Thursday, October 16, 2008

Sorry For Being Caught

I'll tell you what, if a particular job ever has an available slot to be filled (and provided that this particular job I'll be referring to actually exists, which I don't think it really does and that's a shame because oh, oh, oh, what a great job it would be) I want to know how to get on the short list of candidates for that job. From what I envision (again, if such a post actually exists) the job is totally cush, totally easy and you can just recycle the material that you come up with time and time again for various clients and it will always be applicable and "effective". The job I want? Public statement writer and press conference coordinator for politicians that get busted having affairs.

I'm telling you, that is the gig for me! Congressmen, Senators, some ex-Presidents, mayors, governors, all of 'em. So, so, SO many of them just a-screwin' around (usually on their wives. I'm not saying that the women politicians don't have affairs, I'm just saying that it's usually the men who we hear about and, quite honestly, I can't think of any women who have had to publicly come clean after their affair was found out. I don't know that it means that they're smarter or sneaker, but I do know it doesn't mean that they're more moral than the men. Heck, no. Married women can be just as trampy as married men can be, don't think that they can't be. Sluts. Most of 'em. Well, the politician ones. My, but I digress. Where was I?). And then they get busted somehow. Whether their prostitution vendor of choice gets busted and their name is found to be all over the client scheduling list, or whether their mistress scorned goes to the press with their tawdry affair (Lesson Number One of Having An Affair: Never scorn a mistress.), somehow they eventually get busted. And when they do you see the following scene:

A politician attempting to look remorseful, humble and shamed (when really he's a little pissed off that his favorite afternoon snack has just been discontinued) stands behind a podium. Standing behind the politician is the somber and cheated on wife. I don't know why the wife is always there. I'm assuming it's because the politician can't trot out his dog to do that, but I don't see why not. That's kind of the representation, that of the loyal pet, that the wife is portraying by just standing there, eyes looking down, her sullen expression frozen on her face. This is a phenomenon that, from what I can tell, only occurs in politics. Personally, I do not know too many married individuals who, if they found out their spouse was cheating on them, would stand there, in PUBLIC, by their side, not saying A WORD and let them give their emotionless, unapologetic apology to the media. No WAY. Not ONE person that I know or that I have heard of would just be completely silent upon learning that their spouse was banging someone else. And someone else. For months. (I'm longing for the day when one of those women just jumps in front of the cheating loser and starts screaming at him in front of the media. It will happen. It has to. I pray that it does!)

So why can't I be the speechwriter for these guys? I'll write one speech (well, OK, I'll just write down the one that they already use, but I'll use a different font and everything so that it looks original) and I'll make a bunch of copies and have them laminated and hand them out to everyone when they take office. It can be part of their welcome package. I'll also hand them on in smaller, wallet sized versions, so that they can study them in their free time. To sweeten the deal, I'll even throw in a diagram of where their wife is supposed to stand in relation to themselves at the press conference that they will inevitably be holding one day while reading the speech that I changed fonts on and passed off as my own.

If I had thought of this sooner, my first client could have been Tim Mahoney (or Mahorny. Whichever one helps you remember that he's a pig.). Tim Mahoney would have been the perfect guy to have as a first client because he truly possesses all of the necessary traits for someone who has been as stupid as he was. He's married. He's a cheating pig. He's unremorseful. He's a jerk to those who he was cheating on his wife with (I say "those" because there was apparently more than one. See? First client material right there!). He can give a monotone speech while pretending to apologize. And, overall, he's a jackass. It's perfect! I can hand him the little laminated card and give him a pep talk that would go something like, "Here you go. Remember, no intonation in your voice. Do not, I repeat, do not sound like you are sorry. Make sure you throw in all of the fake apology references to your family. Don't admit directly to anything. Oh! And don't forget the part about how it's now a "private matter" and you and your family want to be left alone. Make sure you throw in at least one "incredibly difficult time". Got it? All rightee. Now go out there and lie your ass off!" Then I shove him toward the podium and collect my check while he's fake apologizing.

