A Bunch Of Hot Air

Oh-so-enlightened Europe. Please. Please show us the way to the promised land. What's that? You say that it involves the banning of children from blowing up balloons? They can't blow whistles either? Even at parties? Oh. Especially at parties. OK, then. Yeah, never mind.

According to our friends across the pond at The Telegraph, "The EU toy safety directive, agreed and implemented by Government, states that balloons must not be blown up by unsupervised children under the age of eight, in case they accidentally swallow them and choke." In case they choke? From blowing up a balloon? How would that happen...exactly? And what is up with the age of eight cutoff? What happens after eight that makes you no longer vulnerable to that little piece of latex?

And all of those rhetorical technicalities aside, here's the real question: Were so many children, apparently under the age of eight, choking and dying as a result of unsupervised balloon inflation that there needed to be a law enacted? Of course not! But there could be. And according to some member of the EU (who probably wanted to remain anonymous because even he/she knows how asinine this is) These safety standards have been agreed by...in order to prevent every parent's worst nightmare." Oh, for cryin' out loud.

You can't ban everything that might result in "every parent's worst nightmare" because if you did, you'd have to ban everything! That's why they're called "accidents". They will happen in one form or another. Not blowing up balloons is not the issue! But the EU seems to think that it is the balloons AND other things that are an issue. For instance, they have also done the following:

Imposed "...restrictions on how noisy toys, including rattles or musical instruments, are allowed to be."

"All teddie bears meant for children under the age of three will now have to be fully washable because EU regulators are concerned that dirty cuddly toys could spread disease and infection."

And...

"Whistle blowers, that scroll out into a a long coloured paper tongue when sounded...are now classed as unsafe for all children under 14."

AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!


And there is clearly no reasoning with these people, as one EU official (again, not being named for fear of being tarred and feathered by angry villagers) was quoted as saying, "You might say that small children have been blowing up balloons for generations, but not anymore and they will be safer for it." What does he mean I "might say" that children have been blowing up balloons for generations? Yes, of course I would say that...because they have! And are they really going to be "safer" because of this asinine law? I doubt it. According to the CPSC (The US Consumer Product Safety Commission), since 1973, 110 children have died as a result of suffocation involving an uninflated balloon or a piece of a balloon. That's 38 years. That's barely 3 kids per year. I'm pretty sure that anything with that low of an incident rate is nothing that you're going to be able to fix with a law. If there were scores of children dying from uninflated balloons, perhaps I could see the need. But this is nothing more than just crappy luck. And as hard as they try, they can't regulate good luck. Thus, I'd really appreciate it if they'd stop acting like they can.

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Chocolate-y Melamine-y Photo Goodness

Success! In the previous post, I did my public service by alerting all eight of you who read this (and the undetermined number of you who the announcement would actually apply to) to the fact that the European based Food Standards Agency announced a "Food Alert: For Information" (what are the other choices? For fun?) which declared that "...certain varieties of novelty products have been tested in the UK and found to be contaminated with melamine." The "novelty products" in question are a "Chocolate Flavoured Willy Spread" (chocolate to spread upon one's willy), "Chocolate Flavoured Nipple Spread" (chocolate to spread upon one's nipples) and a "I Love You - Pen Set" which contains a "chocolate body pen and a strawberry body pen" (both 40 grams and used to write upon one's body). Strangely enough, the Food Alert did not end with the words "What the hell?"

Sadly, in the previous post I had been unable to locate photos of these "novelty product" items. I, for one, was unfamiliar with any sort of food-for-sex accessory that was in the form of a "spread'. Actually, when I first read "chocolate flavoured nipple spread" what popped into my head was, "Oh, my God! It's made out of nipples?!?!" Fortunately, it was and is not. But that just goes to show how unfamiliar with these things I am. (The accessories. I'm unfamiliar with the accessories. The sex? :::sigh::: Sadly, I'm a little unfamiliar with that these days as well.)

But no need for sadness as photos of said novelties have been located! Woo-hoo! First up, the "Chocolate Flavoured Nipple Spread " and the "Chocolate Flavoured Willy Spread". Behold! Chocolate goo infused with chemical-y melamine that you can spread on your willy and nipples but shouldn't!

