This Linsanity Needs To Stop

If you don't follow sports, let me take a minute to explain a couple of things. First off, sports people seem to really love a good nickname. Actually, I take that back. It doesn't even have to be good. (See "Chad Ochocinco".) Any nickname will do. Well, almost any nickname. And it seems that the good and apparently clueless folks over there at ESPN forgot the part about "almost" when they were sucked into the "Linsanity" of New York Knick Jeremy Lin.

In case you're not familiar with the guy, Jeremy Lin is a guy who was born in the United States to parents who had immigrated here from Taiwan. That makes him kind of Asian. This will be relevant shortly. He's just recently started playing for the Knicks (basketball, don't ya know) and he's just kicking ass and taking names (though why anyone would sign up for an ass kicking is beyond me). Cue the media to begin the onslaught of easy to make puns/wordplay based upon Jeremy Lin's name.

We have things like "Linsanity", "Lincredible" and "Linconceivable". There's the "Linderella Story" and "Super Lintendo". Don't forget not-so-clever phrases such as "To Linfinity and beyond" and "Thrillin". And remember, he's "Amasian". (That one is a little combination of "Amazing" and "Asian". I spell that out for you because I am surprised at how very few people can figure that out and I really hate for a pretty good wordplay to go to waste.) And I think that it was that last one that caused ESPN to go right over the edge with their attempt at a witticism of their own the other night. Yeah, after the Knicks winning streak with Lin was snapped the other night, ESPN went with the headline "Chink in the armor". Oh, for cryin' out loud. Freakin' behold...

Now, as you may or may not be aware (or care about) the term "chink" is not exactly an accepted (or preferred) nomenclature for those of Asian descent. In fact, it's quite the opposite and is now more of a racial slur than anything positive. Granted, I haven't heard that particular term used in a derogatory (or any other manner, as if that was even possible) in a long time. But maybe that's because I don't hang out with racists (or really old people who refuse to acknowledge that World War II is over and we're no longer mortal enemies with Japan). So while I'd like to give the benefit of the doubt to whoever came up with that headline, I don't even know what that sort of benefit would look like.

It's obviously an insensitive term at best. Racially offensive at worst. But either way, whoever came up with that headline had to know that it wasn't a compliment, didn't they? If not, I think they need to step away from ESPN for a little while and maybe read a book or take a class or something. Something that would help them grasp a basic understanding of why "Linsanity" is perfectly OK to use, but "Chink in the armor" is SO not OK. What is wrong with some people? Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that whoever wrote that headline did so to be racist. I'm saying that it's a racial term that really should not be used in any headlines. Or anything else for that matter! Go back to "Super Lintendo". It's stupid, but I don't think it will offend an entire race of individuals.

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Something For Everyone

From something in Ireland called the Evening Herald, this headline has a little bit of something for everyone. I really appreciate them going all out to entice the reader. Most excellent.

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Wacky Things I Read Today

Lots of weird things that were masquerading as news headlines today. Here's a sampling:

From Fox News: "Mario Bello Feels 'Really Sad' for Rush Limbaugh After His Haiti Comments". Now, if you're like me (and who's to say that you're not since you're reading this after all), you read that and your first thought was "Who?" Apparently (and this shouldn't surprise you) she's an actress. I actually remember her from a stint she did as one of the main characters on ER a bunch of years ago. But that's all I remember her from (and that's only because she's hot). Why is Fox News giving substantial space on its website about the opinion of Mario Bello? I'm not sure. It would appear that she's done a lot of work with an organization called Artists for Peace and that seems to have to do with Haiti, but other than that, I'm not sure why we're supposed to care. Perhaps the link that they included: www.artistsforpeaceandjustice.com.