I want that job sooooo bad! And this Mahoney guy is the perfect jackass to write unremorseful drivel for! It doesn't get any better than this! Tim Mahoney, (Democrat, Flori-DUH) is the guy who ran for Mark Foley's seat. Mark Foley, as you may or may not choose to remember, was the guy who was sending sexually explicit text messages to at least one 16-year old male former page. So when it became clear that Foley's seat was going to be up for grabs, Mahoney ran for it. A story that ran in the Tampa Bay Times reported that "Family values is a concern for Mahoney, a Methodist who has been married for 21 years and has a 20-year-old daughter." During his campaign he did a commercial with Senator Bob Graham. In the commercial, Graham says that Mahorny "is a man of 'faith, family and personal responsibility'." He goes on to say that "Tim Mahoney will help end the fraud, waste and corruption in Washington." And he apparently did that by moving it to Flori-DUH. And the topper for that is that there's a picture of Mahorny standing next to a church. (No mention of whose playing his organ at his church.) So this guy is not afraid to go all out and be a complete and total hypocrite in every aspect of his life! Excellent!

Basically, this is what he said during his media extravaganza, one stop, fake remorse tour:
  • He said he was "taking full responsibility (because you're making me) for my actions and the pain I have caused my wife Terry and my daughter Bailey." (Notice how they always leave off the part about "because I was caught". Every. Time.)

  • He said that "No marriage is perfect (and mine is an example of a very imperfect marriage!), but our private life is our private life" (Not any more!) "and I am sorry (sorry for yourself) that these allegations have caused embarrassment and heartache." (I liked it much better when I could go and do my mistress without anyone else knowing about it.)

  • "I would have come forward earlier but making sure my family is ok is far more important than any political career." (And my wife was so busy railing on me after she found out that I couldn't even leave the room!)

  • I think the people of my District know that I am a fighter (or another f-word that comes to mind) and I am not going to allow this story coming out 20 days before an election to change my resolve to serve the people of the 16th Congressional District. (We didn't think much would change about you. You're pretty much going to be the same slimeball that you have been. Only difference is that now everyone knows it, whereas before only you knew it.)

  • I have worked hard (at hiding this from everyone) and I am prepared (I have no choice) to put my faith in the people (hope beyond hope) and ask for their vote (beg like a starving stray dog).

Look, if someone wants to cheat on their wife, it sucks, but that's their deal. But when they're in the public eye and when they're supposed to be a trusted public servant the water starts to get a little bit murky as to whether or not the choices that they make in their personal life should be a factor in whether or not they are competent to do their very public job. Hard to say. Although, in Mahorny's case, there is an ethics investigation going on to find out if he paid off one (yes, one. As in, he had more than one woman that he was affair-ing with) of his extra curricular activities with $121,000 of campaign funds. They really frown upon stuff like that. That right there makes him not a good person to be holding a public office.

But there's something about the hypocrisy of the circumstances surrounding how he was able to have a chance to even get elected at all. That being the whole Mark Foley is chasing pages around the Capital building issue and Mahorny touting himself as this faithful, God loving, family man when, in reality, he was an unfaithful, loving God-knows-who, liar. Oh, and vilifying Mark Foley while he was doing all of that. (Did Foley deserve to be vilified? Probably? Did he deserve to be vilified by Tim Mahoney? Probably not.) Something about the blatant hypocrisy just makes it harder to .... I was going to say "swallow", but I'm going to say "take" instead. It makes it harder to take.

So I'm officially announcing that I am ready, willing and able for that Affair Admitting Speechwriter and Press Conference Organizer position as soon as it is available. See earlier blog posts for relevant qualifications. (Also, note the sarcastic tone and witty banter present throughout. It's sure to elevate me far above any other applicants that manage to express interest before I was able to kick them in the shins to stop them from stealing my thunder.)

Side note: In my quest for this non-existent dream job of mine, I think I shall somehow incorporate pink into the whole ordeal. Not sure if it's because it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month or just because I've developed a fondness for it lately. It's probably the latter, but the former is a good reason as well.

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