That's About Right

I don't know how I missed this one, but better late than never, I suppose. Apparently, last month, a woman named Christine Wright-Darrislaw called the White House and threatened President Barry. The nerve! In the complaint against her, it says that the White House operator who answered Wright's call said that she was "...screaming into the phone with regard to how unfair the child custody laws were and that she needed Obama to fix this." I guess she didn't understand that child custody laws aren't a federal matter. (And you know, all of that screaming isn't going to help her much. You'd think that people would realize this, but they don't. They just keep acting like lunatics and then wonder why everyone treats them accordingly.) And that's when she decided that it would be a good idea to tell the operator "I am going to (blank) and kill Obama."

I am dying to know what the (blank) is! I can't imagine what they could possibly need to redact in this context. I suppose it could be an obscenity, but that doesn't make sense. Why would she say she was going to f*** and kill President Barry? That doesn't make any sense. You know what? I'll bet it was effing kill! I'll bet that's what she said and it was just transcribed wrong. That makes more sense than to blank and kill. But I digress. Where was I?

Oh, right! The lunatic. Look, the highlight of this story is really the mugshot, so let's just get to it, shall we? Behold!

Seems about right, doesn't it? Totally. I find this to be absolutely hilarious. And spot on. That's exactly the face that I would expect from someone who called the White House and was screaming about child support and wanting to kill the President. Exactly the face.

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R.I.P Paul

There's been a celebrity death. If you haven't heard, brace yourself. Are you braced? ARE YOU?? Good. Here we go. The beloved cephalopod mollusc, a one Paul the Octopus, has died. Wait. What?

Paul the Octopus. He's dead. Dead I said. (I'm feeling a bit of a Dr. Seuss eulogy coming on here. I must refrain.) You remember Paul, don't you? He was the octopus in Oberhausen, Germany, who lived at the Sea Life Center. Paul was able to correctly "predict" the winner of all of the matches that Germany played at the 2010 World Cup, including the final. Here's how it worked: One of the Sea Life Center folks would put an octopus treat (I'm guessing something similar to a Scooby Snack) in two clear plastic boxes. One box had the flag of Germany on it and the other box had the flag of Germany's opponent on it. Whichever box that Paul opened first to get his little Octopus Ort (it just doesn't have the same ring to it as Scooby Snack does), that was supposed to be the winner. And, surprisingly enough, in this case, it was the winner...seven times in a row.

But now he's dead at the ripe old octopus age of 2-1/2. Apparently, that is normal for an octopus. And while that may be interesting to you and me, I highly doubt that ol' Paul is finding the fascination in it right about now. But the way that this is being treated in the press, you'd think that one of the leaders of the free world had just croaked it. It seems to be getting an awful lot of ink (pun probably intended) for an octopus. But not everyone is in mourning (or craving calamari) right now. No, according to The Hindu (the publication, not a random guy), a one Diego Maradona, the former coach of the Argentina team, is not in mourning. The chap seems to be rather happy, as indicated in a freaking tweet that read, "I am happy your gone Psychic Octopus, it’s your fault we lost the World Cup." I see. After someone explains to Mr. Maradona that there is no such thing as a "psychic octopus", could someone then explain to him that "you're" is the correct form of "you are" that he was looking for there? Thank you.

And see, I would have found it amusing that someone was so into the whole dead octopus scene if it were not for this blurb at the end of the article: "Paul died early Tuesday of natural causes. His passing was mourned by the world football community and the aquarium in Oberhausen announced it would set up a small monument in his honour." Oh, for cryin' out loud.

A small monument? For a lucky octopus? Really? What kind of a small monument are we talking about here? A large bowl of cocktail sauce, perhaps? I don't get it. And as long as I'm on the subject of things I don't get, what was I supposed to infer from learning that he died of "natural causes"? As opposed to what? Being snuffed out by his lesser known cousin, The Unlucky Squid? Well, that would depend on who you're asking. Wait. What now?

