More Ughs

The other day, I let you know of the ridiculous Ugg boot ban at Pottstown Middle school in Pennsylvania. The long and the short of this is that despite a ban on cell phones in the classroom, middle school students are still sneaking their phones into class and (apparently) using them during class time. Naturally, the solution to that is to ban Uggs. Wait. What?

Yes. Like I described the other day, they have banned Uggs. They have also gone into great detail as to what will happen if one wears Uggs. (They will get detention after the first offense. I'm not sure what happens with subsequent offenses. Firing squad maybe?) But while people keep talking about this, the one thing that no one talks about is what happens if you bring your cell phone to class! Isn't that the problem?! Why is everyone still talking about these stupid boots when it's the phones that are the problem?!

I'll tell you why. If the couple of people who are interviewed in the clip below (courtesy of the fine folks over yonder at Newsy) are any indication of the typical parent in that area or at that school, then that is why. Paste eating, mouth breathing morons is how they come across. And again, NO ONE TALKS ABOUT THE PHONES! The one guy says "Kids can't learn if their cell phones keep going off during the day." Right. So you're going them from wearing BOOTS?! And the other person interviewed in this clip says, "They wear school uniforms. They should just go as far as just having...shoes." What does that even mean!? Is this a joke? Why is no one talking to administrators who made this idiotic decision?! Seriously. You got me. I give! Please tell me that everyone is kidding? What's that? They're not? OK, then. Good Lord. We're so doomed.

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They've Banned Reading Texts

With every new year comes the hundreds, actually thousands of new laws that go into effect. The majority of them could not be any more ridiculous unless they actually tried. And even then I'm not so sure that the various legislatures around the country would be able to top themselves. California, I'm looking at you!

It has been illegal in California for a couple of years now to send a text message while you are driving. That seems like a reasonable law, as I don't think that it's a good idea that anyone be using the equivalent of a typewriter when they are behind the wheel and whizzing down the freeway at 65mph. But they have now expanded that law into a realm that I find rather inexplicable. Yes, it now illegal to read a text message when you're driving in California.

Are the people who wrote and enacted this ridiculous law aware of the fact that there are an awful lot of things that all drivers read every single time that they get behind the wheel? I don't think that they are. And, in that case, I think that they're going to be really surprised when I tell them about billboards. See, billboards are these massive, hulking signs which line the sides of major roadways across this fine land of ours. Some of them are even electronic and change their displays within seconds of every message. I'm pretty sure that the way that they work is that the drivers who whiz by them are supposed to pay attention to them and read them. Huh. And yet, they haven't outlawed billboards because, well, because that would be stupid.

As long as I'm on the subject of how ridiculous I think that this not reading text messages is, how about if I go over a hypothetical situation? Let's say that I have a GPS in my car and I am looking at it while I drive in order to obtain directions to my destination. How in the world is that any different than, say, if I was headed to a friend's house and instead of looking at my GPS, my friend texted me the directions to his house and I looked at that instead? Oh, that's right. It's NOT different. In fact, it's pretty much the freaking same!

I'm all for not having distracted drivers out there on the road, but let's just get real about what is going to help and what is not going to help. Banning the reading of text messages is NOT going to help. If they want to do something to cut down on the number of distracted drivers, how about they ban eating in the car? At the very least, ban any sort of Mexican-themed fast food fare from those behind the wheel. There is nothing more distracting than trying to drive and eat a crunchy taco without making a mess. It's a heck of a lot more dangerous than glancing at a text message on your phone, I'll tell you that. But no one ever addresses these asinine, yet necessary, hypothetical situations that really call into question the legitimacy of the stupid law to begin with. Maybe I'll start.

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Governor Jerry Brown To The Rescue!

Brace yourselves! I think that we might have had a moment of sanity in California! I KNOW! Can you believe it?! I, for one, can not. Seriously. The state was on its way to having a few more nanny laws in place and the next thing you know, BAM! Governor Jerry Brown vetoes them and gives an awesome explanation as to why.