From People Magazine: "Robin Wright's New Role: The Face of Gerard Darel". Again, I say to you, "Who?" Not Robin Wright. I know who Robin Wright is. She's the really hot, soon to be ex-wife of a one Sean Penn (the ex-Mr. Madonna). But apparently, she also "...debuted this week as the latest and surprising new face of French leather goods manufacturer Gerard Darel." Oh, thank God! FINALLY! Someone to bring a new face to the French leather goods manufacturer Gerard Darel! I was so tired of the old faces of the French leather goods manufacturer Gerard Darel! This really is progress, is it not?! Um, really? I don't know. WTH?

Now, when Nancy O'Dell abruptly quit her Access Hollywood gig that she had been doing for years, I'm sure that some of you were thinking, "I wonder what she'll do next!" That's what some of you were thinking. The rest of you were thinking "Who the hell is Nancy O'Dell?" But regardless of what you thought she would do or wouldn't do or had done, I don't know that any of us could have seen this coming. Again, from the wonder that is People Magazine, we learn "Nancy O'Dell to Start Line of Outdoor Furniture." Um, what now?

Outdoor furniture? You mean patio chairs? Lawn chairs? Croquet? Oh, wait. That's not furniture. At least, I hope you're not using it for furniture. But never mind what is or is not patio furniture, why in the world is Nancy O'Dell designing it and should we give a crap about it? I don't think that we do! It's not like I'm going to choose a Nancy O'Dell lawn chair over a...uh....(Psst! Quick! I need the name of another person who designs lawn chairs! Hurry! What's that? NO ONE knows the name of ANYONE who designs lawn chairs?!) Look, the point is that it's weird that People Magazine makes it out to be like this is something that people have been clamoring for. There's been nor clamor, nor will there ever be any clamor. It will be clamorless.

It must have been a slow day at People because they are just bursting with all kinds of crap today, including that "Chelsea Clinton Is Spinning for Haiti". According to the article, Chelsea is a regular at SoulCycle in Manhattan and she sent out a flyer or a note or some sort of blurb informing people that she and two other people that you've never heard of will be hosting a 90-minute Spin-A-Thon (if you will) in order to raise money for the folks over their in the Haitian rubble. In case you were wondering, "spinning" is the new fancy schmancy term for "riding a stationary bike". Front row bikes for this event are $1000 and 2nd row bikes are $500. All other bikes are $100. If this is something you're interested in, for God's sake, keep it to yourself and head on over there. I'm assuming space is limited or something like that. So if you want to pay a thousand bucks to ride on a stationary bike next to Chelsea Clinton, you'd better get crackin'.

From the huffy folks over at The Huffington Post, we get a glimpse of what it would be like to really tell your spouse "F-you", as we read that "Dennis Hopper, who is reportedly facing his 'final days surrounded by family and friends,' filed for divorce yesterday from his wife of 14 years, Victoria Hopper". Ah, yes. Nothing says "I hate you and do not want to go to my imminent grave still married to you" like filing for deathbed divorce. You must really despise someone if, in your final moments, one of the things that you find it necessary to tend to is filing divorce papers. Wow. (By the way, I really like Dennis Hopper and I'm sad that he's that's sick.)

Still at The Huffington Post, we have Jessica Simpson quoted as saying "I Almost Puked Next To Skinny Models". Well, good thing she didn't. Even if she had, it's not like she would have been alone. From what I hear, there's a whole lot of puking that goes on in the modeling world.

And finally, from the folks across the pond at The Guardian, we get to hear all about how the Mr. Gay China Pageant was cancelled. Actually, we get to hear more about how life is for a few of the eight (yes, eight) contestants. One contestant, a one Steve Zhang (really? Steve?) was explaining how when you come out to relatives, they really don't want to believe you. He said, "When I finally told my uncle I had a boyfriend he wasn't surprised but said, 'Well, that's not a long term thing." (Now, you can I both know that there is a pun in there somewhere.) And Steve also added. "They think having fun with boys doesn't mean you love them; you will still get married in the end." Um, well, I'm sure that there's something that's going to happen "in the end", but I don't think that it's going to be marriage. Maybe that uncle should see what happens "in the end" so that he'll know that it isn't marriage. I guarantee you, he'll be rather surprised about what does happen "in the end".

