Friday, August 8, 2008

Paris Hilton Makes Sense?

I think that there comes a day during every year in which there is a Presidential election that you reach the point where you finally say, "Shoot me. In the head. Now." That day is today. That's because :::sigh::: Paris Hilton made sense. Shoot me. In the head. Now.

Here's the scoop: Grandpa John McCain's people created an ad which compared Barry Barry Obama to the celebrity likes of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. It has Barry standing in front of monstrous crowds (crowds that are scary big. Like soccer stadiums right before the stampede big.) while the voice over narrator chick says, "He's the biggest celebrity in the world." At the same time, the video is flashing to shots of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. Because, of course, when you think of Barry, you think of Britney, right? Ah, geez, of COURSE NOT!

I guess the point was that just because you're popular and have been elevated to a faux celebrity status ("Faux" because he IS a politician, for cryin' out loud. It's just not normal. Nor do I expect it to hold.) that doesn't necessarily mean that you have a brain in your head and are ready to lead a nation compiled largely of soft heads. So you see, it wasn't exactly a compliment for Barry. Nor Paris and Britney either, really.

I'll say this for the McCain camp. They're taking some pretty good shots at Barry. And oddly enough, he's not firing back in the same way. I'm not sure why. Maybe he's relying a bit too much on that charisma of his that is starting to need a nap because it's getting a little tired. Whatever the reason, there wasn't a response ad from Barry's camp.

There was an ad that came out from the fine folks over there at Funny or Die. It starred one person. Paris Hilton. (I'm almost choking as I type. Just having to pay attention to the daily Paris Hilton antics makes me nauseous. This is just killing me.) The ad starts off with the voice over narrator guy saying, "He’s the oldest celebrity in the world. Like super old. Old enough to remember when dancing was a sin and beer was served in a bucket. McCain, is he ready to lead?" You know, the voice that the narrator guy is the same sort of voice that one would use if Barry was a child molester or something. "He's been convicted of pedophilia five separate times. And he's just moved in. To your neighborhood." You know what I mean? The video is below. You can check it out and then you can agree with me.

So after the "beer in a bucket" intro, we then see Paris. The self important celebutard Hilton is seen reclining next to a pool wearing some sort of animal print swim suit. She turns to the camera and says, "Hey America, I’m Paris Hilton and I’m a celebrity too. Only I’m not from the olden days and I’m not promising change like that other guy. I’m just hot. " Now, don't think that just because she says something seniscal in this thing that it means that nothing else was wrong with the rest of it. Oh, because there's plenty wrong. She's "a celebrity too."? She is? What has she done? Nothing. Since when is "celebrity" equated with "shove your face into a camera every chance you get, even though you're not an actress"? Or "And if that doesn't work, stop wearing underwear, make a sex tape that's leaked on the Internet, get charged with DUI and go to jail for 21 days." And while all of those things have a lot to do with Paris Hilton, they have nothing to do with being a celebrity. Which is why she ISN'T one. But I digress.

Then she continues with what is, I'm guessing, supposed to come off as cutesy & air-headed. Cutesy? Not so much? Dumber than a box of hair? Sure.

"But then that wrinkly white-haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which I guess means I’m running for president. So thanks for the endorsement white-haired dude, and I want America to know I’m, like, totally ready to lead." All right, that would be funnier if John McCain actually was wrinkly. She makes him sound like a Shar-pei. And the part about "white-haired" is stretching it a little bit as well. I mean, seriously, you call that "hair"?

"And now I want to present my energy policy for America, just as soon as I finish this article on where I can fly to get the best tan. Oh Maui, enough said. Ok so here’s my energy policy. Barack wants to focus on new technologies to cut foreign oil dependency. And McCain wants offshore drilling. Well why don’t we do a hybrid of both candidate's ideas?" Please tell me there aren't really articles on where to freaking fly to get the best tan. Then it would be a toss up for which reason I would be blowing my head off over. Please.

“We can do limited offshore drilling with strict environmental oversight while creating tax incentives to get Detroit making hybrid and electric cars. That way the offshore drilling carries us until the new technologies kick-in which will then create new jobs and energy independence. Energy crisis solved!"

Oh, sweet mother of God. She's right.




















Now, look. You knew this. I knew this. We all knew this. But still, we've got McCain out there wanting to build more nuclear power plants than there are Starbucks and we've got Barry out there telling us to just inflate our car tires and we won't need to worry about gas prices any more. And while no one likes flat tires, that's just not going to help a whole heck of a lot. There has to be both if anyone wants anything to be done NOW. But for reasons that are completely unclear to me (not really. I know they're all idiots and that nothing is going to be done either way.), no one is allowed to say that we should take parts from one idea and parts from another idea and make one great big idea that might actually get something done. Something other than having ads on the Internet starring Paris Hilton telling us how to solve the "energy crisis". Hey, what kind of bullets do I need for this thing? I'm growing more and more despondent as this goes on.

"I’ll see you at the debates, bitches!” (OK, THAT was pretty funny.) "Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pick out a Vice-President. I’m thinking Rhianna. I’ll see you at the White House. Oh, and I might paint it pink. I hope that’s cool with you guys. Bye!"

Ah, crap. She mentioned another celebrity, Rhianna. I guess that means that we can expect a "viral video" from her next. (Load that thing faster, will you? Now Rhianna's involved.)

Apparently, Paris actually memorized her lines for that spot. I guess I assumed that it was done in about 47 separate takes and she had her notes taped inside of the flying tan publication that she was reading. She speaks well. She needs a bit more fluctuation in her voice at more opportune moments, but she did fine. And she made a hell of a point. And that's why I ask you to shoot me. In the head. Now.

If politicians cannot start looking at the big picture, with or without celebutards, and start realizing that there is no solution that will only incorporate ideas from just one viewpoint, then we're doomed. Doomed. We're doomed to have things stay the same. We're doomed to end up paying over $5 a gallon for gasoline. We're doomed to be kissing the ass of the oil sheiks from sand countries whose people want to kill us. Doomed. Unless.... ::gulp:: unless politicians can start listening to ideas, such as those expressed by :::gulp::: Paris Hilton, and realizing that things are really simple if you just take a minute and think about it. Oh, God. Did I just imply that Paris Hilton thinks? My head! Shoot! Shoot it now! NOW!

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1 comment:

Ewe-niss said...

The world is so friggin' nuts think - Ronald Reagan, Sonny Bono, Arnold Schwarzenegger... just hope she doesn't really run!