Trumping Trump

Last night was the White House Correspondents Dinner. I would love to attend that wingding one day (and not just because the super cute Seth Myers is usually in attendance), but I had thought it was just for journalists and the media. I apparently thought wrong. Very wrong. There's hope for me yet. I saw Paula Abdul there, for cryin' out loud. And my arch nemesis Morgan Fairchild was even in the audience. (Yes, there's a story behind that one. You can email me if you must have the sordid details of why I will likely hold a lifelong grudge against Ms. Fairchild.) So I don't see why I can't go.

Below are the two halves of Seth Meyers humorous speech. Yes, I realize that it's long, but I find Seth Meyers to be intellectually amusing, so it doesn't seem quite as long. Regardless, if you're just interested in the good stuff, skip the first one and catch the second one. I think it's right after the first two minutes that he starts in on Donald Trump. And while his Trump jokes might not have been that great, Trump's reaction to them is that great. He sits there stonefaced and doesn't even crack a wisp of a smile. Welcome to the public world of politics, Donald. People don't care how rich you are or how great you think you are. You're going to get made fun of. I mean, with that hair along, how could you not?

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Rhymes With Boy Schism

Some things are just better left unsaid. Forever. Just don't ever say them. Case in point would be the suggestion that one one Rosanna Scotto came up with during an on-air debate. Better left unsaid, I'm telling you.

Here's the situation: The issue at hand was phrased by the aforementioned Rosanna Scotto as "Should milk that's not from a cow be called milk?" Apparently, the milk industry is having issues with other things being called milk. Whatever. Have they just become aware of this? Apparently. Anyway, that was the question posed.

One of the ingenius newspeople there responded with "Sure. We call mother's milk 'milk' and it's not from a cow." Wait. What now? Yeah, it's not from a cow, but it's still MILK, you moron. What a weak argument. That's the best you could come up with? So far...yes.

The person who phrased the question responded with "They're talking about things like soy milk. You know, rice milk." OK, I think we're clear here. While those two things, the soy and the rice, don't necessarily excrete milk as defined, they do excrete a milky substance which I would think would qualify as milk. I mean, come on. If something is labeled "soy milk" am I really expecting that the soy in that instance came from a cow? Am I going to be surprised to learn that soy milk did not come from a cow? I don't think that I am.

Anyway, the genius who made the mother's milk analogy piped in with "Yeah, what else are we going to call it? Soy juice?" And here is where the problem began.

Apparently, Rosanna was on some sort of a roll with what else to call the juice that is not from a cow, but that is still milk-like in substance. And she blurted out the uncouth answer of....well....the video is below.

Wow. Did she really say that? I think she did. I don't know if I can actually type those words out. I know I don't want to. How about if I just say that the name that she suggested for the soy milk was "Soy something". Let's just say that it rhymes with "boy schism", OK? How's that? Yes, I know. It's terrible? Really, ma'am? You felt it was OK to just blurt that out, did you? Is this really what we've come to? (No pun intended.)

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Press Corps Not Invited To Next Birthday Party

Yesterday was President Barry's 48th birthday and I'm sure that the people in his homeland over there in Kenya were celebrating until all hours! Oh, I kid! I kid! He's not a Muslim! What? Oh, right! Different wingnuts. Different Obama Conspiracy Theory. Sorry. He was born in the United States! I know there are those of you out there who love a good conspiracy theory, but you're going to have to look elsewhere for one this time. He's not a Kenyan!

So how'd his birthday go you ask? Depends on how you look at it. If your idea of a good time is spending your birthday with an 89-year old woman who shares the same birthday, then it was probably splendid. If your idea of a good time is NOT spending your birthday with that same 89-year old woman, then it probably wasn't all that great for President Barry. But I think it's the former, rather than the latter, this case. He was the one that initiated the joint celebration after all!


The 89-year old woman who is President Barry's Birthday Buddy is a one Helen Thomas. And nothing personal, but Helen Thomas is not exactly a robust looking 89-years old. She looks like she's been around since the Johnson Administration. What's that? She HAS?!?! Both a columnist and veteran news service correspondent Ms. Thomas was the first female bureau chief for a wire service and has been a member of the White House press corps since Abraham LincolnJohn F. Kennedy was in office.