Oh, good God, what the hell is that?!? They weren't kidding when they called it a "spread"! It even comes with a little looks-like-it's-made-out-of-silver knife! Seemingly one commonly used to spread cheese on crackers during holiday times of joy. Am I the only one who thinks the whole thing is a little weird? Hey, you out there with the willy! How do you feel about having a little knife run all over your precious little willy there? Kind of brings forth the image of those old time barbers with their straight razor that they're sharpening on some long strap, doesn't it? You still think that's a good idea, willy holders? Anyone? Yeah, that's what I thought. The knife should best be left for the cheeses and not for the willies ('cause that's what it gives you just thinking about it. Ew.).

It would seem that really the only difference between the spread for willies and the spread for nipples is the color of the packaging. The directions on the packaging is the same for both. And I'm not so sure that I'd really go with the term "directions" for these. They're more like "warnings" or like a friendly "just so you know". It doesn't seem like the sort of thing that you would put on a package of something that you're hoping for people will want to pay money for.

Here's what I mean: The package has these "announcements" for the willy and nipple spread purchasers.

• With a silver spreading knife! (Yeah, that'll class it up a bit. Sure.)


• INSTRUCTIONS: Warm the knife before spreading: Cold steel can have a shrinking effect. (Good to know. Good to know.)
  
  
• MICROWAVABLE: After warming, check for correct temperature by using "scream" test. (Oh, my God! The "scream" test?! Are you kidding me?! I might not have a willy, but as all of us do, I am in possession of a couple of nipples and I'd prefer not to have any sort of testing done on them that involves screaming. Good Lord. How hot!)
  
  
• NEVER OVER SHARPEN BLADE! Especially if used by those who are prone to: Sneezing attacks, nervous ticks, slashing fantasies, or dead drunk! (First of all, I think only animals can have "nervous ticks"; probably "nervous fleas" too. But who has a "slashing fantasy" that involves a three inch, cold, metal, not over sharpened blade that comes along side a small tub of chocolate flavoured goo intended to be spread upon the male nether regions?! Who are they slashing? Lilliputians? The seven dwarfs? What would you slash with something that small other than your unopened mail? And "sneezing attacks"? Are the folks who use this implement doing so in a room that is particularly dust filled? Are they having their spreadable chocolate goo sex in a pepper factory? Who is this warning for?!)
  

All right, that's just weird. I'm sure they're trying to be funny and cute-sy and all, but when talking about items that could cause harm, damage and lack of mobility to one's penile unit, it's really not all that amusing, I would imagine. And while I don't know what the sales numbers of food-sex items are in Europe, if they're pulling thousands of packages off of the shelves, I'd be inclined to think that most of the male Europeans have had their penis dipped in chocolate at one point or another during their lifetime. And that is most disconcerting. Not to mention extremely question provoking. Why chocolate? Why not jam? (Seedless, of course.)

Then there's the matter of the melamine-y body pens in chocolate and in strawberry. Those packages tell the potential purchaser that they will be able to "write a delicious love message" and then "slowly and sexually eat your words!" Now, maybe I'm just thinking a little bit different here, but to me, the thought of a "delicious love message" conjured up images of my coming home to a note on the refrigerator that says "Went to buy alcohol. Dinner is in the oven. I made pie for dessert. Love, (insert any name here, just as long as they won't leave and have me end up bitter and alone)." Now that is a "delicious love message" if I've ever read one. Alcohol? Delicious. Homemade dinner? Delicious. Pie? DEeeee-licious! Love? Love sucks, but if it didn't, it'd be delicious also! And the whole thing is a message, so I'm not sure why those folks want to use the melamine-y chocolate pens, but it's probably because they're European. Always doing things the hard way. (Pun intended.)

So, what have we learned? Waaaayy too much if you're asking me, but we'll review anyway.

European males are fearless creatures with a bit of a sweet tooth who are not fearful in the least bit about having a sharp (but not over sharp) knife spread an edible chocolate paste over their penile unit as an optional pre-fornication ritual. Europeans in general have a very different idea than I do of what a "delicious love message" consists of, as mine involves pie and theirs does not. Then again, their "delicious love message" was probably wrote by someone who hasn't left them yet, so touche`, Europe! Touche`.

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Willy Stop With The Melamine?

Nothing from China is safe anymore. And nothing is safe from things from China anymore either. First what was it? Our pet food? Yep, melamine-y kibble all over the place. Then what? I think next was cheap toothpaste normally given to inmates in our overcrowded jails and prisons. (OK, no one was really all that broken up over that one, but we know that we have to act like it's real bad anyway.) Then we had Chinese candy with melamine-y goodness and then in China they had infant formula fortified with melamine that killed four babies and made over 54,000 babies sick. And no one wants that, even for the little children of Far East Communists.