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, Governor Brown spent Wednesday, "...vetoing bills that would require that kids wear helmets when on ski slopes and increase fines for people who talk on cell phones or text while driving." I find that to be fabulous and here's why: One, the hand-free cell phone law here is inane because it is just as dangerous to drive and talk on the phone using a hands-free device as it is to hold the phone up to your head. It's not the phone, it's the conversation. (And really, as much as I hate to admit it, I think that we all know that it isn't the safest thing to do. Phone or headset, it just distracts you.) And on top of that, the fine is already close to $300 once all of the "fees" are added. It's quite outrageous.

And two, I'm not all that big of a fan of helmet laws. Yes, even for kids. If you want your kid to wear a helmet, have your kid wear a helmet. Do we need a law for this? I don't think that we do. (And really, I and everyone else that I know grew up without wearing helmets and we're just fine. The number of kids that I personally knew that met their demise because they weren't wearing a helmet is exactly zero.)

But wait. I'm not even at the best part! Here it is: This is what Governor Jerry had to say when he vetoed the bills: "While I appreciate the value of wearing a ski helmet, I am concerned about the continuing and seemingly inexorable transfer of authority from parents to the state. Not every human problem deserves a law." Oh. My. God. Release the pigeons. Sanity has prevailed.

Not every human problem deserves a law. NO! It does not! Why is that concept so hard for so many to understand?! Especially those whores in the legislature who want to nanny law us to death?! What's wrong with a barrage of public service announcements to make people aware of things? That seems to me like it would at least still leave the decision in the hands of the individual (as opposed to the government), but it would give them something to think about. And really, I'm not so sure that I think that being given something to think about is all that necessary either. But I like it a heck of a lot better than a bunch of laws that are designed to swaddle the population. You go, Governor Jerry!

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The Money Shot

So Anthony Weiner sent the money shot. That's right. He sent a relatively unobscured photo of his genitalia to some chick via his cellular telephone. That's right. It's a telephone that also takes pictures. And it sends those pictures to other people whether they want them or not! What a great time to be alive! Or not. I'm kind of starting to think that it's the latter.

He kind of has to resign now, doesn't he? I mean, now that it has come out that he has been sending pictures of his naked manhood to college girls that he met online via Twitter (of all things), can he really still be a member of Congress? I think that's really the question. And it bothers me that I don't have a freaking answer.

On the one hand, he's obviously a total perv. But what if he is a perv who gets the job that he was elected to do done? Should it matter than he's a total perv? I don't really know if it should, but I know that it does. Shouldn't there be some sort of moral standard for our elected officials? And I don't think I'm being all that radical by suggesting that one of those standards be NOT taking pictures of your junk and texting it to people. No, wait. Let me revise that. I don't think that I'm being all that radical by suggesting that one of those standards be to NOT GET CAUGHT doing whatever it is that you do with your various body parts.

Private lives are supposed to be private, just the same way that private parts are supposed to be private. Look, what you do with your weiner in your own time is your own business. Take as many pictures of it as you want. Put different little hats on it or dress it up for special occasions. I really don't care. But I sure don't want to know about it! The day I get a picture on my phone of some guy's wang with a little bowler hat and a necktie on it (where the tie would go if it HAD a neck) is the day when that person is forever after declared a perv and and idiot. He could have avoided both labels by just not getting caught OR by simply not doing something so freaking weird.

If you're interested in the money shot, you can click here and it will take you there. But remember, it's a shot of an erect penis. Do I really need to shout that it is NSFW? It's not safe for work. It's not safe for home. It's not safe for anywhere! (How did he get that angle? Is there a timer on the camera on his phone? I'm so confused.)

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You Coulda Told Us

Hey! Guess what?! You could be slowly killing yourself! No, not with all that crap that you eat. No, not with your extreme lack of exercise. And I'm guessing that your drinking isn't really a problem, per se. And I'll be honest, the smoking really isn't helping anything, but that's not what I'm going at here. Yeah, I'm talking about an article I read over at ABC which informed me that "An international panel of experts says cellphones are possibly carcinogenic to humans after reviewing details from dozens of published studies." Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me!

