Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Don't Text In The Magnited States Of America

First things first. No, I do not know why these posts are being formatted the way that they are. It sucks. I realize that. I think it has something to do with Windows Vista that I am being forced to use until my new power supply on my regular computer is installed. Whatever it is, it should only last a couple more days at the most. I hate it too. Now that I've cleared that up, onward!

You know where I want to go to see a movie? The Alamo Drafthouse Theater in Austin. You know why? Because they're awesome. Any movie theater that will kick someone out for using their phone during a movie will definitely get repeat business from me. All I have to do now is figure out how to get to Austin.

Here's the story: According to a site with the super awesome name of Film Drunk, "...a girl was recently kicked out of the Alamo without refund for
texting after she’d already been warned twice". Wow. They warn people AND they follow through and kick them out when the people don't give a crap. Awesome. Can you see why I would want to watch movies at this fine establishment? I cannot stand when I have already shelled out way too much money to watch something that will hopefully not be mediocre and then there is some a-hole sitting next to me or in front of me with their phone out and glowing the entire time. And apparently, the Alamo Drafthouse Theater knows exactly that, which is why they actually do something about the aforementioned a-holes. Now, this chick that was booted out, let's just say that she was a little inebriated. I don't know how much she had actually imbibed in, but it was enough for her to call the theater and complain about her ejection. Let's go through the content of her message, shall we?

"Yeah, I was wondering if you guys actually enjoy treating your customers like pieces of s***? Because that's how I felt when I went to the Alamo Drafthouse! (I like how she names the place when she's already calling that place. It's like she's writing a review on Yelp! or something.) Okay? You know what? I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to text in your little crappy ass theater. (You're not supposed to text in any theater, cupcake. Crappy ass or not. Though I'm relatively sure that the Alamo Drafthouse is not a crappy ass theater. It might have had a crappy ass customer, but that doesn't reflect upon the establishment at all.) It was too f***ing dark in that place for me to find my seat. All right? I was using my PHOOONNNE as a FLASHLIGHT to get to my f***in' seat. (I thought you just said that you didn't know you weren't supposed to text? But now you're using it as a flashlight? OK, then.) So EXCUSE ME for using MY phone. In USA MAGNITED STATES OF AMERICA! (The Magnited States of America. Maybe she meant 'magneted'. You know. Because all of the states are all held together.) Where yer..you are FREE to TEXT in a THE-A-TER! (You're still unclear on the concept, buttercup. You're NOT free to annoy everyone around you and text, er, use your phone as a flashlight in a theater.) I was not AWARE that I couldn't text in your theater. All right? I've texted in all the other theaters in Austin and no one ever gave a f*** about what me...I was doin' on my f***in' phone. (Oh, I'm going to go ahead and disagree with that. I'm pretty sure that MOST people gave a f*** that you were texting during their movie. You sound like a peach. I can't believe this is the first time that you've been kicked out of someplace with that attitude.) All right? And it was on SILENT. It watn't on LOUD. It wasn't BOTHERING anybody. (It isn't supposed to be on AT ALL! You're at the movies! Turn your G-D phone OFF!) You guys, obviously, were being a-holes to me. (I'll go to those a-holes theater any time if they kick out people like you.) AND I'm SURE that's what you do...you know...to rip people off. You take my money and then you throw me out. You know? I will never be comin' back to your Alamo Drafthouse or whatever. (Victory! Now I will DEFINITELY go to the Alamo Drafthouse because I know for a fact SHE won't be there.) I'd rather go to a reglear theater where people are actually polite. Annit...you know? I'm gonna tell EVERYONE about how s****y you are. And I'm pretty sure you guys are being a-holes on purpose. (If kicking you out because people like you annoy the crap out of everyone around them means that they were being a-holes on purpose, then yes. They were.) So thanks for making me fill like a customer. Thanks for takin' my money,a-hole! (Thanks for never going back, sweetheart.)

And right when you think that this couldn't get any better, it does! See, those a-holes over there at the Alamo Drafthouse are so proud of what they did (and they absolutely should be) that they took this little angel's voicemail message and made it their "Don't Text or Talk" PSA which they will be playing before all of their R-rated movies! You can check out their explanation of the events that transposed and their PSA on their website. I love this place. I've never been, but one day, I will go. If you're in the Austin area, please go see a movie at this place. It seems like a given that you won't be interrupted during your film. Awesome. Simply awesome.

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Mark said...

All I have to do now is figure out how to get to Austin.

American has a lot of flights from SFO to AUS. It looks like most of them go through DFW.

Anonymous said...

We have these in Houston too. A little farther out than other theaters for me but well worth the drive. I applaud these guys for following through on their warnings. Wish more companies would do the same when patrons get out of hand. Theres a serious lack of decency pervading these MAGNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Anonymous said...

Houston is SOOOO not Austin.

Anonymous said...

No! To hell with Austin... bunch of pretentious hippies. I did like what they did though.

Carol said...

Her momma must be SO proud.

Lindsay said...

I'm going to see a movie at the Alamo this afternoon! I'll tip a beer for you. Loved the post!! Thanks for the shout out to Austin and the Alamo. In addition to knowing how to treat their good customers (protecting their experience by getting rid of the talkers and texters) they also have a great menu and beer selection. Let me know when you make it to Austin!