While just looking at her scares the holy bejeezus out of me, she might be the only hope that real journalism and reporting has left. Her perspective? "We in the press have a special role since there is no other institution in our society that can hold the President accountable. I do believe that our democracy can endure and prevail only if the American people are informed." For that, she gets a pass for that red nail polish. That's all, though. There's too much good material to come out of her antics for me to let much more than that slide. By the way, her birthday wishes, according to the AP, were "world peace, no prejudice and a real health care reform bill." 89 years old and that's what you want, eh? All right. I guess.

The video below shows President Barry walking into the press briefing room with a plate of cupcakes for Ms. Thomas. I have to say that I think I physically cringed when listening to the reactions of the members of the press (and I use the term "the press" extremely loosely) when President Barry emerged. First you hear a distinctly audible, "Oh my God!" from some dude who sounds like one of the world's biggest brown nosers. Dude, would you please take your nose out of President Barry's arse. It's highly unbecoming of an adult. Really.

They just did not know what to do with themselves. When they first realized who it was, there was a long and revered chorus of "Ohhhhh....!!!" It was as if they had just been shown a new washer and dryer on The Price Is Right. Ooohhh!!! Aaahhhh!!! You have the guys getting video yelling at the guys taking still pics to "Get down!" "Down!" (And to my surprise, they got down! Very obedient, those still photographers are.) Then the dumbasses are just shouting out any question that they possibly can, some trying to get their question in whilst President Barry is singing "Happy Birthday". I'm pretty sure that it's the same dude who exclaimed the "Oh my God!" that was yelling (in a highly obnoxious voice that sounds surprisingly similar to that of Ralph Kramden) "Happy Birthday Mister President!" It took him about three tries to complete the entire sentence, but since he's the only one you can hear, it was really annoying.

Right as the song is wrapping up, the dude in the front row with the white shirt says loudly, "This is because...this is because you LOVE her questions!" Um, NO. You jackass. It's because it's her, follow me here, her birthday and it just happens to be on the same day that the President's birthday is. I'll take this opportunity to remind you that these are members of the press who are acting like the screaming throngs of German fans at a David Hasselhoff concert.

Some dude in the back yells, "Faster!" right around the 0:31 mark. Faster than what? Do you have some place to go? If so then, by all means, please...leave! Right around the 1:01 mark you have Ralph Kramden yelling again at President Barry, "Happy Birthday to YOU!" :::: sigh :::: What paper does he work for so that I can make sure I never read it. Somewhere around the 1:20 mark, President Barry tells the press pool what Helen Thomas wished for. "She and I also had a common birthday wish. She said she hoped for a real health-care reform bill." Of course, something that witty is worthy of loud and forced guffawing from the gaggle of journalists. (Ever noticed how it is as if every little joke or quip that President Barry makes has the members of the press in pronounced and prolonged laughter. I'd like to see him tell a simple Knock-Knock joke just so I can see how long the press will laugh. Easily over 30 seconds if you let them keep making asses out of themselves. Look how happy they all are with their own act in the photo below. It's pathetic is what it is.)

After the remark about health care, amidst the uncontrollable laughter, one crack reporter shouts out, "Single-payer?" (Aren't you funny.) Another one states, "Define real." Again, another top notch reporter that we count on to ask the important questions in order to get the whole story. Brilliant. Is that the best you guys can come up with?

As he's ready to leave, you can hear more than one reporter asking him about North Korea. You know, I don't know if a plate of cupcakes is really the most appropriate sugary baked good to bring to an impromptu discussion about the Eastern Communist regime, but nice try! And leave it to Ralph Kramden to shout out, "Everybody God blesses you" or something to that effect. (Seriously, who let that guy in?) And finally, as he's making his exit, one reporter who is barely able to contain her giddiness and laughter, asks, "Did anybody call and sing you "Happy Birthday" today?" Good Lord, ma'am.....

See, it's things like this that make it really clear why the Taser was invented. They really should look into whether or not they can keep one of those up there at the podium during these press conferences or briefings or birthday greetings for an octogenarian reporter. Step out of line? Tase. Stupid, stupid questions? Tase. Laughing just a bit too long? Tase, tase and tase some more.

Look at these guys as President Barry scurries out of there (and none too soon, I imagine). Over there under Arrow Number One we have....is that Ponch from CHiPs? Under Arrow Number Two, those guys look like they're not very happy with Ponch. And Under Arrow Number Three, those young women with the low cut shirts are wondering if they're too far away to flash "the Girls" for President Barry. Ladies and gentlemen, YOUR American journalists!

We're SO doomed.

