It's Not An Egg

It's been a while since we've had God or Jesus show up on a grilled cheese sandwich or in the back of someone's pickup truck. Not literally, of course. I'm referring to those folks that pour their Cheerios into their bowl in the morning and they go to take that first bite and look down to see those toasty O's looking like the Son of God. Next thing you know, the local TV stations are involved and people are getting ready to bid on the damn thing on eBay. So since there hasn't been a Jesus-in-an-object sighting lately, it's only fitting that there would be one around holiday time. After all, it's Jesus's birthday that's coming up. Perhaps he'd like to stop by and drop some hints for what he's like, you know?

Actually, this time it wasn't Jesus that showed up either. No, this time, some cuckoo birds from Texas claim that one of their chickens (yes, their chickens!) laid an egg (yes, an egg!) that had a cross on it (yes, a cross!). Now, listen, it might be a cross. That's hard to deny. But I'm not so certain about the whole "egg" part. Behold!

See what I mean? That IS a cross, but I don't know if that IS an egg. Here's the story according to CBS-2 in Chicago: It seems that in the town of Burleson, Texas (that's about 13 miles south of Fort Worth, in case you give a crap) a one Tracy and a one Pam Norrell have a small farm with some chickens. Every day, they do what people that own chickens do. That's right. The people go out and steal the chickens unborn children right out from under their arse so that they can make themselves some grub. Doesn't sound so tasty and delicious when I put it that way, now does it?

But one day, the Norrell's claim that one of their chickens laid an egg with a cross on it. According to those CBS-2 folks, "...this egg isn't smooth and a very noticeable cross is indented on the top." And according to those Norrell folks, this egg "...was laid 'straight from heaven' and is a message of encouragement that comes at the right time." What now?

You'd think that the folks that actually owned the chickens would know that the egg didn't come "straight from heaven" but rather, straight from the chicken's butt. They're not amateurs; why would they think that? And what sort of encouragement is it to have a deformed looking egg like that? I'm not so sure that it's very encouraging at all! Hey, your chickens are are going start laying funky looking eggs! Feel encouraged? No? Think about it some more and get back to me. Maybe then?

Pam Norrell claims that "This time of the year, we get so taken up with the presents and money and we forget about the reason. I think He (God) was just telling us he is the reason for the season." Eggs? Eggs are the reason for the season? I don't think so. Now if that chicken was laying fully wrapped presents? Well, that would be something! THAT would be the reason for the season! Gift giving! And what a gift that would be? (Think that chicken has a Playstation3 up there? That's what I'm hoping for this year!)

I'm not buying this one. First of all, that's not looking like any egg I've ever seen before. It barely looks like an egg at all. Secondly, that cross is just a little too well defined. I don't know a lot about the formation of an eggshell inside of a chicken, but I think I know enough to know that this is highly unlikely. Now, I realize that you might be thinking that the news people who went over there and did a little filming of this story for the news might have been able to tell if it was a real egg or not. I don't think that they would have because they keep referring to the cross on the egg as being 'indented'. The cross does not appear to be 'indented', it appears to be raised or embossed or not indented. Thus, I don't know if they'd know their arse from a hole in the ground, so I'm certainly not leaving this egg identifying business up to them either.

The lady seems very nice. Not very sensible and not the dangerous kind of crazy, but crazy none the less. She calls herself a farmer, yet she appears to have slightly purple hair. I've known farmers. I've never known any purple haired farmers, though. That doesn't mean they don't exist, I'm just saying. But nice or not, purple hair or not, egg or not, it wasn't sent from God. It was sent from that chicken IF it's an egg AT ALL (which I doubt that it is). But hey, if it comforts her to think that God is sending her messages from inside of a chicken's butt, good for her. Everyone needs comfort. And if she can find some sucker on eBay to pay a few grand for a fake God-send egg with a cross not indented on it, more power to her. The video of the news story is below. You can take a gander at that and decide what you think (but if you think it's an egg, I'm telling you, it's not).

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Not Eggs-actly What I Had In Mind

Please stop with all of the "going green" proclamations on things that are just silly. If you're GM or you're PG&E or you're Dell or you're Chevron and you want to "go green", have at it. But if you're just going to claim that you're "green" just to be cool or to come across as devoted to the environment and the saving thereof, please don't. Again, don't get me wrong, I'm all for saving the planet and I'm all for doing things that are environmentally responsible. Please do whatever you can to conserve resources and use/waste less. Just as long as those things that you do don't cause others to roll their eyes back into their head.

Take for example, the festivities at the White House this past Easter weekend for the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. Apparently this tradition has been around since the 1800s and it's hard to tell where or why it got its start. While it may sound like a side dish at a Chinese restaurant, the Egg Roll at the White House is quite different and actually involves real eggs (unlike the tasty appetizers). And it's just what it sounds like it is: A bunch of children rolling eggs across the White House lawn with long spoons. Granted, you'd have to surmise a bit to guess the part about the long spoons, but really, how else would you go about it? Exactly.