Now?? They're just getting around to figuring this stuff out NOW?! Let me get this straight. Practically every man, woman and child in the civilized parts of the globe (ie, damn near everyone, as the article say that "According to a survey last year, the number of cellphone subscribers worldwide has hit 5 billion, or nearly three-quarters of the global population." ), has a freaking cellphone and NOW you're telling us that they MAY be carcinogenic?! Great! I'm trying to think of when this information could have been more useful. Oh, I know! BEFORE we all got in the habit of holding a damn cell phone up to our noggin all the live long day.

Maybe I shouldn't panic. Let's see...what other things are they comparing the cell phone usage to? Um...oh, here it is. "The group classified cellphones in category 2B, meaning they are possibly carcinogenic to humans. Other substances in that category include the pesticide DDT and gasoline engine exhaust." Hmmm. We've been told for quite some time that DDT and vehicle emissions are bad for us. We seem to have accepted that. I mean, DDT is not in use anymore because of how bad it's supposed to be. And now we have cell phones in that same category. All right then. We're all going to die.

What they're concerned about are people developing brain tumors. While they say that it's hard to pinpoint if the cellphones cause the cancer, a lot of people with these tumors use cell phones. Then again, since 75% of the world uses cell phones, that isn't exactly a damning factor. But there is a group called Cancer Research U.K. and they recommend that "...children under 16 only use cellphones for essential calls because their brains and nervous systems are still developing." I see. Soooo, if they can alter a brain that is still developing, I'm going to guess that they can alter a brain, period.

While I'm not exactly surprised by this finding, I am a little annoyed that it's taken this long to get to this point. Seriously, why can't this sort of stuff be thought about when things are being developed? Hey, you're going to make a little device that people will hold up to their head for elongated periods of time? What say you find out if all of that electromagnetic radiation is going to turn my melon into a cauliflower BEFORE sell it to us? Just a thought. I don't get it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go figure out where the speakerphone is on my super awesome EVO 4G. After that, I'm going to hope that someone calls me so that I can save myself.

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Um, Yes, I'm Calling About The Couch?

OK, so there is so much wrong with this story it's hard to know where to begin. I'll start out by saying that it took place in Flori-duh. That should give you some indication of how this whole thing is going to go.

According to MSNBC, "A nine-year-old got a pornographic photo sent to his cell phone of a woman performing a sex act on a man." Good Lord. First of all, who are you people who send pictures of yourself either naked or engaged in various sexual activities? What makes you think that's a good idea? Ever! I just don't get that. What? You're sitting around one day and you suddenly think, "I know. I think I'm going to send a picture of my junk to this li'l lady that I know. That should seal the deal!" And then not only do you think it, you go ahead and do it. Very odd behavior indeed.

Second, why does a nine year old have a cell phone that can receive picture texts? I'm torn as to whether or not a nine year old needs a cell phone to begin with. I know, I know, it's so the parents can keep in touch with their kid. My question for that "reasoning" is, "Or if they don't, what's going to happen?" I can't imagine much. But let's say that they DO need a phone. Why does it have to be capable of being anything but a phone? Why can't it be one of those Jitterbugs for the oldsters? A nine year old doesn't need a fancy cell phone.

But I digress, as this story is really more about what led up to some dimwit sending a picture of a couple engaged in sexual gratification anyone other than the intended recipient. Now, the boy who received the text is a lad named Ty'Ge Moore. (I have no idea how to pronounce that, nor do I have any idea what happened to the rest of the vowels in his first name. Don't even get me started on the apostrophe.) He gets the photo and immediately goes to show his mom. So, kudos for the kid for not showing it to everyone at school first, even though I'm kind of surprised that he didn't. He sounds like a good kid. This certainly isn't about him.

