Happy Gluttonous Easter

Happy Easter. In honor of Easter, let's take a look at some Easter candy ingestion statistics from the UK and try to figure out what in the world is going on over there.

According to an article by those fine folks across the pond over there at The Telegraph, a mystery shopping company (whatever the heck that is) took a poll and found out that "Children will indulge in an average of more than two-and-a-half kilograms of chocolate over the Easter holiday." Wait. Two and a half kilograms?!

A kilogram is around 2.2 pounds. Thus, 2.5 kilograms would be the equivalent of 5.5 POUNDS. Of chocolate? Eaten?! By children?! (I'm pretty sure that somewhere in here there's some sort of a joke about the stereotypical Brit with bad teeth, I'm just a little unsure of how to phrase it, so that's going to have to do.)

The article goes on to state that "...a typical 200g Easter egg has 990 calories and 50 grams of fat, with youngsters aged 10-14 eating an average of 13, many first thing on Easter Sunday." Wait a minute here. A 200 gram chocolate Easter egg is "typical" for those folks? How many grams in a pound? (Let's see....four quarts in a gallon...two cups in a pint...takes one to know one....what's good for the goose....what was the question?) 1 pound = 453.59237 grams. Thus, 200 grams would be a little bit less than half a pound. That's TYPICAL?!?!

This cannot possibly be correct, can it? And these kids are eating thirteen of those eggs? Well, of course they are, considering that they're eating 5-1/2 pounds of chocolate. That would add up to thirteen of them. How can that be? Why are the Brits buying their kids so much freaking chocolate for Easter? Are they trying to find one thing that they can out-do the US at? How about they pick something else? Something not quite so gluttonous? Or something that could possibly be attained. Trying to out-do the United States at overeating would be the equivalent of trying to out-do Tiger Woods at cocktail waitress banging. It's (sadly) just not going to happen. U-S-A! U-S-A!!

The article says that "...the 15 to 19 age group weighs in with 11 (eggs) each" but "the 40 to 59-year-olds and over-75s have the lowest consumption, with an average of just one." So, these folks are buying pounds and pounds of chocolate for their kids, but limiting their own egg consumption to just one? That seems...counterintuitive at best. They give their kids tons of chocolate eggs, but consume the absolute minimum themselves. I'm still noodling through why this would be. Soft, soft headed individuals is what I'm guessing. Whatever the answer, it certainly isn't rooted in anything rational or justifiable.

We also learn that "Seven out of 10 parents have adopted the American tradition of holding a 'hunt the Easter egg' event for their children." First of all, it's an Easter egg hunt. If you're going to adopt it, at least call it by its given name. Second, we're absolutely not hunting for half pound chocolate eggs. The outdoor Easter egg hunts that I participated in as a small child involved real eggs! They were hard-boiled (because it would have just been weird otherwise) and dyed different colors, but they were real eggs. In addition to the real eggs, there were also those colored plastic eggs that you could put like ONE tiny chocolate egg inside of. Again, if you're going to adopt something, try to keep our wacky ways in tact, would you? Thanks.

I don't know what to think about all of this (other than next year right before Easter, it might be time for me to invest some money by buying some sort of confectionery stocks or glucose meters). Five an a half pounds of chocolate in one day. Even when I was a little kid and that would have sounded like an appealing event to partake in, I highly doubt I could have done it without some sort of reversal of fortune occurring before the end of the day.

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Chocolate-y Melamine-y Photo Goodness

Success! In the previous post, I did my public service by alerting all eight of you who read this (and the undetermined number of you who the announcement would actually apply to) to the fact that the European based Food Standards Agency announced a "Food Alert: For Information" (what are the other choices? For fun?) which declared that "...certain varieties of novelty products have been tested in the UK and found to be contaminated with melamine." The "novelty products" in question are a "Chocolate Flavoured Willy Spread" (chocolate to spread upon one's willy), "Chocolate Flavoured Nipple Spread" (chocolate to spread upon one's nipples) and a "I Love You - Pen Set" which contains a "chocolate body pen and a strawberry body pen" (both 40 grams and used to write upon one's body). Strangely enough, the Food Alert did not end with the words "What the hell?"

Sadly, in the previous post I had been unable to locate photos of these "novelty product" items. I, for one, was unfamiliar with any sort of food-for-sex accessory that was in the form of a "spread'. Actually, when I first read "chocolate flavoured nipple spread" what popped into my head was, "Oh, my God! It's made out of nipples?!?!" Fortunately, it was and is not. But that just goes to show how unfamiliar with these things I am. (The accessories. I'm unfamiliar with the accessories. The sex? :::sigh::: Sadly, I'm a little unfamiliar with that these days as well.)

