Wash Your Willie!

We don't hear a lot about how all of that stimulus money is being spent, do we? We don't even hear whether it worked or not. Some folks say it did, some folks say it didn't. Since I guess that opinion depends on how your current situation is, it's really hard to say. But if I had to guess, I would say that the stimulus money hasn't done all that it could have done because it has been spent on dumbass things that have absolutely nothing to do with stimulating the economy over here. Hmm. Perhaps 'dumbass' is a bit harsh. I don't know. You tell me. Is it 'dumbass' to spend almost a million dollars "...on a study by a UCLA research team to teach uncircumcised African men how to wash their genitals after having sex." Wait. What was the question?

The question was just what you read that it was. According to something called CNS News, "The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), a division of the National Institutes of Health (NIH), spent $823,200 of economic stimulus funds in 2009" on just such a study. The care and feeding of one's grundle in Africa. Paid for with stimulus funds that were paid for by your tax dollars. Why is this an important study? Well, from what I can tell, it's not. It's not even close to being an important study. It's certainly far from being worth almost a million bucks of dough that was supposed to be injected into the American economy, that is pretty clear to me.

But I could be wrong. Let's go over some specifics. First of all, this is a multi-tiered study and it's only the penis washing part that received stimulus money. (There's a sentence I never thought I'd type.) Second, they decided upon the genitalia cleansing goal because they "...have been unsuccessful in convincing most adult African men to undergo circumcision" so they're going to attempt "...to determine whether researchers can develop an after-sex genitalia-washing regimen that they can then convince uncircumcised African men to follow."

Now, one of the first things that I thought (that was printable) when I heard this was, "Why does anyone give a fat rat's ass whether or not African men can keep their unit clean after all of the sex?" That question is a little hard to answer, as it wasn't made real clear (shocking, I know). The closest that I could find to an answer was in the part of this grant that said: "If we find that men are able to practice consistent washing practices after sex, we will plan to test whether this might protect men from becoming HIV infected in a later study." Wait. What?

Um, don't we know how HIV is spread? Does bathing one's grundle prevent HIV? I'm not so sure that it does. I'm pretty sure that it won't. It sounds kind of like a fairly simple solution to not get HIV. Just wash off the ol' unit after the inadvisable coitus that you just engaged in and go about your way! That's not what we've been taught. Is it? I don't think that it is. But maybe they know something I don't. I, personally, don't own a penis, so I don't know how this might possibly translate into the real world. Do you have a penis? Do you wash it? Do you have HIV? I guess if you answered yes to the first two questions and no to the third, then I can deduce that the practice does work? Good Lord, I hope that's not the conclusion that I come to.

You know what part of this makes me think that this is just a complete waste of time? All of it, that is correct. But do you want to know specifically which part? It's where they explain "If most of the men in the study wash their genitals after sex, are willing to do so after the study ends, and report that their partners accept the regimen, the researchers will develop another study to see if the “penile cleansing procedure” actually works to prevent HIV infections." These are the kind of folks who just do not see the benefit in washing the wang after doing the ol' horizontal watusi. These are the kind of folks whose partners might be unaccepting of a dried-off dingus. What possible benefit were they offering these folks to participate in this study?

What is the water situation over there, anyway? I'm guessing that indoor plumbing is out for most of the folks that would be involved in this sort of practice, yes? How feasible is this anyway? I'm guessing not very. How feasible is it that the stimulus money that was spent on penis polishing practices did not stimulate the US economy? Again, I'm guessing not very. And how feasible is it that this could be justified by the weasel that got the money for this study? Judging from the fact that he did not answer the question (posed by CNS News), "The Census Bureau says the median household income in the United States is $52,000. How would you explain to the average American mom and dad -- who make $52,000 per year -- that taxing them to pay for this grant was justified?” I'm going to stick with my answer of 'not very'.

Too bad they couldn't have used this money to teach some of the People of Wal-Mart how to wash themselves. Or, at the very least, dress themselves. Now that would have been justifiable!

