Tuesday, October 7, 2008

When Karma Bites You In The Ass

I suppose by now, saying that OJ Simpson has to be one of the dumbest people, if not the dumbest person, on the planet is the understated overstatement of the day. Regardless, I shall elaborate for a few. Fortunately, this won't go on for much longer. He goes in for sentencing on December 5th and after the length of time that his sorry ass will be off of the golf course (finally) is announced and he is whisked off to prison, then the world can enjoy itself knowing that, at least for a little while, it is OJ-free!

Talk about a moron. And talk about bitch-slapping karma in the face and not thinking that it's going to come back to bite you in the ass. Seriously, if any normal person had been acquitted of nearly decapitating two individuals when it was clearly obvious that the person was guilty, you'd think that they would live the rest of their life in a cocoon out of the public eye. (Then again, a "normal person" wouldn't "normally" go around lopping off noggins. Perhaps not so much a poor choice of words, but rather oxymoronic ones. Oh, look, "moronic" rears it's head again. I see a theme.) You would have to know that you, quite literally and no less than twice, got away with murder. When that happens, you should do one of two things. Either live the life of a reclusive monk and never be seen in public again or live the life of a reclusive monk who only goes out in public to buy lottery tickets. Because with the kind of luck that he was handed back in 1995, if that were you, you have to admit you'd be picking a few Powerball numbers just to see what happens, you know?

Oh, but not Einstein here. No, he decides to flaunt his new found and unexplainable freedom after his infamous acquittal by golfing daily (on municipal courses, because no private golf club, country club, etc. would have him. For some reason I find that highly amusing. Not implying justice was served because he has to rake his own sand trap, but amusing none the less.) and hanging out with your basic thugs over the course of the past 13 years. And really, who else would hang out with him other than thugs? Well, lawyers, but that's about it.

And the biggest indicator (other than just that he's OJ) that he is a complete moron who is so self centered, so self important, so egotistical and so narcissistic (not to mention a sociopathic double murderer) that he had actually planned, according to the gamble-y folks over there at the Las Vegas Review, get this, an acquittal party for when he was (you got it) acquitted of the latest round of charges. An acquittal party. I see. (I wonder if there were going to be party favors. You know, black knit watchman's caps as gift bags that are filled with leather gloves, 8x10 glossy photos of Kato Kaelin, Bruno Magli "ugly ass shoes", etc.)

He apparently thought that it was going to be a hung jury. How? How exactly could he have thought that? Did he really think that a jury was not going to be able to agree one way or the other on a case where the entire interaction that was the crime amounted to less than 9 minutes AND it's a proven and stated fact that he WAS there? OJ, you thought they weren't going to be able to come to a consensus on THAT, but they were able to come to a (ridiculous) consensus in the case of two nearly headless victims that you supposedly (did) butcher? Clearly, your fantasy world is just that. Your own fantasy.

Speaking of his little fantasies, here's a family portrait of the cast of characters involved in this fiasco. Fine looking group, don't you think?

Could they look any more like losers? That dude to the right of OJ looks like a cross between John Goodman and Droopy Dog. And most of them look a little bit too old to be caught up in this sort of thing, don't you think? In a couple of more years if they're still into this sort of lifestyle, they're going to be beating down the hotel doors with their canes and walkers.

As long as I'm on the subject of OJ's own virtual surreality, meet his sister, Carmelita Durio:

As you can tell, Carmelita is not happy with the verdict. Nor is her mustard shirted, strained and constipated looking, hug-support dude there. (Wait a minute. Carmelita? And Orenthal? What was his mother smoking when she named them? And come on, Orenthal James? You give the guy a first name like Orenthal and then you go with James for the middle name? Why not something equally as wacky? Like Orenthal Jamequa or something like that? James. Wow. I have to find out what Carmelita's middle name is now. Probably Sue.) But she's still not as unhappy as OJ is here (and why wouldn't he be? He's going to miss his own party now.)

You know, I look at that picture above and I just think "Wah." Well, that and "It's about freaking time." At least one jury got it right. And they are defending themselves and their verdict that they reached because of course, the question of whether or not he got a fair trial because the entire jury was white has been brought up. Fortunately, one of the jurors reminded people that they were chosen and agreed upon by both sides. Therefore, if you want to blame the jury, start with the people who put it together, namely the prosecution and the defense.


The jurors also said that they couldn't believe anything any of the witnesses said, so they went strictly by the evidence. There were tape recordings of all of the hooplah going on in the $35 a night hotel room and OJ is (apparently) clearly heard and thus, sealing his own pathetic fate. All for some of Joe Montana's cleats, Pete Rose baseballs and OJ stuff (not sure what that entails. Footballs, maybe? Knives?). Even Montana's cleats don't make it all worth it.


And as we all sit around and not give a crap about how long OJ will be in jail until his sentencing hearing (after which he will likely be transferred to the state prison system), the sunny folks over at the Las Vegas Sun have provided pictures (that were provided to them by the brave folks at the Metro Police) of OJ's new living quarters.













Fancy. Doesn't look like there's going to be a whole lot of room in there for him to work on his golf swing (nor take a dump). I'm going to give him about a year tops before he actually starts cracking up. He's pretty good at disillusioning himself, so I don't think it will happen much before then. But after he realizes what an idiot (not to mention a killer. Twice.) he is and once it sinks in that this time, unlike before (during The Trial of the DeNogginizer), he will not be going home/free any time soon. And the only person that's going to be upset about this aside from himself (eventually) is ol' Carmelita up there. She looks like she'll be sobbing clear through next summer. Or maybe not. But I only say that because after the verdict was read and after she sobbed for a bit, she couldn't take it anymore and just fainted. Poor Carmelita. You're going to have to make do for the rest of whatever without your scumbag brother. And thank goodness, you're not the only one. The rest of the world is looking forward to the day when it's a day without OJ.

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