- He said he was "taking full responsibility (because you're making me) for my actions and the pain I have caused my wife Terry and my daughter Bailey." (Notice how they always leave off the part about "because I was caught". Every. Time.)
- He said that "No marriage is perfect (and mine is an example of a very imperfect marriage!), but our private life is our private life" (Not any more!) "and I am sorry (sorry for yourself) that these allegations have caused embarrassment and heartache." (I liked it much better when I could go and do my mistress without anyone else knowing about it.)
- "I would have come forward earlier but making sure my family is ok is far more important than any political career." (And my wife was so busy railing on me after she found out that I couldn't even leave the room!)
- I think the people of my District know that I am a fighter (or another f-word that comes to mind) and I am not going to allow this story coming out 20 days before an election to change my resolve to serve the people of the 16th Congressional District. (We didn't think much would change about you. You're pretty much going to be the same slimeball that you have been. Only difference is that now everyone knows it, whereas before only you knew it.)
- I have worked hard (at hiding this from everyone) and I am prepared (I have no choice) to put my faith in the people (hope beyond hope) and ask for their vote (beg like a starving stray dog).
Look, if someone wants to cheat on their wife, it sucks, but that's their deal. But when they're in the public eye and when they're supposed to be a trusted public servant the water starts to get a little bit murky as to whether or not the choices that they make in their personal life should be a factor in whether or not they are competent to do their very public job. Hard to say. Although, in Mahorny's case, there is an ethics investigation going on to find out if he paid off one (yes, one. As in, he had more than one woman that he was affair-ing with) of his extra curricular activities with $121,000 of campaign funds. They really frown upon stuff like that. That right there makes him not a good person to be holding a public office.
But there's something about the hypocrisy of the circumstances surrounding how he was able to have a chance to even get elected at all. That being the whole Mark Foley is chasing pages around the Capital building issue and Mahorny touting himself as this faithful, God loving, family man when, in reality, he was an unfaithful, loving God-knows-who, liar. Oh, and vilifying Mark Foley while he was doing all of that. (Did Foley deserve to be vilified? Probably? Did he deserve to be vilified by Tim Mahoney? Probably not.) Something about the blatant hypocrisy just makes it harder to .... I was going to say "swallow", but I'm going to say "take" instead. It makes it harder to take.
So I'm officially announcing that I am ready, willing and able for that Affair Admitting Speechwriter and Press Conference Organizer position as soon as it is available. See earlier blog posts for relevant qualifications. (Also, note the sarcastic tone and witty banter present throughout. It's sure to elevate me far above any other applicants that manage to express interest before I was able to kick them in the shins to stop them from stealing my thunder.)
Side note: In my quest for this non-existent dream job of mine, I think I shall somehow incorporate pink into the whole ordeal. Not sure if it's because it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month or just because I've developed a fondness for it lately. It's probably the latter, but the former is a good reason as well.