Combine those dips with "the Birthers" and I'm sure that had to have made for a grand way to turn 48! After all, if you're going to listen to the Birthers then you're going to believe that 48 years ago yesterday is when the whole conspiracy began and the birth certificate documents were doctored and hidden so that a couple of non-politically connected folks could implement their master plan to have a foreign born male get elected President of the United States. Sure it did. And I'm the Queen of ALL of England!

I know that Birthers think that the whole thing could be resolved if President Barry would just release the long copy (whatever they think that means) of his birth certificate which would erase any doubt (even though there shouldn't be any) as to whether or not he was born in the United States (he was. He was. HE WAS!!!). I just want to point out a couple of things that those folks (ie, the softheaded morons in need of industrial strength helmets) should really think about as they consider their "he's a foreigner" theory.

Do you know who really, really, really wanted to become President of the United States really, really, really badly? Hillary. BELIEVE me when I say that if there was ANYTHING to this notion that President Barry was born in Kenya, Hillary and her crew would have found it. They would have worked non-stop and around the clock until they were all passing out from starvation and dehydration (because in my head, Hillary doesn't feed or hydrate her staff due to, you know, her lack of a human soul) to try to prove that he was born in a far away land. If it was there, Hillary would have found it. Got it? OK then. One more thing.....

Do you know why President Barry hasn't released the "long form birth certificate" or whatever it is that you people want him to release? He hasn't released it because you folks sound like nutjobs. You really do. All of your convoluted and hypothetical theories about what happened and when it happened and why it is like this? They ALL sound crazy. EVERY time I have heard a Birther talk about this subject, they come across as crazed and mentally unstable individuals. (They're also quite shout-y.) The majority of the vocal Birthers are what? Republicans, that is correct. And since this is such a soft headed nation right now, if I wanted to add to my edge of being re-elected as President, I'd just let the Birthers keep right on talking. Sure, it's annoying, but when it comes down to voting for the currently serving Democratic Party President or voting for the challenging Republican member whose party constituents are seen as stark raving lunatics on MSNBC talk shows, who do you think is going to win that race? Here's a hint: NOT the stark raving lunatic party. So keep it up. You guys seem to be doing a fabulous job of painting all members of the Republican Party as crackpots. That should really help in 2012. Sure. Let me know how that goes, would you? Thanks.

Happy Birthday, President Barry. I'm sorry you had to spend it in a village surrounded by its idiots.

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JTP's Big Adventure

If you've been thinking to yourself, "Self, where can I find some really bad reporting. I mean bad. Horrible. Terrible. Bad reporting by someone completely unqualified who has nothing relevant to report. Where can I find that?", then you're in luck! Fortunately for you and your nagging ache for bad reporting, Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, aka Joe the Freaking Plumber, is reporting live this week from the Gaza Strip to give us a different perspective on the fighting between Israel and Hamas. (A different perspective would be defined as "half ass at best"). Wait. He's where? Doing what? Who again?

Correct. Joe the Freaking Plumber is reporting on Israel's side of the conflict in Gaza. Why, you ask? That's what I've been asking since I heard of this idiocy. Apparently some organization called Pajamas TV or just simply pjtv.com, which I have read described as "a conservative website" has brought Joe on board to bring them to viewpoint of the (wait for it) "average Joe" over there in Israel. Good Lord, we finally reached the bottom, haven't we?

Why on earth JTP would be considered, let alone qualified, to do something of that nature is beyond me. I could be wrong. He could be a wordsmith with a poetic way of summarizing the events that perplex so many of us (mainly because we either a) don't care or b) are tired of being the world's policeman). Or he could just be a big, bald dude who is riding this fifteen minutes of fame long and hard until it can't walk in the morning. And I really can't say that I blame the guy exactly. I'm sure he's being offered a fair sized pile of cash to do this gig. I guess I just wish that he would at least act like he knows that he's not exactly qualified to be an embedded reporter or an outbedded reporter, for that matter. If he would just stop acting like he is so G-D important to all of us, it would be a lot easier to take. Not much, but some.

Joe's first report came from a town in Southern Israel called Sderot (pronounce that how you will because without the proper amount of vowel-age, I'm lost.). How have these battles effected the people who live in Sderot? Well, according to JTP, they "...can't do normal things day to day, like get soap in their eyes in the shower, for fear a rocket might come in....I'm sure they're taking quick showers. I know I would." Oh. My. God. WTF is that? Did I pay to read that? No? Thank God.

