Politically Correct Spring Spheres

The politically correct Nazi task force is at it again. This time, in their idiotic quest to make an issue out of anything that doesn't need to have an issue made out of it, they are attacking Easter. That's right. It's a war on Easter. And if these morons get their way, no longer will there be mention of 'Easter eggs'. No, instead we're going to be calling them 'spring spheres'. Uh, wait. We're what? Correct. Spring spheres. Let's go over to mynorthwest.com and learn about the experience that a sixteen year old girl named Jessica had when she volunteered for a third grade class at a school in the Seattle area.

Apparently, a week before the spring break, the students that are Jessica's age commit to a week long community service project. A fine, fine idea. Jessica decided to volunteer in this particular third grade class. Now, at the end of the week, Jessica said that she "...had an idea to fill little plastic eggs with treats and jelly beans and other candy, but I was kind of unsure how the teacher would feel about that". See, she was unsure because the school has something called "abstract behavior rules." I had not idea what in the world "abstract behavior rules" were, but I came to learn that they were just what they sound like. Stupid and unnecessary. "She said that I could do it as long as I called this treat 'spring spheres.' I couldn't call them Easter eggs." Oh, my God.

Spring spheres?! That is the most ludicrous thing that I have ever heard. First of all, I'm just going to point out that an egg...IS NOT A SPHERE!! A sphere is perfectly round. A ping-pong ball is a freaking sphere! An EGG is NOT a sphere! Second of all, is anyone really going to be offended at the term 'Easter eggs'? OK, let me rephrase that. Is anyone besides asshats going to be offended? No? OK, then. So, why are we doing this?

I have no idea. But if you think this is going to catch on, you're wrong. Thankfully, you're wrong. According to Jessica, "When I took them out of the bag, the teacher said, 'Oh look, spring spheres' and all the kids were like 'Wow, Easter eggs.' So they knew." See?! They're not spheres! They're Easter eggs. Freaking, fracking Easter eggs. Why we even entertain these notions at all is beyond me. People just deal to deal with stuff. No, wait. People just need to stop accommodating people who want to complain that they can't deal with stuff. They're not spring spheres. They're certainly not spheres at all. They're Easter eggs. Deal with it.

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Happy Gluttonous Easter

Happy Easter. In honor of Easter, let's take a look at some Easter candy ingestion statistics from the UK and try to figure out what in the world is going on over there.

According to an article by those fine folks across the pond over there at The Telegraph, a mystery shopping company (whatever the heck that is) took a poll and found out that "Children will indulge in an average of more than two-and-a-half kilograms of chocolate over the Easter holiday." Wait. Two and a half kilograms?!

A kilogram is around 2.2 pounds. Thus, 2.5 kilograms would be the equivalent of 5.5 POUNDS. Of chocolate? Eaten?! By children?! (I'm pretty sure that somewhere in here there's some sort of a joke about the stereotypical Brit with bad teeth, I'm just a little unsure of how to phrase it, so that's going to have to do.)

The article goes on to state that "...a typical 200g Easter egg has 990 calories and 50 grams of fat, with youngsters aged 10-14 eating an average of 13, many first thing on Easter Sunday." Wait a minute here. A 200 gram chocolate Easter egg is "typical" for those folks? How many grams in a pound? (Let's see....four quarts in a gallon...two cups in a pint...takes one to know one....what's good for the goose....what was the question?) 1 pound = 453.59237 grams. Thus, 200 grams would be a little bit less than half a pound. That's TYPICAL?!?!

This cannot possibly be correct, can it? And these kids are eating thirteen of those eggs? Well, of course they are, considering that they're eating 5-1/2 pounds of chocolate. That would add up to thirteen of them. How can that be? Why are the Brits buying their kids so much freaking chocolate for Easter? Are they trying to find one thing that they can out-do the US at? How about they pick something else? Something not quite so gluttonous? Or something that could possibly be attained. Trying to out-do the United States at overeating would be the equivalent of trying to out-do Tiger Woods at cocktail waitress banging. It's (sadly) just not going to happen. U-S-A! U-S-A!!

The article says that "...the 15 to 19 age group weighs in with 11 (eggs) each" but "the 40 to 59-year-olds and over-75s have the lowest consumption, with an average of just one." So, these folks are buying pounds and pounds of chocolate for their kids, but limiting their own egg consumption to just one? That seems...counterintuitive at best. They give their kids tons of chocolate eggs, but consume the absolute minimum themselves. I'm still noodling through why this would be. Soft, soft headed individuals is what I'm guessing. Whatever the answer, it certainly isn't rooted in anything rational or justifiable.

We also learn that "Seven out of 10 parents have adopted the American tradition of holding a 'hunt the Easter egg' event for their children." First of all, it's an Easter egg hunt. If you're going to adopt it, at least call it by its given name. Second, we're absolutely not hunting for half pound chocolate eggs. The outdoor Easter egg hunts that I participated in as a small child involved real eggs! They were hard-boiled (because it would have just been weird otherwise) and dyed different colors, but they were real eggs. In addition to the real eggs, there were also those colored plastic eggs that you could put like ONE tiny chocolate egg inside of. Again, if you're going to adopt something, try to keep our wacky ways in tact, would you? Thanks.

I don't know what to think about all of this (other than next year right before Easter, it might be time for me to invest some money by buying some sort of confectionery stocks or glucose meters). Five an a half pounds of chocolate in one day. Even when I was a little kid and that would have sounded like an appealing event to partake in, I highly doubt I could have done it without some sort of reversal of fortune occurring before the end of the day.

