Who Cares WHERE He Found It?!

Here's a story that I don't understand at all. I feel like I'm missing an integral part of the whole thing because it doesn't make a lick of sense. It starts out cool and then becomes unbelievably ridiculous. I guess I'm just amazed at some of the opportunities in which certain people choose to be incredible jackasses. In this case, the jackasses seem to be the Rolling Meadows Police Department who got their uniforms in a wad when someone lied about where they found seventeen thousand dollars that they turned in.

According to the story in the Chicago Tribune, a one 54-year old Robert Adams "...found a Chase

Bank bag full of cash totaling about $17,000 near a Walgreens ATM in Midlothian". (By the way, I'm guessing that all of these places are somewhere around Chicago. It's their Tribune, after all.) Holy canoli! Seventeen grand! That's a lot of cheese. I have to admit that if I found that sum of money, I would be giving some serious thought to what I would be doing with it. I'd like to think that I'd do the right thing, but would I really? I have no idea. But for some reason, this guy, Mr. Adams, "...drove to Rolling Meadows and turned in the bag at a Chase Bank." OK. I don't get that, but at least he turned it in. It's seventeen grand, for cryin' out loud. What more do these people want? And apparently Mr. Adams "...later told police he found the cash outside a newspaper stand in Rolling Meadows."

OK, look, I don't know why he told the police that. But if it were my seventeen thousand dollars that I lost, I wouldn't give a fat rat's ass where someone SAID that they found it. Someone gives me my seventeen grand back and they can say that they found it wherever they want. Where they actually found it is the least of my concerns after I have received it back. Funnily enough, I'm like the only one who sees it this way because the police decided that he needed to be fined for his horrible misdeed. Wait. What now?

That's right. He was FINED $500 for filing a false report! And look, I don't know why he did it. According to him, he said "...he felt more comfortable turning the cash in to Rolling Meadows officials and filing the report with Rolling Meadows police." OK. I don't get that, but I'm OK with it. He says that "...It was a hot day and he just wanted to get home". I totally get that. Whatever. Seriously, who the hell cares WHERE he found it?! He RETURNED seventeen THOUSAND dollars and he was under NO obligation to do so. And he was really fined five hundred bucks?!

What is wrong with you people? Why couldn't that have just been let go? This is Illinois, where four of the last seven governors have ended up in JAIL for various convictions for corruption, bribery and the like. And they're going to get all bent out of shape and actually fine someone $500 for returning a boatload of money but not being totally honest about where he found it because he said it was hot outside?! Note to self: If ever running across large sums of wayward cash whilst in Illinois, keep for self. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT turn it in...especially if it's hot outside.

Sphere: Related Content

Banking In The Afterlife

You know that whole "A fool and his money are soon parted" saying? Yeah, some days we're reminded of just how true that really is. And thanks to the Internet, we learn of ways that said fool can part with said money SO easily and all from the comfort of the fool's own home and most likely in his underwear! (But he's not in his underwear because he's lazy; he's in his underwear because he can't find his pants. Not real bright, the fool isn't.) Today's aid for the fool with money (how said fool acquired said money, I'm still not completely clear on that one.) from which he is to soon part is an ingenious website called (wait for it)......reincarnationbank.com.

If you're afraid that it is exactly what it sounds like it is, you're right. It's a bank for your stuff. Your money, your goods, your real estate, and anything else that you have that is worth monetary value needs to be stored in safe keeping in case you die (which, I hate to break it to you, you will someday. Die, that is.). And it needs to be somewhere safe when you die so that nothing will happen to it and it will stay right where you've kept it for just such an occasion. That way it will be ready. Ready for you. When you comeback to Earth after having been reincarnated. Wait. What now?

Correct. It's a bank for your stuff that you're going to want after you've been reincarnated. Duh! Do you want to be reincarnated and start your next life with absolutely nothing?! Of course not! And if you're serious about dying someday (and again, who isn't?) then reincarnationbank.com will make you want to kill yourself if you actually fall for this scam.Whoever it is that came up with this money grabber, is brief and succinct in explaining how the whole dealio works. It begins with "Reincarnation Bank was originally set up for Elliott Trevesk who has now decided to give the banking facility to all believers of reincarnation." A quick Google search for "Elliott Trevesk" will garner you nothing. But I'll give credit for just throwing that name in there without any explanation at all, as if you're already supposed to know about good ol' Elliott!

"Scriptures throughout the ages predict man's reincarnation and rebirth. During the transition period to your next life, 2i Limited is offering safe keeping for any asset you wish to deposit." I'm thinking that they can't REALLY offer me safe keeping for ANY asset. What if I had giant tortoise? They live a long time,right? Are they going to be able to keep my valuable giant tortoise until I return from wherever? I don't think they are. I'm sure that sounds pessimistic (not as pessimistic as doubting the whole "I own a giant tortoise" scenario in the first place, however), but I see no indication that reincarnationbank.com is set up for the long term care of an ancient reptile species. And while it's true that scriptures have long predicted the whole reincarnation thing, as far as I know, scriptures have not verified it quite yet. Maybe they're working on it, I don't really know, but it's the verification that is most important in this scenario.