If you ask a Chinese filmmaker named Jiang Xiao (pronounce that however you'd like) she'll tell you “I am 60 to 70 per cent sure that Paul died on July 9th (two days before the World Cup final) and the Germans have been covering up his death and fooling us for a long time.” Really? 60 to 70 percent sure? A little over half sure? Well, OK, then! Seriously? Really? That's like a C-minus at best. I'm not so sure that I'd call that grounds for "a cover up". I might call it grounds to get some inane publicity for your forthcoming film about nothing, though.

Really. According to something called The Spec, "Shortly...after picking Spain over his native Germany in the semis, he received anonymous death threats." Someone threatened an octopus? How would the octopus know? Could this octopus also read? Did it correspond with fans? What the hell is going on over there in German aquariums?! That seems to be the real issue at this point!

The unpronounceable conspiracy theorist filmmaker (there's a title for a business card for you) claims that the "Paul" that was in the tank making all of the predictions was really another octopus that had been switched out. What evidence does this nutjob have for this theory? "(Octopuses) all look the same. It is impossible to tell the difference.” You know what else looks the same? Crazy. Crazy looks the same no matter who it is who's boasting all of the crazy. The octopus is dead. Get over it.

And P.S. If he had picked all six winning Powerball numbers one week, then you would have had my attention. Actually, if it had been something other than soccer you would have had my attention. Couldn't he have been put to use for a more exciting sport?

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Censoring Bears In The Name Of All That Is Muslim

Well, we've lost. I thought maybe there was a chance this wouldn't happen, but it did and we lost. So close, too. So very close. What's that? Oh, yeah. The South Park guys were going to have Muhammad in their episode this week, but the network censored it, presumably because they were afraid that the Muslim extremists would come unglued (like they always do) and end up killing someone over it (like they always want to do).

Here's the scoop: According to an article over at the LA Times, "...after an ominous threat from a radical Muslim website, the network that airs the program (South Park) bleeped out all references to the prophet Muhammad in the second of two episodes set to feature the holy figure dressed in a bear costume." Wait. In a bear costume? You can't have Muhammad in a bear costume? Are you kidding me?

Whether you can or you can't probably isn't the issue. But what became the issue is that over at something called revolutionmuslim.com (a site which seems to have since been taken down), the following had been posted: "We have to warn Matt and Trey that what they are doing is stupid and they will probably wind up like Theo Van Gogh for airing this show." A photo of Van Gogh's body lying in the street was included with the original posting. "This is not a threat, but a warning of the reality of what will likely happen to them." Uh-huh. I see. So they censored the...bear? The bear. OK. What the hell?

In the same article, it explains that Matt and Trey did not agree with the decision to censor the episode (a position which I can't help but to admire the heck out of). It says that they "...clearly disagreed with their bosses' handling of the situation. A statement posted on their website said that executives "made a determination to alter the episode" without their approval and that the usual wrap-up speech from one character didn't mention Muhammad "but it got bleeped too." Great. What a bunch of wusses.

Now, look, am I saying that I would want to be the first one in American media to just come right out and mock Mohammad? Uh, no. I don't think I would. But depending on my position, I just might. Here's the thing: We can't bow down to extremist Muslims. We can't. We can't compromise our own freedom of speech because extremist Muslims issue vague death threats which they could probably find some nutjob to carry out for them. We can't be afraid of them. But that doesn't change the fact that the executives at Comedy Central are clearly very afraid of them.

When you censor something like that in this country (or anywhere, for that matter, but I'm just saying) all it does it make it so that it's easier for it to happen again. So, now, the next time that something is made fun of that a particular group doesn't like, are we going to hear death threats over it? OK, that's probably a bad example to use because the answer is most likely NO. But the answer will increasingly be "YES" when it comes to making fun of the Muslim religion. It's not like this is the first time that this has happened. And, unfortunately, it's unlikely to be the last.

You know what would have been great? What would have been great is if this threat (and it was a threat) had been made and then all that is American media (or media in general, I'm not going to be particular about it) had just saturated all of their shows and papers and magazines with references and depictions of Muhammad. Just have it everywhere. One big show of solidarity. That's what would have been great. But instead what we got was a cartoon of a bear that allegedly had Muhammad inside of it censored. Sure. That makes a lot of sense. We're doomed.

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