You Coulda Told Us

Hey! Guess what?! You could be slowly killing yourself! No, not with all that crap that you eat. No, not with your extreme lack of exercise. And I'm guessing that your drinking isn't really a problem, per se. And I'll be honest, the smoking really isn't helping anything, but that's not what I'm going at here. Yeah, I'm talking about an article I read over at ABC which informed me that "An international panel of experts says cellphones are possibly carcinogenic to humans after reviewing details from dozens of published studies." Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me!

Now?? They're just getting around to figuring this stuff out NOW?! Let me get this straight. Practically every man, woman and child in the civilized parts of the globe (ie, damn near everyone, as the article say that "According to a survey last year, the number of cellphone subscribers worldwide has hit 5 billion, or nearly three-quarters of the global population." ), has a freaking cellphone and NOW you're telling us that they MAY be carcinogenic?! Great! I'm trying to think of when this information could have been more useful. Oh, I know! BEFORE we all got in the habit of holding a damn cell phone up to our noggin all the live long day.

Maybe I shouldn't panic. Let's see...what other things are they comparing the cell phone usage to? Um...oh, here it is. "The group classified cellphones in category 2B, meaning they are possibly carcinogenic to humans. Other substances in that category include the pesticide DDT and gasoline engine exhaust." Hmmm. We've been told for quite some time that DDT and vehicle emissions are bad for us. We seem to have accepted that. I mean, DDT is not in use anymore because of how bad it's supposed to be. And now we have cell phones in that same category. All right then. We're all going to die.

What they're concerned about are people developing brain tumors. While they say that it's hard to pinpoint if the cellphones cause the cancer, a lot of people with these tumors use cell phones. Then again, since 75% of the world uses cell phones, that isn't exactly a damning factor. But there is a group called Cancer Research U.K. and they recommend that "...children under 16 only use cellphones for essential calls because their brains and nervous systems are still developing." I see. Soooo, if they can alter a brain that is still developing, I'm going to guess that they can alter a brain, period.

While I'm not exactly surprised by this finding, I am a little annoyed that it's taken this long to get to this point. Seriously, why can't this sort of stuff be thought about when things are being developed? Hey, you're going to make a little device that people will hold up to their head for elongated periods of time? What say you find out if all of that electromagnetic radiation is going to turn my melon into a cauliflower BEFORE sell it to us? Just a thought. I don't get it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go figure out where the speakerphone is on my super awesome EVO 4G. After that, I'm going to hope that someone calls me so that I can save myself.

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Zimbabwe No-Brainer

From the fine (yet likely miserable) folks over there at sundaynews.co.zw, a crocodile's brain was stolen. That is correct, the brain of a crocodile. Stolen. Yet that's not as shocking as the rest of the story.

The police are looking for someone who killed the crocodile and removed it's brains. Apparently the brains can be used to poison unsuspecting individuals (as it is hard to poison a suspecting individual due to their unwillingness to be poisoned). The crocodile was at a coal mining company (I don't recall seeing coal in the Florida swamplands. Why do crocodiles in Zimbabwe live around coal?) and so the Hwange Colliery Company Risk and Control Department (which is where they hide their security guards) has asked residents of the area to promptly report any cases of a) food poisoning and b) someone found in possession of crocodile brains. (I would have directly copied the text from the article and quoted it, but Zimbabwe's news in English isn't spelled all that great, as their publication stated for people to report "any person found in position of crocodile brains". So if you see a guy sitting in the empty cranium of a crocodile, quick, call the Colliery!)

Now it isn't clear if the brain was taken for some sort of ritualistic purpose of if was taken for the purpose of poisoning people. (The thief or thieves did not leave a note.) The crocodile brain is regarded as highly toxic (hence, why it makes a really good poison) and in some rural cultures it is used by some "unscrupulous individuals to lace foodstuffs with the intention of killing their victims." (I don't know which part of that I find more amusing. The "foodstuffs" part (It's stuff we eat. Food stuff!) or that they felt the need to point out that individuals who will lace said "foodstuffs" with the intention of killing the hungry victim are "unscrupulous individuals." Definitely a toss up on that one.)

But it's not just foodstuffs you have to be careful of not getting a crocodile brain elixir slipped into when you're out of the hut. That's because many beer drinkers in Zimbabwe have been killed through binging on beer that has been laced with the toxic brain-o-the-croc. Along with the brain, a crocdile's bile is said to also be "highly devastative" to humans and animals if eaten or otherwise consumed. So crocodile brains and pancreas, off limits!

And now, here is where the sundaynews.co.zw really shows off their media reporting diversity. This informative article concludes with, "The crocodile tail and meat are consumed as a delicacy, which can be roasted, fried, grilled or deep-fried, while the legs and some of the body parts are best stewed, as is done in West Africa. " Nice! An entire article about the toxicity of the innards of large reptiles and they bring it all together with a few cooking tips! Are you sure you guys don't want to throw in some Hints from Heloise as well? Miss Manners? Dear Abby perhaps?

Ah, I guess I shouldn't be picking on Zimbabwe. They have way too many other things to worry about. Below are all of the headlines that were on the side of the webpage story about the croc noggins. They're very brief and very depressing. Nonetheless, I am still very curious as to what a mealie-meal is. Stay tuned, won't ye? U-S-A! U-S-A!

• Man dies mysteriously
• Uncle (54) rapes niece (18)
• Vote recounting kicks off
• MDC-T to surrender national assets to UK and USA
• Minister warns opposition
• ANC shoots down Tsvangirai call
• MDC thugs unleash terror on ZANU-PF supporters
• Mealie-meal supplies to improve
• Indigenisation Act now operational
• City council repossesses stands
• Manhunt launched for killers
• Learn more about EPAs
• Skeletal remains found in Park
• Govt seeks alternative sources of fuel
• Man up for attempted rape
• One dies as mine collapses
• Pregnant woman forced to drink raw sewage
• Clinics see red
  

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