Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Press Corps Not Invited To Next Birthday Party

Yesterday was President Barry's 48th birthday and I'm sure that the people in his homeland over there in Kenya were celebrating until all hours! Oh, I kid! I kid! He's not a Muslim! What? Oh, right! Different wingnuts. Different Obama Conspiracy Theory. Sorry. He was born in the United States! I know there are those of you out there who love a good conspiracy theory, but you're going to have to look elsewhere for one this time. He's not a Kenyan!

So how'd his birthday go you ask? Depends on how you look at it. If your idea of a good time is spending your birthday with an 89-year old woman who shares the same birthday, then it was probably splendid. If your idea of a good time is NOT spending your birthday with that same 89-year old woman, then it probably wasn't all that great for President Barry. But I think it's the former, rather than the latter, this case. He was the one that initiated the joint celebration after all!

The 89-year old woman who is President Barry's Birthday Buddy is a one Helen Thomas. And nothing personal, but Helen Thomas is not exactly a robust looking 89-years old. She looks like she's been around since the Johnson Administration. What's that? She HAS?!?! Both a columnist and veteran news service correspondent Ms. Thomas was the first female bureau chief for a wire service and has been a member of the White House press corps since Abraham LincolnJohn F. Kennedy was in office.

While just looking at her scares the holy bejeezus out of me, she might be the only hope that real journalism and reporting has left. Her perspective? "We in the press have a special role since there is no other institution in our society that can hold the President accountable. I do believe that our democracy can endure and prevail only if the American people are informed." For that, she gets a pass for that red nail polish. That's all, though. There's too much good material to come out of her antics for me to let much more than that slide. By the way, her birthday wishes, according to the AP, were "world peace, no prejudice and a real health care reform bill." 89 years old and that's what you want, eh? All right. I guess.

The video below shows President Barry walking into the press briefing room with a plate of cupcakes for Ms. Thomas. I have to say that I think I physically cringed when listening to the reactions of the members of the press (and I use the term "the press" extremely loosely) when President Barry emerged. First you hear a distinctly audible, "Oh my God!" from some dude who sounds like one of the world's biggest brown nosers. Dude, would you please take your nose out of President Barry's arse. It's highly unbecoming of an adult. Really.

They just did not know what to do with themselves. When they first realized who it was, there was a long and revered chorus of "Ohhhhh....!!!" It was as if they had just been shown a new washer and dryer on The Price Is Right. Ooohhh!!! Aaahhhh!!! You have the guys getting video yelling at the guys taking still pics to "Get down!" "Down!" (And to my surprise, they got down! Very obedient, those still photographers are.) Then the dumbasses are just shouting out any question that they possibly can, some trying to get their question in whilst President Barry is singing "Happy Birthday". I'm pretty sure that it's the same dude who exclaimed the "Oh my God!" that was yelling (in a highly obnoxious voice that sounds surprisingly similar to that of Ralph Kramden) "Happy Birthday Mister President!" It took him about three tries to complete the entire sentence, but since he's the only one you can hear, it was really annoying.

Right as the song is wrapping up, the dude in the front row with the white shirt says loudly, "This is because...this is because you LOVE her questions!" Um, NO. You jackass. It's because it's her, follow me here, her birthday and it just happens to be on the same day that the President's birthday is. I'll take this opportunity to remind you that these are members of the press who are acting like the screaming throngs of German fans at a David Hasselhoff concert.

Some dude in the back yells, "Faster!" right around the 0:31 mark. Faster than what? Do you have some place to go? If so then, by all means, please...leave! Right around the 1:01 mark you have Ralph Kramden yelling again at President Barry, "Happy Birthday to YOU!" :::: sigh :::: What paper does he work for so that I can make sure I never read it. Somewhere around the 1:20 mark, President Barry tells the press pool what Helen Thomas wished for. "She and I also had a common birthday wish. She said she hoped for a real health-care reform bill." Of course, something that witty is worthy of loud and forced guffawing from the gaggle of journalists. (Ever noticed how it is as if every little joke or quip that President Barry makes has the members of the press in pronounced and prolonged laughter. I'd like to see him tell a simple Knock-Knock joke just so I can see how long the press will laugh. Easily over 30 seconds if you let them keep making asses out of themselves. Look how happy they all are with their own act in the photo below. It's pathetic is what it is.)

