Tuesday, November 3, 2009

One Liner Headliners

So....many....isssues....So....much....stupidity....Must....comment....on all......

From Reuters we have the headline "Clinton wishes he had left White House "in a coffin". " Dude, after that whole Monica Lewinsky thing came to light, if Hillary had had her way, I'm pretty sure you would have left the White House "in a coffin". (It's really kinda nothing short of a miracle that he didn't, you know?)

Still over at Reuters (but this time in Sydney), we're presented with the revelation that "Thinking negatively can boost your memory, study finds". Why do they always need a study for this sort of stuff? Who cannot remember absolutely every single way that they have been wronged or screwed over in their entire life? Can't remember what happened yesterday when everything was fine, but I'll tell you in excruciating detail about the time twenty years ago that I got stood up.

From Business World Online: "Jackson fans say film covers up grim truth". Why, yes. Yes, I imagine it does. I highly doubt there would be much allure for a film that shows the guy getting sedated with the equivalent of elephant tranquilizers every night while his barely competent physician plays solitaire on his iPhone. It's OK to cover that up. We're good with it. We know.

Over at People Diane Sawyer lands an interview with a thumped on pop-star when "Rihanna Breaks Silence About Chris Brown". Hopefully we'll also learn why she chose a hairstyle that is reminiscent of Jar Jar Binks.

Still at People, after Ashlee Simpson-Wentz was cut from the cast of Melrose Place, we learn that "Jessica Simpson Calls Melrose Place 'Crap' ". So your sister gets cut from the show and suddenly it's "crap"? Shocking. Simply shocking. (Why yes, she did tweet her feelings about all of the "crap"-ness!)

From The Huffington Post (and the files of "Former Celebrities No One Gives a Crap About"), "Jodie Sweetin: I Faked Sobriety, Hid Drug Use". OK, then. And we're supposed to believe you....why? You know what? It doesn't matter. See, we don't care about you. Please go away.

And finally, from the files of What Hath We Wrought? Over at The Huffington Post, it wasn't the headline "Willie Aames: Financial Ruin Led to Sleeping Under Bushes" that caught my attention. It was that despite making over a million dollars a year, he still ended up filing bankruptcy and sleeping 'neath shrubbery and in parking garages. Yeah, sad. Whatever. If you piss away a million bucks to the point where you're permanently camping, that's your problem and I have nary an iota of sympathy for you. But here's the part I found odd. "...now he's becoming a financial adviser, he reveals to Entertainment Tonight in an interview to air Monday night." Wait. What now?

The guy who was sleeping under bushes and in parking garages because he pissed away the million dollars plus that he made yearly? That guy is becoming a financial adviser? For whom? MC Hammer? Gary Coleman? Mike Tyson? Kim Basinger? Wesley Snipes? Who in the hell would hire this guy as their "financial adviser"? Whatever. Shouldn't he be dating Jodie Sweetin or something?

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