Sunday, November 22, 2009

Vampires, Shmampires

So a few days ago, "New Moon" the sequel to the movie "Twilight" opened and it has already been a huge success. Holy crap, the first day that thing came out, it made $72.7 million. Overall, I'm pretty sure that the entire series is going to make right around, oh...say...lemme see...carry the three...yeah, about a gazillion dollars. And why is that again? It's because of the subject matter, of course! And what, exactly, is the subject matter you ask? (OK, maybe you didn't ask, but I sure as hell did because I had not a clue.) That would be vampires. Vampires? Yes. Vampires.

Why vampires, you ask? OK, again, maybe you didn't, but I sure as hell did because I'm remembering vampires being around, oh, forever, and I don't recall them being $72.7 million worth of popular. But they are. And apparently they are because they're (get ready for it) sexy. That's right. Vampires are now sexy. Behold!

Wow. They kind of are sexy. And sparkly. They seem to sparkle just a little bit. Is there such a thing as a sparkly vampire? Huh. Well, there is now! Vampires that sparkle! It's a great time to be alive!

No, seriously, when did this happen? The sexy vampire thing. I'm not recalling vampires as being presented (in the strictly historical sense, of course) as a sex object. Let's take a look at some of the vampires of yore and see if we can spot any sexy ones. I'm pretty sure they're making this whole sexy, sparkly vampire (the ol SSVs) thing up.

One of the most, if not the most famous vampire would be that portrayed by a one Bela Lugosi. Behold! Bela!

Yeah, I'm not quite seeing it. No, that strikes me as kind of creepy, actually. And being a vampire, I find that to be rather appropriate. Vampires are supposed to be creepy. AND scary. Granted, most of the time creepy in and of itself automatically denotes the scary, but considering that people are suddenly finding them to be sexy, I thought I should point that out.

Speaking of vampires that are scary and that are absolutely not sexy, here we have Bram Stoker's Dracula. Or, at least, we have the movie poster from it, but it's still pretty darned scary. Behold!

Yeah, I'm not finding so much sexiness in that crazy looking thing. Hey! All of you teenage girls who are flocking to see the skinny dude that looks like he hasn't seen the sun since 1997! What do you think of this vampire, eh?! Not so sexy now is he?! I didn't think so. Moving on....

Speaking of not so sexy and kind of scary is this guy from something called Dracula: Year Zero. Behold!

OK, I'm pretty sure that if I saw that standing over me in some field somewhere, I'd be way too easy prey for him because I'd either pass out or just die right there on the spot from fright. I'd probably pass out and on my way down to the ground I'd probably croak, but I'd definitely be dead shortly after witnessing that. Oh, and in the middle of my demise, I would, in no way, think how sexy that was and boy, am I lucky! What a way to go! (By the way, I don't know why I'd be in the field, but in these sorts of movies, the characters always end up in a field. I don't know if they're just that softheaded or if they're always disoriented farmers of what, but there's usually a field of some sort involved.)

Next up on the List of Vampires That I Do Not Find Sexy would be Count Chocula. Behold!

What? Are you kidding me?! Of course he counts as a vampire! He has that long face and those teeth that are supposed to be fangs! And he has that hood with the turned up collar! That is definitely a vampire trait! But see, I don't find him sexy. I find him to be delicious. Sexy? No? Chock full of chocolaty goodness? Oh, yeah!

Then there's my favorite vampire from childhood, the one, the only, Count von Count! Behold!

The Count is the reason I love math. Nothing gave me more pleasure than watching him noodle through how many of something that someone had, all by way of counting. Again, not so much sexy. Not so much sparkly. But very, very useful when trying to do math quickly. I love The Count.

Next up, possibly the least scary vampire that is not a Muppet, nor on the front of a cereal box, Grandpa Munster! Behold!

Grandpa Munster was sort of like the Joey Tribianni of his time. Very, very lovable, but not so well endowed in the smarts department. Definitely not so well endowed in the sexy department either. (My point here has been way too easy to make so far.)

And how could I get this far on my List of Vampires That I Do Not Find Sexy without mentioning Count Duckula! Behold!

Aww. I heart Count Duckula. He is far from scary and even farther from sexy. He doesn't have fangs and his favorite food isn't blood, it's broccoli sandwiches. He doesn't exactly fall into the sexy, sparkly vampire mold that the "New Moon" folks are trying to sell us, now does he?

And finally, we have Count Blood Count. I'm thinking he might be a cousin or other distant relative of Count von Count. He's not a muppet, but rather he's the vampire that starred opposite of Bugs Bunny in "Translyvania 6-5000". There was the famous duel of magic words between the two of them where Count Blood Count announced to Bugs, "I'm a vampire!" To which Bugs replied, "Oh, yeah? Well, abacadabra! I'm an umpire!" I really don't know what one has to do with the other, but it was definitely funny. Very funny. Not sexy. Not sparkly. Funny.

While I can appreciate the whole SSV concept that the "New Moon" folks have going on, you have to admit that they certainly aren't basing it on anything of historical fact. It is completely unlike anything that I have just demonstrated here. Vampires are one of two things. They're either scary as hell, or they're funny as can be. They are not sexy. But hey! If anyone out there wants to pay me $72.7 million to do something that I'm not, I'm in!

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Mel B said...

I like your site - it's funny and witty and snarky and makes me kinda say "Yeah, take that, idiots!". So it makes me kind of sad to point out that you missed some big-deal vampires in the last few years - Lestat and Louis. You know, "Interview with a Vampire"? Plus the weak-ass follow up, "Queen of the Dammed".

Actually, if you look into it, you'll find that paranormal novels have become wildly popular in the last 10 years, most especially in the last 5. The majority of these novels are romance or have a healthy component of romance in them.

The surprise isn't that there's a modern sexy-vampire movie series, it's that the series is based on a YA author rather than the many, many excellent adult series' available to choose from.

For reference please see -
Laurell K. Hamilton - 'Anita Blake' novels (these are actually WAY too porno for me after about the 7th book. But they are HUGELY popular)

Kim Harrison - 'Rachel Morgan' novels

Charlaine Harris - 'Sookie Stackhouse' novels (you might recognize the name from the tv series "True Blood")

The list really does go on and on. This is a big trend right now in entertainment - at least 2 current tv shows about it, 1 current movie series, and I expect many many more to come.

Yeah, the surprise isn't that the series is out there, the surprise is the vehicle they chose to film.

Submitted very respectfully...

Mare said...

Hi, Mel B. Thanks for reading and for the compliments! I'm always up for another like-minded reader.

You're probably right. I probably should have included Lestat and Louis. (I enjoyed your the description "weak-ass follow up". That was excellent.)

I am very familiar with the Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood dealio, as it is Must-See-TV for a friend of mine. I will look into the other ones, mainly just so I can be in the know. Making fun of pop-culture is a lot easier when you have an abundance of material to choose from.

Since I haven't seen the Twilight movies (nor do I plan to) and I'm clearly not "up" on their whole deal, can you tell me why they sparkle?

Thanks for reading!

~ Mare

Anonymous said...

Count Duckula not sexy? You must be kiddin', he's hawt and furthermore cuddly and cute =)

Mare said...

Hey, Anonymous.

Yeah, he's cuddly and cute. Does that automatically make one sexy? might have a point. OK, you win. Count Duckula is hawt. (But that doesn't mean I'm going to eat a broccoli sammich!)

Thanks for reading!

~ Mare