The question is asked "If you leave nothing purposely behind when you die, then what is there here for you when you return?" Um, yeah, I've got news for whoever wrote that. EVERYTHING that I leave behind will be neither purposely left nor accidentally left. It will just be left. That's how it works. That doesn't change. It doesn't matter if I want it to or not, that's just how it is. So, good try, but no.

And if that didn't reel you in, there's this little nugget to think about: "Begin by believing and just do it. The great end of life is not just knowledge but action so act now and save for your reincarnation." First of all, I'm not really considering the "end of life" especially MY life to be all that "great". The very simple "just do it" seems a bit childish to me. As if that would work for all who are skeptical. "I don't know....it sounds kinda iffy." "OH, come on. Just do it!" "Oh. OH! Oh, my God! I..I...I'm convinced!" So now that you've been convinced, you need to transfer all of your assets to this "holding company" in Gibraltar, right? Right. The website is very informative and gives you bank transfer codes and account numbers to make your deposits into. It also gives an address for you to send all of the non-monetary material assets to be transferred. "Temporary ownership by 2i Limited of deeds, bonds and other tangible assets such as precious metals, jewellery, fine art, vehicles, real estate and other assets must be transferred in their entirety to: 2i Limited Suite 31, 30 – 38 Main Street Gibraltar" Is that really an address? Do they own the whole block? 30 - 38? And just IN Gibraltar? They'll find it? They know who they are? Is that how that works?

Now you've transferred everything and you've just croaked. Suddenly, you're back! You're someone else and you're poor! Now you need to get your stuff back! It's simple. First, they have the audacity to include this at the top of the 'Withdrawals' page: "To prevent cheats and false claims the terms and conditions will apply." Oh, thank God that they're looking out for the cheats! Takes one to know one? Yeah, something like that. Basically, it says that since you're you, you're going to remember that you made these arrangements with reincarnationbank.com and when you experience your "regression", you'll "...recall the details/instructions that you left at the time of making your deposit." (Will you also recall what a dumbass you were for doing such a thing?) Next, "A custodian of Reincarnation Bank will open your letter privately in your presence and will ask you to repeat the details contained therein (whilst in regression). Once this has been satisfactorily achieved, funds/property will be handed back to you and the account closed." It sounds so simple, so easy, so...so...so freaking stupid I am dying to know how many people have already sent this dude money.

If you think about it, there is a huge advantage to taking this route for the safekeeping of your possessions whilst you are dead. Think of the profit you could make! From the interest on your hard earned money! It will just be sitting in a bank collecting interest all the while that you're wherever you are...um, purgatory? Trying to talk your way out of hell? Something. But it will surely be there! Just don't count on a big windfall because "An indication of interest rates cannot be given at this stage because we cannot forecast how long we will be away." OH, right. Yeah, I forgot about that. Silly me. "But $1000 or $10,000 invested now will have an added value upon our return." Uh-huh. They just don't know when to stop, do they?

The folks that run reincarnationbank.com also have a site called awish4you.com. You can make your wish come true. For a fee. See, "In Ancient Japanese tradition Wishes were believed to come true if written down on paper and stored in a special jar. Beautifully crafted wishing pots were made from Stoneware or porcelain and embossed with lucky symbols." For the low, low price of only $10.00, you can have your own wishing pot that will last you a lifetime. Of course it's a virtual wishing pot and there are no refunds. But don't worry! The site says this: "A final word of warning, this site is so powerful be careful what you wish for as it will eventually come true. Remember, a wish can be made in a moment and change a lifetime." See? It's SO powerful that you wish WILL come true! Whew! I was afraid it was another scam or something, but if it SAYS that it's going to come true, then it must be. Good to know.

Stuff like this has me conflicted on where I stand with the whole thing. I mean, if you're so soft-headed that you fall for something like either one of these, then perhaps you shouldn't have money to start with. Granted, you won't have money to end with, but that's not really the point. And I'm not talking about people who are mentally handicapped or suffering from some form of dementia. I'm talking about folks who could probably noodle the whole thing through and figure out that it's a scam, but they decide to send these people all of their money instead. I don't know if I should feel bad for people like that. If they're THAT soft-headed perhaps this is the lesson they need so that they will FINALLY pay attention and be responsible for themselves. I don't know. I DO know I don't like the people that try to take advantage of other people (mainly because they don't distinguish between the idiots and the incapacitated). People like that are scum.

To recap, we're all going to die. Probably not today. Probably not tomorrow. And at certain points in your life, certainly not when you wish that you would. But don't worry, it WILL happen. And when it does and IF you ARE reincarnated, what say you just start from scratch, eh? It builds character while, at the same time, NOT building some scam artist's bank account.

