Just Stop Being A Perv!

Holy crap. Look, I know that I've wrote way too much about penises this week (Penii?) and in more ways than one. I've wrote about people who are named after schlongs (Anthony Weiner) and people who just are acting like dicks. (Anthony Weiner again. Shocking, I know.) And since he won't resigns and keeps pulling crap, I have to keep getting all bent out of shape about it. (Which, by the way, is what I wish would happen to his wang.) And yesterday, he pulled the ultimate lame-ass move for someone who has been caught acting like the pig that they are. That's right. Anthony Weiner went into "treatment".

Treatment for what? You jackass! Treatment for how to not act like the downtown corner trenchcoat flasher? Treatment for how not to act like a 14-year old boy in the full throttle of hormones surges? Treatment for the proper care and usage of a flipping cell phone?! Treatment for how to be a better liar (because you have sucked at lying the entire time)? Treatment for how to not cheat on your wife of about one year who is newly pregnant? Any of those? Any of 'em? Bueller? Bueller? Treatment for WHAT?! You don't need "treatment". You need a friggin' belt! And you need to keep it ON your pants so that you're not tempted to drop them and take pictures of your thing and send them over Twitter to college girls! That's what he needs!

Go! Go away, take your penis with you (as if he'd ever go anywhere without at least an 8x10 glossy of it) and just go away. Please listen to people in your party who are requesting that you resign. Just stop making a mockery of this whole deal and making people think about your weenie. Go! At least if you resign and go away, then you can be your pervo self and not a pervo Congressman. It's none of my business what you do if you're not part of a government that my taxes help support. Get out. Go! And good luck with your "treatment". I hope your wife has lunch with Lorena Bobbitt. She might have some tips on how to handle something like this.

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The Money Shot

So Anthony Weiner sent the money shot. That's right. He sent a relatively unobscured photo of his genitalia to some chick via his cellular telephone. That's right. It's a telephone that also takes pictures. And it sends those pictures to other people whether they want them or not! What a great time to be alive! Or not. I'm kind of starting to think that it's the latter.

He kind of has to resign now, doesn't he? I mean, now that it has come out that he has been sending pictures of his naked manhood to college girls that he met online via Twitter (of all things), can he really still be a member of Congress? I think that's really the question. And it bothers me that I don't have a freaking answer.

On the one hand, he's obviously a total perv. But what if he is a perv who gets the job that he was elected to do done? Should it matter than he's a total perv? I don't really know if it should, but I know that it does. Shouldn't there be some sort of moral standard for our elected officials? And I don't think I'm being all that radical by suggesting that one of those standards be NOT taking pictures of your junk and texting it to people. No, wait. Let me revise that. I don't think that I'm being all that radical by suggesting that one of those standards be to NOT GET CAUGHT doing whatever it is that you do with your various body parts.

Private lives are supposed to be private, just the same way that private parts are supposed to be private. Look, what you do with your weiner in your own time is your own business. Take as many pictures of it as you want. Put different little hats on it or dress it up for special occasions. I really don't care. But I sure don't want to know about it! The day I get a picture on my phone of some guy's wang with a little bowler hat and a necktie on it (where the tie would go if it HAD a neck) is the day when that person is forever after declared a perv and and idiot. He could have avoided both labels by just not getting caught OR by simply not doing something so freaking weird.

If you're interested in the money shot, you can click here and it will take you there. But remember, it's a shot of an erect penis. Do I really need to shout that it is NSFW? It's not safe for work. It's not safe for home. It's not safe for anywhere! (How did he get that angle? Is there a timer on the camera on his phone? I'm so confused.)

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He's STILL Lying!

Well, here's a shocker. I hope you're sitting down because do you remember those weiner shots that were sent from Anthony Weiner's Twitter account last week? The ones that he strongly denied sending? The ones that he said were a result of his Twitter account being hacked? Yeah, he sent them. Shocking, I know.

He held a little press conference yesterday

where he finally admitted what anyone with half of a brain has known since allegations of Weinergate first surface. In short, he sent pictures of his aroused manhood to some chick that he had become acquainted with online. This is where my first issue comes in. Who does this sort of thing? (And I'm asking serious questions here because I am extremely confused.) What kind of a guy takes a picture of his crank and sends it to some chick with his phone? What is the thought process there? "Hey! Look at this! It's mine! Whaddaya think of that?!" I'm open to suggestions. I really don't get the thought mentality.

Next, how is what the Weiner was doing with his weiner any different than some guy in a trench coat flashing people on the street? I mean, are these things planned out? (If they are, I think that would make it a little bit weirder.) I don't think that they are. It seems like what happens is that there might be a little bit of sexy talk and then the next thing you know...BAM! Weiner in your inbox! (Figuratively speaking, of course...and for now). But really, is he any different from your friendly neighborhood flasher? I'm seeing a lot more similarities than I am differences. (And by the way, if you DO have a friendly neighborhood flasher, perhaps consider relocating to a nicer area. That's no way to go through life, son.)