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One Liner Headliners

So....many....isssues....So....much....stupidity....Must....comment....on all......

From Reuters we have the headline "Clinton wishes he had left White House "in a coffin". " Dude, after that whole Monica Lewinsky thing came to light, if Hillary had had her way, I'm pretty sure you would have left the White House "in a coffin". (It's really kinda nothing short of a miracle that he didn't, you know?)

Still over at Reuters (but this time in Sydney), we're presented with the revelation that "Thinking negatively can boost your memory, study finds". Why do they always need a study for this sort of stuff? Who cannot remember absolutely every single way that they have been wronged or screwed over in their entire life? Can't remember what happened yesterday when everything was fine, but I'll tell you in excruciating detail about the time twenty years ago that I got stood up.

From Business World Online: "Jackson fans say film covers up grim truth". Why, yes. Yes, I imagine it does. I highly doubt there would be much allure for a film that shows the guy getting sedated with the equivalent of elephant tranquilizers every night while his barely competent physician plays solitaire on his iPhone. It's OK to cover that up. We're good with it. We know.

Over at People Diane Sawyer lands an interview with a thumped on pop-star when "Rihanna Breaks Silence About Chris Brown". Hopefully we'll also learn why she chose a hairstyle that is reminiscent of Jar Jar Binks.

Still at People, after Ashlee Simpson-Wentz was cut from the cast of Melrose Place, we learn that "Jessica Simpson Calls Melrose Place 'Crap' ". So your sister gets cut from the show and suddenly it's "crap"? Shocking. Simply shocking. (Why yes, she did tweet her feelings about all of the "crap"-ness!)

From The Huffington Post (and the files of "Former Celebrities No One Gives a Crap About"), "Jodie Sweetin: I Faked Sobriety, Hid Drug Use". OK, then. And we're supposed to believe you....why? You know what? It doesn't matter. See, we don't care about you. Please go away.

And finally, from the files of What Hath We Wrought? Over at The Huffington Post, it wasn't the headline "Willie Aames: Financial Ruin Led to Sleeping Under Bushes" that caught my attention. It was that despite making over a million dollars a year, he still ended up filing bankruptcy and sleeping 'neath shrubbery and in parking garages. Yeah, sad. Whatever. If you piss away a million bucks to the point where you're permanently camping, that's your problem and I have nary an iota of sympathy for you. But here's the part I found odd. "...now he's becoming a financial adviser, he reveals to Entertainment Tonight in an interview to air Monday night." Wait. What now?

The guy who was sleeping under bushes and in parking garages because he pissed away the million dollars plus that he made yearly? That guy is becoming a financial adviser? For whom? MC Hammer? Gary Coleman? Mike Tyson? Kim Basinger? Wesley Snipes? Who in the hell would hire this guy as their "financial adviser"? Whatever. Shouldn't he be dating Jodie Sweetin or something?

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Should He Be Wearing That?

I've been following the efforts dedicated to the recovery of human remains and debris from the Air France 447 crash. Since there hasn't been a major-major crash in about eight years (thankfully) I don't really have any recent memories to compare this recovery effort to. So these questions are based purely upon my internal "WTH" mechanism, which can go into overdrive sometimes.

At first, when it was realized that something was definitely amiss with said plane, it was being reported as "Air France jet vanishes" or "Contact lost with Air France jet". I'm more OK with the 'contact lost' descriptor than I am with 'vanishes'. Vanishes? Like 'poof!'? I don't think that it 'vanished'. I never did think that it 'vanished'. Pretty much, from the beginning, when you hear a story like this, you know, unfortunately, that it crashed. You also know, pretty much, that it didn't POOF! vanish.

