Sunday, August 16, 2009

Banking In The Afterlife

You know that whole "A fool and his money are soon parted" saying? Yeah, some days we're reminded of just how true that really is. And thanks to the Internet, we learn of ways that said fool can part with said money SO easily and all from the comfort of the fool's own home and most likely in his underwear! (But he's not in his underwear because he's lazy; he's in his underwear because he can't find his pants. Not real bright, the fool isn't.) Today's aid for the fool with money (how said fool acquired said money, I'm still not completely clear on that one.) from which he is to soon part is an ingenious website called (wait for it)

If you're afraid that it is exactly what it sounds like it is, you're right. It's a bank for your stuff. Your money, your goods, your real estate, and anything else that you have that is worth monetary value needs to be stored in safe keeping in case you die (which, I hate to break it to you, you will someday. Die, that is.). And it needs to be somewhere safe when you die so that nothing will happen to it and it will stay right where you've kept it for just such an occasion. That way it will be ready. Ready for you. When you comeback to Earth after having been reincarnated. Wait. What now?

Correct. It's a bank for your stuff that you're going to want after you've been reincarnated. Duh! Do you want to be reincarnated and start your next life with absolutely nothing?! Of course not! And if you're serious about dying someday (and again, who isn't?) then will make you want to kill yourself if you actually fall for this scam.Whoever it is that came up with this money grabber, is brief and succinct in explaining how the whole dealio works. It begins with "Reincarnation Bank was originally set up for Elliott Trevesk who has now decided to give the banking facility to all believers of reincarnation." A quick Google search for "Elliott Trevesk" will garner you nothing. But I'll give credit for just throwing that name in there without any explanation at all, as if you're already supposed to know about good ol' Elliott!

"Scriptures throughout the ages predict man's reincarnation and rebirth. During the transition period to your next life, 2i Limited is offering safe keeping for any asset you wish to deposit." I'm thinking that they can't REALLY offer me safe keeping for ANY asset. What if I had giant tortoise? They live a long time,right? Are they going to be able to keep my valuable giant tortoise until I return from wherever? I don't think they are. I'm sure that sounds pessimistic (not as pessimistic as doubting the whole "I own a giant tortoise" scenario in the first place, however), but I see no indication that is set up for the long term care of an ancient reptile species. And while it's true that scriptures have long predicted the whole reincarnation thing, as far as I know, scriptures have not verified it quite yet. Maybe they're working on it, I don't really know, but it's the verification that is most important in this scenario.

The question is asked "If you leave nothing purposely behind when you die, then what is there here for you when you return?" Um, yeah, I've got news for whoever wrote that. EVERYTHING that I leave behind will be neither purposely left nor accidentally left. It will just be left. That's how it works. That doesn't change. It doesn't matter if I want it to or not, that's just how it is. So, good try, but no.

And if that didn't reel you in, there's this little nugget to think about: "Begin by believing and just do it. The great end of life is not just knowledge but action so act now and save for your reincarnation." First of all, I'm not really considering the "end of life" especially MY life to be all that "great". The very simple "just do it" seems a bit childish to me. As if that would work for all who are skeptical. "I don't sounds kinda iffy." "OH, come on. Just do it!" "Oh. OH! Oh, my God! I..I...I'm convinced!" So now that you've been convinced, you need to transfer all of your assets to this "holding company" in Gibraltar, right? Right. The website is very informative and gives you bank transfer codes and account numbers to make your deposits into. It also gives an address for you to send all of the non-monetary material assets to be transferred. "Temporary ownership by 2i Limited of deeds, bonds and other tangible assets such as precious metals, jewellery, fine art, vehicles, real estate and other assets must be transferred in their entirety to: 2i Limited Suite 31, 30 – 38 Main Street Gibraltar" Is that really an address? Do they own the whole block? 30 - 38? And just IN Gibraltar? They'll find it? They know who they are? Is that how that works?

Now you've transferred everything and you've just croaked. Suddenly, you're back! You're someone else and you're poor! Now you need to get your stuff back! It's simple. First, they have the audacity to include this at the top of the 'Withdrawals' page: "To prevent cheats and false claims the terms and conditions will apply." Oh, thank God that they're looking out for the cheats! Takes one to know one? Yeah, something like that. Basically, it says that since you're you, you're going to remember that you made these arrangements with and when you experience your "regression", you'll "...recall the details/instructions that you left at the time of making your deposit." (Will you also recall what a dumbass you were for doing such a thing?) Next, "A custodian of Reincarnation Bank will open your letter privately in your presence and will ask you to repeat the details contained therein (whilst in regression). Once this has been satisfactorily achieved, funds/property will be handed back to you and the account closed." It sounds so simple, so easy, freaking stupid I am dying to know how many people have already sent this dude money.

If you think about it, there is a huge advantage to taking this route for the safekeeping of your possessions whilst you are dead. Think of the profit you could make! From the interest on your hard earned money! It will just be sitting in a bank collecting interest all the while that you're wherever you, purgatory? Trying to talk your way out of hell? Something. But it will surely be there! Just don't count on a big windfall because "An indication of interest rates cannot be given at this stage because we cannot forecast how long we will be away." OH, right. Yeah, I forgot about that. Silly me. "But $1000 or $10,000 invested now will have an added value upon our return." Uh-huh. They just don't know when to stop, do they?

The folks that run also have a site called You can make your wish come true. For a fee. See, "In Ancient Japanese tradition Wishes were believed to come true if written down on paper and stored in a special jar. Beautifully crafted wishing pots were made from Stoneware or porcelain and embossed with lucky symbols." For the low, low price of only $10.00, you can have your own wishing pot that will last you a lifetime. Of course it's a virtual wishing pot and there are no refunds. But don't worry! The site says this: "A final word of warning, this site is so powerful be careful what you wish for as it will eventually come true. Remember, a wish can be made in a moment and change a lifetime." See? It's SO powerful that you wish WILL come true! Whew! I was afraid it was another scam or something, but if it SAYS that it's going to come true, then it must be. Good to know.

Stuff like this has me conflicted on where I stand with the whole thing. I mean, if you're so soft-headed that you fall for something like either one of these, then perhaps you shouldn't have money to start with.
Granted, you won't have money to end with, but that's not really the point. And I'm not talking about people who are mentally handicapped or suffering from some form of dementia. I'm talking about folks who could probably noodle the whole thing through and figure out that it's a scam, but they decide to send these people all of their money instead. I don't know if I should feel bad for people like that. If they're THAT soft-headed perhaps this is the lesson they need so that they will FINALLY pay attention and be responsible for themselves. I don't know. I DO know I don't like the people that try to take advantage of other people (mainly because they don't distinguish between the idiots and the incapacitated). People like that are scum.

To recap, we're all going to die. Probably not today. Probably not tomorrow. And at certain points in your life, certainly not when you wish that you would. But don't worry, it WILL happen. And when it does and IF you ARE reincarnated, what say you just start from scratch, eh? It builds character while, at the same time, NOT building some scam artist's bank account.

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