Hey, Joe! Did it ever occur to you that the ol' shower might be foregone a bit during times of mortar shelling and what not? They can't get soap in their eyes? What the hell kind of a privilege is that? Are you still having a problem with that when you shower, JTP? Speaking for just myself as a technical "adult", I have managed to overcome the SIES (Soap-In-Eyes-Syndrome) since I was about 6. Somewhere along the line you just learn to (follow me here) close your eyes when you're rinsing off the soap and voila! No soap in the eyes! It's amazing! You can imagine my delight when I first realized that....at the age of six!!! ::::sigh::::: Shoot me. Now.

According to the pop-culture reporting of MSNBC.com, JTP explained how he fell into his latest role when "...pjtv enlisted him to cover Israel because he's "an expert on media bias."I was on the short end of the stick, like Israel is now." Yeah. You and Israel. You're exactly the same. I can see where they were coming from all right. Wait. WHAT?!

Joe's breathtaking display of man on the street, er, man on the strip reporting can be seen over at PJTV.com. But I've narrated the summary of his interviewing technique which steers clear of "media bias" and gets the opinion of the "average Joe". It's simply fascinating.

"I'm not going out of my way to make them dislike me. I'm just being myself." (Well, JTP, that might have something to do with their dislike, cowboy.)

The following is the account of JTP talking to a bunch of reporters. Yes, reporters. Now, he does have a guy standing next to him who JTP claims has a great story to tell. I don't know if he did or didn't have a great story to tell because it never got to that part. Instead, JTP spends his time harping at the other members of the media who are there. The media's responses to JTP are in the parentheses below and JTP's barking at them is not.

I'm not the story here. If you guys are going to do a good story, listen to what this guy's gotta say. Get it out for real. Don't slant it. Tell the facts. Tell the truth. Quite honestly, I'm not real happy with any of you guys. I'll be very blunt. Uh, what's this? More media? Hey, guys! You want a story? Come here! Who are you guys with?

(Reuters.)

Reuters? Huh. Reuters. How 'bout you guys?

(Channel Ten.)

Channel Ten? OK. You guys want a good story? Right? That's why you're here? One, I'm not the story. I'm just an average guy. The story here is people are being killed....And the media is slanting it and trying to make it, uh, you know uh, Hamas's, uh, as far as uh, Israel's being bad.

Do you believe Israel's bad? (It's not as bad this report, I'll tell you that.)

(Do I believe Israel's bad?)

Yeah! Do you?

(I'm Israeli, so... )

So answer the question! (Who does he think he is? Jack Bauer?)

(No, I don't think Israel is bad.)

What about you? Do you think Israel has every right to protect itself?

(Yeah.)

You do?

(Yeah.)

Have you said that on air?

(I'm just a reporter.)

You're just a reporter.

Uh, they're not real happy. (Can't say that I blame them.)

Does he know that, as a reporter, he doesn't just have to mingle amongst other reporters? Why is he chewing out the Reuters guys? He's right there in the Gaza Strip, surrounded by folks whose lives are affected every single day by this war and JTP spends his time interrogating the Israeli cameraman from Reuters. (I have no idea why JTP sounded so perplexed when the guy said he was with Reuters. "Huh. Reuters." Yep!! And....? Oh. No and. OK, then. How about you just yell at that cameraman a little bit? There ya go!)

And since Joe is giving his opinion on just about anything he thinks might be relevant, let's see what he has to say (as a reporter) about reporters covering the war over there on the Gaza Strip.

"I'll be honest with you. I don't think journalists should be anywhere allowed war (sic). I mean, you guys report where our troops are at. You report what's happening day to day. You make a big deal out of it. I think it's asinine. You know, I liked back in World War I and World War II when you'd go to the theater and you'd see your troops on, you know, the screen and everyone would be real excited and happy for them. Now everyone's got an opinion and wants to downer–and down soldiers. You know, American soldiers or Israeli soldiers.

I think media should be abolished from, uh, you know, reporting. You know, war is hell. And if you're gonna sit there and say, "Well look at this atrocity," well you don't know the whole story behind it half the time, so I think the media should have no business in it."

I'm SO confused. He's acting in the capacity of a journalist (I can't bring myself to actually call him a journalist) and he's stating that he believes that journalists should not be allowed anywhere near the war? Be-cause....why again? Wait. Because they make a big deal out of it? Well, yeah! It's a war. It's kind of a big deal. I don't know about you, but if I had mortar shells intermittently being fired into my neighborhood on occasion, that would quantify itself as a big deal to me. Actually, that would quantify itself as a big freaking fat deal to me! Rockets that kill people are a big deal, Joe. Deal with it. And what's with the World War I and II references? That's what you want us to go back to? Reporters in actual foxholes and black and white footage in movie theaters? Um, that sort of seems like a small step backwards to me, but you can try that if you'd like. Let us know how that works out for you.

