Sunday, October 19, 2008

Willy Stop With The Melamine?

Nothing from China is safe anymore. And nothing is safe from things from China anymore either. First what was it? Our pet food? Yep, melamine-y kibble all over the place. Then what? I think next was cheap toothpaste normally given to inmates in our overcrowded jails and prisons. (OK, no one was really all that broken up over that one, but we know that we have to act like it's real bad anyway.) Then we had Chinese candy with melamine-y goodness and then in China they had infant formula fortified with melamine that killed four babies and made over 54,000 babies sick. And no one wants that, even for the little children of Far East Communists.

But for some people, they have a whole new set of worries. According to the folks over there at the Mail Online, melamine has once again infiltrated a mainstream product. OK, maybe not mainstream-mainstream. But there is kind of a main stream involved here. Not necessarily when the product is in use (hopefully), but moreso in regard to what the product is used on. Either way, take note. Because if you are a fan of the 'Chocolate-flavoured Willy Spread' made by the Chinese company by the name of 'Le Bang', please discontinue spreading said chocolate goo on your penis. Wait. What? Actually, WTF?!

Correct. According to the Mail Online folks, "Sex shops have been forced to remove a novelty chocolate spread from their shelves over fears that it may contain a toxic chemical." (Well, that can't be good.) The dreaded melamine has reared it's ugly head once again! (Oh, come on. Yes, pun intended. Are you kidding me?) The chain store Ann Summers (whose slogan is "It's a business doing pleasure with you". Catchy.) has removed thousands of cans of the sex enhancing treat from their shelves after learning that tests showed a melamine level over 100 times above the limits set by the European commission. (Set by the European commission of what, exactly? Chemical level limits within penile sex spreads? An entire commission devoted to that cause? I really can't imagine. But they do tend overdo things a bit in Europe, so maybe. Who knows?)

Melamine, aside from being a harsh chemical in and of itself, contains things like formaldehyde. That's the stuff they use when they are embalming dead bodies so as to preserve them until the funeral can be held and then they can be lowered down for their final dirt nap. Now, while I don't even have one, I cannot fathom wanting to dip it in formaldehyde under the guise of "great sex!" It just doesn't seem worth it to me. And, as one who technically could be on the receiving end of said preserved penis (and I use the technically term very, very loosely), no thanks. I'm not even going to explain why, you just keep that thing all melamined up and away from me if you would.

But wait! There's (sadly) more! That's right, there are more, yes, more sex products with unacceptable levels of melamine within. So not only do you have to chuck your Chocolate Willy Spread, you're also going to be going without a chocolate nipple spread! Yes! A similar 'Chocolate-flavoured Willy Spread' (Similar?! There are TWO Chocolate Flavoured Willy Spreads making their way around Europe? I'm not even familiar with ONE chocolate spread for FOOD here in the US, let alone for willies!), and a package that contains a chocolate-flavoured " 'I love you' body pen". (Body pen, eh? What's that for? Writing directions? Labeling things - Tab A, Slot B? I don't get it. In more ways than one. Yeah, thanks for that.)

So, they're spreading chocolate all over their nipples, their willy, (probably their wonka as well) and now they're drawing all over each other. I have this really perverted version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory running through my head right now. It's not good. (Those poor Oompa-Loompahs.) But according to the Europeans, that chocolate stuff is. But don't go getting all frisky now, because it'll preserve your willy. And not in a good way. Just remember the difference between the willy, the wonka and the wanker and everything will be....well, not really fine, but OK, I suppose.


According to something called the FSA (Food Sex Additives?), they "had never previously had to call for the withdrawal of products of this kind." (Insert "withdrawal" joke here. Then insert "insert" joke here.) "This is a first. We've never had to put out an alert before on willy spread, chocolate-flavoured or otherwise," said a spokesman who I'm sure was just thrilled to death about issuing that declaration. (What other flavors are there? And why is it a "spread"? Wouldn't a squeeze tube be more convenient in the having food covered sex arena? Perhaps a spritzer spray? So, SO many questions.) The spokesman also said that "Anyone who had used the products had little to worry about, adding: 'The risk from these products is very low and it's very unlikely to be harmful." Which is why they are immediately removing every single one of them from every shelf out there and ordering them to be destroyed in some sort of underground incinerator. So I've heard. (Or not.) But just out of sheer curiosity, what do you suppose the "little to worry about" actually is? Because I'm thinking that if you just spread some toxic chemical masquerading as chocolate all over your willy (masquerading as a cake needing icing), you're going to worry a lot, in spite of what the FSA tells you. It's not their willy; what do they care?

Don't worry. I'll find pictures somewhere. I promise! But in the meantime, no chocolate willy spread for you, your willy or your nipples for the time being!

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