Needless to say, his mother was none to happy about the situation. Neither was his grandmother. In fact, the grandmother seemed so upset by the situation that, according to her recollection, she was only able to utter something to the effect of: "I am like let me see that text and I am like wow." Um....huh. Look, I know it's Flori-duh and all, but is his grandmother sixteen? Why is she talking like that? "I am like wow." No, lady. Lemme tell you, I am like wow. Wow. Moving on...

After the grandmother was like wow, she took the cell phone and called the number and when she spoke to the individual on the other end she said that she threatened to call the sheriff. To which the asshat that sent the picture in the first place replied just as you would have expected him to when he said, "...do what you got to do." All right then. While that might have seemed like a good response to him at the time, he quickly realized that it was probably the wrong response and he called the number back. What he said, will shock you. Or not. "They say the man called back later and told them he was trying to sell the couch in the sexually explicit picture."

::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

What the what?! Said he was trying to sell the couch?! How much of the couch could you actually see? I'm guessing not a whole lot, as the majority of the image was probably taken up with all of the oral sex going on! Seriously, dude, that's the best you can come up with? For reals?! I guess that means that all of the porn that is available out there is simply just a whole bunch of informercials for the furniture in such productions! Trying to sell the couch. Uh-huh. Tell me, does it come with the guy and the whore? No? Aww, that's too bad. Yeah, that's kind of a deal breaker for me. But good luck with that!

According to the article, "The Lee County Sheriff's Office is investigating and the boy's cell phone was turned over to deputies on the case." The grandmother summed up the incident by saying: "Some people make mistakes. I don't think this was a mistake after he text you and told you he was nine-years-old." For cryin' out loud, forget about the phone and take some English classes! He'll get over it! You, on the other hand, need to learn how to speak better. I mean, like, when I hear you say "after he text you", I am like wow. I am like, wow, she needs like, a refresher course or like, two on like, properly spoken English that like, doesn't make you like, sound like you just fell off of a turnip truck. (I'm really not sure what turnips have to do with intelligence, but it's hard to sneak that phrase into conversation these days.)

And is she really contemplating whether or not the guy was really trying to sell his couch? I think she might be! So while I'm pretty sure that the kid is going to recover from receiving such a raunchy text, I am a bit concerned about him growing up around someone who is trying to discern the plausibility of the "I was trying to get a good picture of my couch so I could sell it, but when I went to take pictures, there were these two people doing it on the couch and so I just took the picture anyway and used that" excuse. Please.

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My Hammer-Wielding, Cell Phone Bashing Hero

Text messaging has become a rather popular part of the cell phone laden lifestyle that most of us are living with today. Some people text more than others, with younger age groups tending to far out-text older age groups. I don't know what it is about people, who are above the, say, 12-30 years old category, who have an aversion to texting. Texting is great. Fab-u-lous. It enables people to constantly and continually have dialogue and conversation with other people that they have NO interest in actually talking to! Granted, it would seem a bit easier to just stop talking to those you don't want to talk to. But the problem with that is it takes two to tango. You might want to stop talking to that person (and really, who wouldn't? God, they are annoying.), but does that person want to stop talking to you? Nooooooo. You are, apparently, just that fascinating! Embrace it! Or just text the moron instead.

But back to the teen texters. I think it's a safe bet for me to say that I send and receive probably a total of over 500 a month, the majority of which are to the same couple of people (and they're actually people I do want to talk to), but that's still a hell of a lot of texts. And while I'm agile and adept at the little keypad (and other things as well. Just throwin' that out there, in case anyone cares.), I'm not quite as fast as those little teenage bastards that can just text at the speed of light. Part of that is because, apparently, they just can. The other part of that is I refuse to use text-speak, I adore punctuation, always use proper capitalization and I am an uptight stickler when it comes to spelling. In short, I am a hoot! Oh, yeah. That's me.