Sphere: Related Content

Out of Touch and Overstimulated

Can we please get one, just one, one politician in Washington who can actually hear what it is that they're saying so that they can realize how ridiculous it sounds and how ineffective their plan is going to be? Perhaps it is so hard for them to hear what they're saying because they all seem to have their head so far up their arse that it would be difficult to hear anything, really. (It would be very muffled.) OR, perhaps they've just morons. Either one is not exactly a glowing letter of recommendation, nor an affirmation of any degree of faith in them to do their jobs effectively. Yeah, hardly either one of those.

I shall begin with the plans for 'fixing' the economy as laid out by Barry Obama and his crew. First of all, remember that stimulus package that was approved last year and everyone got sent a nice check that they were supposed to go out and spend so that the economy would be 'stimulated'? That didn't work so well. In fact, it was less than stimulating at best. But now they're ready to throw more money into the economy in a similar fashion. Wait! Wait! Has anyone looked at WHY that didn't work before? Because if you're going to do the same thing again and hope for a different result, isn't that kind of implying that it was just bad timing? Oh, wait, that sounds silly! That's because it is silly to think that. But what's even sillier is not figuring out why it didn't work the first time before doing it again.

Then there's Barry's magical creation of millions of jobs plan! You may or may not recall (perhaps because you were too busy swooning at the sound of Barry's voice and the thrill of witnessing the next Messiah to actually hear anything he was actually saying) that while he was campaigning, Barry said he was going to create a million jobs. A. Million. As in 'one'. One million. (Actually, what he ended up saying was he would create OR save a million jobs. He finally had to clarify that when pressed on the issue by people who wouldn't let up or fall for that freakishly infectious smile that he flashes when he's cornered.) Then a couple of weeks ago that number climbed to three million jobs created or saved. NOW the number is at 4.1 million jobs created or saved with no, I mean NONE, no indication as to where that number comes from, how that will be achieved or when/if it can even be achieved. Creating and/or saving a million jobs is a pretty impressive thing to be able to claim that you can do. But then to up that number by 3.1 million jobs over a span of just a couple of weeks? That's amazing! He IS our Savior!! Ugh.

Now, Barry's camp has posted online their 14-page analysis of their wishful thinking as to how this could turn out. Or not. I share with you my favorite page, Page Four! Behold!

By looking at Page Four, you will notice that, by the year 2014, after dumping billions and billions of dollars into fixing this problem, the result is (wait for it) ....... exactly the same as if billions and billions of dollars had not been dumped into fixing this problem! Well, hey now, that's interesting. Yes, I realize that by putting the billions in there it would seem to alleviate what could be a really, really crappy 2010. But I also realize that I've been saying that a recession is a natural occurrence in a market on occasion. They do happen. (Depressions, by the way, seem to be the result of bad government and governing. Thus, if people know what they're doing and dealing with, when recession comes along, as it will, then it can be prevented from spiraling into a depression if proper management is applied. And if you didn't get it before, now do you see why I'm flippin' out?! Because the people in charge are clueless, that is correct. We'll all be in line at the barrel store by next Wednesday if they keep this up.) And a natural occurrence would seem, by definition, to come and go on its own, as illustrated by Barry's chart. So why is it that it is so important to put a bunch of money into something that's going to fix itself? I don't know. Maybe one of Barry's folks could tell me, because no one else has even brought this up. (Leave it to me, yeah, I know.)

Could. It could be really crappy. It could not be really crappy also. That's because they don't know. They really don't. They say so on my second favorite page, Page Three. "....It should be understood that all of the estimates presented in this memo are subject to significant margins of error. Our estimates of economic relationships and rules of thumb are derived from historical experience and so will not apply exactly in any given episode. Furthermore, the uncertainty is surely higher than normal now because the current recession is unusual both in its fundamental causes and its severity." (Translation: This COULD be how it turns out. This also could NOT be how it turns out. We'll have to wait and see.)

But it's not just Barry's team that isn't making a lot of sense, yet still plowing straight ahead without looking back. It's everywhere! As we look at the situation surround the TARP dealio. TARP (which should have stood for Tossing Aside Reasonable Processes) was the $750 billion that you and I oh-so-graciously loaned the government to infuse into the "cash-strapped" banks so that they could resume lending to people who were actually qualified to borrow the money that they needed in the first place. (The problem was that the banks weren't so keen on lending their money any more, having already loaned it out to people who could never pay it back (and didn't) and then losing their shirts. The United States Banking Industry, ladies and gentlemen! Try the veal! Tip your servers! They'll be here all week!)