It was a few days after said 'vanish-ment' that I started seeing headlines like "Air France: Missing plane likely crashed." Really? Now, this was the same day that prior headlines with "Air France flight missing mid-flight." were rampant. Likely crashed? Why jumping to conclusions so soon? You sure you want to rule out "sucked out of the atmosphere by an alien craft" or "rendered invisible by magic moonbeams" so soon? It hasn't even been a day yet. You sure you want to go that route?

Of COURSE it crashed!

Look, I'm not trying to be insensitive here, but really, what other options are there? When was the last time that a plane disappeared from radar that did not crash? Don't give me the whole 'Miracle on the Hudson' dealio, because while that plane ended up making an emergency landing, if it hadn't been for Captain Sullenberger, that plane would have ended up crashing. When it disappeared from radar what was it doing? Crashing, that is correct. So why all of the "likely crashed" scenarios making the headlines second instead of first? I don't know. Do they think that "plane missing" is going to alleviate the fears of the friends and family of those on the plane? I don't think it is! That's all I need! To have in my head that a relative or a friend of mine is suddenly a participant on a real life version of 'Lost'! Actually, I think I'd prefer "Can't find the plane, prepare for the worst."

Do I think Amelia Earhart 'vanished'? I think she crashed. Just because she was never found doesn't necessarily mean she 'vanished'.
Then came the announcements that they had found debris. Buoys that would be from the plane in the event of unexpected contact with the water were found. Cargo pallets were found. A LARGE oil slick in the middle of the ocean was found. White debris, which was never explained, was found. Seats and things that would have been from the inside of the cabin were found. Great! That means that they should be able to find the rest of the wreckage, right? Yes, but only if all of those things that they found were actually from the Air France plane. Which they weren't.

What?! Not from the plane?! Well, then where the hell were they from then!? Buoys that are from airplanes and are in the general vicinity of where the plane 'vanished' are not from that plane? How do you figure that? WHAT ARE THEY FROM?!?! I don't get it.

And while I don't understand how these recovery operations work, I do find them fascinating. I love the pictures of the guys doing all of the work out there in the ocean. I love the ocean and it scares the crap out of me at the same time. I have a buddy (who's likely reading this right now. Hi!) who works with the ocean and she went freaking snorkeling in it in the middle of nowhere last year! On purpose! So while I could never do that, I find it fascinating that others can (and do!). That's why I love the pictures. But this one baffled me. Behold!

First of all, holy cats. That's the big ol' tail they're standing on. It's so odd to see people standing on things in the water that should not be in the water. But I digress. One of those things is not like the others. Can you spot the one? Let me help you. Behold!

I believe that man is wearing a Speedo! Yes, that is a Speedo. WTH?

Since when do recovery divers wear Speedos? Was he vacationing and just decided to come along for the ride with the other divers? A wayward triathlete, perhaps? Is that Michael Phelps? I don't know, but he's in a Speedo and it just doesn't seem right. I mean, it's not wrong, but you have to admit that it's a little bit out of place, yes?

If anyone knows why Speedo-Man is there, please let me know. It's things like this that keep me up at night.

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Only In Florida

People amaze me. Actually, the people in Florida really amaze me. How do those people manage to keep themselves alive day after day? They don't really seem to have the mental capacity, nor the means to do so. Of course, that's just my conclusion that I've come to after reading one too many "news stories" about the antics of those in the Sunshine State.

From Panama City, Florida (and the NWF Daily News) , we learn that a man had seen two people having sex in a "nearby wooded area". We also learn that when the police showed up and spoke to the voyeur, he said that he "couldn't give police a description of two people he had seen having sex, because they were nude." Huh?

OK, I can possibly understand not being able to provide an estimate of the public fornicators heights. The article doesn't mention if they were vertical or horizontal, but even if they were vertical, there's quite a bit of contorting that has to take place in order for that to work out the way you'd like it to. You need to be fairly bendy. So I've heard.