The point is that if I didn't know that a teenager could text so rapidly, I would most likely not believe this story out of Cheyenne, WY that was covered by 9News in Denver, CO where a one 13-year old Dena Christoffersen sent over 10,000 text messages in one month! If you do the math (another one of my very exciting personality traits), that comes out to 333 per day in a 30 day month. Let's say that you're conscious 14 hours out of the day. That equates to 23.78 texts per hour. That's one text every 2 minutes and 32 seconds. That might not seem possible, but you have to realize that a lot of teenage texts consist of things like "Yay" and "omg" and "RU L8" and "<3> Unfortunately, the majority of these 23.78 texts per hour came when young Dena was in school. And while that's bad, it might not be the worst part of this technology gone awry tale.

Dena's parents thought (key word in that sentence: thought) that the texting feature of their cell phone plan had been disabled. I'm going to assume that they thought that if they hadn't signed up for it, it wouldn't be available to use. That is a reasonable assumption to make. But it doesn't work like that. Instead, if you haven' t signed up for text messaging and someone sends you a text, you are then charged for that text that you didn't want and didn't sign up to receive. Of course, that makes sense.

No it doesn't! They do it to screw ya. You don't see HBO leaving their channels all watchable and everything and only if we watch HBO do we get charged for it. No, if we don't sign up with HBO and we try to watch HBO, we will be watching HB-NO, as in "NO, you can't watch this channel, you haven't signed up for it yet." But I digress.

Dena's parents Gregg and Jaylene Christoffersen, were rather "surprised" when they got their monthly phone bill from Verizon detailing Dena's adventure into the electronic communications foray. "Surprised" is in quotes because I think to say one is "surprised" is an understatement if you are opening your cell bill and it tell you that you owe them $4,756.25. OMG!

Gregg said, "It just hit us like a rock, like you're stepping into a bus." I'm going to assume he meant "stepping in front of a bus" or "being hit by a bus" or something of that nature. But all is forgiven because he just opened a cell phone bill that was almost five thousand dollars. He can mix up his idioms and metaphors and similes all he wants with a five thousand dollar cell phone bill. Holy crap, five grand would cover my cell bill for almost four full years! But that's only going to cover one month over there in the hands of Texty Texterson.

In case you're wondering what all of that texting does to one's grades, Gregg said, "She went from As and Bs one semester to Fs in two months." Also, if you're wondering what all of that texting does to one's social life, Dena has been grounded until the end of school. But that's not all that came out of all of this.

Enter Gregg the Hero and his big ol' hammer. According to 9News.com "Hours after the enormous bill arrived, Gregg Christoffersen took a hammer to his daughter's phone." AWESOME! I wanna see it! And you know that you do too! Behold!

NOW it's disabled.

Awesome. Just awesome. Over there at 9News.com is the video of their news report on this story. And I came away with a couple of impressions about these people. One, the Christoffersen's seem like good folks. Two, their daughter seems like a normal kid and probably a pretty good kid. Three, you could tell that Gregg was mad. Man, he was pissed. But what I liked about these guys was that they actually did something that was reasonable and expected. Their daughter has a severe consequence. School isn't out until June, so that's a good two months of being grounded. When you're 13, it might as well be forever. Gregg took his anger out very appropriately on the phone and smashed the holy Verizon right out of it. AND the story also said that Verizon has been willing to knock the bill down to a reasonable level. (Nice job, Verizon.)

It didn't say what "reasonable" was, but these people knew that they were ultimately responsible for that bill and for their daughter's actions. They weren't whining or complaining about how their daughter shouldn't have been able to send texts if they didn't sign up for it. These people were normal! Why does that surprise me so much? It probably shouldn't, but it totally does!

I wish the story had focused more on the aspect of how Dena was able to send 23.78 texts an hour while in school. And while you could reasonably argue that the school not intervening when Dena was texting in class was essentially enabling her to rack up such a huge bill, you didn't hear that out of the parents. Just take responsibility for yourself and your kid and move on. But not before smashing the holy bejeezus out of her cell phone with a hammer. :::sigh:::: My hero.