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It's Essential You Get That Which Does Nothing

Back in January when President Barry was getting ready to take office, he had already made the members of the House and the Senate giddy with joy at the prospect of getting that Recovery Plan underway. Money, money everywhere! Because if there's one thing that makes our elected Representatives happy, it's money.

A lot of people, myself included, were not sold on the whole stimulus package idea or on the whole TARP idea. Actually, I'm rarely sold on a program that is going to cost $750 billion dollars for a problem that could have been largely avoided if the people who were proposing a solution had actually done their jobs in the first place and provided some regulation and oversight of the housing and mortgage industries. Yeah, I'm pretty much ALWAYS against throwing money at a problem when you don't even know what the problem is.

Enter Joe Biden.

Who?

You know, Joe Biden. He's the Vice President! That white haired guy that President Barry was always traveling around with during the campaign. No, now you're thinking of John McCain. Not him. John McCain was the guy who traveled around the country with Tina Fey. Joe Biden is the Vice President. He's the only one standing in the way of Nancy Pelosi becoming President if something untoward should happen to President Barry. (And if there was ever a better reason for a Vice President, I haven't heard of one, that's for sure.)

Joe Biden goes on a show called "This Week" on ABC and he's being interviewed by George Stephanopoulos and he says, "The figures we worked off of in January were the consensus figures and most of the blue chip indexes out there. We misread how bad the economy was, but we are now only about 120 days into the recovery package." This according to The Huffington Post. Um, OK. Sooooo.....what are you saying, exactly?

Biden said that "...the 9.5 percent unemployment rate is much too high." The administration had predicted unemployment would stay below 8 percent with its stimulus plan. Wait!

The prediction! I remember the prediction! They had a graph to show their prediction! And if I recall correctly (and I do because...well, I know how this is going to turn out), the graph of THEIR PREDICTION showed what the unemployment rate would look like with a stimulus package and what it would look like without a stimulus package. And the graph showed these differences between now and the first quarter of 2014. I clearly remember this because in the end, with or without spending the gazillion dollars, the unemployment rate would be the SAME in 2014 if there WAS a stimulus package or if there was NOT a stimulus package. Behold!

At the time of this lovely graph, I distinctly remember saying that perhaps we should just NOT spend the $747 billion dollars and see how things work out on their own. Because the way that economies have traditionally worked throughout history, they correct themselves. Why must we be in such an expensive hurry?

And lo and behold (brother and sister of flora and fauna), not only has the stimulus package failed to do anything other than stimulate the diabolical minds of members of Congress as they try to figure out how to get their hands on some of this free flowing cash, but unemployment is now only slightly worse than it would have been if the stimulus plan had not been enacted. Oh, and when I say "enacted" I mean "paid for through higher taxes paid by you and me". Nice.

But wait! Again, according to The Huffington Post "Biden noted that the plan was set up to spend the money over 18 months. Major programs will take effect in September, including $7.5 billion for broadband Internet service, plus new money for high-speed rail and the nation's electrical grid." Um, wait. What?

Internet service? Because having everyone in the country being able to access free porn on a moment's notice (or urge) is going to help the unemployment rate? Free porn contributes to the unemployment rate. Why do you think so many people are content with being unemployed? That's right! Home all day with free porn! Fire me! Fire me next!

And if I have to hear one more damn thing about a high speed rail system, I'm going to lose it. Sure, that would be just grand if a) we were the Jetsons and b) if there was a need for it. Seriously. Do you know how long these yo-yos in California have been talking about a bullet train that goes from here in the Bay Area to Los Angeles in something like 2 hours? For years! Do you know how many times voters have approved funding to study the damn thing? A gazillion! Has there even been one ounce of dirt moved in order to make this thing happen? Hell no! The thing is, they study everything about this project except for the most important factor and that is how many freaking people do you think are in the Bay Area that need to go to Los Angeles? RIGHT NOW! Not enough to warrant their little bullet train dealio. And all of the folks like Joe Biden who are advocating transportation like that are so enamored with the idea of it all that they conveniently forget that we DON'T NEED IT! Gadzooks, what is wrong with you people?

