Ready, Aim, Fire! Finally.

In what appears to be quite possibly the lamest, last ditch effort to save oneself from having their death penalty carried out, a one Ronnie Lee Gardner has asked the Utah Board of Pardons and Parole for clemency. His rationale? Oh, he's sorry. And he's different. And he's changed. Oh, and he thinks that he has plans (that may or may not involve Oprah Winfrey) "...to develop 160 acres in northern Utah for an organic farm and residential program for children...so he can help troubled kids avoid the kind of problems that landed him on death row." Uh-huh. Wait. What?

Correct. Meet Ronnie Lee Gardner. Ronnie's name is all too familiar to Utahns. Gardner was in a courtroom about to be tried for one murder and in an escape attempt, ended up killing an attorney. Oh, whoops! Gardner received the death penalty back in, oh, 1985. That's right. 1985. 25 years ago. How, exactly, is that a "penalty"? Should it really take twenty five freaking years to off this guy? It's not like there's a lot to argue here. He killed both of them. It's completely obvious. He did it. He's guilty. Why has he not been dead for a long time at this point? Who knows? I don't get it.

And another thing that I don't get is his latest attempt to spare his own life. Mind you, when this guy was asked what method he would prefer his execution to be, when given the choice between lethal injection and firing squad, this nutjob chose the firing squad. His reasoning? He's been shot several times before. He knows what that feels like. He doesn't know what lethal injection feels like, so he figured that he'd just go with what he was familiar with. Being shot. If you're that familiar with being shot, I certainly hope that you're not surprised that your ass ended up on death row.

But in this latest stunt (which seems like it's probably more for his own amusement and a good way to pass the time), he's trying to convince folks that he's a changed guy. Now, never mind that he "...had long been a problem inmate – instigating a riot, stabbing another prisoner and attempting multiple escapes, one of which was successful." Sure, that happened. But that was in the past. It's not the past anymore. It's the present and he's sorry. He even explains those things, according to an article over there at The Huffington Post, by telling the Board, "I was a nasty little bugger, I admit to it...I'm not changing to save my life. I've changed because I needed to change." A nasty little bugger? Um, sir, when you kill a couple of people for no reason what so ever, you're a little bit more than "a nasty little bugger". No, you, sir, are an a-hole. That's a little different.

But he has a plan! Here's the deal: Commute his sentence and he, along with the help of his brother, will get to work "...on his idea for the "Back to Basics" program" because he "...wants to help prevent kids from traveling down a path to violence and criminal activity." Hmmm. I think that this idea might have been more well received had he not already murdered two people. Now maybe that's just me, but I don't think so. After all, he apparently contacted The Oprah a couple of years ago to see if she would help him get this off the ground. I'm guessing that she declined.

And he's clearly thought this through. See, "He said he's earned about $1,300 selling prison artwork and crafts – handmade baby booties and handkerchiefs – to start the project." Yeah, um, no. How is $1,300 going to develop "...160 acres in northern Utah for an organic farm and residential program"? Oh, that's right. It's not. It's not now. It never will. And how sweet that he earned his money by handmaking baby booties! Who in the world is buying prison made baby booties?! Have y'all never heard of Baby Gap?!

I find these last minute pleas for clemency to be insulting to the memories of those who died needlessly at the hands of people like Mr. Gardner. I find it insulting for the relatives of those who died. I find it insulting all the way around. I understand that this is the way that our system works and that it's what makes our system the greatest in the world, but when it comes to pieces of trash like Ronnie Lee Gardner, I kind of wish that there was some sort of an out clause in the system.

You don't want kids to grow up and turn out like you did, Mr. Gardner? Tell you what. How about you pipe down and let those fine marksmen over there at the prison shoot a bunch of holes in you until you're good and dead? And then after they've placed your body in a Hefty bag and set it by the curb (seems like a proper burial), how about then if we tell kids about how things ended up for you? That seems a little bit more reasonable than letting you live. Fortunately, the last time that a death sentence was commuted in Utah was in 1962. And if that sort of reason prevails here, that will continue to stand as the last commutation in Utah. Then they can get down to business and execute this "nasty little bugger". Finally.