But for some people, they have a whole new set of worries. According to the folks over there at the Mail Online, melamine has once again infiltrated a mainstream product. OK, maybe not mainstream-mainstream. But there is kind of a main stream involved here. Not necessarily when the product is in use (hopefully), but moreso in regard to what the product is used on. Either way, take note. Because if you are a fan of the 'Chocolate-flavoured Willy Spread' made by the Chinese company by the name of 'Le Bang', please discontinue spreading said chocolate goo on your penis. Wait. What? Actually, WTF?!

Correct. According to the Mail Online folks, "Sex shops have been forced to remove a novelty chocolate spread from their shelves over fears that it may contain a toxic chemical." (Well, that can't be good.) The dreaded melamine has reared it's ugly head once again! (Oh, come on. Yes, pun intended. Are you kidding me?) The chain store Ann Summers (whose slogan is "It's a business doing pleasure with you". Catchy.) has removed thousands of cans of the sex enhancing treat from their shelves after learning that tests showed a melamine level over 100 times above the limits set by the European commission. (Set by the European commission of what, exactly? Chemical level limits within penile sex spreads? An entire commission devoted to that cause? I really can't imagine. But they do tend overdo things a bit in Europe, so maybe. Who knows?)

Melamine, aside from being a harsh chemical in and of itself, contains things like formaldehyde. That's the stuff they use when they are embalming dead bodies so as to preserve them until the funeral can be held and then they can be lowered down for their final dirt nap. Now, while I don't even have one, I cannot fathom wanting to dip it in formaldehyde under the guise of "great sex!" It just doesn't seem worth it to me. And, as one who technically could be on the receiving end of said preserved penis (and I use the technically term very, very loosely), no thanks. I'm not even going to explain why, you just keep that thing all melamined up and away from me if you would.

But wait! There's (sadly) more! That's right, there are more, yes, more sex products with unacceptable levels of melamine within. So not only do you have to chuck your Chocolate Willy Spread, you're also going to be going without a chocolate nipple spread! Yes! A similar 'Chocolate-flavoured Willy Spread' (Similar?! There are TWO Chocolate Flavoured Willy Spreads making their way around Europe? I'm not even familiar with ONE chocolate spread for FOOD here in the US, let alone for willies!), and a package that contains a chocolate-flavoured " 'I love you' body pen". (Body pen, eh? What's that for? Writing directions? Labeling things - Tab A, Slot B? I don't get it. In more ways than one. Yeah, thanks for that.)

So, they're spreading chocolate all over their nipples, their willy, (probably their wonka as well) and now they're drawing all over each other. I have this really perverted version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory running through my head right now. It's not good. (Those poor Oompa-Loompahs.) But according to the Europeans, that chocolate stuff is. But don't go getting all frisky now, because it'll preserve your willy. And not in a good way. Just remember the difference between the willy, the wonka and the wanker and everything will be....well, not really fine, but OK, I suppose.

According to something called the FSA (Food Sex Additives?), they "had never previously had to call for the withdrawal of products of this kind." (Insert "withdrawal" joke here. Then insert "insert" joke here.) "This is a first. We've never had to put out an alert before on willy spread, chocolate-flavoured or otherwise," said a spokesman who I'm sure was just thrilled to death about issuing that declaration. (What other flavors are there? And why is it a "spread"? Wouldn't a squeeze tube be more convenient in the having food covered sex arena? Perhaps a spritzer spray? So, SO many questions.) The spokesman also said that "Anyone who had used the products had little to worry about, adding: 'The risk from these products is very low and it's very unlikely to be harmful." Which is why they are immediately removing every single one of them from every shelf out there and ordering them to be destroyed in some sort of underground incinerator. So I've heard. (Or not.) But just out of sheer curiosity, what do you suppose the "little to worry about" actually is? Because I'm thinking that if you just spread some toxic chemical masquerading as chocolate all over your willy (masquerading as a cake needing icing), you're going to worry a lot, in spite of what the FSA tells you. It's not their willy; what do they care?

Don't worry. I'll find pictures somewhere. I promise! But in the meantime, no chocolate willy spread for you, your willy or your nipples for the time being!