But no need for sadness as photos of said novelties have been located! Woo-hoo! First up, the "Chocolate Flavoured Nipple Spread " and the "Chocolate Flavoured Willy Spread". Behold! Chocolate goo infused with chemical-y melamine that you can spread on your willy and nipples but shouldn't!

Oh, good God, what the hell is that?!? They weren't kidding when they called it a "spread"! It even comes with a little looks-like-it's-made-out-of-silver knife! Seemingly one commonly used to spread cheese on crackers during holiday times of joy. Am I the only one who thinks the whole thing is a little weird? Hey, you out there with the willy! How do you feel about having a little knife run all over your precious little willy there? Kind of brings forth the image of those old time barbers with their straight razor that they're sharpening on some long strap, doesn't it? You still think that's a good idea, willy holders? Anyone? Yeah, that's what I thought. The knife should best be left for the cheeses and not for the willies ('cause that's what it gives you just thinking about it. Ew.).

It would seem that really the only difference between the spread for willies and the spread for nipples is the color of the packaging. The directions on the packaging is the same for both. And I'm not so sure that I'd really go with the term "directions" for these. They're more like "warnings" or like a friendly "just so you know". It doesn't seem like the sort of thing that you would put on a package of something that you're hoping for people will want to pay money for.

Here's what I mean: The package has these "announcements" for the willy and nipple spread purchasers.

• With a silver spreading knife! (Yeah, that'll class it up a bit. Sure.)


• INSTRUCTIONS: Warm the knife before spreading: Cold steel can have a shrinking effect. (Good to know. Good to know.)
  
  
• MICROWAVABLE: After warming, check for correct temperature by using "scream" test. (Oh, my God! The "scream" test?! Are you kidding me?! I might not have a willy, but as all of us do, I am in possession of a couple of nipples and I'd prefer not to have any sort of testing done on them that involves screaming. Good Lord. How hot!)
  
  
• NEVER OVER SHARPEN BLADE! Especially if used by those who are prone to: Sneezing attacks, nervous ticks, slashing fantasies, or dead drunk! (First of all, I think only animals can have "nervous ticks"; probably "nervous fleas" too. But who has a "slashing fantasy" that involves a three inch, cold, metal, not over sharpened blade that comes along side a small tub of chocolate flavoured goo intended to be spread upon the male nether regions?! Who are they slashing? Lilliputians? The seven dwarfs? What would you slash with something that small other than your unopened mail? And "sneezing attacks"? Are the folks who use this implement doing so in a room that is particularly dust filled? Are they having their spreadable chocolate goo sex in a pepper factory? Who is this warning for?!)
  

All right, that's just weird. I'm sure they're trying to be funny and cute-sy and all, but when talking about items that could cause harm, damage and lack of mobility to one's penile unit, it's really not all that amusing, I would imagine. And while I don't know what the sales numbers of food-sex items are in Europe, if they're pulling thousands of packages off of the shelves, I'd be inclined to think that most of the male Europeans have had their penis dipped in chocolate at one point or another during their lifetime. And that is most disconcerting. Not to mention extremely question provoking. Why chocolate? Why not jam? (Seedless, of course.)

Then there's the matter of the melamine-y body pens in chocolate and in strawberry. Those packages tell the potential purchaser that they will be able to "write a delicious love message" and then "slowly and sexually eat your words!" Now, maybe I'm just thinking a little bit different here, but to me, the thought of a "delicious love message" conjured up images of my coming home to a note on the refrigerator that says "Went to buy alcohol. Dinner is in the oven. I made pie for dessert. Love, (insert any name here, just as long as they won't leave and have me end up bitter and alone)." Now that is a "delicious love message" if I've ever read one. Alcohol? Delicious. Homemade dinner? Delicious. Pie? DEeeee-licious! Love? Love sucks, but if it didn't, it'd be delicious also! And the whole thing is a message, so I'm not sure why those folks want to use the melamine-y chocolate pens, but it's probably because they're European. Always doing things the hard way. (Pun intended.)

So, what have we learned? Waaaayy too much if you're asking me, but we'll review anyway.

European males are fearless creatures with a bit of a sweet tooth who are not fearful in the least bit about having a sharp (but not over sharp) knife spread an edible chocolate paste over their penile unit as an optional pre-fornication ritual. Europeans in general have a very different idea than I do of what a "delicious love message" consists of, as mine involves pie and theirs does not. Then again, their "delicious love message" was probably wrote by someone who hasn't left them yet, so touche`, Europe! Touche`.

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Willy Stop With The Melamine?