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Useless and Unnecessary, Aquatic Version

Feeling like you just need a little time alone? Craving that time by yourself, but can't ever seem to get it? Would kill for just a few moments to talk on the phone without being interrupted by someone? Well if those laments sound like things you've thought recently, then do I have the solution for you! That's right! The solution to being able to be by yourself, to being left alone by others, to not being interrupted while you're in the middle of something. That's right! And it's available to the public for the ridiculous price of $19.99 (and they accept PayPal! How convenient!). If you're ready to reclaim that lost time to yourself, wait no longer. Behold! The Fin Phone!

Oh, what the hell is that?! That was my question, too! That is a FIN Phone© swim FLIPPER Phone© cell phone holster. Yes, apparently that is the name (though they seem to go with just FIN Phone© on occasion, so I guess I will too). Again, what the hell? By the time people get done saying that name I'm pretty sure that they'll have come to their senses lost interest in the thing. What say maybe think about not marketing this ridiculous and useless product and save up a little space in the landfill instead?

According to the website over there at www.finphone.org the FIN Phone© swim FLIPPER Phone© cell phone holster was "designed exclusively with FUN in mind!" Are they sure it wasn't designed exclusively with crap in mind? 'Cause that's what it's looking like to me. What on earth gave these folks the idea that what America (and the rest of the world) wants, that what America needs during these dark economic times is a small, brightly colored holster that you can put your cell phone in and then appear as if you are talking into a swim fin? What would give anyone that sort of an idea? (Other than marijuana and/or shrooms.) I cannot even begin to imagine.

But not only is it just plain old ridiculous looking and not anything that anyone is going to want to be seen with, let alone actually talking into as if they were starring in the aquatic version of Get Smart. Even the points that they try to make their selling points don't cut it. They say that it is "perfect for any water sports enthusiast!" And while that may be true, it's certainly not "perfect for anyone who doesn't want to appear to have a direct line straight to Aquaman!" If one of my friends whips that puppy out when I'm with them, they are definitely going to get that alone time that they've been craving, no doubt about that. Look at Fin Phone Tony over there. Orange cap, blue roach clip, big ol' watch and talking to Spongebob on a hot pink swim fin. Not exactly a chick magnet in 2009.

They try to sell you on its versatile features by mentioning "its adjustable heel strap allows it to be hung most anywhere." Is that the problem with cell phones and cell technology these days? Not enough hanging places? Not enough hangers? Is that it? People always wishing they could somehow, some way hang their cell phone on that perfectly good hook over there? Is that what's holding us all back? Hmmm...yeah, I don't think it is.

Wait! Don't give up on all of the hanging so quickly! As they tell us "Hang it on a boat rail, beach bag, or anywhere for easy access." Huh. Well, that is something to think about. Let's see...where do I currently keep my cell phone for easy access? Oh, that's right! I keep it in my hand! My very easy to access, hookless hand! What the hell?

They do warn you about what to expect if you purchase this product. In big red letters it reads "WARNING: This product may attract a lot of attention!" Oh, I don't doubt that for a minute! Nope, not at all. Whoever it is that is responsible for this also tells us how it came to be. It was "...created along the Mississippi River some years ago. While the sweltering heat and a full cooler may have prompted it’s creation, the concept lived on." So....they were delirious from the heat and drank the entire cooler of beer whilst on the Mississippi and then one dude, mid-drunken river stupor, said to the other drunk dude, "Hey, dude, let's put our cell phones into a swim fin."? I don't think I've ever been that drunk! I also don't know what is meant by "the concept lived on". The concept of....what? I mean, right before that it says that it was created, so...yeah...the concept would live on...as you made the product! What the hell?

But here is what I find the most ridiculous about the FIN Phone©: The thing isn't waterproof or anything. I'm sorry but I think swim fin, I think the thing is meant to go in the water. If it were some sort of flotation device for your cell phone that was also waterproof, at least then it would have a purpose. Then you could take it on a boat and hang it wherever and wouldn't have to worry about it getting wet (or losing it. For cryin' out loud, you couldn't lose that thing if you tried! And I would try! It's hideous.). But all this does is make you look like an idiot. An idiot talking into a swim fin. Grand. On top of that, it's called the FIN PHONE©, but it's just the FIN. You're the one supplying the phone part. This thing is wrong on so many levels. I hope whoever is responsible for this didn't blow their kids' entire college fund on it.

