Sunday, August 30, 2009

Flori-duhs It Again

Sadly, there's still a need in Florida for some sort of PSA on the appropriate reasons to call 911. Honest to

God, I did not think that it was that difficult for folks to comprehend and understand what the definition of an emergency is. And I understand that there's a wide range of things which DO constitute an emergency, but not being able to find your car keys isn't one of them. Jackass.

According to an article over there at UPI, a one Lin Xu (pronounce that however you'd like to), age old-enough-to-know-better-by-27,
"...called 911 several times early Saturday from a pay phone outside of a Walgreens store in Boynton Beach."The article doesn't state what it was that he told the 911 operator, but whatever it was, it was enough for officers to actually show up!He told them that "... he called the emergency line because he lost his house key." To which, I'm assuming, the officers response was, "And....?" I'm thinking that there might have been alcohol involved due to Mr. Unpronounceable giving the officers an address in Texas. And that is where the UPI report of this account goes a bit astray when they include "... it was not clear whether he recently moved to Florida or was visiting at the time of the incident." What now?

It wasn't clear if he lived there or was visiting? Did he have ID? How do they not know that? What part exactly wasn't clear? Are those the only two choices? Florida and Texas? Perhaps the gentleman was from a, um...a...foreign land and was, um.....visiting! Yeah, that's it! Visiting our fine nation, perhaps unannounced and unexpected (with no intent of ever leaving)!

If so, then it would have made perfect sense to a one Monte Hilton to call 911 for a ride home, as that's what he did on August 25 in Tampa. The guy needed a ride, so he went to a pay phone and called 911. (What is it with folks in Florida who are unclear on the concept of 911?! Are they also unclear on the concept of cell phones?! I didn't even know that there were pay phones around anymore! Then again, I don't live in Flori-duh.) "Hinton hung up when a dispatcher answered, but deputies were already responding and found Hinton near the phone." I find it difficult to believe that there wasn't some other pressing issue for the officers to tend to other than a pay phone using, 911 calling, rideless guy, but at least they're doing their job! Can't complain about that.

Meanwhile, since Florida is such a completely sane and stable area of the country, we have a woman over in Niceville who was not being very nice. Again, according to the
UPI account of this incident, a woman was arrested "...for attacking a smoker with air freshener sprayed from a can." Of course she was. What now?

It would seem that said fresh scent wielding woman was "...waving the can of Glade Potpourri Air Freshener around the other woman's head while dispensing its contents at a Niceville apartment complex." Again, not very nice. And surprisingly, that had no effect upon Smokey Smokerson, who kept right on a-puffin'. That's when the woman (allegedly) "... pointed the can at the back of the other woman's head and sprayed it for nearly a full minute."

Now, a minute is a long time if you're spraying a fresh summer's breeze at someone's head. But I'd think it would be even longer for the person who was the target of said refreshing aerosol based scent. If someone is spraying air freshener at me in that fashion, I'm certainly not going to just sit there for an entire minute as they do so! Why didn't this person get up and deck this lady? (Oh. Wait. Flori-duh. Maybe the Rascal scooter that they use to get around had malfunctioned in some manner. Or perhaps the oxygen tubing got tangled up somewhere. You can't swing a dead cat in Flori-duh without hitting someone on oxygen.)

According to the police, the crazy spraying woman told them, "I will do it again, and take it to the Supreme Court because I have the right to breathe fresh air." Um, yeah. That's about your typical Florida argument right there. Quoting things that don't exist. That and/or pretending to know what's in the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. See, while I agree that breathing fresh air is desirable, I'm not really recalling it being in the Bill of Rights OR the Constitution. Let's see...freedom of speech...right to arm bears...a warrant would be nice...speedway trials....unusual crullers....huh. Nope. Nothing about fresh air in there.

And to complete the Flori-duh trifecta, we saunter on over to Tallahassee where the
AP informs us of a one Richard Irby who is a "...55-year-old man known for biking around Tallahassee wearing nothing but a thong". Well, this can't end well.

Said Mr. Irby "...is facing a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct for exposing himself." What did I tell ya? Not ending well. Any sort of grundle exposure is not a well ending.

Mr. Irby is 6-foot-3 and weighs 220 pounds. And he was wearing a thong. JUST a thong. Well, yes, I'd say that he WAS exposing himself at SOME point, as I don't think that a thong is designed to contain 220 pounds of a 6 foot, 3-inch cyclist! It's barely designed to contain anything, let alone...THAT!But let's just think about this for half a second. :::shudder:::: Yes, yes! I know it's not pleasant. Half a second, that's all!


This guy is known as the Bicycling Bikini Man. This is what he does. People know that. I'm not sure if it's OK with people that he does this, or if they're just used to it (as much as you can get used to seeing a 220 pound guy with a thong go a-pedalin' past you), but there has to be something else going on here. If he was just out to bike around in as little as possible, you can still get that same effect by wearing something other than a thong. Those really short NBA shorts from the late 70s and early 80s, for example. Those are short, yet they would contain ones nether regions a hell of a lot better than your basic plum smuggler would! But yet he chooses the thong. That leaves us with two choices. He's either a pedophile or he's not quite right in the head. Possibly both, definitely not neither.

TampaBay.com reports that "...Irby suffered a traumatic brain injury while in high school." Ah-ha! And another piece of the puzzle falls into place. "Almost four decades later, he still walks and speaks with difficulty. Problems with concentration and a tendency to behave oddly keep him from working." Really? "A tendency to behave oddly"? Really? A guy busting around town on a bike wearing a banana hammock is behaving oddly? Thanks for that, Captain Obvious.

OK, look, this one has a pretty simple solution. It seems pretty clear that the guy wasn't trying to expose himself. I also don't think that he's trying to hurt anyone or offend anyone. That being said however, I don't think that he has the ability to exercise discretion in certain situations...like those requiring pants. If there's any sort of rational thinking going on at the DA's office there in Tallahassee, they'll make a deal with this guy. They'll tell him he has to at least wear a pair of shorts when he rides his bike. If they don't have any complaints about him riding with just a thong for the next...6 months? Is that fair? 6 months with no "Oh, my God!" complaints and the charges get dropped? Seems reasonable to me.

Then again, pants seem reasonable to me. Someone get that guy some trousers and let's hope that sanity prevails for this one.

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