The officer who was lucky enough to respond to this call said that the witness had "described seeing a man and woman, both totally naked, engaged in sexual activity in a nearby wooded area." I'm glad they put in the part about how they were both "totally naked" whilst they were having all of the wooded area coitus that they were. Actually, now that I think about it, they were clearly very committed to following through with this activity. That's some commitment to strip all the way down in public. A lot of folks? Probably very content just so slide their baggy gym shorts over to one side. So I've heard.

"He was unsure of any description since they were nude. He could only describe them as a light-skinned black man and a white woman." Now, that sounds like a "description" to me. I wouldn't expect the lad to be able to give eye color or anything like that. But I'm thinking he could at least go with hair color, average weight, degree of agility, things of that nature. The 'no clothes' part, however, you'd think would make the 'suspects' easy to track down, yes?

Well, something made it easy to track them down because after the officer poked around the area for a while he managed to find a couple matching the description. Both coital partners were arrested because they had warrants that were issued for a failure to pay fines. Now, I was wondering if they were clothed when they were arrested or if they were still sans clothing and that was how the officer knew it was them that he was looking for.

Turns out, they were clothed when the officer located them. The article doesn't specifically say that they were clothed, but I gathered that they were when I read the final sentence (which I did not see coming, by the way. Never saw it coming.). "Both were arrested, and the man was found to be carrying a steak knife in his pants." WTF?!?

Well, perhaps that explains why they were completely nude. "Baby, let's ditch these gym short because not only am I happy to see you, I've got this steak knife in my pocket." Good Lord.....

And, as always, the NWF Daily News headline links on the side of the page provide me with brief and comical insight, as well as a reminder that the gene pool in Florida is looking rather shallow these days. Florida headlines include:

• Suspects write expletive in road, leave out a letter (They forgot the 'k'. Oh, and they wrote it with a fire extinguisher.)



• Woman uses counterfeit bill to buy French fries (In JULY. Just now reporting it. Way to stay on top of things, Florida.)



• Milton man struck and killed by train while fishing (While fishing? A train? They're doing it all wrong!)


• Boy starts fire with lighter (In other news, man starts flood by turning on tap.)



• NWF State College Women down Lurleen B. Wallace (I'm not sure if I should feel sorry for Lurleen or very happy for her.)



• Fort Pierce man accused of punching woman for opening sardines and Vienna Sausages

What the hell, Florida? What the hell?

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From The Actual Headline Department

MyFox Gulf Coast - Fox 10 is right on top of the news today, let me tell you. If it weren't for them, I don't know if we (and by "we" I mean "the people that are smarter than those writing the headlines") would be able to figure out what the implications of the news story actually were. Thank God they have the headline writer to help us sort it all out before we even get started. Ready? Here we go:

Teacher lay-offs affecting schools

Wait a minute. You mean, when you lay off teachers the freaking schools are affected?! WHAT?! No one mentioned THAT when they told us about laying off the teachers! Hold on! We were duped! The schools are affected?! I am shocked, just shocked, to learn that would be the result of laying off the teachers. Who knew?

Back to you. Morons.

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Eats, Shoots and Leaves

It's bad enough when it's a slow news day. You want something exciting to read about something happening somewhere and you just can't find squat. And if you're looking for that daily dose of newsworthiness online on a slow news day, you're likely going to be wading through some of the stupidest stories you have ever seen masquerading as "news". (I mean, come on, there's "filler" and then there's "crap". Naturally, I shall be talking about the "crap".) The slower the news day, the more inane the stories. And it's as if those writing the stories or the headlines actually know that the story is pointless and they're just running it to fill space. Grammar, sensical meanings, they're all out the window. They don't care. And they know that you don't care either. That's how we end up with things like this:

From the "I'm So Stupid I Need Someone To Show Me How To Fold A Freaking Newspaper In Case I'm In A Narrow Newspaper Reading Zone" files, we have a demonstration from the simple folks over at realsimple.com, we have the feature "How To Fold A Broadsheet Newspaper - Easily read a paper on a crowded bus, train, or plane with this trick."