Who is going to want one of these other than the elderly in Florida? No one that I can think of. Possibly folks in Japan. They're pretty big on wacky stuff like this. Other than that, I'm thinking the market of people that might actually plunk down twenty bucks for this is relatively small. See?! Good things can come from a recession! No need to panic! This one will work itself out through the Darwinism of Retail Products. Should be one of the quickest demises due to survival of the fittest ever in the history of capitalism. I mean, that chick over there seems hot enough, but no one's hot enough to get me to buy The Friend Repellant.

Seriously, if I was at the beach with my friends and one of them pulled this thing out of their pocket or reached over and grabbed it off of the convenient hook it was hanging on (where is this hook supposed to be when I'm walking along the beach, eh? Do I have to carry the hook so that I can hang the phone on it? It seems like it would be bulky. And stupid.)

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Things To Be Learned During The Day

I've learned several things today. All of which I could have done without learning for quite some time. At the very least, could I not have learned them during a time when I shouldn't have been sleeping?

One, I've learned to not believe everything on the Internet. Except for porn. Porn's real. Porn really happens that way. The next time I order a pizza, I fully expect wild sex to erupt and the pizza to be forgotten until it's over. Porn's real. (Isn't it?) Everything else? Who the hell knows?

Two, I've learned that if you're going to order something from Canada, America's Hat, and it says that it is "simple" to install, it isn't. Actually, if you order anything from anywhere that claims to be "simple" to install, it isn't. You'll be lucky if you get any sleep. Ever again.

Three, when the company says that they don't have written instructions on how to install their product, but that there is a fine video on YouTube that, again, is not of their product per se, but does show you what to do in order to install their product, that should be a sign that things may not go as well as you'd like.

Four, if your purchase without instructions (but with a URL to go to and watch a video on YouTube) arrives six days later when you paid for Express Overnight Delivery, that is, again, just a sign of things to come.

Five, if your purchase involves taking your friend's beloved Blackberry apart so that you can put a spiffy new case on it, take care not to strip those teeny tiny little screws that are in there. They're important. And if you do strip them, try to not do it when you have it put together incorrectly so that you are then left to figure out how to remove said stripped screws.

Six, when you figure out that you need some pliers and it's 11 o'clock at night and you have your friend's Blackberry in about 27 different pieces, try and not have that happen if she doesn't own any pliers and you're at her place. Because that's when you realize that you have to drive the 20-ish miles through the treacherous canyon back to your place to get the pliers, fix the Blackberry, put it back together (now with spiffy new case!) and then drive the 20-ish miles back to your friend's place to drop it off and then drive the 20-ish miles back home again in time to write something witty for your blog.

Seven, if as your leaving your friend's house with the multi-pieced Blackberry in hand on your quest to find pliers, and she happens to tell you that she has total confidence in you that you can take care of it and all will be good by morning (and that she wouldn't have that confidence in anyone else but you), don't screw it up. (That is why I prefer that people have extremely low expectations of me. I want people to think that I can't do squat. That way they're always pleasantly surprised when anything I do, no matter how insignificant it is, actually occurs. Having these expectations of "I know you can do it" is just a nerve wracking experience. I don't know how any of you achievers (not "over", just "achievers") do it.

Eight, when you get back home after all of the above, realize why you did it and then bask in the fact that you have a friend that's totally worth doing all of that for. Because for that ordeal, they're one heckuva friend and you'd better be thankful that you have someone like that around.

And now I'm just going to hope like crazy that the damn thing still works when she flips it on in the morning. And if it does, hall-e-freaking-lu-yah. But not just because she'll be happy, but because it's kinda nice to be the hero. And after that? Write yourself a strongly worded email to those Canucks in America's Hat and tell them what you think of their easy to install, five days late, without instructions product.

Yeah, that should just about do it.

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