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Not Eggs-actly What I Had In Mind

Please stop with all of the "going green" proclamations on things that are just silly. If you're GM or you're PG&E or you're Dell or you're Chevron and you want to "go green", have at it. But if you're just going to claim that you're "green" just to be cool or to come across as devoted to the environment and the saving thereof, please don't. Again, don't get me wrong, I'm all for saving the planet and I'm all for doing things that are environmentally responsible. Please do whatever you can to conserve resources and use/waste less. Just as long as those things that you do don't cause others to roll their eyes back into their head.

Take for example, the festivities at the White House this past Easter weekend for the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. Apparently this tradition has been around since the 1800s and it's hard to tell where or why it got its start. While it may sound like a side dish at a Chinese restaurant, the Egg Roll at the White House is quite different and actually involves real eggs (unlike the tasty appetizers). And it's just what it sounds like it is: A bunch of children rolling eggs across the White House lawn with long spoons. Granted, you'd have to surmise a bit to guess the part about the long spoons, but really, how else would you go about it? Exactly.

According to those who are presumably monitoring all the Christians over there at the Christian Science Monitor, President Barry spoke to the crowd, estimated to be around 30,000. (Really?! 30k? Did they all know what it was that they were there for? Seriously, how many of them showed up because they thought someone said "Keg Bowl" and were hoping for free beer? Plenty, I'm almost certain of it.) His words of wisdom (or something) included the following: "This is one of the greatest White House traditions because it reminds us that this is the people’s house.” What in the hell does that mean?

Rolling perfectly good hard boiled eggs across the grass with a spoon reminds you that you're living in the "people's house"? Right. Because you don't always have the time to venture out into the society that you lead where you can see us all in our day-to-day element. Getting up, going to work, rolling our eggs across our lawns (in lieu of eating them as a regular person or an animal would do) like absolute morons. Yep! I can see why the Easter Egg Roll reminds you of your dumb, dumb subjects that you reign over. Thanks for that, President Barry.

Oddly, even though the Easter Egg Roll tradition still continues at the White House, all other egg-themed events that once took place on the same day have not carried over into modern times. Events such as "egg picking", "egg ball" and "egg croquet" have come and gone without a lot of fanfare. And is it any wonder, really? Seems to me like all they were doing was taking any game or sport that was out there and putting "egg" in the title and then, presumably, using a real egg to play the game. "Baseball" or "basketball" becomes "egg ball". "Ice hockey" becomes "egg hockey". "Polo"? You got it, "Eggs and Horses". You know, it's not like they had the Internet in the 1800s to waste all of their time on. You'd think that they could have spent their time thinking up better names or something. Why the half-assed effort?

The big deal at the end of the day is when the souvenir eggs are distributed to folks as they leave. I guess they used to give out paper certificates, but who wants that? What the people want is something more tangible, more commemorative, and more able to fetch a higher price on eBay. But this year's egg wasn't just any ol' commemorative egg. No, this year the egg was an (wait for it) "environmentally friendly" egg. Wait. What?

Yep. The wooden eggs are supposed to be environmentally friendly. Um, they're made of wood. They are the environment! How does one get more friendly than the environment itself? I don't know! Since you can buy your own egg this year for the low, low price of seven bucks from the National Parks Foundation, I wandered over to their website to learn more about the "green" eggs. The first thing I learned was that they did not come with ham, a situation which I found very disappointing. The next thing I learned was that "Each egg is made in the U.S. from FSC-Certified hardwood from sustainably managed forests." I have no idea if in previous years the eggs were made out of wood harvested directly from the rainforest or what, but they seem to think that the sustainable forest wood is an improvement from before. I don't know if it really is or not, but I do think it's a bit silly.

Heading back over to the Christian Science Monitor, I also learned that the eggs "...use 31 percent less paperboard than the one from 2008. And it eliminates the need for the paper shred/filler." Less paperboard? Wait a minute. I thought they were wooden eggs? They're telling me now that they're made out of cardboard?! Cardboard isn't wood. If it was, you know what they'd call it? Wood! That's right!

Back over at the White House, they claim the cardboard eggs will be colored with "renewable, vegetable oil-based inks" and that the eggs will "... feature an “egg-shaped die cut instead of a cellophane window." Again, I ask, what were they dying the eggs with in previous years that was such an abomination? A dye based out of the remains from baby harp seals? Coal? Were we dying them with coal? Lead-y paint from China, perhaps? As far as the cut, I have no idea what that means and the picture of the eggs is far from helpful. Behold! An egg that may or may not feature an egg-shaped die cut!

Wouldn't it have been even more environmentally friendly to not dye the eggs at all? Just slap a sticker on them or give 'em a good carving and voila! Off to eBay they go! Wouldn't it also have been even more environmentally friendly if the eggs were made from recycled something. I don't know if it's wood or cardboard or what, but I'm thinking if they were made from recycled products, it would be better than using all new environmentally friendly stuff to make these eggs.

I'm beginning to get the feeling that President Barry's administration doesn't think the public is all that bright. First the denial of the bow at Bow-Gate (which they're still inexplicably denying for some reason. Go figure.) and now the introduction of the allegedly "environmentally friendly" and not wooden eggs whose vegetable based dyes may or may not have come from the new White House garden. (That'll be the next claim. Just wait.)

Tell you what. If you want to be the environmentally conscious President that you're trying to be by throwing around the "green" label whenever you can, how about rather than the "green" eggs and no ham, instead you stop flying around on Air Force One all over the place and "green" up a little bit that way? That's the kind of change I can get behind. These environmentally friendly commemorative Easter eggs? Not so much.

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