. Let's just think about all of the things in an exclusive interview that a reporter/interviewer or Brian Williams could ask the President of the United States. The economy. Unemployment. Foreclosures. Oil prices. The environment. North Korea. Hurricane Katrina. (I just threw that one in there to get ya all good and steamy! I'm so sick of hearing about Katrina. It was four years ago! Pipe down and move on!!) And I didn't see the whole thing, so maybe he did cover some of those topics, but that's not shown in the clip.

The clip has Brian Williams asking the President of the United States the following:

"I couldn't help but notice your trip this week coincides with Conan O'Brien's first week on the air. Is it because of that or...were there considerations, perhaps, that you almost cancelled to stay and watch his first week of hosting 'The Tonight Show'?"

Three. Two. One. You may now bash your head against the nearest solid surface. But don't pass out ! There's more! President Barry had to respond!

"Well, I think that, uh (pause), um (pause), Conan will do an outstanding job. Look, this is something that we've discussed several times in the Oval Office. How to manage this transition between uh, Leno and, uh, and Conan. And, uh, I think he's up to the task. But, uh, um, I just want him to know that there's not going to be any bailout coming out from Washington (pause) if he screws it up."

Are you effing

kidding me? Look, I'm all for laid back. I want the President of the United States to be relaxed. But doing a bit that plugs the new host of The Tonight Show? Don't we have actors for that sort of thing? Borat? Carrot Top? Why would you agree to that if you are Brian Williams? You're supposed to be a reporter/journalist. Would you rather work for Entertainment Tonight or The Insider? Maybe next time Pat O'Brien ends up in rehab you can snag a guest hosting gig until he sobers up. What is wrong with you, sir?

Could it get worse? It DID. President Barry did an interview yesterday with John Harwood of CNBC. What was the headline the AP ran with? That's right. "Obama Kills Fly During Interview." Oh, for cryin' out loud. WHAT?!

He's the President of the United States!! What is wrong with people?! He killed a fly?? Are you actually telling me that he killed a fly?? Why are you telling me that?? Is that what the AP actually considers "news"? They must! They have it filed under "National News" and "Political News". What? Not "Entomology News"? Not "Pesky Pest News"? Not "Fly-o-cide"?? Come on! Cover all of the bases! Make yourselves look like complete jackasses!

"President Barack Obama, nettled by a fly during a TV interview at the White House, took matters into his own hands Tuesday." Oh, God. Make it stop.

"Said Obama to the persistent fly: "Get out of here."
But it didn't." Seriously. Is this an opening for a children's book?

"So Obama waited for the fly to settle, put his hand up and then smacked the fly dead in one try.Without missing a beat, the president said to CNBC correspondent John Harwood: "Now, where were we?"

Hold on! Not so fast! We need more explanation as to exactly how it was that he swatted that fly. After all, I don't think hardly anyone in America has ever had to swat their own fly like that. OH, we've tried! Believe me! But we're not President Barry "The Messiah" Obama.

"Well, maybe one more second to gloat. Said Obama: "That was pretty impressive, wasn't it? I got the sucker." No wonder the press thinks he's so freaking great. HE thinks he's pretty great himself. It was a FLY! What? Do you want a cookie?!

"The camera crew was still rolling in the East Room. Obama didn't mind. He pointed to the vanquished insect on the ground and said, "You want to film that?"

CNBC did. That fly is history." And so are we. Goodbye, sweet America. Goodbye.

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Wacko's Backo

If it has to do with Michael Jackson, you're assured one thing: It's going to be odd. If it's Michael himself who's doing whatever the "thing" is, you're assured it's going to be very odd. And his press conference in London on Thursday did not stray from either of those assertions.

Michael must be pretty darned broke because he's going to give 10 concert performances in London beginning in July. He showed up to make the announcement an hour and a half late (is there anyone who didn't think he'd be late? Come on, anyone?) and spoke for a grand total of three minutes if that. And I swear to you, I listened to it and I'd swear it was shorter than that, so three minutes is definitely being generous.