Now, if you're like me, you hear/read "trick", you think "magic". Thus, if you're like me, you're often very disappointed as actual magic will rarely follow. (That's when, if you're like me, you go right back to thinking "trick" as that's exactly what the whole thing is. Just one big trick.) Regardless, I'm going to walk you through this like they do. Trust me, it won't take long (though it may seem as if it goes on forever. After all, we are folding a newspaper.)

• Step 1: Before reading, fold the newspaper in half lengthwise both ways, for a flexible, two-way crease. To begin, fold the newspaper back along the vertical crease.

• Step 2: Find your desired page by leafing through the paper, using the top corners. better handling. (Better handling? How difficult is the handling of a newspaper in general? I'm thinking, "not very". Oh, and thanks for the tip on how to "find my page". Huh. LOOK at the pages to find the page. Brilliant.)
  

• Step 3: Fold the left page back along the vertical crease. You will be able to read theouter columns of the left and right pages. To read the inner columns, fold both pages back along the newspaper's center crease. (I'll be able to read the outer columns and then I will be able to test my long term memory as I retain the information in all of those columns before I am able to get to the rest of the story contained in the inner columns.)
  
  
• Step 4: Fold in half horizontally, into quadrants, for better handling. (Better handling again? What am I? On the goal line in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl and trying to score before time runs out? Better handling? It IS a newspaper, right? They're not made out of eels. I'm pretty sure my newspaper handling is going to be just fine even without this "trick". Grrr..)

All photos above illustrating this "trick" were taken by by Christopher Coppola.

I find it odd that the purpose of all of this folding of the broadsheet newspaper (a term I have heard never) is presumably because you are on, as the title tells us, a "crowded bus, train or plane". (And that could be with or without John Candy and/or Steve Martin, although, most likely without John Candy.) It seems to me that you're going to need a bit of room to make these maneuvers in the first place and if you can do that, why don't you just read the damn thing like that in the first place? And really, if you honestly cannot figure out what to do with yourself and your big ass newspaper if you're in a crowded area, it's highly unlikely that you possess the cranial ability to actually read the thing at all, so what's the point? Not exactly news I can use, that's for sure. (Seriously, at the very least, I was sort of expecting an origami swan or something when we were finished. Didn't even get that. A com-plete waste of time.)

Then over at the ABC News website (yes, one of the four major US News outlets is bringing you this vital tidbit of insight into your soul), we can now glean more information about the human species through their feature "What Your Car Trunk Says About You - Market Researcher Explores the Junk in People's Cars to Gather Consumption Information". Oh, for Christ's sake, are you freaking kidding me?

Among the questions that appear to be burning through the loins of the researcher are "Do moist towelettes stay moist in a hot car?" "Where do people squirrel away all the extra house keys she keeps unearthing in cars?" "Where do squirrels people away all of their acorns?" (OK, I made the last one up, but it's hard to resist a good squirrel pun when presented with the opportunity.) The researcher also went out on a limb and made the bold statement, "Cupless cupholders are significant". Why, yes, especially if you're looking for your cup!

What? Just because I have something else in my cupholder besides a cup I am supposed to be expressing something "significant"? NO! Of course not! (What kind of researcher are you anyway? You're nothing like the kind I'm familiar with, let me just tell you that.)

And finally, from one of the most unjournalistic (yes, I made that up) news sites online, we have the oh-so-biased (and in love with Obama) msnbc.com. Apparently, the folks who write headlines over there just want to make sure that the headline includes all of the vital components of the story, regardless as to whether or not it will actually convey what the story is really about. They also don't seem to care about whether their headline will confuse readers who have even a semi-firm grip on the English language. I present to you their mangled headline:

"Panda Moved After China Quake Gives Birth."

