Monday, November 16, 2009

CMA Fashion Dos and Don'ts (Mostly Don'ts)

So the CMA Awards (those would be the Country Music Association Awards for those of you who don't give a crap) were last week. That's their logo over there on the left. Judging from the logo, I was under the impression that somehow they were going to incorporate Star Trek with the awards. After all, that looks like a logo that would be emblazoned upon Kirk's and Spock's skin tight space travelling uniforms, does it not? Of course it does. But was there any Star Trek at all? No. None. I felt cheated. Granted, I didn't feel as cheated as I felt stupid for simply watching the awards in the first place, but it was definitely a let down.

So, far be it from me to miss an opportunity to critique the fashion of those a gazillion times richer than I am. Here we go!

First up we have the lovely Nicole Kidman and her interesting choice in partners, Keith Urban. Not that I have anything against Mr. Urban, but he's just a little different considering that Nicole spent almost 10 years married to Scientology Freedom Medal of Valor winner Tom Cruise (and if you don't know what I'm talking about, have yourself a good laugh and click on that link there. The good stuff starts right around 4:50.). Mr. Urban must have thought that there was going to be a pretty rough crowd there at the CMAs as he appears to have put his wallet on a leash. He also appears to have some sort of flaming tattoo sported across his covered up chest. What is that exactly? Flames? Why would he have flames? It is the Hot Wheels logo?


Now, there has apparently been a lot of talk about Ms. Kidman's lips and whether or not she's Botox-ed them. I think it's safe to say that 90% of folks in Hollywood have had something injected into their bodies at one point and time. I don't notice that much of a difference and if there actually is a difference, it must be for the better. My question, though, was about her breasts. What is up with them? Why are they so far away from each other? Why are they so flat and large instead of round and enhancing? They just look weird.


Over here we have Kellie Pickler. Kellie Pickler is quite possibly one of the most unintelligent human beings to ever waltz the face of this planet. Holy cow, it's a good thing that chick is kinda pretty and can kinda sing otherwise she'd be kinda working at Sonic for the rest of her life. But don't just take my word for it. Allow me to change the subject slightly for a moment here and give you a real treat. Here's Kellie Pickler on Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? (Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! She's not.)


Now where was I? Oh, right! There's something noticeably different about Kellie this time around. No, not THOSE! THOSE have been different for quite a while now. No, it's her hair. That and the fact that she now bears a striking resemblance to Kelly Clarkson. Behold!


Yeah, they're the same.

Here we have a one 19-year old Taylor Swift. Now, I've heard that the camera adds ten pounds. If that's true, then this must be a watercolor painting of Taylor because she looks like she weighs 88 pounds soaking wet. I'd hate to think that is what she looked like after the 10 extra camera pounds. Seriously, Taylor. Have a sandwich, sweetie.


This is a name maybe you haven't heard in a while. LeAnn Rimes. Apparently Ms. Rimes has been absent from the headlines lately either because a) she was never in the headlines to begin with, or b) she's been working on perfecting her raccoon look. Behold!

Ooh. Yeah, that's unfortunate. So's this:


Patricia Heaton and her breasts were at the CMAs. How tall is Patricia Heaton? She can't be more than 5'4". It's like she borrowed those breasts from a woman who was 7'4". When did she acquire the breasts? There is no way they have always been the size of two of the five Hawaiian Islands. I would have noticed! Trust me. I have an eye for breasts detail.

Below is the lovely Jennifer Nettles from Sugarland. It appears that the debate is settled once and for all that she is, seemingly, a mermaid. That's an amazing dress.


Do you remember the simply delightful little Diana DeGarmo from Season Three of American Idol? She came in second place finishing right behind your Season Three American Idol Fantasia Barrino. For those who don't remember, let's take a look at her back then. Try to ignore whatever it is that Ryan Seacrest is doing with his mouth. Behold!

Diana made an appearance at the CMA Awards the other night. Um, I think I might have liked her better before. Behold!

I don't know what it is that I find rather off-putting. Is it the bubble gum dress? Is the the elfen heels? Is it the Cher hairstyle? I think it might just be that she doesn't look entirely human. There's either a lot of makeup going on there or there's a little bit of plastic surgery going on there. Either way, it's not entirely great.

And finally we have...who? What? Kris....Kris Kristofferson? Um...behold?

Yep, that's him all right. What was he doing there? Oh, wait. He released a new album at the end of September. Something called "Closer to the Bone". What does that mean? He's kind of old. Maybe it refers to a bone that a dog has buried in a yard somewhere. Maybe he's meaning that he's closer to the bone in THAT sort of way. Is he trying to pose so that we'll think he's a bad ass and might beat someone up at any second? Yeah, that's not working. Good luck with that album, Kris.

Yep, it was quite the night and the whole thing cumulated in the artist formerly known as Hootie winning Best New Artist. We still don't know what a Blowfish was, but it might be for the better. Congratulations, Darius Rucker Sans Blowfish.

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