The thing about the "loaning" of the first half of the $750 billion is that there wasn't any real way to track what the banks were doing with it. Correct. The government is doling out billions of dollars and has no way to see where it's going or what's been done with it. Nice. But NOW Barney Frank wants to add some "strings" to the second half of that $750 billion. "Strings" like banning some bonuses and "strings" like the relinquishing of private jets. (Some bonuses? Not all bonuses? What's the point then? Who, exactly, is it that needs a gazillion dollar bonus for the fledgling company? No one, that is correct. Onward. Onward to doom!) And according to the AP, "The new conditions also would include a better method for the government to track whether banks are using the money to boost lending." Barney Frank: "We will trust but verify." A "better method"? Shouldn't that be "A method", since they didn't have one before?! What is wrong with these people?

They're going to "trust but verify"? Oh, I see. Because trust has gotten them SO far up to this point, might as well keep going with it, yes? NO! Are they crazy?! They HAVE to put in there that there's no private planes and no bonuses. Why? Because if they didn't, they'd be flying around on their private planes rolling around naked in their piles of money that they received for their bonuses like some sort of porn laden Scrooge McDuck, that's why! How about instead of "trust but verify", you have the banks give you an itemized list of what they need the money for and then you actually read the document and then you dole out money where it is supposed to go on the behalf of the banks? How about that plan instead of your "trust but verify" disaster over there? No? Disaster instead? Disaster it is then.

Hey, wait a minute! No, that's not OK! And it's not OK for two reasons! One is that I'm not real big on disaster overall. And two because that's MY money! All of this money that's being tossed around by the boatload is taxpayer money! Yo! Taxpayer here!! And here's what no one seems to understand: Every dollar that you put into the economy to stimulate it is a dollar that has to come out of the economy! Wait. What?

YES! It comes OUT of the economy to go back INTO the economy. All of that money that's being tossed around? That money is borrowed. It's not magic money! It has to come from somewhere! Look at it like this: The money that is borrowed has to get paid back. You and I pay it back in the from of tax dollars that, had we not had to pay back that money, could have gone into the economy. But now those dollars don't go into the economy, they stay OUT of the economy by paying back the loan for the money that was borrowed. (OK, maybe don't look at it exactly like that, because that explanation still might be a little confusing, but trust me. We're getting screwed.)

But we're back to Square One here. Why didn't the first stimulus package work? Well, I'd have to guess that people who are concerned about losing their job, paying their bills, etc., are not going to go out and spend any money that is given to them and that keeps that money out of the economy. That would be my guess and if I'm right then I would expect the same thing to happen if another economic stimulus package was passed through. Only this time, since things are economically worse than before, I would expect the amount of cash infused back into the economy to be less than before, making it an even worse idea than before.

What's really unfortunate is that so many people have been living beyond their means for so long that it isn't really that feasible to just ride this thing out. When you don't have anything saved up to live on for just such an occasion, you're kind of screwed when you need cash. So I understand the want/need to fix this mess, but can someone please, for the love of God, please do something that makes sense? Show us your plan that you can explain what it does and why you think it will work. Show us your plan that has a system in place for accountability and consequences. Then do it and follow through. If you did it that way from the beginning, you might have only had to do this once!

::::sigh::::: Good luck, Barry. I certainly hope there are some Economics 101 books lying around the White House somewhere.

Sphere: Related Content

Name That Bandit, Smokey

I've always thought of the FBI as an excellent organization and I was sure that those who work there have responsibilities that are more involved as far as what they entail as compared to other jobs. I've always thought that things in the FBI would operate at a "step up" from that of other jobs. You know, the complexities, the multi-leveled thinking approach to things, the intricacies that are involved, stuff like that. I've always thought that there would definitely be something "different" about working for the FBI. I was correct. It is different, all right. Not different in the way that I was thinking of, but different nonetheless.

Welcome to Chicago, where 2008 saw almost a record number of robberies with the total hovering somewhere between 276 and 284. (They're still filling out reports on some of them, so they're not sure exactly how many just yet. I'm just glad there's a fairly reasonable explanation for not having an exact figure. After all, they are the FBI; they should know things like that.) Now with that many robberies, it brought about, according to The Chicago Tribune "an unusual problem." Not a lack of manpower. Not a lack of funds. Not a problem with witnesses. Not a problem with violence. No, they have a problem (wait for it....) coming up with all of those nicknames. Wait. What?

No, seriously. WTF?

Apparently, if a robber is a "serial robber" (which, by apparent definition, is someone who is responsible for doing all of the robbing at least three times), they are supposed to get a "unique and memorable name". The nickname is important because it draws public interest and the interest of the media. (And those in the media love a good nickname for anything! Doesn't matter what it is! A good nickname or a catchy phrase will have those in the media practically wetting themselves in anticipation of being able to use said nickname in their story.) So if you're of the serial robbing type, you've gotta have a nickname. And according to a one Ross Rice who is the FBI spokesman in Chicago and the name-assigner for that area, "It's actually one of the more trying parts of the job."

The names?!? The freaking names that you have to make up are one of the "more trying parts" of working for the FBI?! Are you kidding me?! If that is one of the more trying parts, I'd love to know what are some of the easier aspects of working for the FBI! Let's see...tracking that Unabomber guy for 16-17 years....that DB Cooper thing that hasn't been figured out since 1971....the World Trade Center ordeal and looking for that Osama dude....yeah,l all a piece of cake compared to coming up with a little nickname for a robber. I see.