But what do other members of Congress have to say about this? Oh, just wait. Here's my favorite line. It comes to us courtesy of a one Steny Hoyer, D-MD, who is the House Majority Leader. He said "...no one is satisfied with the results of the stimulus so far...." Good. Way to go there, Steny! You tell them! "...but we believe the stimulus was absolutely essential." Wait. What now?

You believe it was absolutely essential?! Essential for WHAT?! It hasn't DONE anything! It hasn't even come CLOSE to DOING anything! Unemployment hasn't even gone down a LITTLE bit! No, it's gone UP! What was it "essential" for? You sir, seem like a maroon when you make statements like that.

We're so doomed. It hasn't done anything, but we needed it? If that is the general consensus among the collective House and Senate, we're totally doomed. Do I need to point out that if something hasn't done anything then clearly we did NOT need it? ::: sigh ::: Apparently, I do.

Hey, Joe Biden. I don't give a fat rat's arse if you "misread" the economy. (What the hell is a "blue chip index" anyway? Are they corn or tortilla?) Now that you've admitted that you've made a mistake, are you going to fix it? Are you going to re-do your figures and your calculations and figure out what the impact of your all mighty stimulus package is going to be now? Because so far, you've spent tons of money and I've spent zero money and we've both achieved the same not-so-stellar results, economy-wise that is.

I'll tell you what. I dare you to stop spending money and to stop trying to artificially fix this thing. Come on! It'll be like an experiment! It'll be fun! What's the worst that could happen? Really? From what I can tell, the worst that could happen is that no money would be spent and the economy would do what it's going to do anyway, regardless of the stimulus money. But I see what's coming.

You're going to pump all of MY money into a bunch of pet projects for a bunch of blowhard Congressmen and Congresswomen and THEN when the economy begins to recover AS IT WOULD HAVE WITHOUT THE MONEY you're going to take the credit for it being your glorious stimulus package that is responsible for it all! Arent' you? Of course you are! We are so doomed.

I'll give Joe Biden this much: At least he said that they "misread" whatever it was that they did. I would have preferred a "we effed up", but I'll take "misread" for now. However, I'll only take "misread" once. If I have to hear in a couple of months about how something else was "misread", I won't be quite so impressed.

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What's That Number Again, Joe?

And I was worried that there wouldn't be enough material to make fun of when Grandpa Old Man Senator John McCain lost the Presidential election and wouldn't be in the public eye every day. He was a near endless source of amusement, especially toward the end of the campaign when you could tell he really needed a nap. In his state of elderly exhaustion, things just came flying out of his mouth that would have been sheer genius if they were intended to be funny and to mock the old. But they weren't, so instead he was the one being mocked.

But those days are over and new ones are upon us! And I knew that this guy would eventually poke his head out of his shell and give us a glimpse of what we're in for. I just wasn't sure how long it would take before he would do the head poking. Turns out, it was just a little over a month. Meet my new source for go-to political entertainment, Vice President Joe Biden!

VP Biden is one of those guys that, once you get to know him you realize that he is a really smart man and really does know what he's doing. But the other thing you realize when you get to know the guy is that he might know what he's doing, but he doesn't always seem to know what he's saying. Or if he does know what he's saying, he certainly doesn't do a very good job of letting other people know that he knows what he's talking about. Other times, he's crystal clear though. Some times, too clear.

Take for example, back when he was trying to campaign for the Presidential nomination. (This guy has tried to run for President at least twice, maybe three times. And no one wanted him for President, but they were just fine with him being Vice President. Go figure. I guess having President Barry leading the charge works well no matter who you are.) During the Democratic primary he told a crowd that Rudy Giuliani always mentions three things in every sentence - ``a noun, a verb, and 9/11''. That's funny stuff. Funnier because it's true, but still funny.

