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The politically correct Nazi task force is at it again. This time, in their idiotic quest to make an issue out of anything that doesn't need to have an issue made out of it, they are attacking Easter. That's right. It's a war on Easter. And if these morons get their way, no longer will there be mention of 'Easter eggs'. No, instead we're going to be calling them 'spring spheres'. Uh, wait. We're what? Correct. Spring spheres. Let's go over to mynorthwest.com and learn about the experience that a sixteen year old girl named Jessica had when she volunteered for a third grade class at a school in the Seattle area. 
long community service project. A fine, fine idea. Jessica decided to volunteer in this particular third grade class. Now, at the end of the week, Jessica said that she "...had an idea to fill little plastic eggs with treats and jelly beans and other candy, but I was kind of unsure how the teacher would feel about that". See, she was unsure because the school has something called "abstract behavior rules." I had not idea what in the world "abstract behavior rules" were, but I came to learn that they were just what they sound like. Stupid and unnecessary. "She said that I could do it as long as I called this treat 'spring spheres.' I couldn't call them Easter eggs." Oh, my God. 
Spring spheres?! That is the most ludicrous thing that I have ever heard. First of all, I'm just going to point out that an egg...IS NOT A SPHERE!! A sphere is perfectly round. A ping-pong ball is a freaking sphere! An EGG is NOT a sphere! Second of all, is anyone really going to be offended at the term 'Easter eggs'? OK, let me rephrase that. Is anyone besides asshats going to be offended? No? OK, then. So, why are we doing this? 
According to Jessica, "When I took them out of the bag, the teacher said, 'Oh look, spring spheres' and all the kids were like 'Wow, Easter eggs.' So they knew." See?! They're not spheres! They're Easter eggs. Freaking, fracking Easter eggs. Why we even entertain these notions at all is beyond me. People just deal to deal with stuff. No, wait. People just need to stop accommodating people who want to complain that they can't deal with stuff. They're not spring spheres. They're certainly not spheres at all. They're Easter eggs. Deal with it.
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Happy Easter. In honor of Easter, let's take a look at some Easter candy ingestion statistics from the UK and try to figure out what in the world is going on over there.
Telegraph, a mystery shopping company (whatever the heck that is) took a poll and found out that "Children will indulge in an average of more than two-and-a-half kilograms of chocolate over the Easter holiday." Wait. Two and a half kilograms?!
The article goes on to state that "...a typical 200g Easter egg has 990 calories and 50 grams of fat, with youngsters aged 10-14 eating an average of 13, many first thing on Easter Sunday." Wait a minute here. A 200 gram chocolate Easter egg is "typical" for those folks? How many grams in a pound? (Let's see....four quarts in a gallon...two cups in a pint...takes one to know one....what's good for the goose....what was the question?) 1 pound = 453.59237 grams. Thus, 200 grams would be a little bit less than half a pound. That's TYPICAL?!?!
course they are, considering that they're eating 5-1/2 pounds of chocolate. That would add up to thirteen of them. How can that be? Why are the Brits buying their kids so much freaking chocolate for Easter? Are they trying to find one thing that they can out-do the US at? How about they pick something else? Something not quite so gluttonous? Or something that could possibly be attained. Trying to out-do the United States at overeating would be the equivalent of trying to out-do Tiger Woods at cocktail waitress banging. It's (sadly) just not going to happen. U-S-A! U-S-A!!
The article says that "...the 15 to 19 age group weighs in with 11 (eggs) each" but "the 40 to 59-year-olds and over-75s have the lowest consumption, with an average of just one." So, these folks are buying pounds and pounds of chocolate for their kids, but limiting their own egg consumption to just one? That seems...counterintuitive at best. They give their kids tons of chocolate eggs, but consume the absolute minimum themselves. I'm still noodling through why this would be. Soft, soft headed individuals is what I'm guessing. Whatever the answer, it certainly isn't rooted in anything rational or justifiable.
'hunt the Easter egg' event for their children." First of all, it's an Easter egg hunt. If you're going to adopt it, at least call it by its given name. Second, we're absolutely not hunting for half pound chocolate eggs. The outdoor Easter egg hunts that I participated in as a small child involved real eggs! They were hard-boiled (because it would have just been weird otherwise) and dyed different colors, but they were real eggs. In addition to the real eggs, there were also those colored plastic eggs that you could put like ONE tiny chocolate egg inside of. Again, if you're going to adopt something, try to keep our wacky ways in tact, would you? Thanks. 
