Friday, October 3, 2008

Pork, Anyone?

Time flies like an arrow (and fruit flies like a banana). That's why you might not remember what all of the news was about exactly one week ago. That's also why I'm here to explain the unexplainable. (Here's a hint on how it's going to go: It might start with "WTF" and it might end with "they're all idiots". But I'm not giving anything else up. That's all you're getting for right now.)

Last week at this time, we were being told by those in Washington that the country is on the brink of financial doom. We were being told that our financial infrastructure, our stock market, our banking industry, all were on the verge of collapsing. And from that collapse we could expect a world wide Depression that would make the Great Depression look like a day at Disneyland without lines. Pleasant, eh? They had us all digging holes in our backyards to serve as hiding places for our cash. They had us scanning the Internet for recipes on how to boil your belt and what goes best with shoe leather, as we were clearly going to be starving as well.

They made it clear that they had to act NOW in order to avoid the certain disaster that we would face by them doing nothing. The initial idea was to give the Treasury Secretary a blank check for $700 billion dollars (a figure that came out of simply needing "a big number") and allow him to dole it out as he saw fit to financial institutions that had run themselves into the ground through a series of fraudulent actions. That document that would have allowed that was 2 pages long and gave Henry Paulson all of the authority to do whatever he wanted and gave Congress no authority or say so on what he did. How do you think those power mongering weasels over there reacted to that? Correct. With shrieks and shrills that could be likened to that of fornicating banshees.

What happened next was the House got together (as much as they could, which is to say, barely at all) and redrafted the 2 page document to include things like having some oversight and not giving the entire $700 billion all at once and things like that. Now that sounds fairly reasonable. Controlling, but reasonable. That "reason" increased the length of the document from 2 pages to approximately 137. I am not kidding. 137 pages of stuff that is mostly definitions of other stuff that needs to be voted on so that the country isn't ruined and you and I don't end up wearing a barrel. (Because really, barrels have never helped anything. You don't need to be poor and destitute AND ugly.)

OK, fine, so we're saved, right? No. Wait. What? No? Right. No. See, they voted on it, and they voted no. Then do you know what they did? After they wrote 135 additional pages of crap, after they told us we were going to self implode, after they made it sound as if there was NO time left, and after they voted down what had been presented to the public as our only hope, do you know what they did then? Correct. They took two days off for Rosh Hashanah. Wait. Wait. WTF?

Correct. Rosh Hashanah. I was a bit confused too, as I didn't realize that there was such a high number of Jewish members of the House that it warranted a couple of days off right in the middle of Armageddon. Fortunately for me, I happen to know someone who is extremely bright and quick (and really hot) who did a quick calculation/estimate for me and came up with approximately 12 members of the House would be Jewish based on averages. Twelve. I see. And they took the freaking day off? Are they unaware of what the concept of "working on a holiday" is about? They might want to sit down when they learn this: Some people actually DO work on holidays! Yes! Can you believe it! AND those people that DO sometimes work on holidays? They do so when they are NOT in the middle of, as one House member put it, "a financial 9/11." But they took off for Rosh Hashanah. That is when I lost what little, if any, confidence I had in this whole ordeal and immediately went out shopping for a much bigger mattress which to store my life savings beneath.

So while the House was off Rosh Hashanah-ing, the Senate held a little powwow and took a vote on their revised version of the "Troubled Asset Relief Program" aka TARP. (They should have called it COAT - "Cover Our Asses Today.") Their revised version is not 2 pages long either. It's also not 137 pages long. No, this thing is now four hundred and fifty one pages long. 451!!! 22,500% more pages than the original 2. 451 pages. By the time I finish reading the damn thing, the economy will have collapsed AND fixed itself by then! Are you kidding me?!? What the hell is in those 451 pages?!? Actually, forget about that for a minute. How was Rosh Hashanah?

I don't know if I have the stomach for it all in one post. It might have to be divided into two. But let me just say this: Those 451 pages? They're not ALL about the giving financial assistance to the companies that loaned out money for mortgages to people who couldn't afford to pay them back. No, that's what it was supposed to be about. But since not enough of our fine, fine Representatives could come together and agree on passing the bill, they needed to come up with ways that might sway some to change their vote to yes. So they did that by throwing a bunch of other things into this bill as well that have absolutely nothing to do whatsoever with this bill nor with the outcome of the economy. They just figured that if they pandered to some people's desires, projects, and wants that they might be persuaded to vote yes the next time around. Hmmmmm......see, for those of us NOT currently serving in the House, there's a name for that. It's called bribery. You selfish, self serving, rat bastard, weaselly snakes.

Yeah, I was right. This has to be two posts. I need to go yak somewhere. But I am hereby formally advocating to just clean House (literally) and start over. All of the members of the House are up for re-election in November. (Just one of many reasons that some had for voting "no" the first time around for this TARP thing. ) I am formally advocating the voting for every challenger to every incumbent seat in the House. I don't care who they are. All of those who are currently in office over there need to go. Yesterday. Throw them all out and start over. I don't care who the challenger is either. Communist? I'll vote for 'em. Homeless dude? Sure. Your dog? Yes. All of them. I will be voting for every single challenger to House seats out there. If ANY of these bozos are re-elected, you have to wonder WHO the people are who voted for them AGAIN. It's like when I hear that Congress has an 11% approval rating. I don't immediately think, "Wow, they suck." But that's because I already know that. I immediately think, "Who in the hell are you 11% that think that they are doing a good job?! Who are YOU?!?!"

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