Sunday, October 26, 2008

I Don't Want Those Recycled


And just as I had predicted, the "go green" movement has chartered itself into, well, previously unchartered territory. And I can't really say that we're better off for it, either. It's hard to say. (Pun SO not intended. You'll understand here in a moment.) I'd really like to know who came up with this idea or how they came up with this idea or why they ever shared it with anyone. Ever. From our friends across the pond the Times Online we learn that "Two million sex toys are sold in the UK every year. That's a lot of landfill..." Do you see what's coming? (Dammit! Pun not intended! It's not!) That's right. The folks who are all a-twitter (now that was intentional!) over there at lovehoney.co.uk have implemented what they bill as "The world's first sex toy recycling scheme!" (Only. Please. Please tell me it's the only sex toy recycling scheme.)

While I don't know if it is actually the only one in the world, it's the only one that I've ever freaking heard about. Are you kidding me? These Love Honey folks claim to make an annual donation to the World Land Trust. (The word "trust" in the title implies what you're supposed to be doing with a company that you know nothing about that is claiming to help lower carbon or shmarbon or something like that that's in the air that is one day going to smother us all. If it does, can it do it now? I'm really sick of all of the election stuff.) Every time you donate your :::gulp:::: used vibrator ::::gulp:::: to Love Honey they will donate £ 1 to the World Land Trust and, in turn, they buy wilderness areas which are "protected indefinitely as private reserves owned and managed by local organisations for the benefit of both wildlife and people." (£ 1?? That's it? What does buy you? A leaf?)

So far to date, the World Land Trust claims to have "...been able to purchase and protect more than 350,000 acres of tropical forest and other threatened habitats." That is a heck of a lot of vibrating Europeans, let me just tell you. But what becomes of the vibrators after you donate them to an organization which promises to take that carbon emitting sex toy you've been playing with for years (and years) and turn evil into good? Here's where the science comes in. ("Science" is for lack of a better word. It's really not very scientific-y. It's weird, but not weird science.)

The program is called "Rabbit Amnesty" and as cute as that name sounds, it has little to nothing at all to do with bunnies. Nope, the "Rabbit" is code for "vibrator which once made an appearance on "Sex and the City" in 1998 and subsequently became the world's number one selling sex toy. It is also still the world's number one selling sex toy. Eight years later. (Good Lord, ladies. How about a date once in a while?)

Their website says that "New recycling regulations mean that all electrical equipment - including sex toys! - must be disposed of at a designated electrical waste collection centre. This means that you shouldn't just chuck your dead vibrator in the kitchen bin!" Well, I should hope not! (There would just be something wrong about seeing a dead vibrator in the garbage with coffee grounds and chicken bones. It wasn't meant for that. Ever.) They promise to
  • Carefully dispose of your old vibrator (How carefully? Like a Haz-Mat suit? Seems extreme.)
  • Ensure as much of it is recycled as possible (Nothing personal, but I don't really want them to be recycled, as in "cycled to be used again!" I don't think anyone does, actually.)

  • Donate £1 to a green charity.

  • Send you a new Rabbit vibrator at half price! (Well, that is good news!)

How do you know if it's the right time to recycle the li'l guy? (Or gal. Your choice. I won't judge. But you can't either.) Here are some signs that ol' Shaky vonScream SomeMore is on the way out:

  • Has been around the block a few times (Why is it going around the block? Are you walking it like your dog? If so, that's wrong.)
  • Is more dog-eared than rabbit-eared (Again with the dogs! Dogs? Rabbits? What the hell is going on over there in Europe?)
  • May contain harmful chemicals (You'll know if it does if your nether regions begin basking in a luminous green glow as you're basking in your afterglow.
  • Must be disposed of carefully (You're going to want to do a lot of things with that carefully. Really, it's vibrating all over the place, you're not thinking straight, it's a recipe for disaster if you're reckless about the whole ordeal. That Haz-Mat suit is sounding better and better.)

So if you'd like to help the environment in this manner, please don't tell me about it. But here's what you're in for. First, you need to take what they call "The Rabbit Amnesty Pledge." You must raise your right hand (when you're finished, please! Yes, you're going to have to put that down for a moment!) and take this pledge:


  • I pledge to recycle my tired old rabbit vibrator with the LoveHoney Rabbit Amnesty.
  • I pledge to dispose of my electrical equipment properly at an electrical waste collection centre.
  • I pledge to tell my friends about the importance of the disposing of electrical waste, including vibrators, properly.
  • I pledge to take good care of my Rabbit Amnesty Rabbit Vibrator and clean it hygienically after every use.
  • I pledge not to leave the batteries in my Rabbit Amnesty Rabbit Vibrator when it is not in use.
  • I pledge not to chuck my used electrical equipment, including sex toys, in the bin!

Seems like they're asking kind of a lot there. I mean, much more of a commitment and you might as well marry the damn thing. (Though, I've known a few people who were or are currently married to human dildos, so I guess that wouldn't really matter in this instance.) Is there some sort of stray, discarded dildo build-up on the European streets over there or something? Why do they keep mentioning that part about not throwing it away with your household refuse?

Look, I might not know a heck of a lot about this stuff (Stop laughing! Especially you!) but I do know that I find it odd that one sex toy would equal one European pound which, in turn, can be used to buy some piece of land somewhere that is not going to allow anything to touch it. (And that's really a fine idea because, as you can probably gather, there's an awful lot of touching going on here already.) I'm not exactly sure how that's going to help the environment, other than it may be used as a refuge one day when the rest of the planet is uninhabitable. Seems to me like a better solution would be instead of throwing your sex toys out, all pell mell everywhere, and needing to go buy more and more and more (which was the last thing you said to your sex toy, I realize that. Yes, the irony. May I continue?) what say you find one or two that you really like and commit to them for an extended period of time? That way you don't have the sexual stimulator surplus stores cranking out thousand and thousands of new ones all the time, but your own personal sexual stimulator will keep on cranking stuff out for you all the time. Seems like a fair trade.

I'm glad that's all cleared up. Oh, and I even figured out what the deal is in regard to the earlier dog references, too! Good to know, too.

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2 comments:

Alice Amplified said...

Is that Ariel from the Little Mermaid at the top of this post? Dont you tell me that Ariel is using sex toys.....

Oh, the HUMANITY!!

Mare said...

That would be Miss Love Honey herself. Or is it Miss Honey Love? Love Honey Miss? Honey Miss Love? Rock Paper Scissors? Huey Dewey Louie? Larry Curly Moe? Look, it ain't the Little Mermaid, alright?! (That would give a whole new meaning to 'Under the Sea'.)