I don't know what to think about all of this (other than next year right before Easter, it might be time for me to invest some money by buying some sort of confectionery stocks or glucose meters). Five an a half pounds of chocolate in one day. Even when I was a little kid and that would have sounded like an appealing event to partake in, I highly doubt I could have done it without some sort of reversal of fortune occurring before the end of the day.
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Please stop with all of the "going green" proclamations on things that are just silly. If you're GM or you're PG&E or you're Dell or you're Chevron and you want to "go green", have at it. But if you're just going to claim that you're "green" just to be cool or to come across as devoted to the environment and the saving thereof, please don't. Again, don't get me wrong, I'm all for saving the planet and I'm all for doing things that are environmentally responsible. Please do whatever you can to conserve resources and use/waste less. Just as long as those things that you do don't cause others to roll their eyes back into their head. 
annual White House Easter Egg Roll. Apparently this tradition has been around since the 1800s and it's hard to tell where or why it got its start. While it may sound like a side dish at a Chinese restaurant, the Egg Roll at the White House is quite different and actually involves real eggs (unlike the tasty appetizers). And it's just what it sounds like it is: A bunch of children rolling eggs across the White House lawn with long spoons. Granted, you'd have to surmise a bit to guess the part about the long spoons, but really, how else would you go about it? Exactly.
who are presumably monitoring all the Christians over there at the Christian Science Monitor, President Barry spoke to the crowd, estimated to be around 30,000. (Really?! 30k? Did they all know what it was that they were there for? Seriously, how many of them showed up because they thought someone said "Keg Bowl" and were hoping for free beer? Plenty, I'm almost certain of it.) His words of wisdom (or something) included the following: "This is one of the greatest White House traditions because it reminds us that this is the people’s house.” What in the hell does that mean?
u that you're living in the "people's house"? Right. Because you don't always have the time to venture out into the society that you lead where you can see us all in our day-to-day element. Getting up, going to work, rolling our eggs across our lawns (in lieu of eating them as a regular person or an animal would do) like absolute morons. Yep! I can see why the Easter Egg Roll reminds you of your dumb, dumb subjects that you reign over. Thanks for that, President Barry.
ugh the Easter Egg Roll tradition still continues at the White House, all other egg-themed events that once took place on the same day have not carried over into modern times. Events such as "egg picking", "egg ball" and "egg croquet" have come and gone without a lot of fanfare. And is it any wonder, really? Seems to me like all they were doing was taking any game or sport that was out there and putting "egg" in the title and then, presumably, using a real egg to play the game. "Baseball" or "basketball" becomes "egg ball". "Ice hockey" becomes "egg hockey". "Polo"? You got it, "Eggs and Horses". You know, it's not like they had the Internet in the 1800s to waste all of their time on. You'd think that they could have spent their time thinking up better names or something. Why the half-assed effort? 
for the low, low price of seven bucks from the National Parks Foundation, I wandered over to their website to learn more about the "green" eggs. The first thing I learned was that they did not come with ham, a situation which I found very disappointing. The next thing I learned was that "Each egg is made in the U.S. from FSC-Certified hardwood from sustainably managed forests." I have no idea if in previous years the eggs were made out of wood harvested directly from the rainforest or what, but they seem to think that the sustainable forest wood is an improvement from before. I don't know if it really is or not, but I do think it's a bit silly. 
I'm beginning to get the feeling that President Barry's administration doesn't think the public is all that bright. First the denial of the bow at Bow-Gate (which they're still inexplicably denying for some reason. Go figure.) and now the introduction of the allegedly "environmentally friendly" and not wooden eggs whose vegetable based dyes may or may not have come from the new White House garden. (That'll be the next claim. Just wait.) 
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Today is Easter, that annual holiday that is celebrated in the US by joyful festivities involving eggs and rabbits in order to accurately depict the crucifixion of Christ and his resurrection. Or something like that. Maybe we just like eggs. But did you know that other countries have slightly different ways of celebrating Easter? They do. Take the Philippines, for example. Let's see if you can nail the subtle differences between Easter celebrations in the US and Easter celebrations in the Philippines. You're going to want to pay close attention because, as I just said, the differences are subtle.
Now, in the Philippines, thousands of people will flock to San Fernando City to flay the skin off of their back and/or to crucify themselves. ("To flay" means "to strip off the skin". "To crucify" means "to nail to a cross, a la Jesus.") Not sure of the differences? Let's try another.
