Monday, November 9, 2009

She Am Them


No one is in favor of DUI. Pretty much, I think it's safe to say everyone thinks it's a bad idea. That being said, I have some awesome DUI stories here. It takes a certain sort of numb nut to pull stuff like this off. Thank goodness neither of these morons hurt anyone in the midst of their drunken stupor in which they felt the need to drive. Idiots.

First, we'll go to Salem, Oregon and meet a one Calvin Hoover. According to KGW News Channel 8 over there in Portland, our friend Calvin there had called authorities to report a theft from his truck outside of the Free Loader Tavern (catchy), but by the time that a deputy showed up, Calvin and his truck were gone. But that wouldn't be the last that the authorities heard from him.

Calvin called back about an hour later and explained that he had left because he got tired of waiting (he thought that it was taking them too long). He was obviously driving when he made the second 911 call and was also obviously intoxicated. The dispatcher did have a bit of a problem trying to understand Calvin, as he had to keep pulling over. That's right. To throw up. Aim high, Cal! Aim. High.

Now, because the media is crap, the article doesn't tell us exactly how it came to be that they located ol' Calvin, but they did. He was walking, obviously plastered, down a street not too far from where he had parked his truck (probably after the last round of vomiting). He explained to the officer that approached him that he was looking for the people who had stolen from him earlier. He told them that "he was looking for the people who took his "weed.” Um...wait. What now? Your...weed?

Correct. His weed. His marijuana. Stolen. It would seem that the items that had been taken from his truck earlier included "...$400 in cash, a Carhartt jacket and 3/4 ounces of pot valued at $180". All stolen out of his truck. All reported to the police (in between hurling the contents of his stomach in reverse order out onto the pavement) as stolen. Where the hell do I begin?

What is wrong with you people who are on drugs?! I mean, aside from being on drugs! Obviously THAT is an issue. I know that drugs don't exactly enhance your cerebral functioning (no matter what Timothy Leary or Hunter S. Thompson might want you to believe), but do they make you so incredibly stupid that you think you can go to the cops when your stash gets stolen? Do you really think that the cops are going to overlook your illegal dealings because you ended up on the wrong end of the bong? I don't think they are! Honestly, how much do you have to drink to believe that your crimes no longer matter if you're somehow wronged in some way? How much? A gallon? Two? It has to be a lot because that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.


Calvin was arrested and charged with DUI. The geniuses over there at KGW felt the need to include that the police "...warned him he would face possession charges if he had had marijuana with him, since he didn’t have a medical marijuana card. " Were you folks not paying attention? Hello! McFly! Anybody home? His marijuana was STOLEN! That's why he called the cops! Your news media, hard at work, ladies and gentlemen. What else is there?

Well, there's this lovely lady who hails from Wisconsin that we could take a look at. From a blog which calls itself "What's Wrong With Wisconsin" (a simply awesome name) we learn about a woman, a one Mary Strey, who was driving home on what appears to have been Halloween night when she called 911 to report a drunk driver. There you go! A good citizen! Helping out her fellow Wisconsinites by alerting the authorities to the presence of an irresponsible drunk driver on the roadways. Good for you lady! Right? Not so fast.

See, the drunk driver that Mary Strey was calling to report was herself! That's right. She was the drunk driver. When the dispatcher asked her if she was behind them, she replied, "I am them." (To which the awesome dispatcher, just to clarify, asked, "You am them?" How great is that? Of course she replied, "I am them." All rightee then. Carry on!)

The dispatcher coaxed her into pulling over and putting on her flashers. She had a pretty good idea as to where she was, but didn't seem aware as to what direction she was traveling in, a point that I'm not going to fault her for. (Hey, I'm rarely aware of which direction I'm traveling in when I'm not drunk. Do I look like I'm carrying a compass around with me all the time?) She stopped, turned off her car, turned on her flashers, took off her seatbelt and waited for the cops to get there so that they could follow procedure, give her a field sobriety test and let her fail miserably. Later, it would be determined that she had a BAC of 0.17, over 2 times the legal limit of 0.08. (Both of those numbers are figures that mean absolutely nothing to anyone unless you've been stopped for DUI. No one knows how much that really is, only that it's illegal. Personally, I'd be OK if they went to a system that instead of giving us a number, they just gave us a name for the condition that the intoxicated individuals are in. Plowed, Really Plowed, Completely Smashed, Obliterated and Can't Believe He's Alive. Or something like those. I'm flexible on the actual terminology.)

I don't really know what to think about this one. Do I want people to be SO stupid that not only will they drink and drive, but they'll call 911 on themselves when they do so? I...I...I don't know that I do. Do I? Oooh!! This is a tough one! I don't know! I don't know! It almost seems as if this would be the only instance in which advocating for idiocy would come in handy, but those idiots won't be drunk and driving all the time, would they? They'd still be idiots even when they weren't drunk, right? Yeah, I'm sorry, I just can't make that trade. I'm going to have to go with wanting people to be smart enough to not drink and drive - period. The audio of Ms. Strey's 911 call is below. It is, in a word, hilarious. Enjoy.


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