Oh, really? Well, I'm touched that the panda was so moved. I had NO idea that an earthquake was capable of actually GIVING birth (so maybe this really IS news after all!) and I really wish that they had included the sex of the newborn baby quake in the headline as well.

The panda headline is a great segway into mentioning the book "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" by Lynne Truss. Lynne is one of those individuals, like myself, who feel a little piece of their soul die (or get really freaking irritated) whenever they encounter writing that is grammatically incorrect, is missing punctuation or is incorrectly punctuated, contains misspellings, etc. The panda headline could cause her to damn near pass out, I would imagine. The title of her book is derived from the following story (which is available on her website, as is the book itself):

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

So punctuation really does matter, even if it is only occasionally a matter of life and death.

Indeed.

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Ripped From British Headlines

I doubt that there is another American who is a bigger fan of the European press than I am. They're so witty and fun, not to mention blatantly randy at times. Actually, I really like how all of these stories that they masquerade as 'news' would be better suited for a spot in the back pages of the Enquirer (or, since it's Europe, The Enquirere'). But they make me laugh, as opposed to the American press stories which make me cry. Oh, not because of the content. No, it's because of the misspellings and the incorrect word usage that make me weep. That and the ridiculous bias that has weaseled it's way into the press lately. (Oh, come on. You don't believe me?! Obama girl isn't the only one with a crush on Obama. Please. The press has such a boner for Barack that they should just stay seated until the election is over, as to not draw attention to their bulging loins.)

Here's a sampling of just a few of the fine fodder available from our friends across the pond at the Daily Mail Online.

• Naomi reveals she's been secretly dating a Russian billionaire. - Naomi Campbell has introduced her new man to 12 of her most trusted friends in St. Tropez. (TWELVE of her most trusted friends? A dozen people that she "trusts"? Well, how nice of one of those "trusted" souls to share this information with The Daily Mail. That is precisely why I trust NO ONE. )

• Why Charlie Drake left just 5,000 out of his 5m fortune. - The comedian blew millions on a racy diet of women, horses and extremely fast cars. (I find it amusing that they have this guy just thrown in the middle of all of the other celebrity news over there. Who is he, anyway? Looks like the English version of either Curly or Shemp.)

Surgeon's scalpel wreaked havoc with my body, but I still fell in love with him - Jenni Murray reveals her gruelling battle with breast cancer.

• I was 'duped' into relationship with homosexual clergyman who was once crowned Mr. Gay Auckland - Alice Gower tell how her boyfriend hid his sexuality. (Not from Auckland, he didn't.) (And yes, that is Alice Gower over there on the right. Oh, the irony that she didn't know her spouse was gay.)
  
  

• Life's a beach: Loved-up Kelly Osbourne covers up in the sun - Kelly Osbourne and boyfriend Luke Worrell enjoyed a romantic stroll. (Yes, oh-so-romantic with the throngs of flashbulbs going off in their faces. And that has got to be one of my favorite "status definitions" right there. "Loved-up". That's hil-arious.)
  

• The sister that Camilla can't do without...even if it does involve a fee - Why DOES the Duchess pay her oh-so discreet childhood rival 103,000 a year? (It's in the Daily Mail. That's hardly "discreet".)

• Is Kate Moss finally feeling the effects of time? Kate has splashed out 3,000 to join an exclusive private members gym. (Or maybe she just wants to work out in private, hmmm? Whatever the reason, I think it's safe to say, judging from the pic, that she is NOT feeling the effects of time. She looks fantabulous.)

• Bikini after babies: Jennifer Lopez slips back into a two-piece - You wouldn't know now that she gained more than three stone while pregnant with her twins. (3 stone is 42 pounds. It's really hard for me to know if that is supposed to be a compliment or not, but it doesn't sound good. Especially considering that she looks absolutely fantastic. Hate to break to folks, but you're going to gain weight if you're having a baby. There's no getting around it. Even if you're Jennifer Lopez.)

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