Oh, but I kid. (Actually, I don't. This is ridiculous. Naming anything, anyone, it doesn't matter. It's NOT hard!) One of the things that made it so, soooo hard for this guy to give nicknames to the evil doers is the sheer number of them. Now, I'm doing the math here (because it's what I do) and if there were 276 robberies and you have to have committed 3 of them to be a "serial robber" and get yourself a shiny gold star and a catchy moniker to go underneath your blurry surveillance photo on the evening news, you're looking at a maximum of 93 names. 365 days in the year. That's one every 3.92 days. You can't come up with a nickname for someone in 3.92 days?! Really? I think I could come up with a couple of 'em in 3.92 seconds. Give me 3.92 days and I'll nickname them all. Forget the other 361.08 days, I won't need 'em! (Slappy McRobs-A-Lot! Stick 'em Up Pete! Bank of the West Pest! Shall I go on? No? Thank God.)

Rice was responsible for names (that were much better than mine I just threw out in less than 3.92 days) like " "....The Cadillac Bandit," (for his getaway car), "The Brazen Bandit" (for his demeanor) and "The Straw Hat Bandit" (for, well, some names are less trying than others)." Who the hell is going around robbing banks in Chicago (of all places) in a freaking straw hat is what I want to know? Old McDonald?

Rice was also responsible for the naming of a one robber Michael Staadt as the "Groucho Bandit" because he wore a fake moustache during his robberies. "Groucho" was later arrested outside of a bar when alert employees called police. (They're always alert when something like this happens. Never do you read "The dozing, half-wit bartender then called police with the information." Never.) He's not always quite so clever when it comes to his dubbing of the dastardly. Apparently, two different robbers decided to don an oh-so-stylish Kangol hat during their robberies. The first guy got the obvious "Kangol Bandit" distinction. The second one got the also obvious (but a little silly sounding) "Kangol Bandit 2" distinction.

OK, I wouldn't know a Kangol hat if it bit me in the ass. (I'd know I'd been bitten in the ass, but I wouldn't know what did the biting. I'm just saying.) What's with the name, anyway? Kangol. Is it like a cross between a kangaroo and a Mongol? I had not idea, so I looked it up and, in case you're interested (and how could you not be at this point!) THIS is a Kangol hat. Behold!

OK, so a "Newsies" hat? Paperboy in the 1920s? Do people really wear those? If so, why? You'd think that if they did that I'd have already made fun of them by now. And if people aren't really wearing those these days, couldn't you have gone with a name along those lines? "The What Not To Wear Bandit", perhaps?

I wish that the person who wrote the article over there at the Chicago Tribune had asked Mr. Rice why it seems that only in nicknames of criminals do you hear or see the word "bandit" used. The only other time you'll hear "bandit" bandied about is if it involves Burt Reynolds and is proceeded by "Smokey and the". Other than that, "bandit" is conspicuously absent from day to day language. Just look at all of these other "bandits" that were out robbing things all over the place:

• The Leprechaun Bandit

The Playboy Bandit

The Second Hand Bandit

I think that my favorite "bandit" nickname is one that, unfortunately, did not originate in Chicago. It was the doing of the FBI guys in Seattle when they came up with the name "Can You Hear Me Now Bandit" for a guy who kept talking on his cell phone whilst robbing places! I also think that I'm glad that the practice of nicknaming criminals gets toned down a bit when it comes to those who kill other people. I was good with "The Unabomber" as a nickname (no matter how ridiculous it is). I wouldn't have been good for 16-17 years of "Be on the look out for "Explode-y Von Bombs Your Ass."

So what have we learned? The FBI is a pretty tough place to work. Or not. Maybe we've learned too much about the inner workings of the FBI. Or not enough. Either way, I think we learned that if you're going to be a bank robber, don't always wear the same damn thing every time you rob a place. I think we also learned that we're glad that bank robbers (in general) aren't real bright and will continue to wear the same damn thing every time they rob a place, which earns them a catchy nickname which aids their eventual capture. It's one of the few times when I'm actually grateful for stupidity

Sphere: Related Content

Pork, Anyone?

Time flies like an arrow (and fruit flies like a banana). That's why you might not remember what all of the news was about exactly one week ago. That's also why I'm here to explain the unexplainable. (Here's a hint on how it's going to go: It might start with "WTF" and it might end with "they're all idiots". But I'm not giving anything else up. That's all you're getting for right now.)

Last week at this time, we were being told by those in Washington that the country is on the brink of financial doom. We were being told that our financial infrastructure, our stock market, our banking industry, all were on the verge of collapsing. And from that collapse we could expect a world wide Depression that would make the Great Depression look like a day at Disneyland without lines. Pleasant, eh? They had us all digging holes in our backyards to serve as hiding places for our cash. They had us scanning the Internet for recipes on how to boil your belt and what goes best with shoe leather, as we were clearly going to be starving as well.