Then there was the campaign in 2008. That's when Joe made it clear that he might understand the importance of getting people in this country employed, and at the same time made it appear as if his counting skills need a bit of work when he told a crowd, "Look, John's last-minute economic plan does nothing to tackle the number-one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs."

(By the way, that little bit of amusement reminds me of this little roadside cafe somewhere in fairly rural Idaho where the menu offers you a "Choice of three vegetables: Carrots, peas, macaroni and cheese." And I remember reading that and thinking, "Morons. That's four.")

This is also the guy who, before Obama announced that he had chosen him to be his running mate, was asked by a reporter if he had anything to report on. Biden thinks for a second and then says, "A successful dump." Too much information, but still hilarious.

But we haven't heard anything out of Joe the Veep since the inauguration. Well, wait no longer! We can thank Al Gore for inventing the Internet for this one! (That darned Internet. All of those tubes and pipes, they just confuse the hell out of some folks.) First we had Vice President Biden directing 80 mayors (who had all gathered for some sort of powwow at the White House last Friday) to the wrong website when he gave out the wrong URL. Biden told them that it was recovery.com when in fact it is recovery.gov. Now, that's not so much funny as it is just a bit embarrassing. (Psst! Biden! It's dot-g-o-v. GOV. Like in government! That's how you can try to remember it in the future. GOV, like in government. Got that? Um, hello?)

But this is actually amusing. Below we have a short clip of Joe Biden appearing on the Early Show on CBS Wednesday morning. Biden is the one in charge of getting the stimulus money distributed and overseeing that it is spent in the most effective manner. The ways that all of that money is being spent is supposed to be put on a website that the public can access and see how all of our money is being wasted, I mean, used. So we can see where all of our money is being used. When asked for the name of the website, Joe had a bit of a problem. For some reason, he could not come up with recovery.gov. Not only could he not come up with the name of it, he couldn't even come up with the term "website address" or even "URL". No, instead he asked someone if they knew the "website number". The conversation went something like this (the video clip follows):

RODRIGUEZ: By the way, do you know the website?
BIDEN: You know, I am embarrassed. You know the website number? You know, I should have it in front of me, and I don't. I'm actually embarrassed.
RODRIGUEZ: All right. I'm going call your office, too, and get it.
BIDEN: It is recovery.gov. Recovery.gov.
RODRIGUEZ: Recovery -- is that up and running already?
BIDEN: That's up and running.

Look, the guy is only 66, but that is enough for me to give him a pass on the term "URL". But I can't give him or anyone else a pass on "website number". When was the last time that he dialed up the ol' Internet there I wonder? Hooks up that 1200 Baud coupler modem does he? Let's that thing just dial away? Even just "What's the name of the website?" would have been better than "website number" Was he up all night with Al Gore inventing the Internet and so he was a little tired? Come on!

Is he the one in charge of getting all of the info uploaded to the website number? Because if he is, I'm a little worried. Actually, I'm already a little worried about this whole deal, I don't need a website number fiasco making me more worried. (Oh, and if you're headed over to that website number to see where all of your money has gone, don't bother. It has lovely charts (not pie, nor graph, but rather, bubble! Hey, it's change you can believe in! Or something.) but the charts don't tell you anything because the money hasn't been "spent" yet. You'd think they could have up there who is getting what, but as of today, they don't.

At least when McCain made his ridiculous statements, I was OK with some of them because at the time that he said them, a) he was old and b) he was harmless. Joe Biden isn't really either one of those, as I don't consider 66 to be "old". And when Dick Cheney was Vice President, he shot his best friend in the face, so I'm not so much feeling the "harmless" either. Could someone over there at Camp Obama please show Joe how to turn on the Internet and check the website number of the stimulus package, please? Your country awaits.

