Friday, June 24, 2011

They're Not In There

There are several ways to tell if you might have a drug problem. If you start missing work or going to work high, you might have a drug problem. If you start avoiding things that you once found pleasurable so that you can do drugs instead, you might have a drug problem. If you find yourself cutting open your acquaintances rectum with a straight razor to look for drugs, you might have a drug problem. Wait. What?

Correct. Meet Ethan Adam Younce, a 22-year old lad from Elkton, MD.
According to something called The Dreamin' Demon, it seems that ol' Ethan and a bunch of his buddies were at a house at around 4AM. (Nothing good happens after midnight, folks. Nothing. I know that it seems like there's a lot of stuff going on, but there isn't. Nothing good, anyways. Take this story for instance. It happened after midnight and there isn't one good thing about it.) I'm assuming that young Ethan and his friends were just as high as could be because after one of the lads at the house passed out, "Younce and two others at the party believe that the man passed out has either drug money or drugs shoved up his ass." Of course. Because...well...why wouldn't he? Or something.

Naturally, Ethan and his friends, a one 27-year old (and old enough to know better) Eric Edward Allen and a one 18-year old) and also old enough to know better) Maurice Helton, woke the sleeping man up by beating him. While that does seem like an effective way to roust someone from their slumber, it really doesn't seem necessary. Oh, and speaking of things that don't seem necessary, you know what else fits into that category? What happened next, that's what!


See, because there was, by all reasonable calculations (coming from the geniuses who were convinced that this guy had a stack of
drugs in the suppository position) at least FIFTY dollars worth of drugs, they decided to go looking for them. So "Younce’s accomplices held him down while Younce stripped him". And here's where it gets a little oogie. This is not for the faint at heart. It's really not for anyone, but if you can read this without squirming in your seat at least once, then you have nerves of steel at the very least.

With the guy completed naked, Younce decided to carve up his anal region like a Thanksgiving turkey. Using a silver-and-black folding razor, Younce began cutting away...down there! And of course, his friends helped him in this endeavor because they must have thought that it was a perfectly reasonable thing to do to someone who might have all of FIFTY DOLLARS worth of drugs in their rectum. Fortunately, one of the people in the house realized that nothing good happens after midnight and ran "...
shrieking to a neighbor to call 911." The cops showed up. Younce was arrested. His victim went to the hospital for "...emergency butt reconstruction surgery". He made it through the surgery and surprise! No drugs were found. Shocking, I know.

I have yet to read in any of the accounts of this fiasco exactly what Mr. Younce was high on in the first place. There's no way he was sober. That sort of information could prove helpful in the war on drugs. Listen, if I were a youngster and someone was talking to me about the dangers of this Drug X that Mr. Younce was on and they mentioned that this particular drug could make someone think really crazy thoughts about what was up my butt and want to carve it out of me with a razor, you can be damn sure that I wouldn't be around anyone who did that sort of drug EVER! I highly doubt that I would be doing that drug EVER as well. It sure as heck beats that "This is your brain on drugs" campaign with the fried eggs. I don't want to turn into the person that thinks that everyone's ass is a drug pinata. That's no way to go through life, son. No way at all.

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