Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Not the Best Career Path

The most sensible thing to do in life is just to find your niche and go with it. You are, however, going to have to make sure that when applying that principle, you want to make sure that your niche is of a legal bent. That is to say, don't make "habitual criminal" your niche.

Ah, but sadly, that advice came a bit too late for a one 86-year old Ella Orko (pretty name) who was arrested in Cook County, Illinois for shoplifting, according to Chicago Breaking News Again. Actually, that arrest was her THIRD arrest. In FOUR MONTHS! But don't worry! Really. She doesn't have dementia or anything like that. Whew! That's a relief, eh? Yeah, they know it's not dementia because she has 13 convictions on her record. That sounds like a lot, but then when you realize that she's been arrested SIXTY ONE times, it means that she's been convicted of only about 20% of her crimes. See? Now that I put it in perspective for you, it doesn't seem that bad, does it?

Nope. It seems worse.

Ms. (I'm exercising great liberty with that term here and just going with what it says for this one) Orko was first arrested in 1956 for petty larceny. Now, in 1956, you could steal a heck of a lot more than you could today for it to be considered petty larceny. So who knows what she was lifting back then. A cantaloupe? A Studebaker? Many more choices back then I would imagine. But that wasn't good enough for her and she aspired to have more in her life and managed to get herself arrested for grand larceny two years later.

Only two years and already she's made quite the move up the criminal ladder! She's a go-getter all right! And that knack she had for committing the steal-y sort of crimes and getting arrested for said crimes has continued to this very day. If that was her goal, she's extremely goal oriented, as she managed to get herself arrested 61 times since 1956. That's at LEAST once a year. That's also at LEAST once a year too many. It's a wonder they could keep track of all of the arrests, as she's used over FIFTY aliases during her stint as a professional lawbreaker, according to
National Post. That's almost one alias per arrest. Well, she's innovative, I suppose. (What the hell else do you say about an 86-year old woman who has spent her entire life stealing? Innovative, I thought, was KIND.)

Wondering yet what an 86-year old career criminal shoplifter looks like? Of course you are. And far be it from me to disappoint. Behold!

(I swear that's her!) So what does an 86-year old woman need so badly that she must steal it? (And steal it all at once, it would appear.) Well, allegedly she helped herself to: "five packs of salmon, 11 packs of AA batteries, two packs of L’Oreal RevitaLift anti-wrinkle cream, eight boxed jars of Olay face cream and four jars of instant coffee." Hold it! What?!

Five packs of...SALMON, was it? What kind of "packs" of salmon? FIVE? Eleven packages of batteries?! How many remote controls has she stolen does she own! OK, that face cream and stuff? I've learned recently that stuff like that is expensive, and I'm sure that as a lifetime habitual criminal, she doesn't have a lot of cash lying around to splurge with, so that makes sense. (Though if these are the brands that she has BEEN using, I'd suggest trying a different brand. I don't know if those are working all that well. I'm just sayin'!) And listen, if you're going to steal coffee, don't steal instant. Steal yourself a Mr. Coffee and some real coffee and then make yourself a decent cup of joe. Who steals instant? Maybe she didn't have any room left to steal any filters. That must be it.But how was this possible? A one Robert Perez, the police spokesman said Orko "...hid the items in her pants." Wait. What? In her pants? What kind of pants was she wearing? Parachute pants? Made from an actual parachute? Cargo pants? The size of cargo ships? How are you going to fit all of that stuff in your PANTS?! You couldn't, could you? Let's try to imagine this, shall we? Behold!Yeah, see, that just looks silly. Did she really think no one was going to notice her walking out of the store like that? With salmon stuffed in her pants? (I'm really hung up on the salmon for some reason. I don't get that at all.)

Fortunately, this can all be explained away by the police spokesman when he said, "Supposedly, she's a habitual shoplifter." Um, "supposedly"? Arrested 61 times since 1956, used over 50 aliases, been convicted 13 times, yeah, I'd SAY she's a "habitual shoplifter"! When do you have to be back to your post at the Department of the Obvious, sir?

Well, look on the bright side. She IS 86 years old. Perhaps death will make an honest woman of her shortly.

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