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Shame On The Axe Murderer

No one really enjoys being embarrassed. It's not fun. But you know, it is preferable over some other things that one could be in lieu of being embarrassed. Take death for example. Death after being hacked with an axe for the purpose of sparing you 'embarrassment'. Yeah, that seems a bit worse than the embarrassment itself. But apparently not to the axe hacker, it didn't.

A one Reinhard Steinbauer of Austria had what I'll call fairly strong feelings about embarrassment, especially those feelings about his family members who would have been shamed and embarrassed due to his actions. See, ol' Reinhard there had lost right around €300,000 euros (That's $574,000 in US declining in value dollars.) by investing in high risk speculations. Therefore, he concluded that in order "to spare them 'the shame' " ('them' being his family members) the most logical thing to do was to hack all five of them to death with an axe (which seems like more of the 'high risk' behavior that got him to the place he was at in the first place). Wait. What?

Correct. Reinhard is described as a "freelance public relations consultant". He clearly could not have been very good at his job, as hacking your family to death with an axe isn't exactly a tried and true way of improving public relations. Ending them, perhaps. But, then again, it does say that he was "freelance", so perhaps that was the niche that he carved out for himself (oh, pun SO intended there. SO intended.). So on May 13th of this year, he went out and bought himself an axe. Then he used it (and not to chop wood). Five times too many.

Reinhard the Hacker went to his home first and killed his wife and 7-year old daughter. Before leaving to hack up other family members, Reinhard "called the Finance Ministry (where his wife worked) and told her bosses that she would not be coming to work due to illness." Of course, because he wouldn't want her employers to worry about her or anything like that. How considerate of him. (Due to illness. Um, yeah, she's had a, um, de-nogginization and really needs to rest.) Then, feeling the need to abolish shame and embarrassment everywhere, he drove about 111 miles to where his parents were. (So, that would be about 2 hours of driving. You've just killed your wife and child and now you're going to drive for two hours to kill a little bit more. That's dedication to your craft, I'll give him that. Lunatic.) Not wanting to continue on with the mayhem on an empty stomach, he proceeded to have lunch with his mom and dad and after lunch, the dessert was axe a la mode as he killed both of them as well. And let's not forget the extended family in this bizarre, travelling massacre! Let's drive a little bit further and axe up the father-in-law as well, shall we? Well, we shall not. Reinhard there shall. And did.

So now what? You've just killed all five members of your fairly immediate family with an axe.You've already eaten, so you're not really hungry, even with all of the exertion that it must require to kill five people with an axe all in the same day. So what to do, what to do? I know! How about you make a quick stop over at that brothel over there, Hacky? And so he did. He stopped in at the whorehouse, presumably got himself a whore, whored her, and then left. That's when he attempted to kill himself and failed. Wait. What?

So, he can hack five people to death with no problems what so ever. But trying to off himself? THAT is trickier? How so, you sick and twisted coward? How so? Axe a little dull after slicing through the flesh and bones of five others, is it? You, sir, are an ass, to put it extremely mildly.

When all of the killing of self didn't go so well, he went down to the police station, covered in blood, and turned himself in. A police spokesman, a one Michael Braunsperger, made this statement: "It is not possible to conclude whether he is suffering from some mental disorder, but one would assume that a normal person would not be capable of committing such a crime in cold blood.” Oh, you think?! Mental or not, I'm fairly certain that there's some degree of disorder present with this guy! But thanks for the update there, Captain Obvious.

They must do things fairly quickly over there in the Austrian legal system, as The Lopper was found guilty today and sentenced to life imprisonment, a sentence which he had asked for himself. (I'm guessing that was a pretty easy request to accommodate.) At some point during the sentencing phase, the prosecutor, a one Michael Radasztics, told Reinhard, "You had neither the right nor the obligation to kill them. You take yourself for a god in whom you don't even believe." Um, what? I am familiar with the usual courtroom berating speech of "You had no right..." Yeah, yeah, we know that. I'd like to know more about the circumstances in which someone would have "the obligation" to kill someone else. Or five someone else's. The number isn't so much the issue as it is "the obligation" which, apparently, might have been an option over there! Is there paperwork involved with that obligation? I'm so confused.

So, what have we learned? The world is full of some sick and twisted individuals. What else have we learned? A lot of them live in Austria where there may or may not be an obligation for one individual to kill another individual or five. I think we've also learned that shame or embarrassment, no matter how great, isn't really all that bad when compared to getting hacked up by a family member. Bring on the shame!

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