They made it clear that they had to act NOW in order to avoid the certain disaster that we would face by them doing nothing. The initial idea was to give the Treasury Secretary a blank check for $700 billion dollars (a figure that came out of simply needing "a big number") and allow him to dole it out as he saw fit to financial institutions that had run themselves into the ground through a series of fraudulent actions. That document that would have allowed that was 2 pages long and gave Henry Paulson all of the authority to do whatever he wanted and gave Congress no authority or say so on what he did. How do you think those power mongering weasels over there reacted to that? Correct. With shrieks and shrills that could be likened to that of fornicating banshees.

What happened next was the House got together (as much as they could, which is to say, barely at all) and redrafted the 2 page document to include things like having some oversight and not giving the entire $700 billion all at once and things like that. Now that sounds fairly reasonable. Controlling, but reasonable. That "reason" increased the length of the document from 2 pages to approximately 137. I am not kidding. 137 pages of stuff that is mostly definitions of other stuff that needs to be voted on so that the country isn't ruined and you and I don't end up wearing a barrel. (Because really, barrels have never helped anything. You don't need to be poor and destitute AND ugly.)

OK, fine, so we're saved, right? No. Wait. What? No? Right. No. See, they voted on it, and they voted no. Then do you know what they did? After they wrote 135 additional pages of crap, after they told us we were going to self implode, after they made it sound as if there was NO time left, and after they voted down what had been presented to the public as our only hope, do you know what they did then? Correct. They took two days off for Rosh Hashanah. Wait. Wait. WTF?

Correct. Rosh Hashanah. I was a bit confused too, as I didn't realize that there was such a high number of Jewish members of the House that it warranted a couple of days off right in the middle of Armageddon. Fortunately for me, I happen to know someone who is extremely bright and quick (and really hot) who did a quick calculation/estimate for me and came up with approximately 12 members of the House would be Jewish based on averages. Twelve. I see. And they took the freaking day off? Are they unaware of what the concept of "working on a holiday" is about? They might want to sit down when they learn this: Some people actually DO work on holidays! Yes! Can you believe it! AND those people that DO sometimes work on holidays? They do so when they are NOT in the middle of, as one House member put it, "a financial 9/11." But they took off for Rosh Hashanah. That is when I lost what little, if any, confidence I had in this whole ordeal and immediately went out shopping for a much bigger mattress which to store my life savings beneath.

So while the House was off Rosh Hashanah-ing, the Senate held a little powwow and took a vote on their revised version of the "Troubled Asset Relief Program" aka TARP. (They should have called it COAT - "Cover Our Asses Today.") Their revised version is not 2 pages long either. It's also not 137 pages long. No, this thing is now four hundred and fifty one pages long. 451!!! 22,500% more pages than the original 2. 451 pages. By the time I finish reading the damn thing, the economy will have collapsed AND fixed itself by then! Are you kidding me?!? What the hell is in those 451 pages?!? Actually, forget about that for a minute. How was Rosh Hashanah?

I don't know if I have the stomach for it all in one post. It might have to be divided into two. But let me just say this: Those 451 pages? They're not ALL about the giving financial assistance to the companies that loaned out money for mortgages to people who couldn't afford to pay them back. No, that's what it was supposed to be about. But since not enough of our fine, fine Representatives could come together and agree on passing the bill, they needed to come up with ways that might sway some to change their vote to yes. So they did that by throwing a bunch of other things into this bill as well that have absolutely nothing to do whatsoever with this bill nor with the outcome of the economy. They just figured that if they pandered to some people's desires, projects, and wants that they might be persuaded to vote yes the next time around. Hmmmmm......see, for those of us NOT currently serving in the House, there's a name for that. It's called bribery. You selfish, self serving, rat bastard, weaselly snakes.

Yeah, I was right. This has to be two posts. I need to go yak somewhere. But I am hereby formally advocating to just clean House (literally) and start over. All of the members of the House are up for re-election in November. (Just one of many reasons that some had for voting "no" the first time around for this TARP thing. ) I am formally advocating the voting for every challenger to every incumbent seat in the House. I don't care who they are. All of those who are currently in office over there need to go. Yesterday. Throw them all out and start over. I don't care who the challenger is either. Communist? I'll vote for 'em. Homeless dude? Sure. Your dog? Yes. All of them. I will be voting for every single challenger to House seats out there. If ANY of these bozos are re-elected, you have to wonder WHO the people are who voted for them AGAIN. It's like when I hear that Congress has an 11% approval rating. I don't immediately think, "Wow, they suck." But that's because I already know that. I immediately think, "Who in the hell are you 11% that think that they are doing a good job?! Who are YOU?!?!"

Sphere: Related Content

For Cryin' Out Loud, Just PASS The Bill!