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Out of Touch and Overstimulated

Can we please get one, just one, one politician in Washington who can actually hear what it is that they're saying so that they can realize how ridiculous it sounds and how ineffective their plan is going to be? Perhaps it is so hard for them to hear what they're saying because they all seem to have their head so far up their arse that it would be difficult to hear anything, really. (It would be very muffled.) OR, perhaps they've just morons. Either one is not exactly a glowing letter of recommendation, nor an affirmation of any degree of faith in them to do their jobs effectively. Yeah, hardly either one of those.

I shall begin with the plans for 'fixing' the economy as laid out by Barry Obama and his crew. First of all, remember that stimulus package that was approved last year and everyone got sent a nice check that they were supposed to go out and spend so that the economy would be 'stimulated'? That didn't work so well. In fact, it was less than stimulating at best. But now they're ready to throw more money into the economy in a similar fashion. Wait! Wait! Has anyone looked at WHY that didn't work before? Because if you're going to do the same thing again and hope for a different result, isn't that kind of implying that it was just bad timing? Oh, wait, that sounds silly! That's because it is silly to think that. But what's even sillier is not figuring out why it didn't work the first time before doing it again.

Then there's Barry's magical creation of millions of jobs plan! You may or may not recall (perhaps because you were too busy swooning at the sound of Barry's voice and the thrill of witnessing the next Messiah to actually hear anything he was actually saying) that while he was campaigning, Barry said he was going to create a million jobs. A. Million. As in 'one'. One million. (Actually, what he ended up saying was he would create OR save a million jobs. He finally had to clarify that when pressed on the issue by people who wouldn't let up or fall for that freakishly infectious smile that he flashes when he's cornered.) Then a couple of weeks ago that number climbed to three million jobs created or saved. NOW the number is at 4.1 million jobs created or saved with no, I mean NONE, no indication as to where that number comes from, how that will be achieved or when/if it can even be achieved. Creating and/or saving a million jobs is a pretty impressive thing to be able to claim that you can do. But then to up that number by 3.1 million jobs over a span of just a couple of weeks? That's amazing! He IS our Savior!! Ugh.

Now, Barry's camp has posted online their 14-page analysis of their wishful thinking as to how this could turn out. Or not. I share with you my favorite page, Page Four! Behold!

By looking at Page Four, you will notice that, by the year 2014, after dumping billions and billions of dollars into fixing this problem, the result is (wait for it) ....... exactly the same as if billions and billions of dollars had not been dumped into fixing this problem! Well, hey now, that's interesting. Yes, I realize that by putting the billions in there it would seem to alleviate what could be a really, really crappy 2010. But I also realize that I've been saying that a recession is a natural occurrence in a market on occasion. They do happen. (Depressions, by the way, seem to be the result of bad government and governing. Thus, if people know what they're doing and dealing with, when recession comes along, as it will, then it can be prevented from spiraling into a depression if proper management is applied. And if you didn't get it before, now do you see why I'm flippin' out?! Because the people in charge are clueless, that is correct. We'll all be in line at the barrel store by next Wednesday if they keep this up.) And a natural occurrence would seem, by definition, to come and go on its own, as illustrated by Barry's chart. So why is it that it is so important to put a bunch of money into something that's going to fix itself? I don't know. Maybe one of Barry's folks could tell me, because no one else has even brought this up. (Leave it to me, yeah, I know.)

Could. It could be really crappy. It could not be really crappy also. That's because they don't know. They really don't. They say so on my second favorite page, Page Three. "....It should be understood that all of the estimates presented in this memo are subject to significant margins of error. Our estimates of economic relationships and rules of thumb are derived from historical experience and so will not apply exactly in any given episode. Furthermore, the uncertainty is surely higher than normal now because the current recession is unusual both in its fundamental causes and its severity." (Translation: This COULD be how it turns out. This also could NOT be how it turns out. We'll have to wait and see.)