First, his speech/announcement. Um, well.....it wasn't the Gettysburg Address, I'll tell you that much. It's a good thing he won't be ad-libbing his songs that he performs because the concert would be very, very short and an unmitigated disaster. (And I'm not saying that because he won't be ad-libbing it won't be an unmitigated disaster, because the odds on that are probably about 50-50, wouldn't you say?) Yeah, he might be (or have been) one of the world's most talented singers, but he is definitely not the world's best public speaker. Or speaker. Behold!

"I love you so much.

This will be it. When I say this is it, it really means this is it."
I'll be performing the songs my fans want to hear. This is the final curtain call."

These will be my final show performances in London.

This will be....This is it and when I say this is it, it means this is it. Because, um,

I'll be...! I'll be performing the songs my fans want to hear.

This is it. I mean, this is it. This is the final, this is the final, the final curtain call. OK?

And, um, I'll see you.

In July! And....

I love you. I really do. You have to know that. I love you so much. From the bottom of my heart.

This is it. And see you in July."

Think I'm kidding about that? Video below. Be sure to pay attention at the end and not miss the poorly executed, "should-have-thought-that-through-longer" dance move he attempts to do in a less than commendable attempt to have folks believe that he's the same Michael that he was when Thriller was released. (Spoiler alert: He's not.)

Man, instead of the "This Is It" tour, he should consider naming it "The Strange Ranger Rides Again". What the hell was that?! Apparently, before he took the stage, he leaned into the presenter, a one Dermot O'Leary, and said something to him. When asked what was said, O'Leary replied, "He just asked me 'Is there an autocue?' " OK, so that might explain a bit of the repetiveness at the beginning. And the end. And that little part there in the middle. He couldn't remember what in the heck he was supposed to say. Good luck with your song lyrics there, Jacko. "Billie Jean is not my...not my....she's not something.....friend, no.....hairstylist, no....that's not....Billie Jean is not my.....not....Billie Jean....Billie Jean...." Oh, the humanity.

He didn't look too bad for someone who doesn't have a human head. But I can chalk his being an hour and a half late to him needing extra time to put on a face that won't send children and adults alike running away as they scream for their mothers. Let's look at some close-up photos of MJ, just to see what someone who is truly sad on the inside looks like on the outside.

Here we have a close-up of Michael where it is evident how most of his lips are just painted on. That cleft in his chin seems extraordinarily deep.

Just for the sake of comparison, I Photoshopped away the parts of the lips that were just painted on. Granted, I'm not the best Photoshopper, but I'm adequate. And when you zoom in to those lips, it gets tough to see where they actually begin and where they actually end. In fact, on the right hand side of the photo (which would be his left), he looks like he's missing quite a bit of lip. It almost looks as if he's covering up a huge scar, but that's just pure speculation on my part. Look for yourself.

Yikes. It's like when you first see someone without their mustache. It doesn't look real. But I'm not so sure that there's any part of his face that is real. I'm betting there's Super Glue involved in one way or another.

Here's a slight side view. His face looks like it is all putty and just plastered on with a putty knife. But look at the tip of his nose. That coloring around the nostrils and the tip is not a shadow. That's what color it is. Does he have to attach his nose before he goes out? He might. It was definitely disappearing there for a while.

In the photo below, I thought, "What's up with his hand? It's like a man-hand." Hey, I just wouldn't have expected Michael Jackson to have man-hands, all right? But then I saw this picture of his other hand and I thought, "Where's his freaking thumb?!" Behold!

That's not a normal hand. That's like a prosthesis gone bad. Look at both of his hands together in the pic below.

Yeah, those are the hands of two different people, neither of whom are Michael Jackson. What's the deal, seriously?

And I've read quite a few articles about this 'press conference' and a fair number of them seem to reference his outfit as a "military style jacket". In what the hell kind of military are they wearing this?

The comeback concert seems to be working well for a one Britney Spears. I can only hope that it goes as well for Jacko. Psst! If you're not an hour and a half late, people will like your concert better! Just a thought.

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