Monday, October 20, 2008

Chocolate-y Melamine-y Photo Goodness

Success! In the previous post, I did my public service by alerting all eight of you who read this (and the undetermined number of you who the announcement would actually apply to) to the fact that the European based Food Standards Agency announced a "Food Alert: For Information" (what are the other choices? For fun?) which declared that "...certain varieties of novelty products have been tested in the UK and found to be contaminated with melamine." The "novelty products" in question are a "Chocolate Flavoured Willy Spread" (chocolate to spread upon one's willy), "Chocolate Flavoured Nipple Spread" (chocolate to spread upon one's nipples) and a "I Love You - Pen Set" which contains a "chocolate body pen and a strawberry body pen" (both 40 grams and used to write upon one's body). Strangely enough, the Food Alert did not end with the words "What the hell?"

Sadly, in the previous post I had been unable to locate photos of these "novelty product" items. I, for one, was unfamiliar with any sort of food-for-sex accessory that was in the form of a "spread'. Actually, when I first read "chocolate flavoured nipple spread" what popped into my head was, "Oh, my God! It's made out of nipples?!?!" Fortunately, it was and is not. But that just goes to show how unfamiliar with these things I am. (The accessories. I'm unfamiliar with the accessories. The sex? :::sigh::: Sadly, I'm a little unfamiliar with that these days as well.)

But no need for sadness as photos of said novelties have been located! Woo-hoo! First up, the "Chocolate Flavoured Nipple Spread " and the "Chocolate Flavoured Willy Spread". Behold! Chocolate goo infused with chemical-y melamine that you can spread on your willy and nipples but shouldn't!

Oh, good God, what the hell is that?!? They weren't kidding when they called it a "spread"! It even comes with a little looks-like-it's-made-out-of-silver knife! Seemingly one commonly used to spread cheese on crackers during holiday times of joy. Am I the only one who thinks the whole thing is a little weird? Hey, you out there with the willy! How do you feel about having a little knife run all over your precious little willy there? Kind of brings forth the image of those old time barbers with their straight razor that they're sharpening on some long strap, doesn't it? You still think that's a good idea, willy holders? Anyone? Yeah, that's what I thought. The knife should best be left for the cheeses and not for the willies ('cause that's what it gives you just thinking about it. Ew.).

It would seem that really the only difference between the spread for willies and the spread for nipples is the color of the packaging. The directions on the packaging is the same for both. And I'm not so sure that I'd really go with the term "directions" for these. They're more like "warnings" or like a friendly "just so you know". It doesn't seem like the sort of thing that you would put on a package of something that you're hoping for people will want to pay money for.

Here's what I mean: The package has these "announcements" for the willy and nipple spread purchasers.

  • With a silver spreading knife! (Yeah, that'll class it up a bit. Sure.)

  • INSTRUCTIONS: Warm the knife before spreading: Cold steel can have a shrinking effect. (Good to know. Good to know.)

  • MICROWAVABLE: After warming, check for correct temperature by using "scream" test. (Oh, my God! The "scream" test?! Are you kidding me?! I might not have a willy, but as all of us do, I am in possession of a couple of nipples and I'd prefer not to have any sort of testing done on them that involves screaming. Good Lord. How hot!)

  • NEVER OVER SHARPEN BLADE! Especially if used by those who are prone to: Sneezing attacks, nervous ticks, slashing fantasies, or dead drunk! (First of all, I think only animals can have "nervous ticks"; probably "nervous fleas" too. But who has a "slashing fantasy" that involves a three inch, cold, metal, not over sharpened blade that comes along side a small tub of chocolate flavoured goo intended to be spread upon the male nether regions?! Who are they slashing? Lilliputians? The seven dwarfs? What would you slash with something that small other than your unopened mail? And "sneezing attacks"? Are the folks who use this implement doing so in a room that is particularly dust filled? Are they having their spreadable chocolate goo sex in a pepper factory? Who is this warning for?!)

All right, that's just weird. I'm sure they're trying to be funny and cute-sy and all, but when talking about items that could cause harm, damage and lack of mobility to one's penile unit, it's really not all that amusing, I would imagine. And while I don't know what the sales numbers of food-sex items are in Europe, if they're pulling thousands of packages off of the shelves, I'd be inclined to think that most of the male Europeans have had their penis dipped in chocolate at one point or another during their lifetime. And that is most disconcerting. Not to mention extremely question provoking. Why chocolate? Why not jam? (Seedless, of course.)

Then there's the matter of the melamine-y body pens in chocolate and in strawberry. Those packages tell the potential purchaser that they will be able to "write a delicious love message" and then "slowly and sexually eat your words!" Now, maybe I'm just thinking a little bit different here, but to me, the thought of a "delicious love message" conjured up images of my coming home to a note on the refrigerator that says "Went to buy alcohol. Dinner is in the oven. I made pie for dessert. Love, (insert any name here, just as long as they won't leave and have me end up bitter and alone)." Now that is a "delicious love message" if I've ever read one. Alcohol? Delicious. Homemade dinner? Delicious. Pie? DEeeee-licious! Love? Love sucks, but if it didn't, it'd be delicious also! And the whole thing is a message, so I'm not sure why those folks want to use the melamine-y chocolate pens, but it's probably because they're European. Always doing things the hard way. (Pun intended.)

So, what have we learned? Waaaayy too much if you're asking me, but we'll review anyway.

European males are fearless creatures with a bit of a sweet tooth who are not fearful in the least bit about having a sharp (but not over sharp) knife spread an edible chocolate paste over their penile unit as an optional pre-fornication ritual. Europeans in general have a very different idea than I do of what a "delicious love message" consists of, as mine involves pie and theirs does not. Then again, their "delicious love message" was probably wrote by someone who hasn't left them yet, so touche`, Europe! Touche`.

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