Look, I don't consider myself to be a journalist. Good Lord, no. I consider myself to be plenty of things, but a journalist is not one of them. That being said, the world doesn't need any more commentators. (Now, that's my gig. And it's getting crowded in here.) The world needs reporters and journalists and it also needs the media. And it needs them to all be impartial and committed to reporting events truthfully and accurately and those facets of distributed information don't seem to be a requirement anymore. That's the problem, Joe. The problem is that people who are supposed to be reporting simply aren't. That doesn't mean that they all need to be banished away from all events that occur! Does that belief extend to everything out there that is reported on, Joe? Why are you there again? Aren't YOU supposed to be reporting? I have yet to hear you report on anything that is going on over there other than your incredible dislike for everything that isn't the way that you think it should be. John McCain might have been fond of your act, but I, most definitely, am not.

So he's over in Gaza, chewing out cameramen and proclaiming that "the media" shouldn't be allowed to "report". I see. Well, we've learned plenty here today, haven't we? We sure have! We've learned that if you milk your fifteen minutes of fame long enough, after a while you'll start to believe that you're really that important. And after that happens, then you'll start acting like you're really that important. So it's a good thing if you end up in Gaza and have to duck and run for cover to dodge incoming rockets because you're going to need that duck and cover maneuver when you get back to the US, but not because of incoming rockets.

Long live the reporting media!

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Is That Your Foot In Your Boot Or Are You Happy To See Me?

Richard Quest is a CNN reporter whose official CNN bio describes him as "one of the most instantly recognizable members of the CNN team." (OK, I had no idea who this guy was, but "instantly recognizable" could have more than one meaning. I get that. And here's a picture of him just in case "instantly recognizable" means something different for you as well.) Well, he's now recognizable for more than just his hollering antics and news reporting, as he was arrested in Central Park on April 18 with drugs in his pocket. Oh, and a rope around his neck that was tied to his genitals with a sex toy in his boot. Wait. What?

All of that is according to the fine folks over there at the NY Post, whose headline screams "NETWORK CNN'S QUEST A VERY KNOTTY BOY". Nice job, Post guys.

Apparently, Quest was arrested around 3:30am, which is when the park is closed. (Well, according to all of the signs posted around the park that say "Park Closed 1am to 6am" the park is closed at that time. Other than that, it'd be hard to know.)

According to the NY Post, the officer at the scene was able to ID the drugs in Quest's pocket as methamphetamine because of "his prior experience as a police officer in drug arrests: which led to his "observation of the packaging which is a characteristic of this type of drug." (Do drugs have different packaging characteristics? I mean, other than small little Ziploc-like baggies? Or some sort of cellophane or plastic wrap? I don't think that they differentiate in the drug world as to what packaging goes with which illegal substance. But maybe. I suppose. I don't know any crack dealers that I can call for verification of this, so it's really just speculation on my part.) But really, the main characteristic that led the officer to identify the substance as methamphetamine was Quest saying, "I've got some meth in my pocket." Yeah, that would be a pretty big clue.

Quest was charged with loitering and your basic possession of a controlled substance. He wasn't charged for his, um, device? Contraption? Penis Rope-Boot-Toy Combo Fun Set? Well, whatever it was, he wasn't charged for it because he wasn't exposing himself. So that's news you can use, eh? Have any set up or goings on in your pants and foot coverings, just don't show it or THAT to anyone and you're good to go. (And please do!)

Quest was once offered a job working at Al Jazeera. That's the network that is always broadcasting the bin Laden (aka Weird Beard) tapes when they come out. He turned that down because he didn't think he would fit in very well over there. You know, with his being gay AND Jewish and all. (No, I should say not.) And as you can see from the picture on the left, it would be extremely difficult for anyone to surmise that he is gay and/orJewish.

The CNN website also describes Quest with "his dynamic and distinctive style has made him a unique figure in the field of business and news broadcasting." Getting busted for meth? Not so dynamic. Getting busted for meth with a penis noose? That definitely qualifies as a "distinctive style" (though not what I think that CNN had in mind when they composed that description). Getting busted for meth with a penis noose and a sex toy in your boot? Priceless. There are some things you just can't make up. For everything else, there's the NY Post.

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