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Ripped From British Headlines

I doubt that there is another American who is a bigger fan of the European press than I am. They're so witty and fun, not to mention blatantly randy at times. Actually, I really like how all of these stories that they masquerade as 'news' would be better suited for a spot in the back pages of the Enquirer (or, since it's Europe, The Enquirere'). But they make me laugh, as opposed to the American press stories which make me cry. Oh, not because of the content. No, it's because of the misspellings and the incorrect word usage that make me weep. That and the ridiculous bias that has weaseled it's way into the press lately. (Oh, come on. You don't believe me?! Obama girl isn't the only one with a crush on Obama. Please. The press has such a boner for Barack that they should just stay seated until the election is over, as to not draw attention to their bulging loins.)

Here's a sampling of just a few of the fine fodder available from our friends across the pond at the Daily Mail Online.

• Naomi reveals she's been secretly dating a Russian billionaire. - Naomi Campbell has introduced her new man to 12 of her most trusted friends in St. Tropez. (TWELVE of her most trusted friends? A dozen people that she "trusts"? Well, how nice of one of those "trusted" souls to share this information with The Daily Mail. That is precisely why I trust NO ONE. )

• Why Charlie Drake left just 5,000 out of his 5m fortune. - The comedian blew millions on a racy diet of women, horses and extremely fast cars. (I find it amusing that they have this guy just thrown in the middle of all of the other celebrity news over there. Who is he, anyway? Looks like the English version of either Curly or Shemp.)

Surgeon's scalpel wreaked havoc with my body, but I still fell in love with him - Jenni Murray reveals her gruelling battle with breast cancer.

• I was 'duped' into relationship with homosexual clergyman who was once crowned Mr. Gay Auckland - Alice Gower tell how her boyfriend hid his sexuality. (Not from Auckland, he didn't.) (And yes, that is Alice Gower over there on the right. Oh, the irony that she didn't know her spouse was gay.)
  
  

• Life's a beach: Loved-up Kelly Osbourne covers up in the sun - Kelly Osbourne and boyfriend Luke Worrell enjoyed a romantic stroll. (Yes, oh-so-romantic with the throngs of flashbulbs going off in their faces. And that has got to be one of my favorite "status definitions" right there. "Loved-up". That's hil-arious.)
  

• The sister that Camilla can't do without...even if it does involve a fee - Why DOES the Duchess pay her oh-so discreet childhood rival 103,000 a year? (It's in the Daily Mail. That's hardly "discreet".)

• Is Kate Moss finally feeling the effects of time? Kate has splashed out 3,000 to join an exclusive private members gym. (Or maybe she just wants to work out in private, hmmm? Whatever the reason, I think it's safe to say, judging from the pic, that she is NOT feeling the effects of time. She looks fantabulous.)

• Bikini after babies: Jennifer Lopez slips back into a two-piece - You wouldn't know now that she gained more than three stone while pregnant with her twins. (3 stone is 42 pounds. It's really hard for me to know if that is supposed to be a compliment or not, but it doesn't sound good. Especially considering that she looks absolutely fantastic. Hate to break to folks, but you're going to gain weight if you're having a baby. There's no getting around it. Even if you're Jennifer Lopez.)

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Welcome Back, Knobby Produce!

I am definitely not a big fan of a huge government. Mainly because if a government continues to grow, the people under the government continue to be dependent upon it for their every need and direction. And while it's unlikely that I'm going to cease bitching about how there are way too many government regulations in this country for things that really should take care of themselves, I will say that it could be worse and our produce could be under the governing body of the European Union.

You see, the European Union (known across the land, far and wide, as EU) has implemented rather rigid rules that govern the appearance of produce. Yes, the appearance of fruits and vegetables. It would seem that the "misshapen" fruits and veggies were not allowed on supermarket shelves next to the "shapen"(?) fruits and veggies. The EU has rules that classify the class of the produce. Class One produce, for example, would not include things like bent cucumbers or straight bananas. Thus, all bent cucumbers and straight bananas went straight to the big ol' disposal in the sky. Or ground. (At least if it was the ground, they could compost.)

But now, with the high price of food (and the scarcity of sanity, apparently), the EU has decided that just because some vegetables look different than other vegetables, that doesn't mean that they're bad vegetables and they have just the same right to be sold and minced into some fiber-y treat goodness just like the good vegetables do. According to EU spokesman Michael Mann, "People are saying that prices are too high, so it makes no sense to be chucking food away. We want to have two classes, allowing supermarkets to sell funny shaped vegetables." Well said, old chap! Wait. What the hell?