I'm sure that somewhere out there (most likely in Florida) a female teacher is having sex with her students, someone who is not wearing any pants is robbing some convenience store and a large snake or stray bull, steer and/or cow has escaped from it's home and is roaming about a major freeway. I'm sure these things are happening and are extremely mockable. However, there will be plenty of pantsless robbers for me to write about in the future after the US economy completely collapses and the entire country gets to experience the 2008 version of The Great Depression, live and in person. I hope you like dust.

If you've been living under a rock for the past few days and have no idea what I'm talking about, that's actually pretty good, as shortly there is going to be a huge run on rocks to live under and you already have yours staked out and will avoid the stampede. That's good. But if that scenario doesn't take place, then you're just another uninformed, under a rock, rock-dweller. While I can't do much about the rock-dwelling (hey, who am I to judge?), I can do a bit about the uninformed part. That is, to help the 'neath=rockers become more informed. But only, only if they read. They have to pull their share. Trying to get something for nothing is how this whole mess came to be in the first place.

See, you know all of that money that we've been putting into banks for the past, oh, I'd say....always? Yeah, that money. Well, see, the problem is that the banks? Yeah, they don't have it anymore. No, they gave it away. I know, I know, you think I made a mistake and I should have wrote that they "loaned it all out" and not "they gave it away". Nope, no mistake there. They gave it away. They might have thought they were loaning it out, but when you "loan" money to someone that you know can't pay you back? That's called "giving". Big difference. But that's what happened. The banks thought that it would be a really good idea to loan people money to buy a house that they couldn't afford. Yes, I know that sounds stupid. But let me finish. Maybe it won't sound so stupid then.

So they loaned all of this money to people who couldn't afford the houses that they were buying because the banks just figured that, since real estate prices kept going up, they would assume and act as if the real estate prices would always go up and that way they could lend money to people who could just sell the house when they couldn't pay for it anymore and the banks would get their money back that way. Now does it sound stupid? It does? Well, good. That's because it still is.

Naturally, what ended up happening is that after a while, say four or five years, the banks were still waiting to get their money back. What they apparently didn't anticipate was that the real estate market would eventually be glutted with overpriced houses that people couldn't afford to buy and that people couldn't afford to live in. And since the people that bought the houses that they couldn't afford weren't exactly financial wizards, they didn't put them up for sale themselves and instead let them go into foreclosure. The foreclosure process takes quite a while to complete to the point of having the home sold. So as a ton of houses are going into foreclosure, overpriced houses aren't selling (hey, I cannot buy a home AND a tank of gas at the same time! Who can?), people aren't buying because prices are too high and there aren't any homes left anyways, and the banks don't get their money back. Sheer genius, I tell you. On the part of everyone who was involved at any level with this. Sheer genius.

So now the banks don't have any money. And it's not like it's just one bank. No, moronic banks all across the country were behaving like this. (Why? How about if I said that those who sell the houses and those who broker the loans get a big, fat commission for each one that they do? Then would it become a bit clearer? I thought so.) Now banks can't lend money to each other or to small businesses or to people who want to buy a house that they can afford, or anything like that requires loaning money. They don't HAVE anymore.

Well, no sense in staying in business if you don't have any product to sell. It would be like if KFC ran out of chicken. Unless you wanted to change the name to KFB (Kentucky Fried Batter), you'd be shuttering the doors to the deep frying coop shortly. And banks did the same thing. Next thing you know, banks are going under, people are panicking, stocks are plunging and the whole thing is just cats and dogs, living together, mass hysteria. (My thoughts? I'm expecting a huge run on shovels, so that people can dig holes in the backyard to bury their money in, and I'm expecting a huge run on mattresses so that people can hide their money under them. So invest heavily in mattresses and shovels and you'll be fine. And after you do, come see me and check to see if I still have the Brooklyn Bridge for sale, because I could probably cut you a pretty good deal. You know, since we're friends and all.)

And here's where I start to get a little testy about the whole thing. What has to happen now is that the financial institutions (known as the banks run by greedy dimwits) need to get some money. So the Federal Government wants to, essentially, loan (or give. Some say give.) the banks the money. They want to buy up all of their mortgages that are outstanding (and by outstanding I mean that no one is paying for them. I do not mean all of the "great mortgages" when I say that.) and that way the banks will get their money back and it will be business as semi-usual. What? Oh, how much? Well, for the eight of you who actually read this, you'll remember that the other day I explained that they need $700 billion dollars. Not necessarily because they really need that much, but because they needed a really large number and that's the one they chose.

Sure, it's a buttload of money. It's several buttloads of money. (Because you could never fit all of that money in one butt.) But the US is a pretty rich country and with "rich" comes buttloads of money. But here's the thing: If the banks don't have any more money, they can't lend money. That means that people, like small businesses, etc., can't get money. If they can't get money, they close up shop. If they're closed, their employees get laid off. With people being laid off, the free spending of money as if someone had opened up a freaking spigot stops. When money spending stops, then the cycle continues to repeat itself until we're all wearing barrels or sandwich boards. (Actually, the only people who will be wearing the sandwich boards will be morons because they thought that they could eat it when the next food shortage came along.) For reals.