But it's not just Barry's team that isn't making a lot of sense, yet still plowing straight ahead without looking back. It's everywhere! As we look at the situation surround the TARP dealio. TARP (which should have stood for Tossing Aside Reasonable Processes) was the $750 billion that you and I oh-so-graciously loaned the government to infuse into the "cash-strapped" banks so that they could resume lending to people who were actually qualified to borrow the money that they needed in the first place. (The problem was that the banks weren't so keen on lending their money any more, having already loaned it out to people who could never pay it back (and didn't) and then losing their shirts. The United States Banking Industry, ladies and gentlemen! Try the veal! Tip your servers! They'll be here all week!)

The thing about the "loaning" of the first half of the $750 billion is that there wasn't any real way to track what the banks were doing with it. Correct. The government is doling out billions of dollars and has no way to see where it's going or what's been done with it. Nice. But NOW Barney Frank wants to add some "strings" to the second half of that $750 billion. "Strings" like banning some bonuses and "strings" like the relinquishing of private jets. (Some bonuses? Not all bonuses? What's the point then? Who, exactly, is it that needs a gazillion dollar bonus for the fledgling company? No one, that is correct. Onward. Onward to doom!) And according to the AP, "The new conditions also would include a better method for the government to track whether banks are using the money to boost lending." Barney Frank: "We will trust but verify." A "better method"? Shouldn't that be "A method", since they didn't have one before?! What is wrong with these people?

They're going to "trust but verify"? Oh, I see. Because trust has gotten them SO far up to this point, might as well keep going with it, yes? NO! Are they crazy?! They HAVE to put in there that there's no private planes and no bonuses. Why? Because if they didn't, they'd be flying around on their private planes rolling around naked in their piles of money that they received for their bonuses like some sort of porn laden Scrooge McDuck, that's why! How about instead of "trust but verify", you have the banks give you an itemized list of what they need the money for and then you actually read the document and then you dole out money where it is supposed to go on the behalf of the banks? How about that plan instead of your "trust but verify" disaster over there? No? Disaster instead? Disaster it is then.

Hey, wait a minute! No, that's not OK! And it's not OK for two reasons! One is that I'm not real big on disaster overall. And two because that's MY money! All of this money that's being tossed around by the boatload is taxpayer money! Yo! Taxpayer here!! And here's what no one seems to understand: Every dollar that you put into the economy to stimulate it is a dollar that has to come out of the economy! Wait. What?

YES! It comes OUT of the economy to go back INTO the economy. All of that money that's being tossed around? That money is borrowed. It's not magic money! It has to come from somewhere! Look at it like this: The money that is borrowed has to get paid back. You and I pay it back in the from of tax dollars that, had we not had to pay back that money, could have gone into the economy. But now those dollars don't go into the economy, they stay OUT of the economy by paying back the loan for the money that was borrowed. (OK, maybe don't look at it exactly like that, because that explanation still might be a little confusing, but trust me. We're getting screwed.)

But we're back to Square One here. Why didn't the first stimulus package work? Well, I'd have to guess that people who are concerned about losing their job, paying their bills, etc., are not going to go out and spend any money that is given to them and that keeps that money out of the economy. That would be my guess and if I'm right then I would expect the same thing to happen if another economic stimulus package was passed through. Only this time, since things are economically worse than before, I would expect the amount of cash infused back into the economy to be less than before, making it an even worse idea than before.

What's really unfortunate is that so many people have been living beyond their means for so long that it isn't really that feasible to just ride this thing out. When you don't have anything saved up to live on for just such an occasion, you're kind of screwed when you need cash. So I understand the want/need to fix this mess, but can someone please, for the love of God, please do something that makes sense? Show us your plan that you can explain what it does and why you think it will work. Show us your plan that has a system in place for accountability and consequences. Then do it and follow through. If you did it that way from the beginning, you might have only had to do this once!

::::sigh::::: Good luck, Barry. I certainly hope there are some Economics 101 books lying around the White House somewhere.

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