You know what? It makes no sense to be chucking food away because it's too bent or too straight regardless as to what the freaking price of food is! Is there even a WAY to grow a straight cucumber? How does a cucumber grower go about ensuring that his vegetables are straight? What about curved bananas? How curvy is TOO curvy?

According to the good folks over there at the BBC, "Blemished, knobbly produce will no longer be banished from "class one" premium status. It is hoped the move will encourage shops to begin stocking less-than-perfect looking fruit and vegetables again. " It's like if the produce was on an airplane and the pilot invited all of the coach produce to come up and hang out with the first class produce. (Wasn't there an episode of the Muppet Show where that happened?)

But hold on there, partner! Is that the case for ALL fruits and vegetables? Of course not! See, bananas, for example, will still be under the "Class One" regime governing their degree of curvature. And the banana will be joined by 10 of the 36 other categories of produce which will be under "specific rules for the main things". (Nice of them to be so specific about the "main things" there.)

The purpose of these overly strict regulations governing shapeliness of produce items is "to make sure that what you're getting in the shops is not dirty, diseased, or rotten". And while that seems like a perfectly reasonable basis to have behind "something", when the "something" becomes un-reasonable, then you begin to not care about the reason and all you want is something simple and/or, in this case, straight or bent.

They also say that the misshapen fruit should now be sold with "some sort of a label for use in cooking" as it has apparently been so long since anyone in Europe has laid eyes on a misshapen cucumber or any other sort of defective vegetable, that they will have no idea what to do with it and, therefore, it must have a label (provided by the government) attached to inform the consumer of what to do with this novelty bestowed upon them. My God, what is wrong with the EU?

The gestapo like minimum standards will apply to: apples, citrus fruit, kiwi fruit, lettuces and endives (don't think that the endives were getting a free ride here), peaches, pears, strawberries, sweet peppers, table grapes and tomatoes (again, well, see "endives"). And what about the other 26 categories, you ask? Oh, it just gets better.

I found the ninety six page document entitled "Commission Regulation laying down implementing rules of Council Regulations in the fruit and vegetable sector" and, also according to the document, "whose publication is obligatory." That's because not only does no one give a fat rat's ass about this, even if they did, who in the crap is going to want to read 96 pages just for fruits and vegetables and the acceptable degrees of skew-ness within? Not many. But who is going to want to skim through 96 pages to get to the good stuff? That would be me.

For such tight-ass rules on things like how curvy a banana can be, the Commission Regulations are ironically lax in other areas. Areas such as the quality standards for things for which there is no standard. (That from the Redundant Department of Redundancy.) These are the minimum quality requirements in that category:

The product must be:

• Intact


• Sound


• Clean, practically free of any visible foreign matter


• Practically free from pests
  
  
• Practically free from damage caused by pests
  
  
• Free of abnormal external moisture
  
  
• Free of any foreign smell and/or taste

Step right up and get your practically pest-free produce here! But that's just for those without a minimum requirement. If you're talking about, say, aubergines (that's European hoity-toity talk for "eggplant") the minimum requirement is: "the difference between the smallest and largest aubergines in the same package must not exceed 20mm for elongated aubergines [and] 25mm for globus aubergines". They have separated their eggplants into the elongated and globus categories. No wonder they always need our help during times of war.

And while I may mock, this reform seems to be going over well with Europeans. The former Labour EU minister, Denis MacShane thinks this is a grand idea and expressed his exuberance by stating, "At long last, we are going to get crooked cucumbers in our shops. Hooray for Europe!" At long last? Hooray for Europe? Does he know something I don't know? From the sounds of it, he might.

But finally, the BBC is very interested in this topic. So much that at the end of an article about this radical reform, they included this request:

"We want to see your pictures of lumpy and misshapen fruit and veg. So if you found a straight or curvy banana or a knobbly potato send us your picture.

Send your pictures to yourpics@bbc.co.uk, text them to 61124.

At no time should you endanger yourself or others, take any unnecessary risks or infringe any laws.

Yes. Always remember that when photographing....vegetables? I think that my misshapen head is about to explode.

