Don't Text In The Magnited States Of America

First things first. No, I do not know why these posts are being formatted the way that they are. It sucks. I realize that. I think it has something to do with Windows Vista that I am being forced to use until my new power supply on my regular computer is installed. Whatever it is, it should only last a couple more days at the most. I hate it too. Now that I've cleared that up, onward!

You know where I want to go to see a movie? The Alamo Drafthouse Theater in Austin. You know why? Because they're awesome. Any movie theater that will kick someone out for using their phone during a movie will definitely get repeat business from me. All I have to do now is figure out how to get to Austin.

Here's the story: According to a site with the super awesome name of Film Drunk, "...a girl was recently kicked out of the Alamo without refund for

texting after she’d already been warned twice". Wow. They warn people AND they follow through and kick them out when the people don't give a crap. Awesome. Can you see why I would want to watch movies at this fine establishment? I cannot stand when I have already shelled out way too much money to watch something that will hopefully not be mediocre and then there is some a-hole sitting next to me or in front of me with their phone out and glowing the entire time. And apparently, the Alamo Drafthouse Theater knows exactly that, which is why they actually do something about the aforementioned a-holes. Now, this chick that was booted out, let's just say that she was a little inebriated. I don't know how much she had actually imbibed in, but it was enough for her to call the theater and complain about her ejection. Let's go through the content of her message, shall we?

"Yeah, I was wondering if you guys actually enjoy treating your customers like pieces of s***? Because that's how I felt when I went to the Alamo Drafthouse! (I like how she names the place when she's already calling that place. It's like she's writing a review on Yelp! or something.) Okay? You know what? I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to text in your little crappy ass theater. (You're not supposed to text in any theater, cupcake. Crappy ass or not. Though I'm relatively sure that the Alamo Drafthouse is not a crappy ass theater. It might have had a crappy ass customer, but that doesn't reflect upon the establishment at all.) It was too f***ing dark in that place for me to find my seat. All right? I was using my PHOOONNNE as a FLASHLIGHT to get to my f***in' seat. (I thought you just said that you didn't know you weren't supposed to text? But now you're using it as a flashlight? OK, then.) So EXCUSE ME for using MY phone. In USA MAGNITED STATES OF AMERICA! (The Magnited States of America. Maybe she meant 'magneted'. You know. Because all of the states are all held together.) Where yer..you are FREE to TEXT in a THE-A-TER! (You're still unclear on the concept, buttercup. You're NOT free to annoy everyone around you and text, er, use your phone as a flashlight in a theater.) I was not AWARE that I couldn't text in your theater. All right? I've texted in all the other theaters in Austin and no one ever gave a f*** about what me...I was doin' on my f***in' phone. (Oh, I'm going to go ahead and disagree with that. I'm pretty sure that MOST people gave a f*** that you were texting during their movie. You sound like a peach. I can't believe this is the first time that you've been kicked out of someplace with that attitude.) All right? And it was on SILENT. It watn't on LOUD. It wasn't BOTHERING anybody. (It isn't supposed to be on AT ALL! You're at the movies! Turn your G-D phone OFF!) You guys, obviously, were being a-holes to me. (I'll go to those a-holes theater any time if they kick out people like you.) AND I'm SURE that's what you do...you know...to rip people off. You take my money and then you throw me out. You know? I will never be comin' back to your Alamo Drafthouse or whatever. (Victory! Now I will DEFINITELY go to the Alamo Drafthouse because I know for a fact SHE won't be there.) I'd rather go to a reglear theater where people are actually polite. Annit...you know? I'm gonna tell EVERYONE about how s****y you are. And I'm pretty sure you guys are being a-holes on purpose. (If kicking you out because people like you annoy the crap out of everyone around them means that they were being a-holes on purpose, then yes. They were.) So thanks for making me fill like a customer. Thanks for takin' my money,a-hole! (Thanks for never going back, sweetheart.)

And right when you think that this couldn't get any better, it does! See, those a-holes over there at the Alamo Drafthouse are so proud of what they did (and they absolutely should be) that they took this little angel's voicemail message and made it their "Don't Text or Talk" PSA which they will be playing before all of their R-rated movies! You can check out their explanation of the events that transposed and their PSA on their website. I love this place. I've never been, but one day, I will go. If you're in the Austin area, please go see a movie at this place. It seems like a given that you won't be interrupted during your film. Awesome. Simply awesome.

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Similarly Messaged Mugshots

I'm a fan of a message T-shirt. I enjoy a good message T-shirt. What I really like is a good message T-shirt in a mugshot. Those are classic...and telling! Prophetic in some instances. But almost always amusing. What I've noticed about the message T's that show up in mugshots is that a lot of them are very similar. Two criminals, er....alleged criminals who don't even know each other and they're wearing the same shirt as the other one is wearing or they're wearing a shirt with a message that is very similar to another alleged criminal's shirt.