So all of the lawmakers congregate in Washington, DC to try and hammer out a deal. Originally, it was a 2 page document that gave the $700 billion to Henry Paulson to do with what he would without any oversight from anyone. Of course, the anal retentive, control freaks in Washington flipped out when they heard that and thus began two days of negotiation which turned the 2 page document into a 132 page document that was to be up for a vote on Monday. And remember, the Secretary of the Treasury, the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, and many, many economists are all saying that if something isn't done soon, everything will fall apart. AND also remember that, just to show that they weren't kidding, Washington Mutual, which has been around since 1889 (which is almost as long as John McCain has been around) folded over the weekend while everyone was working on their "deal". Gone. The end.

So a company that had been around for 119 years couldn't wait TWO days until this Financial Assistance package was completed and had to go out of business and sell off it's $31 billion dollars in assets to JP Morgan for $1.8 billion. And that's without a coupon! Naturally, that would persuade some of the lawmakers to just pass the thing, whatever it is, just pass it so that our economy, which is now starting to resemble a Jenga tower towards the end of the game, doesn't collapse into shambles, right? Oh, please.

They thought it was done. They thought it would pass. It didn't. And what do you think happened? Exactly. The Dow plunged 777 points, the largest one day drop EVER. Nice job, Reps. Nice job. What in the hell is wrong with you people? (Mark my words, if they do not agree on this thing on Tuesday, the drop will be twice as much.) And here's where I go ballistic.

Do you know how many freaking committees there are to regulate and supervise the very departments and sectors of the financial systems of this country? Let me list a few. We have:

• The governors of the Federal Reserve System
• The Board of Directors of the FDIC
• The Securities and Exchange Commission
• The Federal Advisory Committee
• The Committee on Banking, Housing and Urban Affairs
• The Committee on the Budget
• The Committee on the Finance of the Senate
• The Committee on Financial Services
• The Committee on Ways and Means of the House of Representatives
• The Federal Housing Finance Agency

The various members of these various committees and boards (and I've just listed TEN of them. There ARE more.) are made up of members of the House of Representatives! These committees and boards are supposed to oversee the financial system of the country and regulate it so that disaster doesn't strike. Well what in the hell have they been doing the past four or five years?! And NOW they're all concerned that something might be done without their oversight? Are you kidding me? You're already supposed to be overseeing things? What have you people been doing??!

Clearly, people weren't doing their jobs. That's nothing new when it comes to elected officials. But what burns my toast is that these people have the freaking nerve to, once again, act all concerned about the situation and what they can do to save it when they were the ones that created the mess in the first place by doing NOTHING! Don't show up NOW and tell me that YOU want oversight. That's what you should have been doing, you morons, you! AND on top of that, those who know their economic stuff are telling you that it is going to be financially disastrous if the now 100+ bill doesn't pass and something isn't done. So what do you do? Do you pass the bill? Hell, no! Instead, you make it so the bill does NOT pass and the stock market drops like the rocks that must in your heads.

So when all of the fraud was going on in the real estate and mortgage lending game, you didn't want to listen then. When you're on these committees to oversee the industry and you learn about these things, you didn't want to listen then. And then after you're told that not giving Federal help to these banks will significantly damage the economy, you still don't listen and don't pass the bill because NOW, suddenly, YOU want to start doing your job? Screw you and don't let the door hit you in your cowardly ass on the way out. (The cowardly ass, by the way, was originally slated to be one of the three characters that accompanied Dorothy on her magical journey to Oz and then was unceremoniously replaced by that lion fellow.) Once again, you showed that you only care about yourselves, being as how a whole lot of you are up for re-election in November and you saw a "yes" vote as being not as politically productive for you as a "no" vote.

Come November on Election Day, I've decided to simply vote for whoever the challenger is to any seat in the House of Representatives that is up for grabs. I don't care if it's a goat rapist running against the incumbent, I'm voting for the goat rapist! And I encourage everyone else to vote against the incumbents as well. Don't worry about what your party affiliation is; just always vote for the goat rapist! I want all of them booted out and I want to just start over. What a bunch of jackasses! If you people wanted to do your damn job so badly, why didn't you?! What was stopping you?!! Oh, that's right, because you're jackasses! Once again, I remind those folks that their JOB was to make sure that NONE of this could HAPPEN! And they're worried about votes? Grand.

Stay tuned and see if either a) the House passes the bill tomorrow, or b) if I have a coronary if they don't. Either one, a fair to partly cloudy possibility. (In the interim, I'd like to apologize to all of the goats out there that I may have offended or frightened by participating in and encouraging the electing of public officials prone to fornicating with members of your species. Sorry 'bout that.)

Sphere: Related Content