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It's Not Exactly an Olympic Event

Every year since 1620 in the Spanish village of Castrillo de Murcia (that's in Spain), there is the Catholic festival of Corpus Christi (not the Texas town). The festival is to mark the Catholic feast of Corpus Christi. It's apparently a very festive festival and is widely celebrated in Spain (not so much in Texas). They have the usual festival festivities there. The dancers, the plays, the eating, the grown men dressed like the devil jumping over small infants on mattresses. Wait. What?

It would seem as if Spain and those over yonder in the Philippines have a lot in common when it comes to slightly odd (Translation: WTF) celebratory practices. (You remember those over in the Philippines. The ones who like to re-enact the nailing of Christ to the cross by actually nailing themselves to crosses? Hey, I'm not judging! I'm just saying I like my holidays to be a little less...nail-y. That's all.) And I'm going to try and explain this oddity in as equal of a colorful fashion as I can. (I'm not thinking it's going to take a lot of effort. Sometimes, the really f-ing weird stuff is just funny in and of itself.)

Here's the scoop: The purpose of this strange ritual is meant to ward off the devil. In the village, men dress up as the Colacho. The Colacho is a character that represents the devil. (Now, I would think that if your goal was to "ward off" something, you wouldn't dress up like the thing you were wanting to "ward off". That seems an awful lot like something you would do if you wanted to "ward on" something. But what do I know? I'm not Spanish. But I do think I'm onto something.)

For other reasons that I have yet to understand (or find the origin of), another part of warding off the devil, aside from dressing up LIKE the devil, is to run and leap over clusters of infants that are laid out on mattresses. Of course. Wait. One more time?

Behold! Spaniards dressed like the devil jumping over babies dressed like babies!

According to our friends across the pond at the BBC, "Nobody appears to get hurt in this year's festive event." (Again, note the use of the term "festive" and how it can easily be interchanged with the term "freaking weird". They're tricky like that in Europe.) Well, and I should say that it's a good thing that nobody got hurt because if someone were to get hurt, I'm guessing it would have to be the babies! Who else is there? The brilliantly clad, leaping Spanish guy? I'm thinking he can hold his own! The helpless children, laid atop a mattress for the sole purpose of being leapt over? They're at the mercy of a guy dressed like the devil. And that isn't comforting for anyone, especially the children. I mean, look at the picture below. Do the people, presumably the parents, look all that comfortable with this? I'm not sure what the one hand on the kid is going to do is suddenly Macho Colacho steps on a banana peel or something and the whole thing goes horribly awry. But again, I'm still not Spanish, so what do I know?

I guess they don't just jump over babies at this festival (though I'm sure it's the highlight). There are other things that do not involve children in woolly feet-y pajamas. As the BBC tells us, "The shadowy brotherhood of Santísimo Sacramento de Minerva, the people responsible for organising the celebrations,dress up as devils and harass party-goers as they chase and terrorise anybody and everybody in the town at regular intervals throughout the day." How exciting! Not only do you get to watch in horror while infants unwillingly participate as the obstacle in a Spanish hurdling/devil warding off sporting event, you also get to be chased and terrorized by members of a "shadowy brotherhood." But wait! There's more!

"In addition to the devil costumes, participants also carry whips and truncheons to appear extra horrible." In case you are unfamiliar with what a "truncheon" is, allow me. A truncheon, while it sounds like "luncheon" (something quite pleasant), it is neither a "luncheon", nor is it "pleasant". A truncheon is a club-like weapon, small enough to be wielded in one hand. (Think of the club of a caveman. Only a Spanish cave man jumping over infants. Oh, and make sure he's dressed like the devil in this vision you're concocting.) OK, now you're with me!

WTF? Jumping over babies? Dressing like the devil? Terrorizing party-goers? Wielding clubs and whips? Why am I so surprised that no one is naked during this thing? Come on, you know you've read this far and you've been expecting "penis" to just jump out at you at some point. (Oh, not literally, for cryin' out loud! No one wants that!) But once again, we have an instance of a very, very bizarre ritual that a LOT of people seem to take VERY seriously and there is NO logical explanation for it at all. None. "Jump over a baby, get rid of the devil." Why? No one ever asks WHY! They just do it! Look, I might not have a kid, but even still, I'm not putting anything of value (a relative, an animal, a sandwich) on a mattress for some guy I don't even know to jump over because there is some unknown reason that I am just supposed to do it. No thanks. I'll ward off the devil my own ways from now on, thank you very much.

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