According to those who are presumably monitoring all the Christians over there at the Christian Science Monitor, President Barry spoke to the crowd, estimated to be around 30,000. (Really?! 30k? Did they all know what it was that they were there for? Seriously, how many of them showed up because they thought someone said "Keg Bowl" and were hoping for free beer? Plenty, I'm almost certain of it.) His words of wisdom (or something) included the following: "This is one of the greatest White House traditions because it reminds us that this is the people’s house.” What in the hell does that mean?

Rolling perfectly good hard boiled eggs across the grass with a spoon reminds you that you're living in the "people's house"? Right. Because you don't always have the time to venture out into the society that you lead where you can see us all in our day-to-day element. Getting up, going to work, rolling our eggs across our lawns (in lieu of eating them as a regular person or an animal would do) like absolute morons. Yep! I can see why the Easter Egg Roll reminds you of your dumb, dumb subjects that you reign over. Thanks for that, President Barry.

Oddly, even though the Easter Egg Roll tradition still continues at the White House, all other egg-themed events that once took place on the same day have not carried over into modern times. Events such as "egg picking", "egg ball" and "egg croquet" have come and gone without a lot of fanfare. And is it any wonder, really? Seems to me like all they were doing was taking any game or sport that was out there and putting "egg" in the title and then, presumably, using a real egg to play the game. "Baseball" or "basketball" becomes "egg ball". "Ice hockey" becomes "egg hockey". "Polo"? You got it, "Eggs and Horses". You know, it's not like they had the Internet in the 1800s to waste all of their time on. You'd think that they could have spent their time thinking up better names or something. Why the half-assed effort?

The big deal at the end of the day is when the souvenir eggs are distributed to folks as they leave. I guess they used to give out paper certificates, but who wants that? What the people want is something more tangible, more commemorative, and more able to fetch a higher price on eBay. But this year's egg wasn't just any ol' commemorative egg. No, this year the egg was an (wait for it) "environmentally friendly" egg. Wait. What?

Yep. The wooden eggs are supposed to be environmentally friendly. Um, they're made of wood. They are the environment! How does one get more friendly than the environment itself? I don't know! Since you can buy your own egg this year for the low, low price of seven bucks from the National Parks Foundation, I wandered over to their website to learn more about the "green" eggs. The first thing I learned was that they did not come with ham, a situation which I found very disappointing. The next thing I learned was that "Each egg is made in the U.S. from FSC-Certified hardwood from sustainably managed forests." I have no idea if in previous years the eggs were made out of wood harvested directly from the rainforest or what, but they seem to think that the sustainable forest wood is an improvement from before. I don't know if it really is or not, but I do think it's a bit silly.

Heading back over to the Christian Science Monitor, I also learned that the eggs "...use 31 percent less paperboard than the one from 2008. And it eliminates the need for the paper shred/filler." Less paperboard? Wait a minute. I thought they were wooden eggs? They're telling me now that they're made out of cardboard?! Cardboard isn't wood. If it was, you know what they'd call it? Wood! That's right!

Back over at the White House, they claim the cardboard eggs will be colored with "renewable, vegetable oil-based inks" and that the eggs will "... feature an “egg-shaped die cut instead of a cellophane window." Again, I ask, what were they dying the eggs with in previous years that was such an abomination? A dye based out of the remains from baby harp seals? Coal? Were we dying them with coal? Lead-y paint from China, perhaps? As far as the cut, I have no idea what that means and the picture of the eggs is far from helpful. Behold! An egg that may or may not feature an egg-shaped die cut!

Wouldn't it have been even more environmentally friendly to not dye the eggs at all? Just slap a sticker on them or give 'em a good carving and voila! Off to eBay they go! Wouldn't it also have been even more environmentally friendly if the eggs were made from recycled something. I don't know if it's wood or cardboard or what, but I'm thinking if they were made from recycled products, it would be better than using all new environmentally friendly stuff to make these eggs.

I'm beginning to get the feeling that President Barry's administration doesn't think the public is all that bright. First the denial of the bow at Bow-Gate (which they're still inexplicably denying for some reason. Go figure.) and now the introduction of the allegedly "environmentally friendly" and not wooden eggs whose vegetable based dyes may or may not have come from the new White House garden. (That'll be the next claim. Just wait.)

Tell you what. If you want to be the environmentally conscious President that you're trying to be by throwing around the "green" label whenever you can, how about rather than the "green" eggs and no ham, instead you stop flying around on Air Force One all over the place and "green" up a little bit that way? That's the kind of change I can get behind. These environmentally friendly commemorative Easter eggs? Not so much.

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