Monday, November 23, 2009

Simulated Sex, But Actual Idiocy at the AMAs

Is it meaningless award season or what? I swear we just had a bunch of award shows that were mockable. Now the American Music Awards occur and we have to do it all over again? OK, if I must. But really, running them all together like this only makes it easier. When you're on a roll, it's so much easier to just continue rolling. And I shall....

Here we have Nicole Kidman and her husband, Keith Urban. In a style similar to, if not exactly the same as, what he wore last week to the...um...other award...show, he seems to be afraid that his wallet is going to escape and feels the need to chain it to his pants. Also in a similar fashion to the other award show, his shirt is opened up just enough to reveal part of the flaming tattoo on his chest. Again, I'm unclear on what the tattoo that he sports actually depicts, but I'm leaning toward the Hot Wheels logo.


But enough about Keith because truth be told, he looks fine. Nicole, on the other hand, well, what happened there? It's kind of like she's wearing a bath mat, but she's not. Or is she? I really can't tell. Overall, it's an unflattering outfit and that's really unfortunate because Ms. Kidman is usually quite hot. This time however, she's quite not.


There was Val Kilmer with his date 50Cent. Yes, they make a lovely couple. According to the Huffington Post, Fiddy has written "...a screenplay and has reportedly gotten Kilmer to star alongside him. The movie is called "The Gun...The pair will play friends involved with illegal weapons dealing." Surprise. A movie written by a rapper that centers around illegal weapons and the dealing thereof. I'm shocked. Actually, what shocked me more was that Val Kilmer's outfit was surprisingly reminiscent of Hannibal Lecter in the last scene of "Silence of the Lambs". Behold!


Yeah, that's just a little weird. But it's not as weird as Bobby Trendy's little outfit. Behold!

Was it Lady GaGa that started this trend of showing up for these things dressed like some sort of parade float? It's ridiculous. No one thinks you're cool. OK, fine. Maybe one jackass out there thinks you're cool, but the rest or the world thinks you look ridiculous. You really need to check yourself if you're showing up for anything dressed like your own personal Cirque du Soleil. Do you going to show up to parent-teacher conferences dressed like that? Just wondering because you're looking like some sort of a Muppet on crack.

Here's the ancient Joe Perry wearing his stunning Amelia Earhart-esque aviator scarf and his seemingly shirtless bare chest. Behold!


There was Rihanna in her outfit that she seemed to have ordered from a Venetian blind factory. Could she be any more revealing without being revealing? Does that even count as being clothed? I'm not so sure that it does.


I'd like to know what Kate Hudson was thinking when she wore a set of curtains for a gown. Seriously, did she think that what little breasts that she does have would not be tempted to make a cameo appearance in that thing? Tell me that isn't just asking for trouble.


Truth be known, that shot looks a little touched up to me. I couldn't find one that definitely exhibited a nip-slip, but I have a hard time believing that at least one of the girls didn't take a peek out to see what was going on.


And finally, for those of you who were still perplexed as to why Adam Lambert didn't win American Idol, his performance at the American Music Awards last night pretty much sums it up. Like it or not, America is a lot more conservative that some folks either want to believe or than some folks would have you believe. Adam Lambert didn't win because his act was a little hard to take all the time. The screeching. The guy-liner. The tongue wagging. Every week? Ugh. No. Did he sing better than that Kris Allen guy? Sure. Should he have won? I don't know if he should have or not, I'm only getting ready to explain why Kris Allen won and he didn't. (And whether he won or not, he seems to be doing just fine. ) Here's Adam Lambert grabbing his sparkly crotch.

Here he is with a dancer who seemed to be outfitted by the same designer who clad Rihanna.

Here's Adam Lambert simulating his receiving oral sex. Quick! Call the kids and have them gather 'round the set for this one! You've just been waiting for the perfect opportunity to explain the concept of a "blow job" to them anyway. No time like the present, right?! Good Lord....


Oh, and here he is full on kissing a male dancer.


And if all of that wasn't enough, here he is flipping off anyone watching. Nice. Real nice.

So, apparently the American Music Awards are not for families to watch. They're certainly not for children to watch (and that's going to be hard to explain to your kids when you have people that kids would want to be watching perform). They seem to be barely for adults to watch. Look, I'm not a against a little skin. I'm not against a lot of skin as long as it's done tastefully. I'm not against any sort of over the top performance. But am I against watching some dude full on simulating getting a blow job on stage and on TV? Uh, yeah. Yeah, I think I am. Actually, I take that back. I am against that. I don't think that simulated oral sex and overt middle finger gestures need to be mainstreamed into our pop culture. I just don't. I don't know what his point was, but if it was supposed to be that he's a grandstanding jackass, he succeeded.

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