Scenario Two: In the US, thousands of people will participate in Easter picnics and Easter dinners that have been prepared by family and/or friends. In the Philippines, thousands of people have been warned by the health secretary to not buy food from the street vendors to a) save money and to b) avoid getting diseases such as diarrhea, hepatitis A and typhoid. Still stuck? OK, one more and then I'll clue you in.
Scenario Three: In the US, people get a tetanus shot after they have accidentally stepped on a nail or some other sort of metal object. The tetanus shot is not something that is thought of as a necessary accessory to the observance of a religious holiday, either. Also, people in the US who make it known that they use whips AND use them on themselves, are solely responsible for the condition of their whip and any damage that they inflict upon themselves with said whip. They're not getting any pointers; they're on their own. (And people who do not use whips do not want to know anything about the people who do use whips.) In the Philippines, people get a tetanus shot before they purposely flay the skin off of their backs or purposely drive nails through their hands or feet to re-enact the crucifixion. They are also reminded by the government to check the condition of the whip that they will be using for lashing their backs, as a dirty whip can lead to a variety of different infections. Let's review.
In Scenario One, the main difference between the tradition in the US and the tradition in the Philippines is that, in the US there are not thousands of people nailing themselves to a cross to re-enact the crucifixion of Christ. Nor are there thousands of people in the US who are flaying (removing) the skin off of their backs with whips because they believe it is good for the soul. No, that is what they do in the Philippines on Easter. No, from what I can tell, they're more of a "hands-on" celebratory crowd than we are. Most in the US prefer to read about stuff that involves flagellation and limb nailing. We don't really feel the need for such re-enactments. Or such pain. That's probably why we're all going to hell.
In Scenario Two, the main differences between the food consumed in the US and the food consumed in the Philippines is that in the US, we are rarely warned not to buy food from vendors to avoid getting diarrhea, hepatitis A and/or typhoid. Nor are we warned to not buy food from vendors to save money. (Saving money is a very low priority in this country. It actually ranks below getting typhoid.) Now, lead? That's a totally different story. We're a very lead-y nation these days (Thanks, China!) and we are rarely warned about the lead in our products before we buy them. No, we're usually informed that it would not be a good idea to buy such things after we've bought them. So, the Philippines are way ahead of us in terms of PR. They're right on top of that 'getting the word out' thing. It's either "get the word out" or "get diarrhea". I, personally, am glad they went with "the word".
In Scenario Three, the main difference between the timing of getting a tetanus shot is that in the US, we are rarely getting a tetanus shot as a preventative measure ahead of time. We are even more rarely getting a tetanus shot because we have plans to whip out our Palosade Nail Gun and affix ourselves to a makeshift cross after consuming a lovely, typhoid and diarrhea-free brunch of glazed ham and green beans while surrounded by loved ones. Also, in the US, we really prefer not to know who is using whips and what they are using them for. Thus, the government certainly isn't going to issue any sort of health & safety warnings about proper and improper whip usage and how to spot the difference between the two.
In the Philippines, they DO nail themselves to crosses to re-enact the crucifixion and they DO get a tetanus shot before said nailings. And the government has even gone as far as to help out these soon-to-be-crucified-but-still-not-Christ individuals by making sure that all of the nails that will be used have been autoclaved for cleanliness. (I'm assuming that, were the autoclave a more prominent appliance in the US, there would be far more cross nailings during holidays such as this.) The government in the Philippines will also remind all self-flagellators that a dirty whip can have some serious health consequences. (Do they have a mascot for that campaign?) They do so because, as the Health Secretary of the Philippines said, "It's hard to discourage flagellants from whipping their own flesh, so the best penitents can do is ensure that their whips are well-maintained." Right you are, sir. Right you are.
Different lands. Different cultures. Different ways of celebrating religious holidays. Some from limb nailing regions, some not. Myself, I prefer my Easter to be a bit less nail-y than they do over there in the Philippines. Actually, I like my Easter to be completely sans nails. EVERY time. But even with all of the differences, there is one thing that we have in common with the Philippines in our ways of celebrating Easter. Coca-Cola. That's correct. In the US, Coca-Cola is the official sponsor of NASCAR, American Idol and several other public events. In the Philippines, Coca-Cola is the official sponsor of this Nail-y Crucifixion Festival. And I can understand that completely. Think about it. It's Easter. It's hot. You're nailed to a cross. And you're a little parched. What do you say?
"Jesus, I'm thirsty! How about a Coke?!"
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