After the remark about health care, amidst the uncontrollable laughter, one crack reporter shouts out, "Single-payer?" (Aren't you funny.) Another one states, "Define real." Again, another top notch reporter that we count on to ask the important questions in order to get the whole story. Brilliant. Is that the best you guys can come up with?

As he's ready to leave, you can hear more than one reporter asking him about North Korea. You know, I don't know if a plate of cupcakes is really the most appropriate sugary baked good to bring to an impromptu discussion about the Eastern Communist regime, but nice try! And leave it to Ralph Kramden to shout out, "Everybody God blesses you" or something to that effect. (Seriously, who let that guy in?) And finally, as he's making his exit, one reporter who is barely able to contain her giddiness and laughter, asks, "Did anybody call and sing you "Happy Birthday" today?" Good Lord, ma'am.....

See, it's things like this that make it really clear why the Taser was invented. They really should look into whether or not they can keep one of those up there at the podium during these press conferences or briefings or birthday greetings for an octogenarian reporter. Step out of line? Tase. Stupid, stupid questions? Tase. Laughing just a bit too long? Tase, tase and tase some more.

Look at these guys as President Barry scurries out of there (and none too soon, I imagine). Over there under Arrow Number One we that Ponch from CHiPs? Under Arrow Number Two, those guys look like they're not very happy with Ponch. And Under Arrow Number Three, those young women with the low cut shirts are wondering if they're too far away to flash "the Girls" for President Barry. Ladies and gentlemen, YOUR American journalists!

We're SO doomed.

Combine those dips with "the Birthers" and I'm sure that had to have made for a grand way to turn 48! After all, if you're going to listen to the Birthers then you're going to believe that 48 years ago yesterday is when the whole conspiracy began and the birth certificate documents were doctored and hidden so that a couple of non-politically connected folks could implement their master plan to have a foreign born male get elected President of the United States. Sure it did. And I'm the Queen of ALL of England!

I know that Birthers think that the whole thing could be resolved if President Barry would just release the long copy (whatever they think that means) of his birth certificate which would erase any doubt (even though there shouldn't be any) as to whether or not he was born in the United States (he was. He was. HE WAS!!!). I just want to point out a couple of things that those folks (ie, the softheaded morons in need of industrial strength helmets) should really think about as they consider their "he's a foreigner" theory.

Do you know who really, really, really wanted to become President of the United States really, really, really badly? Hillary. BELIEVE me when I say that if there was ANYTHING to this notion that President Barry was born in Kenya, Hillary and her crew would have found it. They would have worked non-stop and around the clock until they were all passing out from starvation and dehydration (because in my head, Hillary doesn't feed or hydrate her staff due to, you know, her lack of a human soul) to try to prove that he was born in a far away land. If it was there, Hillary would have found it. Got it? OK then. One more thing.....

Do you know why President Barry hasn't released the "long form birth certificate" or whatever it is that you people want him to release? He hasn't released it because you folks sound like nutjobs. You really do. All of your convoluted and hypothetical theories about what happened and when it happened and why it is like this? They ALL sound crazy. EVERY time I have heard a Birther talk about this subject, they come across as crazed and mentally unstable individuals. (They're also quite shout-y.) The majority of the vocal Birthers are what? Republicans, that is correct. And since this is such a soft headed nation right now, if I wanted to add to my edge of being re-elected as President, I'd just let the Birthers keep right on talking. Sure, it's annoying, but when it comes down to voting for the currently serving Democratic Party President or voting for the challenging Republican member whose party constituents are seen as stark raving lunatics on MSNBC talk shows, who do you think is going to win that race? Here's a hint: NOT the stark raving lunatic party. So keep it up. You guys seem to be doing a fabulous job of painting all members of the Republican Party as crackpots. That should really help in 2012. Sure. Let me know how that goes, would you? Thanks.

Happy Birthday, President Barry. I'm sorry you had to spend it in a village surrounded by its idiots.

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