And it's not just one or two. It's more than that. It's enough to make you start to wonder what it would take to set up a kiosk in the prison exercise yard and sell them to convicts, er....(No, wait. If they're in prison, they actually are convicted. Thus, they are by the very definition of the word, definitely convicts. Carry on.) I'd have to think that there's some sort of permit involved. Not to mention some training, probably a fee or two, not to mention the constant threat (or opportunity. To each their own) of a little prisoner on prisoner lovin'. Ew. Never mind. Perhaps mail order would be the way to go!

Whichever direction you decide to take it won't matter because future arrestees need shirts! They need messaged shirts! Shirts with a message! You wouldn't even need a huge inventory, as they're not very original or creative. Behold!

Yep. And you three aren't just the kid I was warned about, you three also look exactly like what my parents told me to look out for. Seemingly harmless, yet with no regard for the laws of society, fairly simple minded, somewhat of a follower and a snappy dresser.

Considering the two below are clearly under arrest, they didn't seem to heed the warnings and/or suggestions of their shirts there. That's unfortunate. It could have helped as it seems like there's a list. I wonder how many of them they actually said to said cop right before said arrest. Or would it be quicker to figure out how many they didn't say? Hmmm. Yeah, probably the second one.

Here we have one who knows she's drunk and one who insists he cannot be drunk. Both of them could probably learn something from one another. Get them both on the same page with either being drunk or not being drunk and you've got yourself the makings of a beautiful, allegedly felonious friendship there. Aim high.

Opposites attract?

These women are each proclaiming their Irish heritage. They're practically sisters!


These two are in total agreement with each other. He blames her, she takes the blame. Judging from her expression, she seems a little flabbergasted by the result

More opposites, more attracting.

Why keep all of your important numbers in your cell phone? They're just going to take that away from you when you get arrested. But these two found a way around that! They just keep the really important numbers on their shirts. How convenient!

Yep, lots of similar message T-shirts amongst the mugshotted individuals. Just expect that if you're ever thinking of running afoul of the law. And speaking of "The Law", there's a picture of it below. Steer clear of that and you'll be home free!

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Merry Christmas 2008

I'm sure I could come up with something ludicrous to put here today. But I think I'll pass. It's Christmas. It just wouldn't seem....right. You know, kinda like one of those inflatable, lit up, manger scenes in someone's front yard? You know that the people mean well, but it just doesn't translate into the "feeling of Christmas" all that great.


I don't know if this is going to translate into the "feeling of Christmas" all that great either. So to make sure that nothing gets lost in translation, I'm keepin' it short. (But just in case it does get lost in translation, I'm really shootin' for the whole "feeling of Christmas" thing here. Just so you know.)

I'm grateful for this day because it's kinda where it all started or where it all starts. Without the events of this day, I wouldn't have a chance to be forgiven for all of the times and all of the things that I screw up. And there's a lot of 'em. Trust me. And it's not just me that has that opportunity. It's everyone. Including all of the morons that I mock incessantly. They too can (surprisingly) be forgiven for all of their evil-doings.

The whole Christmas thing just makes me happy. And I try to share that happiness with others when given the opportunity. (And in forms other than this blog. Hey. Why are you laughing?) And this year I had an excellent opportunity to spread my own little version of happiness and I totally took fully advantage of said opportunity (seemingly to the delight of others; which was the point.) I also try to enjoy those around me and those in my life and give them just one day where their obvious shortcomings don't annoy me. That's my way of spreadin' the joy. That alone makes others grateful as well.

(You know, I really do have more heartfelt feelings about people in my life than I either care to admit or am capable of expressing without either scaring the other person or becoming inadvertently engaged to four different individuals when I'm done.)

So Merry Christmas. Now go spread some cheer. Or some love. Or both. You've got the whole rest of the year for all of the other crap. Today? Love, cheer, and thanks. Spread a little of that around, will ya? It's Christmas, for cryin' out loud!

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Happy Birthday, H!

OK, so this post will have little significance for anyone other than myself and my buddy whose birthday is today (well, and maybe if I do it right, possibly her friends so that she can show them that I'm normal (stop it!) and not a freak (I said stop it!) like some of the others that she has attracted previously). I'm allowed to do stuff like this once in a while. I am the boss of me, after all.

Happy birthday, chica. I think that today will turn out better than you think it will. And thanks for wanting to spend part of it with me. You know....'cause I think you're kind of nifty and all. (You've been pretty good for me. I kind of like that).

Enjoy your day with your friends and with the boy. I'll see you later today (at which time you will still not have guessed what your present is, but won't need to for much longer), In and Out in hand. (No, that's not a euphemism. I'm bringing food. But always feel free to euphemize away!) In the meantime, I hope your day is at least as smokin' hot as you are.

Happy Birthday! ~ M

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