I'd also like to point out that Weiner did a little "crying". I don't know if actual tears were shed, but his voice did

crack a few times and it was fairly obvious that he knew that he was in trouble. What fascinates me about this is that these jackasses can lie like a rug when they're trying to. They have NO trouble covering up ANY emotions when they are vehemently denying everything that they so totally did. They're emotionless, indignant snakes when they're lying. As soon as they're exposed (literally, in this case) they start crying like a little girl. Does anyone actually "buy" it when they cry? It just pisses me off more.And you know what pisses me off even more than that? Crappy media reporting, that is correct. Every freaking report out there that I have read about these schlong shenanigans tell me that the Weiner finally took responsibility for his actions. You're going to read it here first (and, from what I can tell, NO WHERE ELSE) that that's a bunch of crap. He hadn't talked for an entire minute before he was lying! I'm serious! Why am I the only one who caught that?! He said, "Last Friday night, I tweeted a photograph of myself that I intended to send as a direct message as part of a joke to a woman in Seattle." What?! It was so NOT a joke! Why is everyone just breezing right over that?! He's lying! It wasn't a joke! Later on in his lame little speech, he said, "I have exchanged messages and photos of an explicit nature with about six women over the last three years." Were those jokes too, you lying piece of crap?! Why is no one calling him on this stuff?!

God, the media sucks. This guy is a weird snake. I hope he has to resign. I don't like people like him in positions of power, especially after blatantly lying to everyone under the sun about showing his wang off on Twitter! Go away, Weiner! And take your weiner with you. (By the way, NBC New York has the transcript of his lame-o apology if you want to read it.

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Grilling The Weiner

Let me ask you something. How many pictures of your wang are out there? If you're woman and therefore, wangless, perhaps you can take a moment to inventory how many pictures of your lower regions are floating around out there. I have done the same. Now, I don't know about you, but my total was zero. Thus, if you were to ask me this question, I would have an immediate answer. (I should take this opportunity to mention that figuring out that there are zero pictures like that of me out there (or ANYWHERE) took me less than two seconds.) I would have that answer so rapidly because it shouldn't be something that one has to think about for longer than the two seconds that I allotted myself. Apparently, Anthony Weiner does not fall into the same category as I (and, hopefully you) do.

When I first heard about this story, I didn't think that it could possibly be real. A

guy named Weiner is being accused of sending a picture of his weiner via Twitter?! It's like a dream come true for me! But that is what allegedly happened. (And between you and me, it totally happened. I just have to throw in "allegedly" because that's what you do when you know something totally happened.) According to Yahoo! News, "...a lewd photo was sent from the congressman's Twitter account to a 21-year old female college student via the social networking site--and it was visible for all the public to see." Yeah, that's a problem. Not as much of a problem as his reaction to what happened, but definitely a problem.

He sure didn't take it all that seriously at first. I'd be rather alarmed if someone was sending pictures of my wang across Twitter (and just not because I don't have a wang) and it wasn't me doing it. But no, he just said, "Look, this is a prank and not a terribly creative one...I was hacked. It happens to people. You move on." Huh. You're not even just mildly curious as to who is sending pictures under the assumption that the sender is you? Even if you're a congressman that doesn't bother you? You just want to move on? Just like that, eh? Yeah, that's usually a sign that someone doesn't want to talk about something. Here's a tip: Things like this? Try and be really upset about them. It's more believable than acting like you don't care if people send lewd pictures and make them from you. That's not believable AT ALL.

And the more that he "answered questions" about this, the more not believable it became. For instance, when Luke Russert asked him in an interview "That's not a picture of you?", his reply was not really what I would have expected from someone with NO knowledge of these sorts of shenanigans. He said, "You know, I can't say with certitude. My system was hacked. Pictures can be manipulated. Pictures can be dropped in and inserted." OK, now he's just saying words. (And for the record, it's an "account" not a "system". But I digress.) That doesn't make any sense. If pictures can be manipulated and you DON'T have any pictures of your grundle out there, then you should be able to say "NO, it's not my weiner." But more than once that is not what happened with this guy.

In a different interview, this time the the monotone voiced Wolf Blitzer, he danced around the question again. Wolf made the astute observation that "...he should be able to recognize his own underwear." Yes! Yes, he should! But again, Mr. Weiner (God, I love typing that!) replied in a way that is unimaginable to me when he said "...It certainly doesn't look familiar to me but I don't want to say with certitude to you something that I don't know to be the certain truth." How can you NOT say with certain truth that those pictures were not of you if you don't take pictures like that of yourself?! I could say for certain if a picture like that was of me. It would absolutely not be for the sole reason that there ARE NO pictures like that of me! I don't need to think about it.

Seriously, what about this exchange: Wolf continued to grill the

Weiner (I needed a BBQ-ing pun in there somewhere) directly if he had ever taken a picture like the one in question of himself. The response was less than convincing when he said "I can tell you this. There are... I have photographs. I don't know what photographs are out there in the world of me. I don't know what things have been manipulated and doctored. And we're going to try to find out what happened." Let me save you the time! I know what happened! You send a picture of your junk over Twitter to some college chick in Washington! Mystery solved!

I noticed that he didn't elaborate a whole lot on "I have photographs." Really? Of your erect manhood inside of your underwear? Why do you have those photographs? Just because your name is weiner doesn't mean that it has to be all about the weiner. Who does that? What a moron. No one wants to see a picture of your penis. They're not that great. They're kinda funny looking and I have no idea how you guys walk around with one of those things down there. But again, I digress. There are better ways to deny that you've done something extremely inadvisable than to do everything BUT deny it. Does he think we're idiots? Or is he just an idiot? Considering that it seems fairly obvious that he did send a picture of his slightly covered genitals, I'm going to go with the latter.

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