Nothing from China is safe anymore. And nothing is safe from things from China anymore either. First what was it? Our pet food? Yep, melamine-y kibble all over the place. Then what? I think next was cheap toothpaste normally given to inmates in our overcrowded jails and prisons. (OK, no one was really all that broken up over that one, but we know that we have to act like it's real bad anyway.) Then we had Chinese candy with melamine-y goodness and then in China they had infant formula fortified with melamine that killed four babies and made over 54,000 babies sick. And no one wants that, even for the little children of Far East Communists.

But for some people, they have a whole new set of worries. According to the folks over there at the Mail Online, melamine has once again infiltrated a mainstream product. OK, maybe not mainstream-mainstream. But there is kind of a main stream involved here. Not necessarily when the product is in use (hopefully), but moreso in regard to what the product is used on. Either way, take note. Because if you are a fan of the 'Chocolate-flavoured Willy Spread' made by the Chinese company by the name of 'Le Bang', please discontinue spreading said chocolate goo on your penis. Wait. What? Actually, WTF?!

Correct. According to the Mail Online folks, "Sex shops have been forced to remove a novelty chocolate spread from their shelves over fears that it may contain a toxic chemical." (Well, that can't be good.) The dreaded melamine has reared it's ugly head once again! (Oh, come on. Yes, pun intended. Are you kidding me?) The chain store Ann Summers (whose slogan is "It's a business doing pleasure with you". Catchy.) has removed thousands of cans of the sex enhancing treat from their shelves after learning that tests showed a melamine level over 100 times above the limits set by the European commission. (Set by the European commission of what, exactly? Chemical level limits within penile sex spreads? An entire commission devoted to that cause? I really can't imagine. But they do tend overdo things a bit in Europe, so maybe. Who knows?)

Melamine, aside from being a harsh chemical in and of itself, contains things like formaldehyde. That's the stuff they use when they are embalming dead bodies so as to preserve them until the funeral can be held and then they can be lowered down for their final dirt nap. Now, while I don't even have one, I cannot fathom wanting to dip it in formaldehyde under the guise of "great sex!" It just doesn't seem worth it to me. And, as one who technically could be on the receiving end of said preserved penis (and I use the technically term very, very loosely), no thanks. I'm not even going to explain why, you just keep that thing all melamined up and away from me if you would.

But wait! There's (sadly) more! That's right, there are more, yes, more sex products with unacceptable levels of melamine within. So not only do you have to chuck your Chocolate Willy Spread, you're also going to be going without a chocolate nipple spread! Yes! A similar 'Chocolate-flavoured Willy Spread' (Similar?! There are TWO Chocolate Flavoured Willy Spreads making their way around Europe? I'm not even familiar with ONE chocolate spread for FOOD here in the US, let alone for willies!), and a package that contains a chocolate-flavoured " 'I love you' body pen". (Body pen, eh? What's that for? Writing directions? Labeling things - Tab A, Slot B? I don't get it. In more ways than one. Yeah, thanks for that.)

So, they're spreading chocolate all over their nipples, their willy, (probably their wonka as well) and now they're drawing all over each other. I have this really perverted version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory running through my head right now. It's not good. (Those poor Oompa-Loompahs.) But according to the Europeans, that chocolate stuff is. But don't go getting all frisky now, because it'll preserve your willy. And not in a good way. Just remember the difference between the willy, the wonka and the wanker and everything will be....well, not really fine, but OK, I suppose.

According to something called the FSA (Food Sex Additives?), they "had never previously had to call for the withdrawal of products of this kind." (Insert "withdrawal" joke here. Then insert "insert" joke here.) "This is a first. We've never had to put out an alert before on willy spread, chocolate-flavoured or otherwise," said a spokesman who I'm sure was just thrilled to death about issuing that declaration. (What other flavors are there? And why is it a "spread"? Wouldn't a squeeze tube be more convenient in the having food covered sex arena? Perhaps a spritzer spray? So, SO many questions.) The spokesman also said that "Anyone who had used the products had little to worry about, adding: 'The risk from these products is very low and it's very unlikely to be harmful." Which is why they are immediately removing every single one of them from every shelf out there and ordering them to be destroyed in some sort of underground incinerator. So I've heard. (Or not.) But just out of sheer curiosity, what do you suppose the "little to worry about" actually is? Because I'm thinking that if you just spread some toxic chemical masquerading as chocolate all over your willy (masquerading as a cake needing icing), you're going to worry a lot, in spite of what the FSA tells you. It's not their willy; what do they care?

Don't worry. I'll find pictures somewhere. I promise! But in the meantime, no chocolate willy spread for you, your willy or your nipples for the time being!

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